(Harlem Dragon Intro)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
You’ve seen us set-up the odd wrestling superstar over the years… We’ve Punk’d Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock and most recently, Triple H… They’ve all fallen victim… to THE FARMHAND!
(Ashton throws his hand up into the air and rearing it back as if about to strike someone)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
You’re scared aren’t you? Scared of THE FARMHAND yeah… Man I’m so awesome! Well you should be scared… because we’re attempting something that hasn’t been done before… it’s not just one wrestling superstar that will be Punk’d… but two.
(Ashton throws his hand back and forth pretending to slap someone while making the sound effects)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
I’m awesome! Anyway… We learned that two high profile superstars of TNA were going out for dinner… those two superstars? Devin Skylar…
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
And Mercedes Benson…
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
Now we want them to have the worst dinner imaginable… we want them to find things in their soup, we want things spilled on them, we want things to go horribly wrong and we want them to have the worst service this restaurant can offer so we got our man, Dax Shepard…
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
… To be the waiter for this high power couple and if they have a problem with that then they had better answer to THE FARMHAND because I’M AWESOME!
(Ashton creeps towards the camera and slaps it with his hand but only manages to hurt his hand which prompts him to put his hand in between his legs while wincing in pain)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
Son of a b*******tch!
(Ashton looks back up at the camera which is still rolling)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
I’m awwwwwwwwwesooooommmee…… Ow… pain…
(The scene cuts straight to the set-up of Devin Skylar and Mercedes. Devin wearing a smart looking suit while Mercedes is dressed in a halter top with a short skirt. They can be seen walking into the restaurant together, hand in hand as the maître d' greets them at the door, asks for their reservations and leads them towards their allocated table)
Maître D'
Here are your zeats madam and monsieur; I hope you enjoy your experience at our fine restaurant. After you have finished your meal and are on your way out, feel free to leave any suggestions with me on how to improve our service, food or perhaps even ze atmosphere of our establishment.
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
We’ll be sure to do that… thank you kindly…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Yes thank you… I’m sure we’ll have a memorable time…
Maître D'
Oh yes… before I forget… Zere iz no need to order your entrées as zey are, how you say… ‘On ze houze.’ Just a little gift from us to our patrons for tonight… but of course if you feel ze need to order more food we will not stop you… Ha ha… a little humour zere for you… *Ahem* I best be going… Your waiter will be here zoon zo I have more customers waiting at ze door so Au revoir mon ami!
The maître d' walks off back to his podium as Devin and Mercedes begin to chat amongst themselves not noticing the hidden camera and microphone amongst the flowers in the vase on their table)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
God I thought he’d never f**kin leave…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
I can’t stand the French… with their ‘ze’ and ‘zat’… I can’t stand being polite either as a matter of fact…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Yeah I know what you mean… Y’know… I still can’t figure out how we ended up being here. When I found those reservation slips in my locker room, I thought someone had left them there by accident but I call and what do you know? It’s under my name… its f**king weird…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Maybe it’s from Larry… a just and deserving reward for all you’ve done for him in TNA… I’m sure he’s very grateful for all the ratings you’ve been bringing in… plus I highly doubt even you would knock back a free meal… cos your cooking isn’t that great remember?
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
I’ll ignore that remark…
(As they continue to talk, the ‘waiter’ makes his way towards their table with a notepad and pen and is ready to take their order)
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Good evening, I’ll be your waiter this evening. Now before I take your order, as I’m sure you’re aware, our entrées will be free of charge. Unfortunately we can’t give you a choice of what you would like but what we can tell you is that we are offering our famous tomato soup which is prepared by a world renowned chef… one of the best in her field. So of course you can choose this dish or you can feel free to order something else off the menu…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
No that’s fine… I’ll have some of this tomato soup that seems so great… let’s see if it’s worth the hype… oh and we’ll order the most expensive alcohol you have in this joint… money is no object.
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Very good sir… Now are sir and madam ready to order their additional entrees or main meals?
(Harlem Dragon Promo)
(As Harlem focuses back on the television, we see that the entrées are about to be served by the ‘waiter’)
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Okay here we go folks… a salad for the lady and our world famous tomato soup for you sir… I hope you enjoy them and we’ll have your main meals out here shortly.
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Just before you go there garcon…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Devin! I didn’t know you did French!
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Sure I’ve done French… Her name was Danielle. Anyway… what makes this soup world famous?
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Well sir it’s that time of the month where the ingredients used in our soups are available at their highest quality… Taste it for yourself and see for yourself and remember… if you don’t like it, just remember you didn’t pay for it.
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Well I’m happy with that explanation…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
And so am I… I finished my salad while you were talking away there.
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Well just sit there and keep your mouth shut while I try this soup out alright?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Well alright… but I can’t guarantee anything on the keeping my mouth shut part…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Y’know… It doesn’t matter where I go…I always here those words…it’s either you or Samantha and I don’t want to think about her with anything open while I’m eating okay?
(Devin takes his soup spoon and dips it into the bowl, brings the spoon back up to his mouth and sips up it’s contents into his mouth. He swills it around his mouth, presumably trying to get the full flavour out of his meal)
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Well? How does it taste?
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Not bad at all really… It has a familiar taste I must say. Quite a bit of seasoning in it too… do you want a taste?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Sure… but I’m not going to be all ‘professional’ and eat it like you just did.
(Mercedes grabs Devin’s spoon and begins to shovel at least 3 spoonfuls into her mouth and swallows it immediately, virtually not even touching her tongue. Devin just looks at her and she wipes some of it off of her chin)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
That was f**king disgusting…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
I never hear you complaining…
(Mercedes winks at Devin as he takes the bowl and spoon back to his side and is about to continue to eat until Mercedes takes one more spoonful and she too washes it around her mouth. We cross back to Harlem as he looks like he’s ready to throw up at what he’s just seen and heard while Devin keeps eating until he spots something in his food)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Oh waiter… there appears to be something in my soup…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
I can’t believe you just said that…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Well it’s not like I could say anything else in a public place? Would you prefer “Hey S**thead! Get your f**king ass over here!”?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Devin you’re the Rated R Megastar… public places never bothered you before…
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Is there a problem here sir? I heard you wanted to see me.
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Yeah there seems to be something floating in my soup… It seems to resemble a hair of some kind and I don’t really feel like fishing it out… so if you wouldn’t mind sir…
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
But of course… If sir would excuse me…
(The ‘waiter’ picks up the bowl and examines it for a few seconds before using his hand to dig out whatever might be in the soup. Devin looks on shocked at this while Mercedes eyes bulge out of her head as she still has her mouth full of the soup. The ‘waiter’ pulls out the object and show sit Devin while dripping soup all over the table and on Devin’s pants)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
You dumbf**k! You’ve ruined my soup by putting your hand into it and now you’re getting it all over my good pants!
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Well I am truly am sorry sir but I’ve found what was in your soup…
(The ‘waiter’ unclenches his hand to show that the hair that Devin thought he saw was actually a piece of string… and that piece of string was attached to…)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Is that… IS THAT A F**KING TAMPON?!
(Devin stands up out of his chair and confronts the ‘waiter’ but as he does that, Mercedes, upon realising what was in the soup instantly spits it back out… all over Devin’s shirt)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
What the f**k is going on, huh?
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Well sir I did tell you it is that time of the month…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
You have got to be kidding me…
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
And that our chef, she is very talented in what she does…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
I can’t f**king believe this!
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Did sir not like our Libra Fleur Soup Du Jour? Well… remember sir… if you didn’t like it and you didn’t pay for it… then you’re a winner either way! Ah… here come your main meals… now if sir and madam would be seated once more, I will guarantee that there is nothing wrong with your main courses. I will apologise for what has happened with your soup sir…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
You better f**ing be right or I’m gonna go f**king postal on this place!
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Devin just sit down… we’ll eat our main meals and then leave this dump okay?
(Harlem Dragon Promo)
(Harlem diverts his attention back to the TV where Devin and Mercedes are just about to finish their main courses when the ‘waiter’ comes back to the table with some more wine)
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
I hope the meals were to sir and madams liking… now our manager feels bad about the whole soup incident so he felt like offering you a free bottle of our wine to make up for it.
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Well hell… I’m all up for freebies…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Ain’t that the truth…
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
If you both don’t mind I will remove the cork from the bottle so you can sample our finest…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Hang on… Sample? It’s not urine is it?
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
I assure you sir it is not urine… it is our finest wine… a rare vintage.
(The ‘waiter’ attempts to take the cork out with his hand and gets it part way out and then proceeds to put his mouth over the neck and take the cork out with his teeth. He looks over at Mercedes as he does this)
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Bring back memories does it?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
I beg your pardon?!
(The ‘waiter’ smiles to himself before pulling out the cork with his hand but he ends up dropping it as it rolls under the table)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
Go under the table and grab it… This is what I want you to do and say…
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Oh I’m terribly sorry… I’ll be one moment…
(The ‘waiter’ crawls underneath the table cloth and looks around under the table for the cork. A cough can be heard from underneath the table which is then followed by a series of coughs… He comes back out with his eyes watering as he comes back out with the cork in his hand)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
You alright there man? Sounded like you were having quite a coughing fit down there…
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Me? Nah… I just smelt something really bad down there and I only coughed once… must be an echo down there… wouldn’t you agree madam?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
I… don’t know… what you’re talking about…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
How about you pour us some wine and leave us be for a bit huh?
(The ‘waiter’ nods his head and pours wine into their glasses for them before placing them in front of Devin and Mercedes)
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Oh and what I will also do for you both is let you experience some of our atmosphere with a musical accompaniment… unfortunately we can’t afford a well renowned piano player so what we can do is put on a CD of a recognised song that I’m sure you’ll enjoy… it’s a song that really… really makes you think… I’ll be back shortly.
(Devin and Mercedes look at each other wondering what’s going to happen next as the ‘waiter’ comes back with a trolley which has a CD player on it and is already playing what sounds to be a piano interlude)
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Enjoy your drinks…
(As he leaves, Devin and Mercedes sip their wine as the music continues to play)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
For some f**king reason and I don’t know what it is but tampons seem to follow me everywhere… it’s getting ridiculous…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Well it is that time of the month…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
That’s not f**king funny and you f**ing know it… At least this song sounds half decent… sounds like American Pie to me…
“American Fed” Radio
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that wrestling used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people chant
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Why does that voice sound familiar?
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Not exactly the American Pie I remember either…
“American Fed” Radio
Now we also saw a re-enactment of Eyes Wide Shut
Where yet again Devin Skylar slept with another slut,
But he didn’t know exactly who.
When finally they had both finished their task,
It was revealed to be Mercedes wearing a mask
If I had a face like hers, I’d wear one too
“Victim #2” Mercedes
What the hell?!
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Hang on… that voice is familiar…
“American Fed” Radio
Now granted she’s one of the best in town
Until the wrong path she went down.
Siding with the Skylar clan,
Oh, was this apart of her plan?
She’s been with Lokamp, Johnson and another
Some would say why should she bother.
Did you know the day she slept with Samantha’s brother
Was the day the wrestling died?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Devin!
“American Fed” Radio
We started singing,
Bye-bye, you Australian tease
You’ve had so many guys
You’ve given out every disease
You’re an ugly dog all covered in fleas
You’re asking, “Do I make you weak at the knees?”
All those guys gonna catch your herpes
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Devin! Turn it off! I don’t like it! Turn it off!
“American Fed” Radio
They’ll be singing,
Bye-bye to the eating of pie
It all ended once and for all,
When the Skylar posse did die
For you, the people will not cry
They say good riddance to the walking STI
(Devin and Mercedes just look at each other, not believing what they’ve just heard. The CD starts again as it is programmed on loop and upon hearing this, Devin picks up the CD player and proceeds to throw it into the ground smashing it into little pieces)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
HEY WAITER! GET YOUR ASS HERE NOW!
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
Yes sir?
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Just thought I’d let you know that this places taste in music… f**king sucks!
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
I must say I am surprised by that sir… seeing as it was sung by one of your fellow employees…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Wait… a wrestler sang that? Do you know which one?
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
I’m afraid not sir… We obtained that CD through a personal friend of one of the staff… most of our patrons enjoy the song… Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get ready to bring out your dessert… and I’ll be sure to have someone clean up this mess… exploding CD players can be dangerous…
(The ‘waiter’ walks away as Devin and Mercedes just look at each other in astonishment. They look over at the broken CD player, look at Devin’s clothes, look at the table cloth and then back at each other)
“Victim #2” Mercedes
I’m sure they’re doing their best… they’re just having a really bad day with us…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
I’m almost positive it’s deliberate… and that guys being a total f**king d**khead to us as well even though he’s trying to be all nice…
(Just as Devin looks like he is about to figure it out, the ‘waiter’ comes back with separate desserts for the pair. He places some gourmet watermelon ice cream down in front of Devin and a cake in front of Mercedes which seems to resemble the very clothing she has on)
(Mercedes looks down at the cake, looks up at the ‘waiter’ who just smiles cheekily at her, looks over at Devin and then down at the cake again where Devin is trying to pinch the red bits of frosting on the cake. Mercedes just opens her mouth in amazement at what’s going on)
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Is this some sort of joke? Do you think this is funny?
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
I see no humour in it madam… I think it’s quite flattering that our pastry chefs decided to sculpt your very figure into a dessert…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
I’ll eat it…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Oh no you don’t… How in the world would you find that flattering? I mean… if you look at the cake and then look at me, you can clearly see what’s wrong, right?
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
Alright just agree with her and then make your way back here… I got an idea…
(The ‘waiter’ looks at the cake and then looks at Mercedes and then nods his head)
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
But of course madam… one moment and I’ll be right back…
(The ‘waiter’ walks off towards the kitchen as Devin and Mercedes talk amongst themselves)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
You gotta admit… it’s a good likeness… very lifelike almost…
“Victim #2” Mercedes
Oh so you’d rather put a bun in the oven of this than the real thing?
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Hell no! And I was only joking… what’s wrong with it anyway?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
I clearly don’t have my breasts out and nor do I have a stain on my top…
(Just then the ‘waiter’ makes his way back to the table holding what appears to be a squeeze bottle)
“Victim #2” Mercedes
So are you going to fix the mistake that your pastry chefs made?
“Waiter” Dax Shepard
But of course madam… one moment if you’ll excuse me…
(The ‘waiter’ turns the cake around and proceeds to look it over while looking over at Mercedes)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
Alright go for it!
(Suddenly the ‘waiter’ pulls down Mercedes top, exposing her and then quickly begins squirting syrup all over Mercedes. Mercedes stands up with her mouth open once again, her arms spread out as she looks down at the mess)
“Victim #2” Mercedes
WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT F**KIN ALL ABOUT YOU F**KIN’ IDIOT?!!! I DON’T F**CKIN’ BELIEVE THIS S**T! YOU F**K, F**K F**KING F**KITY F**K!!!
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
Ahahahahahahaha! That was so awesome! This show is awesome! I’m so awesome for creating this show! Alright… I’m outta here to go reveal the whole thing…
(As Ashton comes out of his hiding place, Devin has a hold of the ‘waiters’ shirt collar and is fixing to knock him out as Mercedes just stands to the side, still half-naked and not in too much of a hurry to cover up. Ashton comes around the corner with a camera crew, into Devin’s direct eye line and as soon as he spots him, he lets go of the waiter and he and Mercedes just stand there in amazement at what has just happened to them both)
“Prefers Older Models” Ashton Kutcher
Ohhh man… that was so awesome man! You got Punk’d man! That’s so awesomely awesome that it was… awesome! Ahahahahaha…
(Ashton’s laughing is cut short as he is surprised by a straight kick to the groin by Mercedes which sends him crashing to the floor, closely followed by Devin kicking him while he is down)
(Harlem Dragon Promo)
(Harlem looks back at the television which still shows Devin kicking and beating up Ashton Kutcher while yelling out things like “I hated The Butterfly Effect” and “I could have played a more realistic white man trying to fit into a black family in Guess Who”. Harlem stands up and turns off the television and leaves the room he was in as we go back inside the restaurant)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Alright you son of bitch… tell me right now who the hell put you up to this huh? Whose ass do I have to kick for all the shit I just got put through?
“Victim #2” Mercedes
YOU?!!! This isn’t just about you Devin! I’m the one standing half naked all covered in gooey stuff…
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
Will you shut up? That’s like a regular Saturday night for you so what are you complaining about?
(Mercedes angry face turns into an accepting one as she can’t argue with that logic. Ashton seems to have a larynx and… other vital organs crushed at this point in time making his answering Devin extremely difficult)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
For the last time Ashton… tell me who put you up to this or you’ll be starring in a new movie called “Dude, Where’s My Manhood?”
(Ashton can’t speak as his testicles could quite possibly be lodged in his crushed larynx, hence them being crushed already but he points out the restaurant window at a figure standing next to a car whose looking very interested at the action inside)
(Harlem winks at the still half naked Mercedes before turning his attention towards Devin. Harlem smirks at the camera as he gets into his car and speeds off out of the car park)
“Victim #1” Devin Skylar
HARLEM YOU BASTARD!!!!
(The scene fades to black as Devin runs out of the restaurant leaving all the male camera crew just staring at Mercedes)
“Victim #2” Mercedes
…What…
