Ad astra per aspera.
(The scene opens up like any other scene. The sky has a rust color to it as if the sun has just fallen away. Fallen away, what a weird way to say that the sun has set. Fallen….that reminds me of Fnord. He has fallen in a way. But what he has fallen down to is a much higher pedestal. But back to setting, because that seems to be an important thing in every single other wrestlers promos. The rust colored sky with the little red ball we call the sun is setting on the ocean. How can I see this? We are on a beach, under a boardwalk. We are under there because we are hiding. Well, I, the narrator, I am not hiding, but Fnord is. And where Fnord goes, I must, because I am his ever-so-loving narrator. Fnord is hiding from someone that works for GWA. But he does not know who. But before I go into the whole story, let’s get to Fnord. I am sure he has something he has to say. Oh, did I mention that King Hong Kong is with him? The boardwalk was his idea.)
FNORD: I don’t know what is going on! Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. I just don’t get it. One minute I am hanging with the rest of the Lynch Mob and the next minute, I am in a padded room. Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. One minute I am fighting it out in a "BATTLE ROYAL WITH A TWIST" and the next minute, I am scheduled for the MAIN EVENT in which the GWA World Title is on the line. Your mother wears combat boots. But I like combat boots. I don’t get it.
KONG: What I don’t get is why I am here with you? How in the hell am I going to help you run from these people that you don’t even know? If you looked at me once in a while, I am a bum. I have no resources! You should have gone with Big Bertha and The Amazing Gunther. They at least have an ambulance.
FNORD: That’s the point! Don’t you get it? I can blend in more with you. I am the Electric Messiah; an AC/DC god. All I have to do is put on some rags and look dirty. With them in their ambulance, I would have to act dead or something. No matter where you go... there you are. I don’t know! I am up shit’s creek here and I never had a paddle! Not only am I being hunted like some animal, I am in a GWA World Title match, a 4-Man match at that!
KONG: That’s kind of funny.
FNORD: SHUT-UP! The wind is loud and sometimes pungent. I am so going to kick your ass!
(Fnord jumps onto King Hong Kong and gives him DDT onto the sand. Since the ground is sand, it hurt, but not that much. As King Hong Kong grabs his hurt head, Fnord starts to rip off his clothes. Well, his jacket at least. He puts on Kong Hong Kong’s ripped jacket and notices some jeans on the ground that must have been sitting there for a while. Fnord goes over there and dusts of the jeans and slides them on over his tights. Since he hasn’t shaved in a few days, he kind of does look like a bum. He goes back over to King Hong Kong and helps him up.)
FNORD: Um, sorry that I hurt you. Express yourself through supreme bovinity. Did I hurt you?
KONG: Ah, it didn’t hurt. You’re a pussy and you hit like a girl.
(Fnord goes to attack King Hong Kong again, but King Hong Kong puts his hands up to stop him.)
KONG: SORRY! I was just kidding!
FNORD: I was really going to hurt you. But I do have worse things to think about. Real punk rockers don't smile. If you noticed, I am wrestling what I see as the three toughest guys in the GWA. The Franchise, Kamikaze and Apocalypse! Oh dear, I've gone and inflated my ego. Before you say anything, I know that Apocalypse isn’t a guy and The Franchise is an old man, but still!
(They start to walk down the beach. They both look like bums, so people not only ignore them, but they try very hard to steer clear of them.)
FNORD: But there is something that I don’t get. Something that has been bugging me for quit some time now. I never met a repo man who didn't do speed. Why in the world am I in this match? Who in their right mind would possible believe that I am Main Event Status? I am Fnord! Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. I barely make sense and I know that! I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I know something is!
KONG: Then we need to find out just who is kidnapping you. We know that someone from the GWA, someone from GWA’s Front Office is trying to do something to you!
FNORD: BUT WHO? Who in their right mind would send me to that spot? I could see them backing Chris Stevenson or Chris West, two good guys. It is not enough merely to succeed: one's friends must also fail. But why did that someone pick ME? FNORD? What the hell? I am nothing! Sure, I have been in GWA for a while now. The fans are behind me no matter who I am or what I do. RAAAIIID!!!??? But I am not all there when I do those things. People thought I was strange before, but now even I think I am strange. I mean hello! Something is happening that even I can’t control. I wish you humans would leave me alone. I am being drugged and controlled like a puppet and I want to get to the bottom of this!
KONG: And you still have a Main Event for the GWA World Title to think of too.
FNORD: Why must you remind me of that again? I barely remember my last match. I barely remember the match that got me into the Final Four! Rub her feet. And now I am in the MAIN EVENT! HAHA! That makes me laugh! I am going to wrestle against people like The Franchise and Kamikaze, two guys that used to be a part of the DoD! Fait accompli... Two guys that have the respect of almost everyone in GWA. And then we have Apocalypse! Someone that keeps blabbing her mouth about sacrificing us and bringing the "angel" back! People say that I am confusing, but I have no damn clue what she is talking about! There ain't no justice. She really scares me! I mean, what if the blood she keeps talking about her shedding. What if that means that she is on her period or something?
KONG: SHE scares you? What about The Franchise? What about Ricky Borden?
FNORD: You might not want to call him "Ricky Borden", he doesn't like that. What about him? He is the Hulk Hogan of GWA. Mankind has been on a bad trip for a long time now. He is the old guy that everyone knows the boss will make you job to him, but eventually, he loses too. Eventually, the fans stop cheering him on and they find a new favorite. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong. And The Franchise is the old fuck of GWA! Excuse my French. Don’t get me wrong. I respect The Franchise, I respect what he goes out to the ring and does. He works as hard as the rest of us. He at times, holds GWA on his back. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to flallop about wildly. But his time is over. His time has come and gone. It is now time for the new blood of GWA to take over. And I am going to lead this new blood.
KONG: You know, you kind of are making sense. But just who would follow you?
(Fnord smacks King Hong Kong in the back of the head. When that happens, King Hong Kong pukes right on Fnord’s shoes.)
FNORD: It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. Was that absolutely necessary?
(King Hong Kong wipes his mouth with his sleeve.)
KONG: You want this to look real don’t you? Bums puke, it’s what we do!
FNORD: But did you have to do it on my shoes? Pizza is exhibited in the radical endosemic character of the sign as such. They were only slightly used.
(He jumps towards King Hong Kong and the battered jacket falls off. There just happens to be a GWA fan near and he notices Fnord, he rushes over to him.)
FAN: OH MY GOD! You are FNORD! You are in the Main Event on this Friday Night Showdown! Just what are you doing out here? Can you sign an autograph for me? Can I take a picture of you? Huh? Can I? PLEASE?
FNORD: Kid, have you not been watching lately? Censorship? We don't have any censorship on this mud. If we did, I couldn't say ____ or ______ ________! Someone is after me and you aren’t helping, now go away!
(The fan lowers his head and walks away sad as Fnord picks up the battered jacket and puts it back on.)
KONG: You could have been nicer. You should do that to fans!
FNORD: I am being hunted. I don’t have time for fans. Don’t you get it? All you can eat, shrimp. Fans are the last things on my mind right now! I am being hunted and I am in my biggest match of my career! You have been selected for a secret mission. This is my final chance and I have no clue what I am going to do!
KONG: Maybe you can hide some brass knuckles in your trunks and then use them in the match!
FNORD: Don’t you think that they are going to check all the trunks? Bugger off. THEY MOST CERTAINLY WILL!
KONG: How about you "accidentally" knock out the ref and then use a chair to take out all of your opponents?
FNORD: If I take out the ref, it will be all chaos! Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat. Now, would you want to be in a ring with Apocalypse, The Franchise and Kamikaze with no ref?
KONG: I guess you are right. Speaking of Kamikaze, you really haven’t mentioned him. Just what do you think of him?
FNORD: Kamikaze. Kamikaze. Kamikaze. I'm a solipsist, I don't see why other people aren't that way... I know him. He is a Main Eventer to the bone. He was a member of DoD. He is a big name. He is a good wrestler. Small change can often be found under seat cushions. But something that strikes a nerve in me. He talked about being in an asylum. But I don’t think he really knows how it really is in an asylum. I have been in a few of those. They thought I was crazy. But I am not crazy. I am quite normal. Kamikaze is not normal. Jesus loves me, but he can't stand you. Kamikaze is too normal to just be normal. He has a shit-load of fans. He is a fan favorite and I can see a feud between him and his ex-teammate The Franchise starting here. But I am not going to let him win. The future ain't what it used to be. I shoudl be up there. I should have the GWA World Title around my waist!
(But before anything else can be said, you can hear a little boy laughing. Fnord and King Hong Kong turn around and see a wad of cash in the little boys's hands. It was the same little boy that wanted the autograph. Just then, Fnord sees them. Two very large men in all white rush over to Fnord and King Hong Kong. Fnord doesn't even try to run. He curses that little kid under his breathe as the two men rush over. They easily push down King Hong Kong and the grab Fnord. Fnord, who is not fighting at all, just starts talking to the two men as they drag him to the white van.)
FNORD: So fellas, you come here often? Can I just ask you one simple question? Why are you doing this? Momomoto, Famous Japanese, can swallow his nose. Fine, don't talk to me. Just walk like I am not even here! You two stupid apes! I'm not sure of what I should do -- when every thought I'm thinking of is you.
(They are about to shove him in the back of the van when he sees someone in the rearview mirror! He sees one of the members of the GWA Front Office. He can't believe it! He is looking in the rear view mirror on the passenger side of the car and he sees none other than GWA's very own Commish Max Powers!)
FNORD: POWERS! I SEE YOU DAMMIT! I know you are in this van! Guns don't kill people. Bullets do. POWERS, I know you are somewhere behind this and I will get my revenge on you! I WILL!
(They throw Fnord into the back of the van and slam the doors shut. The mystery is solved. Well, mostly solved. GWA's Commish Max Powers was in the passenger seat of the van. He has to have something to do with Fnord being treated the way he is being treated. But who is driving the van? Was it another Front Office member? Or was it just another man in white? There were two voices in the past. There has to be another Front Office member or GWA employee involved. There just has to be. Fnord goes over to the far corner and rolls into a ball. You can hear him mumbling very quietly.)
FNORD: I am going to get that Powers. And I will find out who is in the driver's seat. If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower. Someone is going to help me....I know someone will help me.....
(The scene slowly fades to black as Fnord starts to rock back and forth.)
