"What does he know? He wasn't around for any of it." I think to myself, as I let Johnathon Templeton's words rattle around in my head. "He hasn't seen what I've seen, and he hasn't had to experience the things I have."

But who can blame him. Not everyone gets the pleasure of growing up in this organization. Not everyone gets the chance to have it ingrained into their DNA. I've spent so much time here, I have to admit, the place tends to burn me out once in awhile.

I find myself thinking back to last year, when coming back to SFT, that time as an active wrestler myself instead of the child of one, was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. The problem I might have had though, was that I got to the top way too quick in this company. I went from field filler rookie, in the Lethal Lottery, to World Champion in a matter of days. And sometimes to this day, I wonder why. Maybe I thought it was always going to be that way. Maybe I thought that there would always be that challenge, of getting to the top, and staying there.

Maybe I peaked too soon. And now that I'm not at that peak anymore, it just doesn't seem right. The past couple weeks, I have had a harder time just getting myself to try then I have my entire career. It wasn't because of my opponents lack of caring. There was just something missing. Maybe it was more to do with me then anything else though.

I pull out a SFT Magazine from last year. I used to keep all these things. I felt like it was a big deal back then. There I am, front and center with the SFT Title over my shoulder. That title is all I wanted in this world it seemed. Ever since I was a little girl, when other girls were wanting to be princesses, and actresses, I wanted that gold. I watched in vein as my mother spent most of her adult life going for it. And she never did. I remember one time, my step-father had it, and keep it mom and his room under the bed. I sunk in one day, and pulled it out. It was wrapped in a black velvet bag, with the SFT logo embroidered on the front. I remember slowly sliding the belt out, and how bright the gold shimmered in the light it seemed. I held it for a few seconds, before that feeling kids get when they're doing something they know they shouldn't took over. So I put it back. I spent so much time thinking about that belt, that I feel like, since I've gotten, and lost it, that I really don't have a need to be here anymore.

But what else can I do, I think to myself. What JT doesn't understand, is that, when you've accomplished what you wanted to do your entire life, there really isn't much need for anything else. Personally, I don't care if I win or lose a match. And I don't care who I face either. I guess you could say, I just don't care. And I have to ask, why should I even care? I mean, if I lose this first blood match at Hotter than Hell, whats the difference? So I bleed a little. I've done it before, and I'm sure I'll do it again. If Jude or JT bleeds, what does it accomplish. I'd like to contribute to SFT. I want to have that want and desire again. But right now, I feel like myself, and the rest of SFT, we're all just going through the motions.

I ask you guys, which is better? Someone just going through the motions for the sake of going through the motions? Or someone not doing anything at all? Aren't they really one in the same? I mean, whats a contribution if theres no sincerity behind it? And I have to ask, if someone contributes something with no sincerity, against someone who poured their heart and soul into theirs, and won, what does that tell the other person? The person who put their best out there, just to lose to someone who doesn't even try. It'd probably break their spirit. And broken spirits are something SFT doesn't need around here.

It seems like SFT is never short of those anymore. It has always been like that. Where there are those who want to give up on it. I've been seeing it all my life. I've been here from the very beginning JT. Just like Shadow. I was just young, and nobody seemed to want to give me the time of day at first. And the fact is, it seems to happen to everyone who spends a lot of time here eventually. They get to the point where they want to be involved, and just can't seem to get enthused about it. Trust me JT, I've wanted to put something out there. I've made myself sick trying to convince myself into contributing. I've lost sleep at nights when I really couldn't afford to, and I've told people, on numerous occasions, that I couldn't do something I'd rather be doing, because I was trying to contribute to SFT.

I have every right to be burned out JT. But I'll give you credit, you've done something no one else has been able to do for awhile. You've given me spark again. You've triggered something thats been lacking in me for the past few weeks. You've made me want to do this again. If only to prove to you, that I can. And that the respect that I'm given by the people who have been here, and put the same time I've put in is deserved. JT, I don't know you too well. I admit that. I've never taken the time to look at who you are, and why you came to be. And I don't know why I care what you think. Maybe it's because, if I have anything, if I've made any mark on it at all, I want to be remembered because I deserve to be remembered. And you Johnathan, you represent the members of SFT that are here now, and are to come in the future. The people I grew up with, and loved, we're going our separate ways. And when we're all gone, who's going to tell my story? What are they going to tell of me? I'm giving you a story to tell JT. I'm giving you a reason to keep the legend that I have become alive. I haven't done it myself lately. But something you don't understand yet, is sometimes I guess, we just get crushed under the weight of our own legend. And it takes a little motivation to pick that weight back up again. Thanks for the motivation JT. Its what I've been needing all this time.

I stand up from the chair I've been sitting in, looking out at the Phoenix, Arizona night. And I think to myself, it is kinda fitting, being in Phoenix. I'm sure you know what a Phoenix is, right JT? The mythical bird that would die in flames, and rise again from it's own ashes, and magnificent and beautiful as before. Here I am JT. I'm coming back up from the ashes. How long it last? I can't tell you. Eventually, I will go back down in flames. It's a forgone conclusion. Nothing last forever.

End...