Well, after a promo that ranked pretty damn high on the insanity scale, it’s time for yet another one, weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Ah yes, the full story so far is insanely convoluted it’s unbelievable. We’ve seen everything from Razelot doing a medieval version of “Hit Me Baby One More Time” to…well…that Razelot thing was extreme enough as it is. But hey, Batson has a few things to take care of in this time period. Razelot and Apoks need to be united, Jack Lepus needs to learn how to joust properly, and Batson needs to win the storytelling competition. If he does all of these things, then he’ll be pretty well off and Loc-Nar will hopefully send him back to his time in time to go on Flatline and beat the crap out of Jackrabbit and Kryptonite in a tag team match with Mike Steele. But at the rate that Mike Steele is going in the promo-cutting department, it might as well be a handicap match. Steele is the freakin’ world champion and yet he doesn’t even bother to cut a promo? Geez, poor Brian will have to work his ass off if he wants anything resembling a win, because if Mike Steele doesn’t show, then it will make things VERY interesting next week. But hey, Batson’s got a ton of other stuff on his mind right now. Cut him some slack. Right now, it’s time to get medieval…

We fade in on Brian Batson, Razelot, and Squeebee standing out in a field. Set up in the middle of the field are various poles with rings set up on either side about seven feet off the ground. Batson, dressed up as Commander Fruit Loop, inspects each of the poles, making sure of their sturdiness. Razelot is dressed up in a spiffy combination of pink and purple that makes him look like some sort of bedspread. As for Squeebee, he’s hanging out, catching some rays, and enjoying the beautiful day. Just then, Jack Lepus walks over to Batson, clad in the armor of his Kingdom, Ekswhen…

Jack: Brian, art thou sure this wilt work?

Batson: Ask Razelot; it’s all his idea.

Jack: Razelot! What ist the purpose of this game?

Razelot looks over at Jack and walks over to him.

Razelot: This shalt work on thine accuracy. If thou art able to properly aim thine lance at the hole and then drivest the lance through the hole…

Batson: Didn’t I say to stop with those?

Razelot: Sorry… If thou art able to complete this exercise, then thou shalt be able to knock thine opponent off of their horse. If thou aimest for their right shoulder, thou shalt have no problem defeating them.

Jack: And what about staying on mine own horse?

Razelot: We shalt get to that in a moment. For now, thou shalt focus on this task at hand.

Jack: But the tournament ist tonight! I shalt never be able to defeat Kevin Lloyd…

Batson: Give me one of your gauntlets.

Jack: Why?

Batson: Just do it.

Jack Lepus takes off one of his gauntlets and hands it to Batson. Batson takes the gauntlet, weighs it in his hand, and then cracks it over Jack’s head.

Jack: OW! What wast that for?

Batson: Quit your whining, if you focus on these tasks, you will be able to win, I’ll be able to win, Razelot become reunited with Apoks, and then I’ll be able to go home!

Jack: Fine, fine. Give me mine gauntlet back and we shalt get to work…

Batson hands the gauntlet back over to Jack, who then smacks Batson in the gut with it.

Batson: Oof!

Jack: That was for hitting me.

Batson: Guess I deserved that, huh?

Razelot: Wilt thou two knock it off?

Batson: Let’s get to work and show these guys just who is boss.

We then fade to a montage of fun clips. Jack Lepus is seen riding his horse down the field with his lance. Before he can get to the first ring, he falls off the horse and rolls on the ground, as Batson and Razelot look particularly worried.

Razelot: That ist troublesome.

Batson: I have an idea.

Batson and Razelot are then seen tying Jack’s feet to the saddle. Jack then charges off with his lance and proceeds to grab two out of the ten rings.

Razelot: Keep thine lance up! If it ist erect at an angle, it wilt catch more!

Batson rolls his eyes as they put the rings back up. Crypto then gets going as Jack puts his lance at a slightly upward angle. Jack manages to grab five out of the ten rings.

Razelot: Better! Focus on the hole itself, not on the ring. If thou drives for the hole, thou shalt be able to lance it!

Razelot and Batson set the rings up again and once again. Jack Lepus goes after the rings with more aggression and focus and manages to net ten out of ten.

Razelot: Excellent! We shalt do this one more time to makest sure it ‘twas not a fluke!

The rings are set up once again. With his visor up, Jack Lepus grits his teeth and slams it down. Jack and Crypto go racing at a blinding speed, and Jack manages to net all ten rings once again.

Razelot: Yes! We art now able to proceed to the next lesson.

The scene flashes to Jackrabbit sitting on Crypt of Night fully clad in his armor on a backwater path. Trees and bushes adorn the path, making visibility into either side limited. Razelot is standing next to Jack and looking quite stern.

Razelot: This test ist easy. I wanteth thou to run down this path as fast as thou can without falling off thine horse.

Jack: That ist it?

Razelot: That ist it.

Jack: Easy enough.

Jack places his visor down and huddles close to Crypto’s neck. Jack then pats Crypto on the side and they go flying down the straightaway. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a massive tree branch swings out from a side and slams Jack Lepus off his chest, knocking him off his horse. Jack looks up and sees Batson standing on a large rock to the side of the path, holding the mini-log.

Batson: Man, you really failed THAT test.

Jack: Shut up.

Razelot comes running down the path to where Jack Lepus, Crypto, and Batson all are.

Razelot: Jack, get back on thine horse and we shalt do this again. Thou needest to work on thine balance. Thou must expect the unexpected.

Jack: So thou hit me with a log?

Batson: Hey, you want to learn how to hold on, this is a damn good way.

Razelot: Brian dost have a point.

Jack Lepus grumbles, and then gets back on Crypto. Jack Lepus rides Crypto back to where they started and Batson fades into the trees. Jack Lepus readies himself on Crypto and grasps the reins tightly.

Razelot: Go!

Jack Lepus kicks Crypto and goes speeding down the path. Jack Lepus watches carefully for Brian, but notices nothing. Suddenly, near the end, a small log slams into Jack from the opposite side from last time. Jack Lepus loses his grip and footing on one side and holds onto the reins for dear life with one hand. After being dragged for a few feet, Jack Lepus lets go and Crypto slows down, and then stops. Crypto walks over to Jack Lepus and nudges him.

Crypto: Neigh?

Jack Lepus stirs, then groans. Batson hops down from his dirt mound and hangs onto the log. Jack Lepus gets into a sitting position and shakes his head. Jack Lepus then raises his visor and glares at Batson for a few moments. Razelot comes scampering down the path and then stops at the two men.

Razelot: Come on, Jack. Get up and we shalt do this again until we get it right!

Jack Lepus slowly gets to his feet and shakes his legs, removing the dirt. Jack Lepus groggily steps back up onto Crypto, and then rides back to the starting point as Batson finds a new spot and takes cover. Jack Lepus and Crypto turn around and Jack Lepus wipes his eyes.

Razelot: Ready? Go!

Jack Lepus sighs and slaps his visor down. Jack Lepus gives Crypto a slight kick and Crypto begins running down the path. Jack Lepus balances himself well, focusing on the end. Suddenly, the log comes out from nowhere and nails Jack Lepus right in the face. Jack Lepus holds on for dear life, rights himself, and then goes to the end of the path and stops. Jack Lepus hops off his horse as Batson comes out from the woods.

Jack: IN THINE FACE!

Jack Lepus flips the bird at Batson, as Batson looks fairly impressed.

Jack: I art the man!

Razelot walks down the path, clapping really quickly. Jack Lepus takes a bow. All three men meet up, looking tired and worn.

Jack: So am I done?

Razelot: Nay, there ist one more task.

Jack: Damnit man! You have had me slaving for hours! What more torture must I endure next?

Razelot: We needst to get thou stone drunk.

Jack: An excellent proposition! Come, my friends! We shalt drink ‘til the tournaments begin tonight!

With that, all three men walk back towards the town as the scene fades to black…

Later…

…And we fade back in on a medieval bar. It’s underground and has a lot of tables where people are basically getting their asses plastered. I think the Germans call them raaskellers or something like that. Anyways, Batson, Razelot, Jack Lepus, and Squeebee are all sitting around a table, drinking.

Razelot: Didst I ever tell thou about the time mine father ate a live boar?

Jack: Nay!! Tell me!

As Jack Lepus and Razelot get into a really drunk discussion, Batson turns to Squeebee. Batson looks at his ale curiously, and then takes a sip. Batson coughs after taking the drink and turns to Squeebee.

Batson: This ale tastes like shit!

Squeebee: Well then, now you know how the rest of the world feels when we drink the swill you Yanks produce.

Batson: Funny, ha. Anyways, what do you think our chances are in getting the hell out of here?

Squeebee: Well, your assistants in this matter include a gay prince and a fruity yet determined knight. Given the fact that Nathaniel Glory and Kevin Lloyd are both the best at what they do right now, I’d have to say our odds are about three to one.

Batson: Wow, better odds than I’m giving us all.

Squeebee: I was lying. We’re buggered. I’ve listened in on a lot of conversations so far today with the locals. They’re all basically convinced that those two will kick the bloody crap out of the competition. Glory has been Castle Loch’s bard for the past seven years now and Lloyd has a few scores to settle. It seems that last year, Michael Vincenti used a modified lance to tear through the ranks. Problem is, that wasn’t exactly the most honorable way of going about winning the tournament. Last year was supposed to be Lloyd’s year and he was robbed, many feel. So now he feels he has to prove himself.

Batson: Wonderful. We’re definitely fucked then…

Squeebee: Indeed. But don’t worry about it, lad. We can grow adjusted to these times easily. It’s not like we need porcelain, aye?

Batson: I still have to do this. No harm in getting drunk I’m guessing.

Squeebee: Yes! It is much better for you to be smashed, in my opinion.

Batson downs the ale in a few gulps, then slams the mug on the table.

Batson: Barkeep! Another!

A cutely dressed hot blonde waitress walks over to Batson’s table and removes his mug. The waitress gives Batson a sly wink and a smile, then walks off to refill his mug.

Squeebee: Don’t even think about it. Judging from the way most men look at her in here, she’s been with them all. Lord only knows what kind of fun things you can take back home with you. She’ll probably think a condom is some sort of demonic machination.

Batson: I know, but it’s nice to dream.

At that moment, two men walk into the bar who look like they’re ready to cause trouble. One man is tall for this time, maybe about six and a half feet tall. He has an arrogant and cocky look to him. The other man is weasely, looking like he’s scanning the room for pockets to pick. He has a rather nasty demeanor to go along with it. Everyone in the bar goes quiet and watches both men silently…

Tall man: Who in here ist Brian of Batson?

Batson stands up defiantly and glares at both men.

Batson: That would be me.

The tall man starts laughing from deep in his throat, almost sarcastically.

Tall man: Mine name is Nathaniel Glory. I have been hearing whispers from the townfolk that thou feels that thou can defeat me in the storytelling competition.

Batson: If you are going to try and scare me, I recommend that you first pull your pants up, stand up straight, and turn around. Talking out of your ass gets you nowhere.

Glory: Ha! Thou thinks that thine tongue is sharp. In reality, ‘twill only be cut off by the king’s inquisitors.

Batson: What the fuck are you talking about?

Lloyd: Art thou deaf? If the king dost not approve of thine storytelling, thou receives a punishment of the king’s choice.

Glory: From what mine eyes can see, thou art a fool. I have been the king’s bard for these past seven years, no man can defeat me in a battle of words.

Batson: You want me to rip your arm off you little bitch? I’ve got enough ale in me to make my judgment skewed enough to mistake you for a man who can defend himself.

Glory: Ha! Thou art a coward!

At that moment, everyone in the room looks down to avoid the glares being exchanged between the two men. Jack Lepus stands up from his spot and points straight at the two men.

Jack: Both of thee are nothing more than frivolous talk. Put thine gold where thine mouth is.

Lloyd: Ah, if it isn’t Jack Lepus of Ekswhen. Still determined to get past the first round? Or art thou just coming here to give me a formal surrender?

Jack: Thine words do not sting mine ears. I wilt defeat thee in the joust whether thou like it or not.

Glory: Go back to fucking your horse! Thou art a defeated man.

Jack: You wilt taste mine cold steel!

Jack Lepus goes for his sword as Glory and Lloyd back off slightly. Lepus draws his blade and holds it at ready. Batson places a calm hand in front of him and stares at Lloyd and Glory.

Batson: We’ll see you later tonight boys. Run along before we make sure both of you end up before the Lord’s Judgment.

Glory: This hast only begun between us, Brian.

Lloyd: We’ll see you tonight.

Both men exit the bar as everyone slowly returns to normal. Jack Lepus returns his sword to its scabbard and takes a seat back in front of his ale. Batson looks at him from his standing position calmly.

Batson: We’ll get them, Jack. For now, let us continue our preparations…

Batson sits back down as another mug of ale is placed in front of him. Batson clanks it with Jack Lepus’ and talks a few gulps. Batson wipes his lips off as the scene fades to black…

That night…

…And we fade back in on Batson standing in the corner of the king’s throne room with a few other bards, including Glory. Batson watches coolly as Rodkrill stands before King Raaschild, who is dressed unusually royally, and the court members to introduce the next victim…err…bard…

Rodkrill: Yo’ majesty, I present to you the next contestant in the competition. His name ist Darren John Collieh, formerly of the Kingdom Eykon.

Raaschild: Excellent, Darren John Collier, please stand before us.

Rodkrill stands aside as a rather peculiar man steps up before the king. He is a tall and large man, looking like he could crush coconuts with his bare hands. Collier takes a bow before the king and speaks with a thin British accent…

Collier: Good day to you all, yo’ majesty, members of the court. Mine story goes something a little bit like this…

Batson groans and takes a seat as Collier begins prattling on about how he once found a seagull and hung it about his neck. In all honesty, it sounds like a poorly worded version of Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Collier gets to the point of talking about a peaceful kingdom and its enlightened ruler. But then Collier goes and makes it interesting….

Collier: Thence, I took up my sword and swung it DOWN upon the king!

The court gasps at this and King Raaschild looks a bit concerned.

Collier: With his blood spilling, I hacked up the members of his court, too! They all died by mine hands because they didst not agree with my views on how God abandoned us all!

The court begins to boo this as Collier begins to get distracted. All of a sudden, various pieces of food are flung at Collier. Some hit him in the face, other miss him by a great amount. And yet, Collier continues going on…

Collier: So I took the lass and I…

Raaschild: THAT IS ENOUGH! We have heard some violent and disgusting speeches in our day, but this is disgusting. We would have thee executed, but thou art too evil for that. We feel that thee should be locked in the stocks for 90 days! If thou art not reformed by the pelting of food, the wailing of women and their infants, and the jeers of the people, then thou shalt have thine tongue removed. Guards, remove this man from our sight!

The guards close in on Collier, but Collier turns to the crowd and gives them a sick and twisted smile. The guards and everyone else recoil in horror. However, one brave guard clubs him over the head with the blunt end of a sword. The guards then drag him from the king’s sight. Rodkrill goes over to the bards and selects two of the men who look suspiciously like two characters from the Kevin Smith movies. The two men follow him, but they look…HIGH!!! OH MY GOD!!! Both men laugh like idiots as they stand behind Rodkrill.

Rodkrill: Yo’ majesty and membehs of this court, I present to you Raijah and Strenhaas of the Kingdom Clehkrats.

Raaschild: Very well. Raijah and Strenhaas of Clerkrates, stand before us and show us what you can do.

Rodkrill steps to the side as Raijah and Strenhaas stumble forward.

Strenhaas: Fuck man! This fucking dude is like a fucking king. Look at all of the fucking food and the fucking colors. They fucking have a fucking lot of fucking purple and shit. The motherfuckers know how to live!

Raijah: Fuck yeah…

Strenhaas: Fuck man, where’s the fucking king’s fucking bitch? Shouldn’t all of the fuckers has fucking queens to fuck them every night?

Raijah: Fuck yeah…

Strenhaas: Fuck Raijah, you been eating fucking horseshit again? You smell like my fucking ass.

Raijah: Fuck yeah…

Raashild: ENOUGH! The two of thee are not guilty of any wrongdoing except for bad taste and foul language. We are not amused by your excessive use of the word fuck or anything else. As a matter of fact, both of thee reek of opium! What is thine problem? Please, leave our sight before we become even angrier at thine actions.

Strenhaas: Fuck man, let’s blow this fucking joint.

Raijah: Fuck yeah…

Strenhaas: I hear they have fucking good pussy at the fucking tavern. The fucking waitress is supposed to be easy as fuck. Hell, maybe even you might fucking get some.

Raijah: Fuck yeah…

Strenhaas and Raijah leave the throne room as basically everyone rolls their eyes and wonders how the hell the two of them managed to become bards in the first place. At this moment, only Glory and Batson are left. Batson looks up at the corners of the ceiling and notices that there are two mirrors behind the thrones on either corner behind them. Batson looks over and notices that there are two mirrors on the opposite ends of those mirrors on the floor. Rodkrill steps over to both men.

Rodkrill: Glory, King Raaschild wants Brian to be last.

Glory: Fine with me.

Batson: Rodkrill, what are the mirrors for?

Rodkrill: Ah, they are so that the guards can more easily spot any thieves or assassins who might be hiding in the shadows.

Batson strokes his chin, then runs over to the mirror closest to him as Rodkrill takes Glory over before King Raaschild.

Rodkrill: Yo’ majesty, membehs of the couht, I respectfully present to thee Nathaniel Glory, the reigning champion.

Raaschild: Wonderful! Glory, you may start at any time now.

Batson closes his eyes and focuses in front of the mirror as Glory starts. Batson is completely oblivious to Glory and the rest of the court as Jackrabbit’s latest two promos come up. Batson watches it intently, studying Jackrabbit. Batson grits his teeth angrily at Jackrabbit’s claims of innocence as Glory enraptures the crowd. Batson watches both until the end, and then turns around and sees that Glory has received a standing ovation from the crowd and from King Raaschild.

Raaschild: Marvelous, Glory! Thou hast surpassed thineself once again.

Glory: I thank you, my liege.

Raaschild: Please, take a seat on the other wall with the others who have won my heart. Thou hast truly moved us!

Glory smirks at Batson, then walks over to the opposite wall and takes a seat in the “Reigning Champion” chair. Granted, it doesn’t say that, but it’s bigger and a lot more comfortable than the other chairs. Rodkrill walks over to Batson and then takes him over before King Raaschild.

Rodkrill: Yo’ majesty and members of this couht, I present to you Brian of the Kingdom Batson.

Raaschild: Ah, Brian, we truly wish thee the best of luck. Thou art in a plight and need to prove to us and to thine own kingdom how great thou art.

Batson: I would like to humbly ask the King and his court for a different prize should I win.

Raaschild: Oh? What different prize?

At that moment, Razelot bursts through the doors as the court and everyone else in the room becomes a bit shocked by his abrupt entrance.

Razelot: That if he wins, thou freest mine lover!

Raaschild: Nephew! We told thou that we do not approve at all of thine affair with Apoks! No victories will change our decision.

Batson: Understand that if I do not win, I am forever in exile from my kingdom. Please, I throw myself on the mercy of this Court.

Raaschild: Your situation does not change matters, Brian of Batson!

Jack Lepus walks in the room, fully clad in his armor and cool bunny helmet and looking like he has a major purpose.

Raaschild: Who art thou?!

Jack: I am Jack Lepus of the Kingdom of Ekswhen. I am participating in thine jousting competition, your majesty. Since I was a lad, I have always dreamed of being in the mighty Legion of Raaschild. I have trained for years for this opportunity. Much like Brian, if I am not victorious, than I will not be able to go home.

Raaschild thoughtfully strokes his beard for a moment.

Raaschild: Hmmm…We shall make this deal with thee, in that case. If Jack Lepus wins the Jousting Tournament and Brian of Batson wins the Storytelling Tournament, then we shall free Apoks.

Batson: Deal! Razelot, Jack, please take a seat so that I may begin…

Raaschild: Whenever thou wishes, Brian of Batson.

Batson looks up at the mirrors and takes a deep breath. He then closes his eyes and focuses for a moment…

Raaschild: Batson? What say thee?

Batson: What do I say? Oh, it’s very simple. This story is about a man who once was the greatest of the greats. He was famous, he had money, and his life seemed as if it could do nothing but go up. That which he loved was the center of his life. Everything was going so well for this man. He had just completed his training and joined a legion. Many within the legion laughed at him at first. He definitely had talent. He obviously was superior to each and every single man in that legion. And yet, no man within the legion believed him to be as truly powerful and talented as he claimed. They laughed at him behind his back and thought of him as a mere nothing. Many of them thought that he would be nothing more than a joke in battle. He was ridiculed and criticized to no end, but it only drove him more and more.

One day, this man started winning one on one battles with members of that legion. Sure, many of them at first did not seem to pose much of a threat, but he surpassed them. Slowly, he started to win more and more and more. People started to take note of him and they began to worry about him. Eventually, he started to become a force to be reckoned with in this legion. Men who once openly laughed in his face started to respect him for what he did. He had an unorthodox method of fighting, but each time he went out to fight, he won. Even when a jealous member of this legion struck him down, he still came back, stronger and more determined than ever. But the men in charge of this legion still felt as if this member was too young and inexperienced. He did not have a big name; he did not seem very strong or imposing. And yet, somehow, he kept winning.

One day, the object of all of his love became even more famous and popular than him. That object was a darling among those who watched the legion from the beginning. It was incredibly popular among other members as well as those who were in training or who just enjoyed watching the men. Eventually, the word spread and the popularity grew and grew and grew. The object became a celebrity. The name of the object was common in households and it became the center of a near-craze. Men, women, children, all of them were in awe of that object of the man’s affection. The man wanted to be popular and famous as well, but he still respected and loved that object no matter what. He knew that his time would be soon…

But one day, the object vanished right out from under the man. The object was lost and the man did not know whom to turn to. The object was stolen from him. The man did not know why. No one believed that the object had been stolen from him. They all said that he was just trying to spread the fame and notoriety of the object, that he was just selfish and wanted more money and fame. But the man already had all of the money he would ever need. He was becoming more and more famous on his own without the help of the object of his affection. He sought all of the help he could and slowly started to go mad. He didn’t know who could have possibly done this to him. Two men emerged from the shadows to assist the man. They discovered that the man who stole the object of that man’s affection was in the legion that the man was a part of. The man became enraged and confronted the man known as Jackrabbit.

The man knew with all of his heart that Jackrabbit was the one who stole the object of his affection. The man had no evidence, but his heart, soul, and instincts all told him that Jackrabbit was the man who stole his object. Jackrabbit was already the second most powerful warrior in the legion and the man was going to challenge him for his spot in the near future. The man knew that Jackrabbit wanted to secure his place in the legion and did not want the man to topple him. Jackrabbit kept calling the man crazy, telling him that he did not have that which the man loved most. All the man wanted was to love again, and yet Jackrabbit refused. He used the object to torment the man. The man attacked Jackrabbit and challenged him. Jackrabbit accepted.

The man knew that Jackrabbit had an obsession with that which he loved most. Jackrabbit tried to mimic the man in many ways. Jackrabbit even talked about the object of the man’s affection with a gnawing want. The man knew that Jackrabbit took the object from him. Although, the man began to wonder about whether Jackrabbit’s claims of innocence were correct. He thought that maybe another warrior in the legion had stolen the object from him. But one day, the man found all of the evidence he needed to convict Jackrabbit of stealing the object. Jackrabbit lied about the evidence, saying that it was planted for him and that the evidence was not real. But the man knew better. He knew that Jackrabbit had lied to him. He knew that Jackrabbit put him in this situation so that Jackrabbit could torment him and do what he wanted. He knew that Jackrabbit would be able to get away with it because the man had no evidence.

So now the man seeks revenge on Jackrabbit. He was exiled from his own Kingdom because of his insanity. If the man is able to prove just how powerful and capable he is, then the man can return to his kingdom and prove to them that Jackrabbit stole the object of desire from the man. Every day without the object tears the man up inside. He does not know whom to turn to and he can’t stop to grieve. If the man ever stops, then he will have lost and Jackrabbit will have defeated him. The man that I speak of is Brian Batson. I am warrior and bard. I want to return to my kingdom to get back the object of all of my love. I want to return to show everyone just how damn good I am. They may have won for now, but when I return, they will forever regret underestimating me. I am the best there is and I will be victorious against Jackrabbit. But right now, I just want to go home. I am tired from a journey that has lasted too long. My heart aches for home and my mind aches for the familiar. I just want things to be normal again. I thank you for listening.

The court is on the verge of tears at this moment as Batson stands before the King. King Raaschild elicits a sniffle, and then begins to clap slowly. At that moment, all of the men and women in the court begin to stand up and applaud Batson wildly. Batson smiles and wipes a tear away from his eye as Razelot whistles. Raaschild steps down from his throne and places a hand on Batson and breaks the Royal We.

Raaschild: As King of The Loch, I declare thee the winner of this year’s competition! Thou hast survived much grief and much pain, and I wish thee the best of luck in thine endeavors to get back that which you love most. Return to your Kingdom and hold your head high, Brian of Batson! Glory, thou still art our bard, but thou hast been defeated. You both did us proud!

King Raaschild raises Batson’s arm ala the winner of a wrestling match as everyone applauds wildly. Glory gets a disgusted look on his face and leaves the throne room as the scene fades to black…

Edited for Time…

…And we fade back in on Jack Lepus. Due to the sheer length of things that have happened so far and that will happen, time was taken into consideration and things were greatly edited. Jack Lepus has advanced to the finals of the Jousting Tournament and is facing Kevin Lloyd in Sudden Death Elimination. Spiffy, eh? We Jack is one his horse and seems genuinely excited as Batson and Razelot help him.

Razelot: The only advice we have for thee is to continue doing what thou has been doing.

Batson: You can do it man.

Batson grabs Jack Lepus’ hand and shakes it. Jack Lepus smiles and slaps his visor down.

Jack: ‘Tis time to prove my worth to this world.

Jack Lepus mounts Crypt of Night and arms his lance. Jack Lepus trots Kryptonite out to his end of the arena, which is filled with screaming fans. Many have started different chants, from “Lloyd sucks cock” to “Lepus! Lepus!”. It’s a lot like a wrestling event, go figure. Lloyd emerges from his end, riding on a black horse. Lloyd glares at Lepus. A man comes out from the King’s booth to quiet the crowd down, which he does. The man announces the two combatants to the wild cheers of the crowd. Raaschild stands before everyone.

Raaschild: Lloyd, Lepus, thou both hast shown thine true power and strength. May God be with thou both.

Raaschild drops his handkerchief, signaling the start of the joust. Crypto rears up, and then charges full speed ahead. Lloyd’s horse rears back slightly, then makes a forward path straight to Jack Lepus…

Batson: Well, here goes nothing…

Squeebee: C’mon Jack…c’mon…

Jack Lepus and Lloyd collide in the middle of the ring with their lances. BAM! The lances explode on impact and both men try their damndest to hold on. Jack Lepus steadies himself and gets rebalanced on his horse. Lloyd loses his grip on his reins and falls right off his horse, eliciting a massive cheer from the crowd, Batson, Razelot, and Squeebee!

Batson: WE’RE GOING HOME! HAHA!!!

Squeebee: Yes! Yes!!!!

Raaschild stands up, applauding Jack Lepus. Jack Lepus gets down from his horse and walks over to Lloyd. In a show of sportsmanship, Jack Lepus offers his hand to Lloyd. Lloyd looks at it, and then grudgingly accepts it. Lloyd gets to his feet, and then shakes Jack Lepus’ hand, getting an even wilder reaction from the crowd. Raaschild raises his hands, quieting everyone.

Raaschild: Release Apoks from his confinement!

Batson and Razelot walk into the middle of the arena and congratulate both Jack Lepus and Lloyd. Glory walks out from Lloyd’s side of the arena and offers a hand to Batson. Batson shakes it heartily and smiles. At that moment, a man dressed up in a purple princess outfit comes running out into the middle of the arena.

Apoks: Razelot! Mine hero!!!

Apoks’ skirt begins to fall down slightly as he runs. Apoks jumps on Razelot and hugs him with his arms and legs, bending over and unfortunately revealing a hairy full moon, much to the disgust/amusement of the crowd. A familiar Russian voice is then heard behind Batson.

Loc-Nar: You did well, big boy. We get to do this again soon enough.

Batson turns and faces Loc-Nar

Batson: I won.

Loc-Nar: This round. Next round will be more entertaining!

Razelot lets Apoks down and Apoks pulls his skirt back up.

Razelot: Chorus, where art thou?!

The chorus comes charging into the arena and take up positions behind Razelot.

Razelot: Apoks, I have hadst a ballad composed since the day thou wert incarcerated. I hast been saving it for this day.

Razelot pulls out the familiar lyre from his tunic, tunes it, and then begins the most disgusting and God awful medieval rendition yet, complete with the voice of a bear with a hoarse throat.

Razelot: