Who’d ever guess that I of all people would ever be thought of as a role model ? I certainly never would have and yet I find myself driving through midtown Buffalo on my way to the local Boys and Girls Club to give some kind of hideous talk or Q and A thing to a bunch of "underprivileged" little brats. I find solace in a couple of small things that keep this waste of time appearance from being little more than a Matchbox car wreck on speed. Those small bits of solace amidst this corduroy nightmare are that A) I get paid for this, and handsomely too I might add, B) my daughters will never have to even set foot in one of these dirty, smelly and vile collection centers for the illegitimate sewer rat offspring of the poor and C) I get paid for this. Yes, I know I said the "I get paid" part twice, but it’s about the only reason that I’m even expending an ounce of my precious time or energy on this nonsense. Otherwise I’d have stayed home and spend quality time with my family. The prospect of this entire ordeal is distressingly repulsive to me. In fact I’d probably rather sit at home and watch the grass grow, at least at the end of that I know something meaningful will have come out of it.
Fifteen Minutes Later:
This must be the dump. It looks like somewhere that bums would pawn their children off on others while they’re out walking the streets begging for quarters and dimes so that they can go out and get loaded off of a forty. It’s truly inspiring…in some sort of depressing, dirty and roach infested sort of way. Ah well…time to belly up to the bar and get this crap over with.
Teacher: Children, I’d like you to welcome a man who’s become well known in his profession. He’s been a top name in his chosen profession for years and his resume includes being a multiple winner of his business’s top accolade. Please welcome...Dirge !!
Cue clapping. Annnnd here I come. Yes you little idiots clap enthusiastically and presume I care while your idiot warden stands there and flaps her arms like Kermit the Frog at the beginning of a skit on "The Muppet Show". Let’s see...quick head count here. Three slack jawed, glassy eyed drug babies…ten hood rats…eight hick spawn and four noodle pushers. It’s a veritable "who’s who" of the dregs of society…and me without my camera. Talk about your lost opportunities. I’d ask for a Polaroid but I doubt that these people could even afford to buy a single rubber band, let alone an instant camera. A couple of those kids have that vacant look that Chucky boy had in his last attempt at a promo.
Dirge: Hey kids...what’re you little rats up to today ?
Stunned silence… why can’t I hear that sound more at work ? If I knew that kind of language was all it would take I’d have said something like that long ago. Ah well...press on...this has to end eventually.
Dirge: According to your handler I was brought here to talk to you guys about having goals and "being a good person". Well, there’s been a slight change of plans in today’s programming. While I am going to speak about goals this "be a good person" crap is incredibly overrated. Let’s take all your parents for example…most of your parents probably had goals when they were young, probably a little older than you guys. Somewhere in the course of their lives something happened that kept them from living whatever that goal was and suddenly their goals changed.
Little Kid: Why did their goals change mister ?
I don’t recall us getting to the Q+A session yet, kids have no manners these days.
Dirge: Hold the question shorty...we’ll get to that soon. For now kid just keep that yapper closed and pretend there’s a toy waiting for you at the end of this if you keep quiet.
Little Kid: Is there ?
This kid can’t be that stupid. Then again, if he’s here he probably is that stupid. Ah well…time to lie through my teeth and get away with it. It’s not like any of them are my daughters.
Dirge: Sure kid, why not ?
That should keep the mouthy little punk quiet for a while. As much as he’s had promises broken by his parent or parents this impending disappointment shouldn’t upset him too much and if it does...who cares ? It’s not like his feelings matter anyway.
Dirge: Anyway kids, most of your parents, if you even know who they both are…which I doubt for some reason… became something other than the optimistic little nitwits that they’d been deluded into thinking that they’d be when they were in school. You see kids, school, in addition to being a place where you are expected to learn the basics of life and all that business, is also the place where you are brainwashed into believing that life is always going to work out how you want it to as long as you put a lot of effort into it. Well kids, I’m here to let you know something...
I turned to face the teacher, or whatever she was, as she poked me.
Dirge: Hold on a minute kids, your teacher wants to have a word with me.
What the hell does she want ?
Dirge: What’s the matter lady ?
Teacher: This isn’t what I was told you’d speak about today. You’re upsetting some of them.
Dirge: Listen lady, life sucks ok ? These kids could stand a nice dose of honesty. They should be used to disappointment by now and hell, even I have to face some pot headed bozo this week and that thought doesn’t thrill me so why not just sit back and let me do this my way ok ? I’m a professional.
She nodded her head and gestured for me to continue. How charitable of her. It’s her money; I’m getting a nice sum for this no matter how long it goes for.
Dirge: Where was I kids ? Oh yeah…I was telling you how you’re all told that if you work hard that everything will work out and be happy for you. Well, just in case the situations of your parents and your lives haven’t opened your eyes to this guess what...
I certainly had their attention now.
Dirge: It’s all bull.
The kids let out a collective gasp, those who didn’t sit there looking stupidly at me that is.
Dirge: The fact of the matter kids is that life is good at handing out the short end of the stick to people like you. Chances are your parents went down the wrong road because they deserved it for some reason. What that reason is, I couldn’t care less. The fact of life is that your parents screwed up somewhere and you guys got the short end of the stick because of it. Hard work only works sometimes...and that leads me to the other point of this discussion.
I reached down and yanked a water bottle up, unscrewing the cap and taking a long drink. Most of kids just sat there staring at me stupidly, it seemed to be a pretty common expression for them.
Gold: I’m telling you now that all of this crap you hear about "being a good person" is just that...a load of crap. It hasn’t done a whole hell of a lot to help your parents’ gets out of the pit that they’ve dug the lot of you into after all. Being a so called "good person" only gets to screwed harder by those like me who choose to do thing their way, for their own good. I’ve gotten ahead in life by doing what’s best for me, whether that means putting the screws to "friends" or not. This is not to say that I don’t have them, I do...but I’ve dumped people who have stopped serving a purpose to me and that’s just the way you have to be. Any questions ?
The kids all sat there looking at me for a few minutes, many of them with expressions that looked like a cross between confusion and distress. It was nice to know that I’d gotten their attention. One kid sat looking stupidly at me before finally putting his hand up in a timid fashion.
Kid 2: How long have you been wrestling mister and why do people hate you so much ?
That’s an oddly good question coming from one of these little morons. Maybe his brain wasn’t so drug or alcohol saturated after all. What a surprise.
Dirge: I’ve been wrestling for almost nine years, about as long as some of you have been alive. As far as why people hate me so much that answer is both simple and complicated. Simply put, they hate me because I’m better than all of them and they know it, they just can’t admit it. My opponents are equal to you and your parents; they’re losers with no future. They are simply here for my amusement. Much like the lot of you are.
I heard a sharp gasp from their teacher and most of the children took the cue from her and responded in kind.
Dirge: Basically kids you all have no future right now. You’ll probably grow up and become exactly what your loser parents are now and most of you will die young and alone. Hard work doesn’t always work out…but hell…right now it’s all any of you has, and that ain’t really saying much. After all, a life in McDonalds is better than no life at all right ? None of you will ever be as successful or as great as me...but then again, no one is. It’s not like I wouldn’t be surprised to see the lot of you on COPS some day. Until that day try to do something useful with yourselves. Even if that something involves laying face down in a ditch...it’d probably do humanity a huge favor in the long run.
That was that. It’s time to get my money and go home. I’ve had enough of this depressing crap for one day.
Dirge: Make sure I have my money for this in my account by tomorrow at noon or I’ll sue you back into the Stone Age. Understand ?
The teacher/handler nodded at me in a sort of disgusted understanding. Behind her the children were sitting there crying very loudly. I found that to be music to my ears. It was fine as long as I got my money. I turned on my heels and walked out to the car, getting in and turning it on. I got the strangest urge at that point...I just had to laugh. I laughed long and hard as I pulled my Expedition out of that broken down parking lot and back out into traffic, turning my mind to the pot head that I was going to meet in less than a day.
Dirge: You turned out to be some hero Chuck. You talk about proving yourself and taking it all in stride and yet you seem perfectly happy to hit the ol happy bowl when it suits you. What kind of role model does that make you ? This country has enough of a drug problem without your help. You see yourself as just a guy trying to have a good time, I see you as the reason that kids like those are stuck in there. If you ever went near my children I’d rip out your heart and feed it to you and then sit there and watch you twitch to death with a smile on my face.
I can’t for the life of me understand why ICW would sign a guy like him to a contract. He’s a worthless loser and all he does it make the fed look bad.
Dirge: I find it entertaining that you have the balls to sit there and preach to me as if you know it all. Maybe you haven’t figured this out yet, but a man with my experience and my power has the right to change his mind when he wants to, that’s just the way it is. You seem to specialize at jumping to conclusions. If you wrestle half as well as you draw conclusions based on partial information you might actually turn out to be a challenge of sorts. I doubt it...but hey, Amadeus has the TV Title and Darrell Music can still walk so what’s to say that you couldn’t actually prove to be worth something in the ring. I can’t disrespect you Chuck for the simple reason that I’m not anywhere close to respecting you in the first place.
I hate rookies, they think they freakin know everything about it all without ever having done a damned thing. The snide little prick thinks he’s got it all figured out, even if he says everything to the opposite.
Dirge: You know something Chuck, just because I’m from Vegas doesn’t mean that I necessarily like to gamble. I’ve found that all taking excessive chances does in this life is get you bitten in the rear that much harder. Maybe you like that and consider it a thrill, but personally that crap doesn’t do a thing for me. You do what you do to prepare and I’ll do what I do. So far what I do has always worked for me. I expect that to change about as much as I expect any of those children that I just spoke to to actually have a future…and you saw how likely that looked.
That has about as much chance as the Pope pissing in his beanie and then drinking it like soup.
