| Journey | ||
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I wake up again, It is a new day. Walk past my mother, Don't know what to say. I wanted to fall, I wanted to cry, Cut myself open, Just to feel the high. Seconds passed so slowly, As I lie waiting there. But soon he comes, And I think he might care. My usual, cold 'hi', And so he will turn and smile. I don't know how he did that, Made the pain pass for a while. Despite my smile and cheer, I'm not whom I seem. I'm lost and depressed, How I want to scream. It's all around me, This dark, liquid, crimson cover. I'm shocked, yet happy, As my soul begins to hover. I look down at myself, Such a pitiful sight. I remember all the times, I wish I had more might. They walk in, I want to cry. To see their expressions, I wanted to fry. The tears bore into their faces, As I watched them all try. I closed my eyes when one called, 'No, Sarah, please don't die!' |
I heard not the plea, I was imagining it. No one would care so much, Not the least bit. I hovered before them, They had dealt me so much pain. I looked outside, Because it began to rain. As the man in the white coat entered, The whole group stared at him. He gave them the news, It was not so grim. Yet they cried their hearts out, Right in front of everyone. They didn't care about me, Not about anyone. I knew what I was to them, They were just embarrassed. I was not their favourite one, Not their fairest. Their tears were lies, They felt no pain. They didn't care one bit, My mind to them was arcane. Could it have been what I thought, Just a lame act? I followed them home, And found their pain was fact. I couldn't understand, Why show this care now? Why didn't they show it then, So I would know how? I follow the other home, He is absent and not there. With how the cruel reacted, How would he, who showed care? |
I was almost afraid to watch, As he slit himself inside. I gaped as I floated there, Watched him open wide. I screamed and pleaded, Just to tell him to stop. He couldn't hear me, Couldn't feel my heart drop. He had so much more to do, So much more to give. I knew if he could hear me, He would choose to live. But instead he damns my name, Damns me to Hell. I scream as loud as I can, Feel my pain swell. Crimson splatters his floor, But also stains his fine bed. I want to cry even more, Since seeing his blood-drenched head. His mother heard the thud, Of his corpse hitting the ground. She screams as loud as she can, When seeing his lifeless mound. The funeral hosts two, But the families are one. I see the sorrow in their eyes, And, Gods, damn what I have done. I cannot go back, And be the person I had been. I am dead and gone now, A new life for me to begin. I will not wake up again, Will not see a new day. Will not walk past my mother, Not knowing what to say. |
| Sentiments | ||
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I'm crying and screaming, It never seems to end. My heads begins to throb violently, Making me feel penned. I wanted it to all just stop, Never feel this again. I know that day will come, I'm just not sure when. I know how to do it, A slash here, a stab there. Won't worry about the family, They never even care. They see my cuts, All creeping up my arms. But yet they do nothing, I'm sounding the alarms. So much for the slashings, I now prefer stabbing. A safety pin to this nerve, It's perfect for jabbing. I no longer do it to rid pain, Or even feel high. I just do it now, Sure can't tell you why. I do it in class, Just grossing people out. They don't know I'm depressed, I know that without doubt. I wish I had a stronger knife, Just to hit something far more vital. For then I could just leave, And end this pathetic recital. I would love to bring it to my throat, And pull out my vocal cords. Just seeing the blood, Is something to look towards. Tears stain my cheek, As scars mar my skin. I know that I'm pathetic, I could never win. |
My knife is my only friend, With me to my pathetic end. It gave me pain and pleasure, And on it, I came to depend. I said I'd never do that, Depend on something else. At least it wasn't drugs or beer, That's what I tell myself. There was no loss of brain cells, With what I chose to do. It could have been far worse, Could have done it to you. Tears are plain on my face, As I now look back on my life. I saw nothing but pain, Nothing but arguing and strife. No one ever saw my pain, Or didn't give a crap. I was told to ignore and pretend, Then thought that I would snap. No one could ever care, Or try to understand. There was never anyone there, To lend a helping hand. My eyes express nothing, But the emptiness inside. There's no way to prevent this, No way for me to hide. I'm falling further down, Can no longer see the light. I tried fighting back, With every ounce of might. But then I gave up, To destroy the pain I felt. So now I no longer feel pain, But witness that which I dealt. I don't care how you feel, If you even feel at all. You didn't care about me, Not when I began to fall. You ignore my pain, As if it wasn't there. Why didn't you try to help me, And why didn't you care? |
I'll tell you why not, Why you chose to ignore me. I was embarrassing to you, Like ecxema on your knee. My arm slashes were not a cry for help, They said nothing like that to you. You worried that you would look bad, Thought that you would look like the screw. No one means anything to you, You care about no one. I pray that one day to you will, Will try to love someone. I tried to love, but failed, I could never feel the emotion. It was something foreign I didn't understand, Was such a ridiculous notion. The mirror never lies, so they say, If you feel no love, no one will love you. This is one thing I have learned, Have now fully discovered what is true. The Threefold law has shown me truth, What you give out will always comes back. I don't understand why to me, I did nothing cruel along my track. My mind trusts no one, Not even myself. I will never trust anyone, Not anyone else. I walk up to my room, Leaving with my despair. I'll start the crimson process again, Once I am in my chair. The blood trickles and rises, Push a little harder, it leaps out. I smile and laugh now, Knowing I will die without a doubt. I fall from my seat, Then onto my floor. Everything is numb, So is my cold core. |
| Win And Play | ||
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I had finally won, By going through with it. I thought myself a winner, Now that I had done it. But that vision soon left as well, As I realized the truth. It was nothing special, End of a screwed up youth. |
I wouldn't become anything, Nothing more than a stat. Now nothing more than a number, How do you deal with that? It wouldn't be anything special, Wouldn't make it to the news. They would show something else, An idiot killed by booze. |
It's ironic how many of us there are, Kids who do commit suicide. We all put in an effort, We all made an effort and tried. But we did not give up, Didn't run away. Now no one worries, You can all now play. |
| Return Home | ||
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Forget about us, Now that we are gone. For now we return to him, Our father Amon. |
We return to Osiris and Isis, To Kerridwen and Kairnunnos. To all the Lords and Ladies, I hold their great memories close. I use the projective, As I send in bane. I use the receptive, As I receive pain. |
Death is not so bad, Returning into the Earth. Death is just a part of a life, From birth to death to rebirth. |
| How And Why | ||
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Do you want to know how I feel? Do you want to know how I hate? Do you want to know what I feel? Do you want to know what I hate? How I feel's a horrible thing. I am locked up, living in strife, Never having a chance to sing. How many times I raise my knife, Doesn't really matter at all. Hitting myself won't help me now, For you will keep me here in thrall. It is me that you disavow. |
How I hate is an intense thing. I always hate with a great heat, It will always do more than sting. I may be sour, but also sweet. I hate with more passion and lust Than all those who came before me. Just want to spontaneously combust So my anger is what you see. What I feel's a terrible thing. I feel anger, but with a twist Of despair that will ring and ring. Since love is just what I have missed. I feel depressed and unaware, But also demented and mad. All this because you are not there. All in all, what I feel is bad. |
What I hate is all around me. I hate you, and them; everyone. I hate when I'm left in debris. My hate list has only begun. I hate the harsh and the heartless, Along with the annoying bums. I hate those who leach their success And those who leave me only crumbs. You are deserving of my hate So do not think that you are not. Do what I did; embrace your fate. Or would you rather smoke your pot? |
| Forgive Those Who Cried | ||
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When I said I hate you, I felt that I could have cried. And when you said you loved me, I broke down and cried. I couldn't believe all the times that I had died. I was so close to leveling, maybe I would have if I hadn't cried. I could feel the tears in my eyes when you sighed. I couldn't help letting them overflow, and so, I cried. I felt my guilt sink in, as you travelled outside. How I wish you could have seen me when I cried. |
I'm such a psycho, not worthy to be your bride. I can't believe all the times that I had whined and cried. You had always been there as my guide. And when I got into trouble, I blamed you and cried. You cannot imagine the torment on the inside. I felt as though my eyes had hemorrhaged every time I cried. You're the only person in which I can confide. Forgive your Sarah for every moment she cried. | |
| Love Me | ||
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Will you tell me that you love me, Even though you do not mean it? Will you pretend that you love me, Or would I never have seen it? Will you always call me baby, Even if I do not like it? Am I an infant or a child? Something that needs your stupid shit. Will you always call me a bitch, Even if I do not like it? Am I a dumb dog or a nag? Something that needs your stupid shit. Will you tell me that you love me, Even though I know you do not? Will you pretend that you love me, Or am I what you have forgot? |
Will you always call me baby, Even if I say I am not? Am I an infant or a child? Something you could have always bought. Will you always call me a bitch, Even if I say I am not? Am I your dumb and worthless mut? Something you could have always bought. Will you tell me that you love me, Even though I'm a stupid slut? Will you pretend that you love me, Or will you be sick to your gut? Will you always call me baby, Even if I'm not worth protecting? Am I an infant or a child? Something worthy of correcting. Will you always call me a bitch, Even if I'm not rejecting? Am I a dumb dog or a nag? Something worthy of correcting. |
You'll never say that you love me, And truly mean all the words said. You'll never pretend to love me, Which is the way my pain is fed. You will never call me baby, No matter if it makes sense. More like a ridiculous pet, Since I'm just a worthless expense. You will never call me a bitch, Since I'm not as strong as they think. An ugly dog inside and out, Beautiful after a hard drink. No one could have ever loved me, Not you, not them, and not myself. Only room in my heart for you, I will not love anyone else. |
| Feel | ||
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Finally, the pain fades, But so does everything else. The deranged smile falls, As I lose power of myself. |
It feels so good, Bleeding everywhere. The crimson is a lovely cover, I do not want to share. I smear it on the pages. It's turning from red to brown. I'll say it's paint, but it's not. I won't feel bad when you frown. |
No one ever understood me, And no one really cared. That doesn't matter anymore, Because I am not scared. |
| 14th Of May | ||
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I love this one before me, As I hear him say, You're everything to me; More than night n' day. He pauses, but continues On his nervous way. Really, I truly love you, Each n' ev'ryday. It's not just attraction n' My lusty feelings Since they can be quenched if I Stare at the ceilings. |
You are not a picture of Some slutty whore-girl. You are totally real, at The posters, I hurl. His palms are sweaty, but I Wait for what he'll say. He closes his eyes and says I love you, today. Those words I had seen before, But had not heard once Come from his mouth, o'er his lips. Truly was a bunce. |
His deep blue eyes speak to me, Begging me; respond. I search him for emotion, Declaring my bond. I love you, too, my Eddie. In satisfaction He holds me closer to him; Loving reaction. I realize I am whole and Holding him, I lay On this bed, in his arms, on This 14th of May. |
| 'Tis True | ||
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What I feel for you Is not love, 'tis true. But what I did was Only just because. Bare skin and kisses Don't make me misses. Nudity, contact. I'm not on contract. |
I wanna see you. Don't hide how you grew. I want you to strip. Hear fabric go 'rip'. Come on me and thrust. Don't betray my trust. I will scream, moan, bust, Take in all your lust. |
Naughty one I am, Just the kind they damn. I'll cry now, you see. That's what's wrong with me. You save my lone heart. Connected your part. You don't just love me. You set our hearts free. |
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Exploring, groping. All I was hoping. Touch me, I'll touch you. Follow what I do. Your lips on my brow. I want sex right now. I wanna fuck you. Hump n' rape on cue. |
I will moan, purr, growl, Groan, scream, and howl. Anything you want To pursue this jaunt. I wanna see red; Your swelling, hot head. Abuse me, use me, Don't you dare lose me. |
I'm not on contract, But your love in fact. Bare skin and kisses. I'll be your misses. And what I did was Not just because. What I feel 'round you Is your love, 'tis true. |
| Around You | ||
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I wink with a smirk and you laugh. You think it's so funny. I say that you are just like the Energizer bunny. You just keep going and going, Coming to me with trust. You're hard, like a rock; You cannot hide your lust. When we sit down with each other, Power is justly mine. When we lay down together, it Is you who is divine. |
When we lay down together, I Am yours; am ruled over. You have done the impossible, Tamed a lonely rover. Sometimes I forget that I am Not the ruler of this. Even so, you would never say That my thoughts are amiss. |
You let me think as I wish, which I'm not familiar with. With the others, things are different; My feelings not the pith. Others say I'm embarrassing, Something to be ignored. You encourage my behaviour, And say that I'm adored. I wonder why you're so different And do the things you do. Now that I've heard you say the words, I will always love you. |