FROM THE
DESK OF THE STALKER
FROM: stalker@rightbehindyou.com
SUBJECT: You’ve been Stalked!!
To my former
dearest Kurt,
Yes, it’s
true, it’s true. I said former. I’m moving on with my life. I came to realize I
don’t need an Olympic hero. I need a man who can’t run as fast. It’s true, it’s
true.
Wait, you
weren’t a runner. You were on the bobsled team, right? Whatever. In any case, I
had my fun, but you’re three I’s were too much for
me. Intensity? Integrity? Intelligence? After following you around for weeks
without seeing any signs of those things, I am ready to admit defeat. It’s
true, it’s true.
Kurt, I’m
ready to come forward and tell you I need a man with three D’s. And I’m not
talking about the Dudley Boys. It’s true, it’s true. I mean Dough, as in money,
Dodge as in car, and Dick, as in…well, I think that one is self-explanatory.
It’s true, it’s true. I mean, how can you be an American Olympic Hero and you
drive a Japanese car? What’s up with that? Ok, so maybe it’s not a Japanese
car, what the hell do I know about cars? I know it’s not a Dodge, and it has to
be a Dodge, otherwise I’d have 2 D’s and a C. (C for Chevy.)
But I
digress. It’s true, it’s true. I have a habit of doing that. Anyway, back to
why I’m taking the time out of my busy schedule to end things with you. Wait a
minute. Why am I ending stalking you? Oh yeah. I had to go back and reread what
I wrote in an earlier paragraph. So, that’s it. I’m moving on, and I hope you
won’t feel let down. As an esteemed competitor in the 19-whatever Olympics in
gymnastics, I’m sure you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
And who
knows? Maybe someday you’ll get a pay raise, a Durango, and a penis pump and
I’ll once again find it in my heart to stalk you as only I can. It’s true, it’s
true. Until then, be careful where you put those medals. You know where Chris
Benoit was keeping them!! J
All my best,
Stalker It’s
true, it’s true!