Stalker Form Letter

Yes, ‘tis I, your favorite Stalker…Once again providing info for the young stalker just beginning in this business…

Today’s Lesson: The Form Letter - for those times when a personal note isn’t worth the effort.



Dear _________ (enter name)

Hello. I regretfully inform you that as of __/__/__ (enter date) I will no longer be able to stalk you. The reasons are as follows: (check as many that apply in any given situation)

__ Nose hair too long

__ Ear hair too long

__ Too much hair on your back

__ Too much hair on your ass

__ Disgusting PDN (Public Displays of Nastiness, i.e. nose picking, crotch adjustment, wedgie farming)

__ Not ENOUGH hair

__ Hair too long

__ Hair too short

__ Weird feet

__ ________ (Enter body part) TOO BIG

__ ________ (Enter body part) too small

__ Constant and repetitive use of a single word/catchphrase

__ Constant and repetitive use of a single word/catchphrase

__ Clothing of choice is strange (this could be street and/or wrestling gear) Specify which one was more offensive here _____

__ Strange friends

__ No friends

__ Too many friends

__ Drink too much

__ Don’t drink enough

__ Never without the wife/husband/significant other present

__ Eat too much

__ Doesn’t eat enough

__ Eat weird food

__ Takes too many showers

__ Doesn’t take showers AT ALL

__ Uses wrong brand of soap/shampoo/shaving cream. (Indicate preferred brand here)_________________

__ Other: (use the space between the lines below and offer a brief summary)







If the above mentioned items are changed/fixed/shrink/grow, then stalking could commence again at my discretion. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

_________ (Stamp or Scribble signature here)