I'm So Smart, It's Scary
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Le Jazz Hot

From the previous entry: Lisa e-mailed me on Sunday (AFTER BLOWING UP MY PHONE FOR AN HOUR ON SATURDAY) asking for my home address because she wanted to send me something. Why does that sound like "put address into Mapquest and we'll send us" to me?

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, that TOTALLY FUCKING HAPPENED! And the craziest part? I didn't give them my goddamned address! I don't know if they looked it up using the reverse phone number thing or if Lisa just found it somewhere in her stuff, but they showed up to my goddamned house yesterday. That is so fucking pressed; it's not that serious. We were at home minding our own business, (I was on the third step from the bottom going to the kitchen) when someone starts beating on the door (I had a really bad feeling about that). My step-dad peeped out the window in the kitchen (and they saw him) and told me someone with a baby was outside. I told him to not open the door, but he told me to go to the basement and he told them I wasn't home. Then they asked him when I would return and he was like "I don't know!" I can't even wrap my head around that. If I really wanted to see Ashley and her baby, I would have put in some effort to, and not put it into avoiding them.

God, they make me not even want to check my e-mail, well, that account anyway. I might go into it much later today, you know, late enough so they don't climb into a car and drive over here again. Jesus wept, that is so ridiculous. You know another thing that pisses me off, is that whenever they wanted to go out or we were already out and they offered to pick me up or drive me home, whenever I told them where I lived, I got, "Damn, you live out the way!" I still can't believe they are that obsessed with me getting to see the baby of some chick that I stopped communicating with over a year ago, mostly to do with her whorish ways. Maybe that's a bit harsh, but hello, it's called protection, use it. That's fine that she married the father of the baby, but the fact that she was pregnant by a different guy a couple of months before this kid's conception, had a miscarriage, then kept on having unprotected sex is just a bit fast for me.

In the e-mail Ashley sent me that mentioned her "sub-unit" (Eww, that's just a gross term to call your kid to me), she "need to tell you about all the hot british ass I've been nailing...well the only british ass I've nailed (I know you told me to nail one it each kingdom, but I couldn't tear myself from the first one I could find.." FAIL. Yeah, sure the ONLY guy, since she got married. I probably jokingly told her to get with the hot guys, but that was all her that tried to shag most of the United Kingdom. She would call and say she was with one guy "Chris". The next week it would be "Adam". Then I would ask what happened to Chris, she would say "he got deployed." Okay, not her fault, but one week later damn. Then she'd give Adam the boot for "Sam". Why? Because she wasn't looking for anything serious, but Adam was. Maybe laughing at these stories sounded like encouragement, but not really. Unless she's saying she went back to the first guy she was banging, then she's just lying. Unless she made up all those other guys for my enjoyment, which wasn't necessary. Still, she's totally lying, because when she got pregnant with this kid, I asked if the father was the same guy as the first and she said no.

I just looked it up and maybe I'll take this down a notch because she was engaged about 2 months before she got pregnant again. Still, she was moving really fast, but if she's happy then go on being happy. I like a life where my biggest worry at the moment is if I'll like the new Super Bowl rings (rumor has it they'll be unveiled June 9). Sure there are much more pressing matters at hand, but that's all I care about.

I'm sorry, but it is me. I'm not that fond of small children, maybe it will change if I have my own, but at this moment, no. I'll even be big enough to admit slight jealousy. Not jealous of having a kid, but more like a life. I want one, but not with them in it. I feel like a complete alien when I'm with them. We have nothing in common than we went to the same high school, and talking about high school gets old. If they ask what have I been up to, the answer is fucking nothing, but because I don't talk to them all the time, they don't believe it. And I've never been one that wants to hear about baby stories, most of them are boring and if we went out and Ashley launches into her labor and delivery story, I'd freak. I can't watch that shit on TV without changing the channel a dozen times due to my extreme discomfort with childbirth. Even the dramatized ones, like on the show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. The stories are re-enactments, so they're not really showing things too gross, but it still flips me out.

Well, this has been negative enough, I just had to come and post about how ridiculously right I was. And the weird thing is that is something I wasn't really pressed to be right about. The fact that they went above and beyond to find my address and drag Ashley's kid to meet me (who would not even remember me anyway) is just mind-boggling. I guess some would find it flattering, I think it's annoying.

To bring a smile back to my face, I gotta post a picture of my Snookie. I wish I could have one from the White House, but there weren't really any good ones where he was by himself. The best one was of a group picture where someone went in tight, and  he was on the edge of the left. Maybe next time; however, here's a photo of Hines, Bus, and Ben at the Divisional Round Playoff game against the Chargers. I miss Bussie so much, and you can see his big-ass Super Bowl ring on his finger.

I'm phasing.

Popping In
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: MP3 Shuffle

Okay, I have been ignoring my friends because I'm a complete bitch. I can't hide it anymore. I just can't fucking care. I know it's not like I got a million things going on (well, I got a thing this weekend, it's an exception), but it's just whatev. Seriously. I mean, back in November, Lisa invited me to her birthday party at some club (through Facebook, which I don't have because Facebook/MySpace are lame; Twitter is just as lame, but very tempting). I declined (because the current music scene is swiftly passing me by and I'm not a clubbing person, I wanted to be when I was like 14, but now not so much) and wished her a happy birthday, then I got the 100 questions: Why don't we see you anymore? I hate waiting at Metro stations for 30 fucking minutes. If I want to go shopping or see a movie, I go out and do it. I'm so anal about punctuality. Why don't you want to talk on the phone anymore? I don't have anything to say because of lack of similar interests. Plus, I've never been a big phone person. Even when I talked to Marcus or whoever for hours, it was because we were watching the same thing, like wrestling, which was a 2 hour program. I can't say I'll never hang with them again, because I said I would never like football, NASCAR, and a bunch of other shit that I ended up being obsessed with, but I also just hate that "alone in a crowd" feeling. Seriously, I'd rather much have 1 person that I felt totally comfortable around then to have a bunch of acqaintances that are nothing but mayhem and foolishness (new favorite show: Clean House).

She got kind of angry when I said there was nothing to talk about. She was saying stuff like, "Nothing to talk about, Ashley just had a baby!" So. (I'm so like Ben Linus, more on Lost later) I got an e-mail from Ashley this week, she's back in town. She wanted to introduce me to her sub-unit (son). I told her how affectionate that sounded. God, I am just so bitchy about them. Lisa e-mailed me on Sunday (AFTER BLOWING UP MY PHONE FOR AN HOUR ON SATURDAY) asking for my home address because she wanted to send me something. Why does that sound like "put address into Mapquest and we'll send us" to me? I have yet to respond. I'm not sure how. She used to have my address.

OMG! Fuck Lost! I can't believe it, that should have been Kate in the hole. I know from last season I said that a Sawyer/Juliet pairing would have been weird, but they did it right and it was so sweet, and now Juliet is fucking dead. Maybe. Awesome acting from Josh Holloway (Sawyer), I was tearing up. I'm more upset at the Juliet thing more than Locke isn't really Locke but some ridiculously old guy (over 200 years) who found his loophole. This show blew me. All that said, you know I will be so pressed to watch the last season next February. That sentence just made me sad.

My Snookie and teammates come to the White House next Thursday! He will be so very near. It's not fair; I just want to see him.

My future children need those eyes. I burn, I pine, I perish.

Oh yeah, GMC has unveiled a line of Big Ben Sierras. The slogan is "Drive Big Ben all over town." I read that as "vehicular sex", am I wrong?

I'm phasing.

P.S. Playoff hockey is awesome, that might be my next thing. It helps with the pain, like NASCAR, but there's nothing like football.

!Feliz cinco de mayo, otra vez!
Mood:  silly
Well, last year it was a sombrero. Today, let's just say that Ben really gets into celebrating the Mexican cultrure.

For some reason, he and teammate/BFF DE Brett Keisel switched jerseys, and at a glance, Brett kind of favors our very special QB, especially the 2005-2006 bearded version.

This isn't the first time Ben's sported Brett's jersey, either.

The team should be visiting the White House sometime this month (would do practically anything to get a glimpse of them), and getting their Super Bowl rings the first week in June. After that, I hope ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happens between then and training camp.

I put the second photo up because you know I just couldn't let the masked one be the only one.

¡Te quiero, Señor Ben, aunque usted es extraño!

I'm phasing.

 

 

Wishing Nothing But the Best

Have a happy birthday, you!
We'll have a great day, too!
Everybody play,
It's Ben's special day,
Happy Birthday!

I'm popping in to say Happy 27th Birthday to my favorite TWO-TIME Super Bowl winning quarterback!   I know he was out in Las Vegas throwing a Super Bowl victory party on Friday, February 27, but I'm not sure if he'll spend his birthday there.

Yeah, I know I missed the season, but I'm superstitious, and since the Steelers were doing well, I didn't want to jinx them. I do want to say that I am a genius. The dream I had was the Steelers winning another Super Bowl, but in my dream, it was against the Giants, not the Cardinals. Even though the Steelers and Giants had already played earlier in the season (and we lost!), I still wanted that epic Ben vs. Eli showdown on the big stage.

The game itself has been rehashed to death (and there are those trying to take it away from the Steelers), but it went down to the wire (like soooooooooo many of the games this season), and Pittsburgh came out on top. I'm happy that Ben got to redeem his play from Super Bowl XL, but the fact that once again people keep saying the refs helped us out (yeah, that holding call on our center Justin Hartwig in the endzone to give the Cardinals a safety for 2 points really gave us the game), makes me wish that the game had been like a 42-10 blowout, so there's no doubt. Eff all the haters, because that last drive Ben had was fucking epic! All the Cardinals defense had to do was stop an 88-yard drive for a TD. It would have been 78 yards, but of course our OL had a holding penalty. First to six Super Bowl wins! 

Breaking Down Into Bits Again, Tell Me, What Am I To Do?
Now Playing: O.A.R.- Heard the World
I wrote most of this August 4, I edited and added the song extracts today, August 8.

Ugh. That's the only way to begin, everything seems it's spiraling out of control. I just feel so unhappy and annoyed all the time lately. Well, it did kind of start with that last entry, but now it's overwhelming me. I'm always jittery and on the verge of breaking down crying. It all just seems hopeless, and now August is here. It feels so much like being 16 all over again, except this time I know it's depression instead of just feeling misunderstood all the time. It may be even worse since it's depression AND feeling misunderstood. This feeling is so aggravating; I so want someone to hear me and help me out, but I don't want that person to live in this house, because they just wouldn't get it.

When it comes to my mother, if it's not about her, she just doesn't get it or care, and doesn't want to try. I'm sorry that she's in constant physical pain due to a car accident, but she doesn't help herself out by not keeping to her lawyer and doctors' orders. They tell her to stay in bed, and she cleans the bathroom floor. I would have (grudgingly) done it, but she took it upon herself and proceeded to not be able to get out of bed for the next two days. I know my lack of sympathy makes me sound so horrible, but I always remember this being the woman who didn't do anything when I told her I wanted to kill myself. What happened was that when I was in 11th grade, I was taking Spanish 2, for some reason one of the assignments was to do a report on an animal (in ENGLISH!) I was smack in the middle of my teenage depression, like I slept through classes and generally didn't give a shit anymore, but I didn't know why. So I chose not to do it, like I said, I didn't care and felt that I would just take the 0, since the teacher had said that if you didn't turn it in on time, she wouldn't accept it. It's worth mentioning that I had just gotten my first computer and we had AOL ( dial-up), and my Spanish teacher called one night ( it had to have been a Friday or Saturday night, because my parents weren't home and I had been on the Internet for HOURS), since we had dial-up, her call went straight to voicemail. When my mother got the message, she was so pissed off. She banned me from the computer, except to do the report. I told her that the teacher wouldn't take it late, but she made me do it anyway. So I went back on the computer that night and plagiarized someone else's research on pandas. While I was in Microsoft Word pasting my report, I opened up a new document and just started typing out my feelings. I wrote how miserable I was and how everyday I wished I would just get hit by a bus to make the pain stop. I left both papers outside her door before I went up to bed. The next day when we were all discussing the paper, she asked about what I had actually written and wanted to know if I was turning that into my Spanish teacher. She just didn't get it. I think it was this incident is the reason why I usually roll my eyes when I see some parent complaining that their teenager doesn't open up to them. Maybe they'd handle that situation differently (better), but that's what I went through, and the only thing I got from that experience is that I don't tell my mother anything serious about me, unless I have to.
I will say to his credit that my step-dad did get that the note was addressed to her. He didn't try to help me out at the time either, but he was quicker on the uptake than she was. Of course now, oh so many years later, he wants to talk all the fucking time. Like not too long ago when I fell asleep watching television (nothing was on), she opened my door first and said nothing, then he came in (loud as anything, at that) and kept asking what was wrong, was I not feeling well, was I said, did I want to talk about it, and whatever. For once the answer was "NO!" Besides, to me, they missed a big opportunity to talk and get help, it might be a bit late for them.

Fear is holding me here

I think a big reason I'm like I am is lack of encouragement. Seriously. I mean, my junior and senior year I wanted to go to the University of Miami and go far away, then I freaked out and decided to go to community college. Did anybody ask why I changed my mind? No, I got whined at about how she already started to fill out paper work for loans and stuff. I know that's important, but it also was the correct time to say "it's all right to be scared and someone has your back." Although looking back, seeing how they dropped the ball on a suicidal teenager, this shouldn't have been a surprise. All I ever wanted was someone to say being scared about being on your own was perfectly natural, and now it just hasn't gotten any better. I'm still at home, scared to venture beyond the front door, feeling just as awful as I did then. Only it's much sadder now because I'm older and more is expected of me. I also hate it because all of the adults who were around in my childhood seem to have nothing but opinions about what i should have done, but none of them have any helpful advice.

If the world is crumbling down
I don't want to be alone

Unhappy, Unhappy, Very, Very, Very, Very, Very, Very, Very, VERY Sad...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: My Chemical Romance- Famous Last Words

 WTF happened to never going back?! The rest of my summer has been fucking ruined, all thanks to her (you know who). I fucked myself over so badly a few years back, and that I have no one but me to blame. FUCK!!! I will say now that for my birthday next month, I don't want a cake or anything, but just for people to leave me the fuck alone. I'm that pissed off about it. I will however accept monetary gifts and/or tickets to the Steelers @ Redskins game in November. Otherwise, I'd be fine if nobody spoke to me that day; tranquility is a blessing.

FUCK YOU, AUGUST 25!!! Even though my birthday is the next day, I wouldn't be sad if that day never came. JESUS CHRIST GODDAMMIT!!!

Another thing that is annoying the hell out of me is the whole "television is going to be all digital in 2009" thing. We have digital cable (fucking ripoff, they took out half the movie channels and jacked up the prices, FUCK YOU, COMCAST!!!), but one of our TVs is basic cable and is plugged into the wall with no box at all, so we have to get the converter box for it. I checked out the prices and they're running for about $60, depending on what you get, and the coupon is for $40. I say we chuck cable altogether and go back to DirecTV, that way I'd have NFL Network again, only thing is we'd have to change ISP, but that could be a blessing in disguise. The thing that's bothering me the most about this is that NOBODY is fighting it. When television became colorized, black and white sets didn't stop working, you just couldn't see the color, but you could still watch television.

If one of the presidential candidates grew a pair and said this is so fucked up, I might actually register and vote. She thinks that the gas is a more important issue (which it is getting out of hand, but since I don't drive yet, fuck that). What is really pissing me off is that if the government can come in and fuck up your television viewing so you HAVE to spend money, on top of what you paid for the actual television itself, then the government can come in and do ANYTHING. I don't feel like making her understand why it upsets me so, but if they can do this to television, they can try to interfere with radio, they're trying with this HD Radio crap they keep advertising, but they would have a harder time with that. Maybe that is what they should do in order to get people to wake up. Tell the public that they have to buy converters for their home and car radios if they want to hear anything. If you can't get traffic and you run into some serious back up, when you could have taken a detour if you had only known where it was, you would be livid. That's the reason why I think they might not try it with radio... just yet, anyway.

This is all the FCC's fault; it wasn't enough for them to tell Americans that, even though you have FREE SPEECH, you can't use it on radio and television. Now they want to make you pay more for something you ALREADY OWN, so you can get more channels that you still can't practice free speech on. Damn, George, you left us too soon to set these motherfuckers straight, because it's getting worse. FUCK YOU, FCC!

Smoke is leaving Joe Gibbs Racing! He's going to become an owner/driver of what was Haas/CNC Racing (I think those were the right initials). Now, it's going to be Stewart/Haas Racing. Next season is going to be so weird, no more Big Orange No. 20 barreling down the track. I know his new sponsor is going to be Office Depot (still has the Depot part), but I don't know what his number will be. And of course he's going back to Chevy, because he hates Toyota. I wonder if he was having the year Kyle Busch is (SIX WINS SO FAR), would he reconsider and ride out his contract, which would have expired after next season. Damn, I can't use my flag anymore after this year, he better win the next 10 races, just so I can get use out of it.

Really, football season needs to hurry the hell up, because there are some dark clouds on the horizon. My new mantra: training camp is coming, training camp is coming, training camp is coming, etc.

Correction from previous entry: Eddie's time in the beginning of Ocean's Thirteen is more like 20 minutes. What the hell was with those sandals? Very disappointed, Eddie. But I still l*** him. Like I said, training camp is coming, and if the past has taught us anything that you can't bet against Ben.

I also tried to do the Popsicle thing again, twice, to no avail. The second time I had mostly finished it by the time he came into the movie and the third time I was angry and kept getting disturbed, so it just didn't work. Plus, I was trying to hard and all I got was a sore tongue. The first time it was unintentional, spur-of-the-moment, and really, uh, interesting.

Oh yeah, Tony Reali got married last week (June 28- July 6). I don't know the exact date, but I find it strange that lots of guys get married around their birthdays; Tony's is July 4. I'm of two minds about that, most of me agrees that it's so the guy doesn't forget, but a small part of me thinks it's so the wife can get a gift right around the same time. You know that selfish type out there exists.

Amazon.com is so addictive. Even though they don't have all of them, they still have lots of those hard to find songs. Damn them.

Swingtown is still awesome. Also, something that has been brought to my attention is that Jack Davenport has a cute little bum on him. You can't help but notice in those extremely tight pants.

I guess that's all the bitching I can do for today, but I feel good, it's nice to get it off your chest. With that, it's photo time:

I know, it's not a photo of his backside, but it's really cute.

I love his eyes! At this moment, I'm doing contrast and compare with this picture and one of his photos when he's dressed up, and I still don't believe it's the same person.

He is so lazy. You better be saving strength for training camp, because that is sad. LOL

You know the old saying: Men are like potato chips; never can have just one.
Damn, I must have been pissed off, because I started AND posted this on the same day.

I'm phasing.

Short N' Sweet
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: YouTube
I had a dream, I dreamed about you Benny, it's gonna come true, Benny!

I don't want to elaborate, I'm going on the "blowing out birthday candles" thing; and if a dream is a wish your heart makes, then goddammit I want this one to come true!

Who would have thought the highlight of my weekend would be a Popsicle and watching Eddie Izzard in Ocean's Thirteen? It was hot, and oh so inappropriate.

The movie itself is pretty good, Eddie's part comes 10 minutes in, then Brad Pitt and George Clooney are filling his character in on some back story and he goes in and for about 35-40 minutes, then you don't see him for about an hour and a half. It's so annoying.

Once again, Smoke got screwed; this time by mother nature. Stupid rain, if it had been like 15 minutes earlier, he would have won.

Training camp needs to hurry the hell up.

I'm phasing.

The June Entry
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Mp3 Shuffle/YouTube

Okay, so, at school, there is to be a pizza party on Friday, June 7, and there are these 5 kids that got onto a list that meant they couldn't participate. Now, the local Papa John's runs a special where it's $6 a pizza if it's delivered to the school. Yesterday (Sunday, June 1), my mother says she wants to let the kids back into the party to cover the pizza and drinks. Now we have 12 kids with permission slip and payment (13 kids in all, but one of them has a terminal parent, and she's going through a rough time, even though she was being a bit much because she's in desperate need of attention, she's since been straightened out; it also doesn't help that she has like 3 or 4 siblings and some of the other ones have been acting out, but I digress) Today (June 2), she had the other students who weren't in trouble stand and take a Survivor type vote to let the other children back into the party. I think the point I'm trying to make is that my mother talks about how these children don't get disciplined at home and how when you threaten them with punishment, and you don't follow through with it, then the kids don't learn anything. That makes sense to me, but hypocrite say what? I know there's the cost to consider, but we're basically set. Still, ALL the kids have to pay and bring the permission slip that they can even eat the pizza (because EVERYBODY is allergic to something nowadays).

We charged the kids $3 each, and with 12 payments, that has us at $36. We bought the drinks, and 3 packs of Capri Sun cost us $7.50, which leaves us with $28.50, $28 will give us 4 pizzas, which is 32 slices. Now, the school is hard pressed that even if you have a class party where you feed the children, they still have to go to the cafeteria and eat, so most of the kids should only eat one slice (but there are greedy/wasteful ones). The earliest the pizzas can arrive is 1:00, because Papa John's doesn't open until 11:00. Last year I think all of her students (well, most, but enough where she didn't let them get back into it), and we took home like 2 whole pizzas. Like I said, all the kids have to get permission to eat and we'll only accept permission slips with money. I also have a theory that the 5 kids let back into the party will bring the slips and money back faster than some of the other kids who haven't paid. If I receive less than 3 tomorrow, I'll be stunned. God, I can't wait for this week to be over.

Today on Elliot in the Morning, they had this woman on named Stephanie Klein who wrote a book called Moose detailing about her years at fat camp. I might have to get this book. I didn't go or anything (I still live at home out of fear at however old I am, seriously I have trouble remembering some days, like I got sent away to any type of camp) but it sounds like I could probably relate to some of the stuff in it. She was also talking about how parents don't go out and play with their kids. Not do deliberately take them to exercise like jogging 10 miles, but just to get them out and active, and this really hit home. My mother tells all these stories about how when I was younger and doctors would ask about my activity and she would talk about how she (my mother) walked 7 miles a day, and when she would drag me along, I would slow her down. WTF? I'm shocked one of them didn't say something like, "How about you slow your pace for the 6 year old?" You have to build up to shit like that. 10 more days and she's gone. I hope I'll make it.

Tony Stewart has had some terrible luck lately. He got wrecked like 3 laps in at Dover yesterday. Elliot said that Tony said something like, "I take full responsibility for it; I should have known better than to drive that close to Elliot Sadler." After the wreck, my attention waned heavily to the Internet. I basically stayed on Lostpedia and listened to my new favorite song (Bow Wow Wow Aphrodisiac) on YouTube.

Lost's (bestshowever) season finale was AWESOME! Unfortunately, I can no longer be in denial that I'm watching a sci-fi show because they've totally introduced time-traveling into the show, I mean, Ben turns "The Frozen Donkey Wheel" in January 2005, then is instantly transported to Tunisia October 2005. Sure it's not thousands of years, but I can't deny it's science fiction. Benjamin Linus may be the coldest guy on television, and I love it. Not only did I love what he said to Juliet after he showed her Goodwin's body when he purposely sent him on the mission hoping he would die since he was jealous of their relationship (Because you're MINE; take a much time as you need). He may have topped that with ONE single, monosyllabic word- Locke: You just killed everyone on that freighter. Ben: So? It was so good. I was also so emotional when Desmond reunited with Penny. The Desmond-centric episode "The Constant" was the best of the season I think, and the fact that Penny ended up finally rescued him was great. One downer point was that it felt that Desmond might not be on the show anymore, but Ben is out for Penny's blood. Ben blames Penny's dad Charles Widmore for the death of Alex, and Ben's doing the whole "eye for an eye" thing. Charles said that Ben would never find Penny, so I'm thinking that she went into hiding with Desmond, because Jack warned Desmond to be careful since they know how dangerous Charles Widmore is (after all, he did send people to the island to kill everyone on it not named Benjamin Linus). So that leaves me to believe that Des and Pen are hidden somewhere. Still, that's one less hot guy, and that sucks, well two, because they (may have) killed Jin. There are some who believe Jin made it into the water and disappeared with the island, so we won't really know until next season. I wonder how I'll make it until 2009, but football season will carry me through, unfortunately I'm 2 solid months from any type of NFL action. "No football and Lost make me go something, something."

Other random Lost thoughts:

 

"We have to go BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!" Yes, yes we do.

**June 9, 2008**

The pizza party is over. The pizza was late, we ordered 10 pizzas, took home 6 and I don't want pizza for a long ass time; which kind of sucks because I would haven't minded to have some while they were gone. Oh well.

I have a new favorite movie, Hot Fuzz! That movie is AWESOME! It's hysterical, my favorite lines from it are: "This shit just got real!" and "You're off the fucking chain!" I'm sure there are more, but those are the two that I quote all the time for no reason whatsoever. I first saw it a few months ago when they were having a free Cinemax preview, only one channel, but they gave us all the OnDemand stuff, and I watched it there. Now it's on HBO and I've been watching it like mad; might as well, not like there's anything else on now. The only thing is that I wish I would have watched Shaun of the Dead, because there are a few reprises from that movie since it's made by the same people. I saw a couple minutes of it on Easter when it was on Comedy Central, but it's not the same.

**June 19, 2008**
Man, this is taking forever!

That was the fastest week, EVER!!! Seriously, everytime I looked up, it was always night time about to be the next day. I would have maybe tried to post, but on Monday, there was a bad storm and I was without cable AND Internet (the lightning or something was so bad, it fried the modem and they had to give me a new one). At first it wasn't that bad, I watched Eddie Izzard's Dressed to Kill some more (more on Eddie later), lots of Monty Python, but after two days, that started to wear thin, but it was really funny at first because I hadn't seen it in a while, then I finished up yesterday watching the AFC Championship game between the Steelers and the Broncos. So good. The cable came on sometime that day, but like I said the modem went *tbttht* and died, so no computer. Man, I loved being here by myself, I didn't do anything, but it's so peaceful and relaxing.

I don't feel like elaborating too much on their trip, mostly because I got daily updates and I just now got another recap. All I will say is that my brother's dickishness reared it's ugly head, and now he and my mother aren't speaking. Whatev.

Oh dear, we are in trouble, part deux. Okay, I know from past experience that I'm not over Ben, it's just that the off-season he's a bit scarce, and I don't ever mean for it to happen, but I usually start fancying somebody else. The surprising thing is that this is a repeat offender. I don't think I've mentioned fancying him before, and I don't feel like looking up, but I'm pretty sure. Any road, the new (temporary) object of my affection, back for the first time is Eddie Izzard!

I'm not sure what happened, well, like I would be bored and I would look up his stand-up clips on YouTube, and in one of his shows, Sexie, he is just that. He looks so goddamn good. He has on a red boustierre with a jacket over it, a short black leather mini skirt, fishnets, and knee-high boots with the really thin heels, OMG! On the other hand, he's quite cute when he's in like jeans and a shirt, or has he calls it "blokey mode" like he is in his new tour, Stripped. Of course, being attracted to a guy almost twice my age is nothing new, but Eddie brings something new to the table. It drives me crazy that I get so hot over him when he's dressed like a chick, and he looks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking hot; I think what makes me slightly angry is that he looks fantastic and much better than I ever would in his outfits. So jealous. Football season can't come soon enough.

I have a summer show I'm kind of feeling, Swingtown starring old temporary flame Jack Davenport! I'm all for these British actors to get American TV gigs; we've fucked their accents up enough, and it's payback! Swingtown is set in 1976, and I think the one thing I don't like is that the lady who plays Jack's wife is not hot enough for him. I don't know, she's quite plain. I mean, I know they were looking to make average '70s couple, but there's nothing wrong with the girl next door look. However she did look better in the second episode when she had the "Farrah-do"; really, she was just "blah."

Downloading songs from Amazon.com could TOTALLY be my undoing.

**June 21, 2008**
I just found out the closed the movie theatre at Springfield; that sucks, it had been there forever and it was never sold out when a big movie was opening. It would be crowded, but you could always get a good seat, and not have to buy you ticket 3 hours ahead of time. I say this because my mother wanted to go see some movie, she doesn't even know what she wants to look at, just go to the movies, even though there's no food in the house. Genius. Any road, after I told her that Springfield was closed, I suggested Hoffman, it's so nice, and I get, "I'm not familiar with it, I'm hurting and I don't want to do a lot of walking." Springfield is a fucking mall, so there would be walking. Hoffman is just a theatre with a Ruby Tuesday's in it. It's also like a mini, not really shopping center, but it has a couple of restaurants and a Cold Stone's (best ice cream ever). Whatev. In the end, we went grocery shopping and bought her two DVDs, Mad Money and Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins. God, she has such sub-par taste in movies.

**June 23, 2008**
I learned very early this morning that last night America lost a truly great icon, George Fucking Carlin died. Goddammit, I was so fucking blown when I heard about that. I fucking adored George Carlin. All the truly great ones are practically gone man. If anything I learned from him it was to question everything people told me, especially about politics and religion. I even had the same stance on (not) voting as he did, before I heard his views on it. Basically, if you vote you can't complain. People like to spin it the other way saying the opposite. To me, if you voted for "Dubya", you consciously made a decision for him to be your leader and you have no right to complain about the mess he's gotten us all into.

Then there is religion. I basically grew up in a Christian household, I went to a private, Christian school, so I had these beliefs forced upon me. Now, George was an atheist, I've never had the balls to go that far (the term for this kind of pussy is agnostic). I really want to believe there's a just, kind deity with a plan, but shit is just too fucked up. If there is a God, I feel a bit like the movie Dogma (which George Carlin was in), he/she was in human form, was kidnapped, but not killed (because then they would go straight to heaven), but incapacitated so nobody could find him/her (i.e. coma). When I heard George have a go at religion (it was in his 2001 HBO special, the bit on the Ten Commandments), I felt like something had been lifted up from over my eyes, it was just so true. Then I heard older stuff, and basically agreed with most of it. Unfortunately, for me, I can't openly share any of these feelings with anybody I know. However, I do have a blog that NOBODY sees! With that, I'll share some of my favorite quotes from George, mostly on religion:

• Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
• The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
• I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
• When it comes to BULLSHIT...BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT... you have to stand in awe, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.
• I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god- I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize...something is FUCKED UP. Something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of sh*t you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago.

And the Ten Commandments bit:

"Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let's start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin' killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself."

May they blow up Mt. Rushmore, start over, and put George's face on it. Furfuckingseriously!

Joe Bless You, George!

I'm phasing.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits!

I started this May 4, and that's all I really have to say.
**********************************************************

I can't believe it, I had another dream trying to sex up my Snookie last night (5/4/08)! That makes 2 in the course of about 5 days. Now I will probably never dream of him again. This time he was in a hospital (knocks on wood, hope he doesn't EVER go in one again), and I guess I was a nurse (or just lying about it), because I was pushing him in a wheelchair (there didn't seem to be anything wrong with him), and I brought him to this room with a bed. As soon as I shut the door, Ben was on the bed and I straddled him. I also told him that if I didn't have him at that second, I was going to scream. I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.

After that, the dream changed to something weird. I was in a cafeteria and sat down with adults, like old people, I think they were politicians or something. One of them must have told some embarrassing joke, because I covered my eyes, then they were telling me to uncover them, but when I did, I was with two teenage girls. Apparently I'd gone back to school, it must have been private because we were wearing uniforms. I was telling them how I wish I had gone to boarding school, and one of them said, "No, not boarding school!" Then we were walking up a stairwell and I kept telling them that it doesn't matter what you learn in school, it's all about the people you know, the connections you can make. Just then, we passed some girl and her father, who was proud of her daughter, I think she was accepted to something, but I knew it wasn't for her grades. For some reason I knew she wasn't a good student. Then I told my two dream friends that I didn't trust whatever she'd gotten accepted to, but that she had to know someone and that was the most important thing. When we got to class, I couldn't find my books, they were in the desk of another student (one from my mother's first grade class, the clingy one I mentioned before), not much was made of it. Then the teacher started to talk about something, then she interrupted herself and started to talk about that horse they had to put down at the Kentucky Derby, and I said that it was my horse. It seems my dad had bought it for me and I was down, but not depressed about it, and that I had more horses at home. At this time in the dream I think I somewhat consciously realized that I was a fictional character I had invented years ago named Daphne. I never did finish the story, basically she starts out as a spoiled "daddy's girl" (something I never was), then I shifted that role to the younger sister and Daphne felt that her father had something against her. Like I said, I never finished it, but the fact that I believe I dreamed a bit of her is so crazy, especially since it's been a long time since I've given that any thought. I still wish that the beginning part of the dream had been longer: Me sexing up my Snookie!

Launchcast is being lame, again. Now that I've become a "Rating Master" (rated over 10,000 songs, artists, and albums; NBD, I've been on it since 2002, I'm surprised it took this long), it will only let me listen to it for barely one day a month. But I tried logging into my other Yahoo account, and it said the same thing. I don't know what that's all about. I guess it monitors usage through the ISP address and not user name. I should have known that seeing how anyone could get dozens of accounts.

The NFL off-season is the worst; I miss my Snookie, I miss football in general (NFL and NCAA) There's very little news, and anything you hear about will be blown out of proportion out of desperation. Except anything on those cheating ass losers that I've hated way before it came into fashion, any negative attention on them should be mentioned first on everybody's local news. Now it seems that they've been practicing players on Injured Reserve (which is a no-no). Unfortunately, our pussy ass bitch of a commissioner said even if the story can be confirmed (which it already has been, by an ex-player), he won't seek further punishment. I hate Roger Goodell, I really do. I may hate him more than NE quarterback and the hooded prick. Well, he might be 1c. Either he is the most incompetent person in sports or the Kraft family has photos of him with underage male prostitutes, because something is just not right. I understand that New England is the marquee team that you overexpose and it shocks you that the team that you chose to make the face of your sport cheated, but if I were running the NFL, that would make me bring the hammer down on them harder than if it was some lame-ass team like Detroit. You have to make an example out of them. I still think that if it was a team like Detroit or Arizona, Goodell would have banned the entire coaching staff from the game entirely, fined and put the owners/GM/other personnel on like 5 year probation.

At approximately 9:15 pm, May 28, 2008, I realized that it had been 10 years to the day since the passing of Phil Hartman. It was so weird. I was on Wikipedia earlier that day, and the featured article for that day was the retired Simpson's character Troy McClure. I didn't click on it until much later in the day, like around 8:something. Then I clicked on Phil's page, then I clicked on the Saturday Night Live page, and that's when it hit me. At first I was like, "the 10-year anniversary is coming up soon", but I couldn't remember if it was the day before or the day after, then I realized it was that day. I lost it, I started crying and everything. I still remember how I found out about it: My room was a mess, and I was banned from watching television until I cleaned it up. This didn't really bother me, because I had books everywhere, so I figured I was just going to read all summer. Plus, if I was really desperate, I would just call Michael (whose birthday was May 26, happy belated to him where ever the hell he is), and he would tell me some stuff that was going on. Any road, when the story broke, my mother burst into my room and she told me to go in her room and watch, because she had Entertainment Tonight on. In the middle of letting this terrible news set in, my mother says, "See, if you cleaned your room, you could have watched this in there." At the time, I felt this remark to be callous, and a bit cold. I was so angry with her that she said that. I know that I didn't know Phil Hartman, but I was 13 and had adored him since I was 8. I can't remember, and I can't really look it up right now, but I used to call him my old man, because I was always searching for that father figure, and I just got attached to him when I was younger. I was absolutely devastated, and that was the remark I got. I think at the time the only person I was angrier at than my mother was, of course, Phil's wife. Even though it took some years to stop being so angry was that I felt worse for their children than anything, and that really put it into perspective for me. It's bad enough their father died, but it was a result of their mother being a drug-addicted, paranoid, jealous psychopath, and she shot Phil and herself.

I can't wait for June 9 to get here, I'm even more excited for June 12. June 9 (which is a MONDAY, tch) is the last day of school! Hopefully I'll have the entire class cleaned up by then. I've taken down two walls full of the students' stuff and the numbers on the wall. I can't do anything today (Thursday, May 29, 2008) because we have to leave early (not that I'm complaining about that). Tomorrow, my mother has a bunch of meetings with some of the parents of the students who are "Below Grade Level", so maybe I can just be in the background doing that. I want to get the alphabet down, by then. On June 12 is when my parents go to Alabama. Can't wait. I just remembered I have to make an example card for one of the students tonight because her birthday is tomorrow (May 30), and she is insufferable! She's been talking about her birthday coming up forever it seems like. I know kids are excited about their birthdays, but I've been her for 2 months and have been through I think 4 other ones, and NONE of them have been as bad as her. Her problem is that she is the smartest one in the class, but she wasn't in my mother's class last year, and her teacher was an incompetent fool (he said that all his kids were smart when they had to split the classes last year, and most of them were below or barely on Grade Level), but since she really is smart and her parents actually do stuff and her parents and the teacher last year treated her like God's gift, so she still has a swelled head.

I really shouldn't even care about stuff like this, I should be having my own problems and this school stuff shouldn't be it. The huge silver lining is that I can put this on my resumé as volunteer work, which will cover the two years between Ashley Stewart and whatever the hell I do next. It's really true, I mean, for the past two years I've done all my mother's reports and stuff, made a bunch of crap for the children to color (usually it has something to do with what they're reading) and I've made up math sheets, had to go on field trips, did cupcakes, decorated the classroom, and I'm sure countless other things (I'd make a great stay-at-home mom, it's just the having kids thing that bothers me). I just have to remember to update my resumé. Administrative Assistant would be okay, but I would be perfectly fine with something like Mail Room Clerk (which doesn't sound too bad, unless you have to deal with a bunch of (stupid) people). I've screwed myself so bad by not getting the hell out of here when I should have, and with a recession coming up, oy vey.

OMG! Smoke was SO FLIPPING CLOSE!!! He was leading with less than three laps to go and he blew a tire! I was so pissed off!

Season finale of Lost(bestshowever) is on tonight. It goes 9-11, and I have the VCR set up, but I really want to watch it. I may stay up and just suffer tomorrow.

It's time for me to wrap this up, but I have to post a picture of my Snookie. I know this has been a long time coming, but this photo is the one from his Super Bowl commercial. He's singing the Piña Colada song (badly), and it's really cute. It's the screen-cap right before the janitor straight carries him.

That's right after the janitor said, "I loved that song." Then the janitor said, "Till you ruined it!" Then this happened...

Oh, my poor Snookie! Seriously, I don't know why he has so many things featuring him trying to sing when can't. I love him anyway. Oh, and since May 4, I don't think I've dreamt of him since, which really sucks.

I'm phasing.

!Feliz Cinco de Mayo!
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Le Jazz Hot

It ain't photoshopped... 

 

¡Te quiero, Señor Ben, mi amor!

I'm phasing.