I will do all that I say I will…

"My body fell to the floor. That's the last thing I really remember about last night. I allowed myself to become one with the moment and I allowed myself to get carried away with everything that was going on. It's hard for me to believe that I've arrived in the CWO, and more so that I would claim victory over a veteran like Azazel. To leap from the ladder, just the feeling of it as I hit the floor, the pain still flows through my body. I can't really blame myself either, as I did the one thing I never thought I could do and that was make it to the big time. Perhaps it was stupid of me to get involved, but then again, maybe I needed to have my ass kicked the other night? Perhaps now I'll look at these situations differently from now on. I never thought such a thing would take place, but after all the chaos during the night, I expected anything and everything to happen. I was prepared, but I wasn't thinking."

"What I have to do next is something I have to do, simply because I've learned that in order to make it in this business, you have take chances and no matter what happens, waiting to be rewarded for hard work is not an option. I did what I had to do, and no matter what anyone says I earned my shot at the Television  title against Vincent Insane and Steve Decot, and I have earned even more than that. It's just a matter of time before I collect on what I've earned…"

Excerpt from X's Journal  08/20/02

I find myself trapped within my own mind…

[Trapped in the momentary silence that we all have at one time or another been subdued to in respect to one that passed on. That is the very silence that X  is entranced in when he is in a room alone. His thoughts engulf him and he takes those precious moments where he can allow his mind to become free, as he can carefully analyze all that has happened to him, figuring out what he should do next. With this silence comes the darkness that his mind has been trapped within on various occasions. Darkness that never seemed to fade until recently, but for some reason, for some very odd reason that darkness has begun to return, clouding his mind once again. One would like to think they he had rid himself of any reason for his mind to become confused ever again. One would like to think that in a way that he has literally gone crazy. As usual, people have come to their own conclusions, thinking they know the answer before the questions is even asked. They think that they're better than he is….]

[Vincent Insane thinks that.]

[It's truly a shame that someone like Insane has to learn the hard way, that you can't judge a book by its' cover and even so someone like X isn't someone that should be judged in the first place. Because he decided to take what he wanted, when earning it did nothing for him? For a man like X to come into the federation the way he did, and now fight towards the Television Title, is that truly, honestly fair? Yes. X went out and took what he had risked his own career for. And now he's going to get his chance to gain the CWO Television Title. Now he's going to get the chance to become the FIRST CWO Television champion.]

[That is of course, if Vincent Insane or Steve Decot doesn't one up X. It's well known that Vincent Insane thinks he's the better man. He's the one who dubbed X as being inferior.. So for what it's worth, Insane just might be on his game when the time comes for that TV title shot to be put on the line against X. X, as always, will be more than ready. He'll be ready because this is what he wants. He doesn't care about anyone or anything else right now. What he cares about is making a name for himself  as soon as possible. For anyone that saw Chaos, knows that this man means business. He slayed the giant, proving to him that he didn't deserve to be the person to be champion. No one cared when X said he'd be the one to do it. And now he gets that chance. But not only that, he'll get his chance to do it alone…]

[He'll do it alone because he can.]

[Now Joey is finding himself to be crossing paths with Steve Decot, the "Cruel Angel", although it's not voluntary, but no matter how you want to look at it, X will take action against Steve for what he had to say.]

[A fool speaks just so he has something to say.]

[Steve Decot  is a fool yet he's one talented fool. No body said you had to be smart to become champion in any given federation, and from what we know of Steve Decot's past, he is a capable champion. Well,  as far as X is concerned, Steve Decot will be relegated back to be second best.]

[The fact is; how can Vincent Insane, Steve Decot, JT Chisom, John Miller, or even Dez for that matter, defeat a man who will sacrifice his own life inside of that ring?]

[…That is X and he will take flight once again…]

My heart bleeds in pain…

"I remember a time in my life when I thought that all was lost. A time when I would have ended it all just so the pains would cease to exist. It was a time when nothing else mattered except for the woman I loved. I blamed myself for the longest time, for not being there to protect her when she was kidnapped. I should have known better. I shouldn't have left her alone, because of the visions, the dreams. They were blurry at first but after a while it all seemed to fade away. And then when we went to the club when she came to me all frightened. I should have realized something was truly wrong, but I didn't. She told me she was scared and I stayed with her, but then… Then I had to appear at Madison Square Garden. She said she would be safe with her friends, but she was wrong."

"She wasn't safe, she was never safe, not even with me. I blamed myself, but it was never my fault. After she was kidnapped I had thought I lost all hope. I didn't think there was any reason to live. I blamed myself for it all. Letting her go out with her friends, knowing that something might happen, fearing it. It was the last time I ever saw her alive. Her face is engraved in the back of my mind. Her beautiful smile as she said her final "goodbye" and "I love you" to me. And because of that, because of the pain that was brought forth upon me I nearly ended my own life. I almost gave up everything I had worked so hard, forgetting everything she had told me while we were together. All that she taught me about life, I wanted to throw out the window. I no longer cared. All I wanted was to see her again. But not how things turned out. Not like that."

"When I envisioned myself jumping from that ledge of the building I had never in my wildest dreams thought that she would have been raped and murdered. The two stories I heard, both were sickening to me. I couldn't stand either, and although justice was dealt, it still hurts thinking about it. Every time I visit her at her grave my heart aches. Her death was an eye opener for me. If it weren't for her I'd have never made it in this business. If she didn't support me, I'd never have made it where I am today. Her guidance kept me on the right path. When I was down she was there for me. When I needed her most, she would put everything down to be there. My heart still calls out to her and the memories will never fade. She means so much to me even still as she has passed on to the better life."

"I know that where she is now, she's better off instead of stuck in such a wretched place. Oh how I loved Angel. The pains I felt when she was taken away from me and the nights I'd lay in bed blaming God for all he had done. But now, now I can't help but thank him for protecting her and blessing me with another. Yes, Jessica Elizabeth Star Summers. My soul mate, the new love of my life. I never wanted to admit it for the longest time, but she has turned out to be even more than Angel ever was to me. There's so much there, yet I don't know why things turned out the way they did. It was by mere chance that things ended up this way. Angel is now my guiding light as Jessica supports me no matter what choices I make."

"I've learned something from both of them over the past few years. I've learned that if I were to have ended my life when I thought about doing so then I'd have wasted so much. I would have allowed them to win before I ever got the chance to seeing them face to face. But I didn't do it. I chose to live with the pain and to fight it. I chose to force myself through to the next day, crying my heart out every night, missing her. Then when I found out about her death, it struck me even harder, but I still kept going. It strengthened me mentally, emotionally and physically. I returned to the ring. I went in and I proved myself, I made my point clear. I did all that I said I would. And that leaves me to where I am today, back to how I was in the beginning. I have a beautiful woman by my side and my cousin is off my back and out of site, where he belongs. It's my time now, and no matter what path I choose, Angel and Jessica will both be there in one form or another to push me to do my best. I couldn't ask for anything more…"

How can you say that you're better than I am when we've never fought before?

[We do things by trial and error. That's how our lives work. You do something wrong, you correct what you did and learn from that mistake. There's no need to go any further into explaining this, because it's all common sense. X lives his life in such a way, learning from his mistakes, growing and moving on, thriving on the competition.]

[That's what makes CWO so great. That's why X chose the CWO over all the other federations out there. The competition is top of the line. You don't find guys like Vincent Insane, Travis Smith, hell, even Steve Decot anywhere else. ]

[CWO Chaos and UnCut or one of the many other shows? I'll go with the CWO thank you very much. Am I being bias here? Perhaps, but the fact of the matter is that the reason X  is taking part in the Television Title tournament isn't because he wants a free ride into the CWO elite and a shiny gold belt IF he wins. No, X is out to make it to the final match, X is out to prove to the world that he can hold his own. But of course first he has to put up with the pointless crap of Vincent Insane and Steve Decot. Well I guess the name Vincent Insane isn't all that bad when compared to the name Aaron Awesome. Hmm… Bah! I'll save the wise cracks for another time…]

[It doesn't matter who X faces. Simply put, who gives a damn? X sure as hell doesn't. He'll be prepared to go up against the biggest or even the smallest of competitors, well, the competition that's just slightly bigger than him. He'll adjust to the situation and he'll capitalize on the mistakes of his opponent. No matter who he goes up against. Whether it is against Insane, Decot, Chisom, Dez, Miller, Smith, etc. etc., It won't matter. It won't matter because he's out to prove himself and he's out to fight with all of his heart. His body is always being put on the line. Whatever it takes, he'll do it.  This is a man who once hit a SPRINGBOARD shooting star press driving his opponent through a glass table.  This is a man who wrapped his own body in barbwire and hit a 900 splash from the top of a ladder onto his opponent who had been set atop a table. When the devil himself drives a man to such limits, one has to look out for such a man. There's no doubt about it, whether someone like Vincent Insane wants to admit it or not, X is going straight to the top and he'll take out whoever tries to stop him…]

In my hands I hold a single blood stained rose…

August 21, 20002
11:01 AM
New York City, New York

[He had been standing in the same spot for the past ten minutes, not saying a word, but just remaining silent. In his hand he held a single red rose. Looking down upon the grave of Angel Donahue, he found himself in tears. She was very important to him, and he could never understand how someone could be so cruel to such a young and beautiful girl. Her life had been taken away a little over a year ago, when all hope had been lost. He tried to do all that he could, but in the end all the time and effort he put into trying to help find her proved to be pointless. No matter what he tried to do, nothing seemed to help. He offered to help her father pay the ransom, but he wouldn't take the money. Dressed in a grayish business suit,  he knelt down setting the single rose gently near her tombstone. He stood up and wiped away the salty tears, trying to regain his composure, just a little bit.]

[As he continued to stand where he was, remaining silent the entire time he was then caught by surprise as a hand reached over and tapped him on his shoulder. Turning around he saw the person who had gotten his attention, removing him from his trance. As he turned around he saw the figure, dressed in blue jeans and a white tang top with his red mask. It was X, standing, looking at the man who was at Angel's grave. X looked at him for a moment, looking down to see a single rose next to the grave. Looking back at this much older man, he spoke.]

X- Brian, what are you doing here?

[Brian Jones. The godfather of Angel, and the man who trained X. He took his time before he replied.]

Brian- I came to visit her. It's the first time I've been here since her funeral. Did you know that?

X- No, I didn't…

[X still wasn't happy with Brian.]

X- What made you decide to come here? It's been almost a year since her funeral.

Brian- To be honest with you Joh... X, I'm not entirely sure. It's just something I felt I had to do. Are you still upset with me?

[X didn't answer, as much as he hated to admit it, he still held a grudge against Brian. Just because he was involved with the many times Jimmy and Johnny tried to put him out for good. Who could ever forgive someone for allowing others to try and harm another? As much as X wanted to, he couldn't. He couldn't forgive Brian, because he didn't listen to his own nieces. Angel and Melissa both told Brian about the mistakes he was making, but he went on and made them anyway. And now he has started to correct his wrongs.]

Brian- I understand, but I just want to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for going along with everything your cousins had planned. It was business and I'm his manager. Just as he was yours. Unlike you, I didn't have the guts to tell Jimmy enough was enough. As much as he denied it, he was jealous. He was jealous of seeing you succeed. I came here because I wanted to apologize to her. I wanted to apologize for everything I put her and you and Melissa through. All of you…

X- I don't know about Angel or Melissa or anyone else but right now I can't accept that apology. My hands have blood on them because of you. I allowed myself to become scarred from the damage caused by my cousin, my brother and even you. You played a major role in everything over the past few years. You tried to get Jimmy and I to put our past aside. We did that, we worked together and he tried to control me, just as he controlled you and everyone else he aligned himself with. Why should I forgive you? You couldn't even tell him when enough was enough.

[Brian didn't reply, he knew what he did in the past couldn't be forgotten, but it could be forgiven, but it would take time. A lot of time.]

X- I still cry every night because she's gone. The blood on my hands, it's from me wanting to put an end to everything. It's from me wanting to take my own life just so I can be with her. I love her still, just as I love Jessica now. We…

[At this point, X starts to break down. He tries to hold back his tears, but like rivers they begin flowing. Brian remains calm, knowing that he put X through just as much as Jimmy had over the past few years.]

X- We were going to get married… Start a life… Be happy together… Then they took all that away from me… Because you and her father went into business with the wrong people!

[Brian was shocked. Everyone knew that Angel's father had made a bad business move, but this was the first time anyone ever knew that he too was part of that very same deal.]

Brian- How… How did you know about that?

X- Does it matter? I know these things because no matter where I go and no matter what I do I always end up finding out about something I never wanted to know. If you want to right your wrongs, you can start bye taking away the pains. You can start bye removing the thorns digging deep within my heart. You can start by fixing things with your family, more importantly Melissa. She knows too, I made sure of it because she had all rights of knowing. But not that it matters any more. All of that is in the past. All of that doesn't matter, but why does it all hurt so much?

Brian- X, it's going to hurt, and I'm truly sorry for everything I have ever done to you or to my own family. Believe me when I say I'm sorry… I'm a businessman and I have always tended to my business. Your cousin has been my business, but now he's retired…

[X just smirked at that comment.]

X- And I hope he remains that way… Look, I came here to speak with Angel, would you mind leaving us along?

Brian- Yeah… Sure thing…

[Brian began walking away. As he did Joey watched until Brian was no longer in view. Then he turned back around and knelt down, his hand resting upon the rose that Briant had set down next to the tombstone.]

X- A rose for someone as beautiful as you are. A rose that is filled with the pains that my own heart is filled with. A rose in which my blood stains its' peddles… How I miss you so Angel, my love. In these times I need your guidance more than ever. I need you to watch over me, to protect me. To protect Jessica…

[He paused for a moment, wiping away some of his tears.]

X- I love you dearly… Forgive your uncle, as I still cannot…

[He then became silent. He stood up and slowly began walking away. The rose remained where it was and as Joey turned back around he glanced down. For a brief second he thought that there was actual blood dripping from the rose as it lay in place…]

A single rose for all of the pain I've suffered from…

"…A rose…"

"…With its' peddles soaked with my blood…"

"…Blood from the wound in my heart…"

"…When all I had was lost…"

"…A rose…"

"…With its' thorns causing endless pain…"

"…Pains from a time long ago…"

"…When I was given a single rose…"

In eternal madness we live… Even if it was just a dream… now pain, nothing but PAIN!
Rose of Pain by X-Japan