Crysta's Jokes

Once there was a man walking through a cemetary in Europe. He came to the grave marked Ludwig van Beethovan and leaned down to look at it. All of a sudden, he heared music coming up from the ground! He couldn't believe it! Being a big fan of Beethovan, he realized that it was the ninth symphony, but it was being played backwards. The man was puzzled, so he got a musical expert to come check it out. When they returned, the seventh symphony was also playing backwards! As the crowd started to form, they listened to the fifth, and then second symphony, all being played backwards. No one could figure out what was going on, until the gravetender came by. He said he knew exactly what was going on. Beethovan was decomposing.

When do you know that a blond is having a bad day?
When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.-Amanda

What's green, and grows, and has wheels?
Grass...I was kidding about the wheels-Jenna

Why did the pig have ink on his face?
Because he came out of the pen!-Luke

Once a man came into a bar and sat down and ordered a beer. He started eating the peanuts that were sitting in front of him. He started hearing these little whispers saying 'That's a nice tie.' 'Your jacket looks good on you.' The man looked around, but saw no one but the bartender. He was worried, so he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender replied, 'Didn't you read the sign? The peanuts are complimentary.'-Tackett

A man was walking down a beach one day and he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked her why she was crying, and she said that she had never been kissed. He kissed her and she stopped crying, so he kept on walking. The next day, he saw the same woman crying. He asked her why she was still crying and she told him that she had never been screwed. He heaved a sigh and picked her up, walked to the end of a pier, threw her off and said 'there. Now you're screwed.' -Emily H.

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. -Mikey

A carrot was driving down the road when he got hit by a truck. He was in a coma and put in the hospital. His wife came to ask the doctor how he'd be. The doctor told her: he'll wake up, but he'll be a vegetable. -Grandma

A doctor walked out of an examination room and started writing on his clipboard. The nurse stopped him and told him that he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer, to which the doctor replied: Then where did I leave my pen?!?

What's black and white and black and white and black and white? A nun falling down the stairs. What's black and white and laughing hysterically? The nun that pushed her.

What does a fish say when it hits a brick wall? Dam.

What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger. -Rachel

A duck walked into a bar and said: Got any grapes? The bartender said: No. Get out of my bar.' The next day, the duck walked in again and the same thing happened. Then it happened again the next day! Finally the bartender said: No, I don't have any grapes and if you come back one more time, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!' The next day, the duck walked in and said: Got any nails? The bartender shook his head. The duck asked: Got any grapes? -Cheri

Once there was a very small town. Pastor Bob was known for riding his bike eveywhere, but one day, someone saw him walking around town. They asked 'Pastor, what happened to your bike?' He said:'I think someone stole it and I don't know what to do!' The person told him to make his next sermon the Ten Commandments and when he got to 'thou shall not steal', just hit hard on it. A couple weeks later, the same guy saw Pastor Bob riding his bike. He asked 'Well, I guess that thou shall not steal thing worked, huh?' 'No,' said Pastor Bob, 'I got to thou shall not commit adultry, and I remembered where I left my bike.' -Daddy

Once there were these three strings walking sown the street and they saw a bar who's window said 'Free Beer: We Do Not Serve Strings'. The first string was like 'well, I'm a very good looking string, so I'll try'. He walked in and said 'Gimme a beer'. The bartender said 'Are you a string?' 'Yes', he said, 'but I'm a very good looking string!' 'Get out of here!', said the bartender. The second string thought, 'I'm a very popular string, so I'll try.' He walked in and asked for a beer. 'Are you a string?', the bartender asked. 'Yeah, but I'm a very popular string' 'Get out of here, we don't serve strings!' The third string thought to himself 'I'm ugly and unpopular, but boy am I thirsty.' He got a great idea, though. He looped himself really big and went through the loop and frizzled up his hair. He walked into the bar and said, 'Gimme a beer.' 'Are you a string?' 'No, I'm afraid not' (get it: a frayed knot?)-Cheri

Once there was this couple: a boy and girl, about seventeen. They hadn't had sex yet, but they talked about it all the time. The boy was very eager. One day the girl said that she wanted him to come over to her house for dinner with her parents and then she said that after dinner, they'd have sex for the first time. The boy was very excited, but nervous, so he went down to the pharmacy. He talked to the pharmacist for hours, telling him all about the girl and how much he wanted this. Finally, after about two hours, the pharmacist asked 'So, do you want the three pack of condoms, the nine pack or the family pack?' The boy decided to be cautious because it was his first time, so he went with the family pack. That night, his girlfriend answered the door and showed him to the table. She asked him to say the blessing. He bent his head. For five minutes, he was silent. Ten minutes, and his head was still bowed. After fifteen minutes, the girlfriend leaned over and said 'I had no idea you were so religious!', to which he replied 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!' -Dave

Why would opera singers make good sailors? They know how to handle the high C's! -Cartoon Network

What do you call a field of cows masturbating? Beef Strogenoff (stroken-off...get it?) :0) -Rachael

Thanks a lot! I'll be constantly coming back to update it. It takes forever to write these things out. :0)

Links:

The Social Circular Gathering of Carnival Goers
Crysta's Page

Email: social_gathering@hotmail.com