Apparently, you have decided that you can live happily ever after as my possession. Just out of the blue, the conflict is resolved, and you are content. For all intents and purposes this should please me, but really all it does is disappoint me.
Why? Because I've succeeded in breaking you.
Again this should for all intents and purposes please me, but really it just bores me. Now there is no fight in you, no defiance at all. Just a pure willingness and welcome for me to control you.
And that's the problem.
I picked you because I knew you'd fight my control. I didn't need someone to be my willing lapdog, Jeffery. Didn't want someone to willingly lay at me feet in acceptance. I needed and wanted the fire, and you gave it to me, all too damn freely in fact, did you give it to me.
Do you know, as you lay there in your peaceful slumber, that there is a fire burning within me? Not a smoldering flame, but a raging inferno that is quickly turning everything I touch into ashes, including you? Yes, like a moth to the flame that burns within my veins you flew, and all I can do is burn you until there is no you left to burn.
And it's all because of him.
See, this was supposed to be like every other time I broke free of him. I find a body to bruise and break until I can't stand the itching in my soul for his touch, then he swoops in like the black night borne from pure Hell that is in blood to drag me off by my hair, remind me who I belong to. Only this time, something is different. No, not really something, but someone. And that someone is contemplating ending his existence because you aren't going back to him.
Oh yes, I know all about Matt's desire to die without you. I am also aware of the fact that the keeper of the blaze that is my being is not going to let him, for he has fallen smitten with your dear brother.
That man is your best friend, Shane McMahon, heir to the billion dollar empire that owns our bodies, president of New Media, owner of whatever he chooses, and I was always his prize possession.
Until now, it seems.
I casually carve his name into my arm, tearing the skin to the steady rhythm of your light snoring. I should be angry, sad, any damn thing but as content as I am. I should be satisfied with myself for taking away the one thing Matt loves most, should be reveling in the fact that he doesn't want Shane, no matter how Shane feels for him. Hell, I should be celebrating for finally, after so damn painfully long, finally you are mine, and no one can take you from me. I'm doing any of those things, not wholeheartedly, anyway.
Instead I'm sitting here completing the second letter of my possessor's name into the cream of my skin. Skin that used to be bloodied and bruised, so deliciously bruised by him, yet it's all gone, all trace of his ownership of me vanished, almost as quickly as the bruises on your flesh mold on top of one another until it's difficult to even tell what your natural color is.
Your body is broken now, not mine, but mine is bent. Bent toward a flame that burns for me no more.
I know if I were to let you go, send you running back to Matt, he'd come for me. Or, more likely, he'd take my crawling form back to him. But you see, I can't do that. I can't let anyone know that I've lost, because in the end winning is everything to me. Selfish, hell yes I am. I have to have all or nothing, and were I to push you back to where you belong, I'd have nothing.
Because Shane would still love Matt, no matter.
And that is why you look the way you do, Jeff. Don't you see that? I'm not hurting you because you want me to. Yes, of course, I enjoy the hell out of having something to break, to mold into whatever form I see fit, but it's so much more than that.
I learned long ago, from a man that makes me look heaven sent, that each letter of a marked name has the meaning of it all, the purpose if you will.
The "S" is the bending of soul to the evil flame that draws us in and never lets us escape. Rather, never lets you or the others to escape, for I have finally figured out how.
The "H" is the never-ending cycle we've fallen into over the years. Give to one, take from another. I gave to Shane, Shane gives to Matt, you give to me, Matt gives to you. It's always been that way, and it'll always be that way, no matter what you three choose to think and see.
The "A" is what binds us all together in the end, slightly larger than the other letters and more intricately carved, but not so that it's noticeable unless one gets real close. When that happens, it's too late to pull away, for it's what guides us to the flame in the first place to the death of what we thought we were or have become. No matter how peaceful you think you are in your lot, this one always leans closest to the flame, and leads us to its deadly poison.
The "N" is the broken parts that have drifted in the flame, still bound together in a sort of crude way that all things are bound together. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, but sometimes the pieces fall a little to the side and get tainted. Some of us just learn how to accept the taint better than others.
The "E" is what loops us back to the flame once we've broken free- or so we think- from its bond. Viscous and unbending this letter. Never broken, never faltered, bound together in the middle by my greed, my selfishness. My overwhelming desire to have it all. By my boredom with stagnating love.
Love. The word makes me laugh, for this isn't about love anymore for any of us. Sucker love is what this is. Suckers thinking they control themselves, control each other, but really it's the fire that controls every fiber of our beings, just as our scalps control the hair upon our heads. Occasionally the grip is loosened just slightly and the fiber is shed, just as we shed more of our humanity each day in the all consuming desire to control our own hearts.
A smile creeps upon your lips suddenly, and again I laugh. You're just as blind as they are, but one day, one day you will all see that you choose to be blind. Blinded by love, the shape of things to come, but really neither of those things has anything to do with this game we play.
No, we do this because there is nothing else to do, not for us. We are like the carving of his name upon my arm. There's nothing here, but we all claim what is here. We are but one now, and no matter how we pull and lean, we will always be the same to the fire that rages within us, burns us until we become nothing but the flame.
So I lay with you now, while you think you're safe from it all, because there really is nothing left to do. We are all something borrowed, something blue. We all lay awake at night, pondering where we are and who we are. What will happen to "me", what will happen to "you", what will happen to "us" and "them"?
The truth is we are all every me and every you, and nothing will ever change that, because I won't let it.
At least, not until every one of you is all of me.
Every Me, Every You – Placebo
Sucker love is heaven sent
You pucker up, our passion's spent
My hearts a tart, your body's rent
My body's broken, yours is spent
Carve your name into my arm
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed
'Cause there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you
Sucker love, a box I choose
No other box I choose to use
Another love I would abuse
No circumstances could excuse
In the shape of things to come.
Too much poison come undone
'Cause there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you
Every me and every you
Every me, me
Sucker love is known to swing
Prone to cling and waste these things
Pucker up for heaven’s sake
There's never been so much at stake
I serve my head up on a plate
It's only comfort, calling late
'Cause there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you
Every me and every you
Every me, me
Every me and every you,
Every me, me
Like the naked leads the blind
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind
Sucker love I always find
Someone to bruise and leave behind
All alone in space and time
There's nothing here but what’s here's mine
Something borrowed, something blue
Every me and every you
Every me and every you
Every me, me