There's Gotta Be More to 20 Than This
Mood:  irritated
Man, it's only been a few days since I turned 20, and it sucks.

I don't really know what else to say but that. Yesterday was absolutely atrocious! My step-dad ripped me from Elliot in the Morning to tell me to cook some hamburgers for lunch. I cooked them, and they were a little overdone. Mommy says she would have eaten them. But he said it was some half-ass job, and it was, but I was so pissed off at him already. I mean, he forgot my birthday, not to mention he forgot how old I turned as well, ruined one of my birthday cakes, and he complained about that. Jesus Christ, am I allowed to have an off day? I guess not. Today, I woke up with a headache, and he kept annoying me. First he tried to make me eat cereal, but the crunching wasn't going to help my head. I said that I was going to make a grilled cheese sandwich later, but he kept pestering me and gave me a melted cheese sandwich. I think he put it in the microwave it, because neither slice of bread was toasted. But, one part of the crust was burned. WTF? I just wish he would have left me the hell alone. I can cope by myself. I have mechanisms to help me deal with anger. Like I need to be pissed off for at least a week with people. He said that he wasn't mad. So? I'm still angry, I'm dealing. But he always wants me to talk. Whatever. But yesterday, he made me cry, I'm not good at much, but when someone calls my food substandard, well, I'm out for bloodshed I guess.

I'm just soooooooooo upset that he forgot it was my birthday. My twentieth birthday! I mean, yeah, I hate it when people ask me 'What does it feel like to be 20?' The truthful answer: The fucking same as it does to be 19! There is absolutely nothing that I can do today, that I couldn't do last Wednesday, August 25, 2004. Turning 20 is like a training two or something. Like training wheels on a bike, it's there just for you to get used to having a '2' in front of your age. But like I was saying, even 'That Man' remembered my birthday. Actually, he's been pretty good on that since I turned 18. *wink wink* Plus, his anniversary was the day before it. I totally forgot about it this year. Oops. Maybe next year. Lisa called me, Marcus called me on his break at work, I felt so special! Plus, my mom really came through to make that a good day. But for my 21st birthday, VEGAS!

I also didn't get the Waldenbooks job. I knew I bombed that interview. I'm not a good interview person. I wish you could be judged on your work. I just don't get it, how do Jason and Marcus R. keep getting jobs that they quit or get fired from for fuck's sake, and I can't get job one? Fuck life, life sucks.

But, there is one person, one man, that just makes life feel so much better:



I printed that picture last night, put in in a protective cover, and put it in my lyrics notebook. God, is he hot! He's two for two this week! He was on the previews, so he might be three for three. AND, he did the halfway thing yesterday, then today he did the end again. That is so AWESOME!!

I'm phasing.

It's my birthday!!!!
Mood:  party time!
I'm 20 now. Dude, I can't believe it. I can't believe there is a '2' in front of my age now. It's really weird. But if I could, I'd want the following things for my birthday:


Bret is just really hot! Even if he is like 41 or 42, I can't remember.


But I will never, ever, get this Shawn Michaels ever again. He's supposed to comeback some time this month, I'm just starting not to care, that's all.


He's really cute. It's pure coincidence that he's like the #1 tennis player in the world.


OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!! Look at his eyes! He's soooooooooooo hot! And, he was all over OLTL today. He and Evangeline got into some serious action towards the end of the show! Plus he did the 'Stay tuned...' part, and he was on the previews, so he'll be on tomorrow!!!


Kevin Cornell. Chippendales' dancer. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking hot!!! There are better pics of him on the Chippendales website, but the entire site is Flash, so, no copy, no paste-y. But goddamn, I want him! Bad.


If puberty is nice to him, he'll be really hot when he's 18. Which is why I put him on the back burner for now, but he's really cute, and he looks like he'd be a blast to hang out with. If he weren't so young. Oh well......


If that bike really could exist, I would want it almost as bad as I want Michael Easton!

I'm phasing.

Just a Quick Update
I'm totally getting that football itch! Man, I can't believe it's football season again. There is finally something that I can turn on when wrestling gets
stupid. But wrestling always does that.

That crab feast thing was whatever: I so do not fit in my family. I WANT A NEW ONE!! Well, just that side of my family. They had a bunch of music there, but it all sucked, and everybody was asking why I wasn't dancing. I wasn't comfortable enough to just dance, well, I did do the Cha-Cha-Slide, but that's a different thing entirely. The dude tells you what to do in the song, that is so easy. I think Stacy got a picture of me doing it.

Marcus got a new job. He works at Giant. Good for him. But now his schedule will be different every week, so we'll see how the phone stuff works out. I'm ready for a job, I'm just scared. I haven't had one in 3 years. I'm so used to being home all the time.

My parents missed me while I was gone! WWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Yeah, I know. I missed them, too. And the house, my room, cable, the internet, my stereo, DVD player, and some other stuff. That room I stayed in at my dad's house, OH.MY.GOD! It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot! I can't sleep in the heat. I sleep with a window air conditioner unit right above my bed. I almost died in there, so I was so happy to go home.

Well, I better go, I just realized I'm missing Whose Line Is It Anyway?

God, I think he is so hot, it's not even funny! And there is never enough of him on One Life To Live!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm phasing.

Not Much Happening
I know, I know, it's been a long ass time since I've been here, but July went
so quickly this year. I can't believe it's going to be August next month.
Another year just flying by, and me doing absolutely nothing with my life.
*sigh*

This weekend, I'm going up to Baltimore for a 'Crab Feast'. The only thing is, I don't exactly know how to eat crabs. I can eat crab legs, but whole crabs
is a different story. We're traveling there by bus, and I'm bringing Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Guns N' Roses Greatest Hits, and Rolling Stones Forty Licks. I asked my mother what my father would think of me bringing these things with me, and she said that he wouldn't really care. Uh-huh. Then I told her that practically defeated the purpose of taking them. I mean, of course I love these three items, but I really wanted them to be there
for shock value. Ah, that's life, but like the Stones said, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." I love that song. A funny thing is that I think some of my "friends" are going to be up in Baltimore that weekend as well, for Otakon. But I'm not sure, it usually takes place around the late July/early August. I tried to tell Jason that two times in a phone conversation, but he wasn't trying to listen.

I have a new love. Shocking, I know. But he's so hot! His name is Michael Easton, and he plays Lt. John McBain on One Life To Live. It all started Friday night/Saturday morning, when I had this dream about him. The dream wasn't sexy or anything, but from then on, I couldn't think of anything else but him. And he's having this hot fling with my girl Evangeline on the show. But unfortunately, for me, it won't last. I read in some spoilers that he's due to hook back up with Natalie. I used to want them to be together, but Natalie went to Paul, so whatever. Truth be told, I wouldn't have minded them reconciling if he had never hooked up with Evangeline. Oh well.

Well, I'm running out of stuff to say, so I'll, hopefully, write more sometime soon, but before I go, I'll end with two happy thoughts.

1. Michael Easton: Man, I think he's so hot!

2. FOOTBALL SEASON IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!!!

I'm phasing.

I love Roger Federer!

 

It Always Seems Like I'm Angry
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Aerosmith Amazing
You know what pisses me off? When people call me, and not talk to me. That is so goddamn, annoyingly frustrating to me, I can't even see straight! It happened last night. I was watching AFI's 100 YEARS...100 SONGS with my mother, and since it was Tuesday, I was expecting my friend Lisa to call, because we always talk on the phone when we watch MTV's The Real World. She called at like 9:00, and I told her to call me back when the show started in an hour, because I really love musicals and shit like that, so I was really into the program that I was watching. Anyways, 10:00 rolls around, and I had to tear myself away from my show. And we're watching it, and I realized that she wasn't totally committed to the conversation. She was having an online, instant message conversation with some guy named Bret. And his last name wasn't 'Michaels', so I wasn't that interested. I just can't be on the computer and the phone at the
same time. That is so goddamn rude to the person on the other end! They wouldn't be getting my undivided attention. And then these people are calling me! UGH!! It's not like I'm calling them up, and disturbing them, they are calling me!! The stupidly, ironic part was that at the end of The Real World, she all of a sudden became real chatty and wanted to tell me about a previous episode I've never seen. And I'm like, dude, you didn't wanna talk all this time, but when I really want to get off the phone and watch something else, that I had been dying to see, now you have stuff to say. Whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm so lying, of course I do, because if I didn't, it wouldn't bother the piss out of me like it does. But I think the biggest thing is that, it's not only one certain person that does this, EVERYONE, EXCEPT ONE PERSON, I HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH OVER THE PHONE DOES THAT!! AND IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOO RUDE!!!

OMG! AFI's 100 YEARS...100 SONGS was a good show. Of course Somewhere Over the Rainbow was number one, but still, it was good. And I find it so sad that I don't have friends that like that kind of stuff. I don't have anyone to share it with, so I'm the only person who gets to experience it with me. But I already know how I feel about it!

On Monday, I actually didn't talk to Marcus during Raw. Jason called, and I just didn't end the conversation. If Marcus had text messaged or something, then I would have, but it was refreshing(?!), for a serious lack of a better term, to talk to someone else, and get their point of view. OH. MY. GOD. Jason, Jason, Jason. He is a total mark. He actually asked if Lita was really pregnant. This is so sad. Then when I said, of course not, it's only a story line, he said that the reason she said she was pregnant was because she wanted time off. The scariest thing is that he says all of this extremely stupid stuff, but he wants to be a wrestler. Granted, if he was like ten years old or something, but he's 21!! He's older than I am. There really are no words on how pathetic this is.

That's all for me, I was pissed about something else, but I can't remember it, so I'll be off.

I'm phasing.

I've Finally Had Satisfaction, In the Third Paragraph

Marcus got back from Cancun. He had a blast, I was so jealous of him!
Like I said, I'm getting a job, and I have to go there for myself. You know, I
bet it's cheaper like during winter. We'll see.

Today's Father's Day. I went out to dinner with mine, it was nothing special.
My father has never had a serious conversation with me for the almost twenty
years of my existence. Whatever, I don't care, I got a free meal out of it.
Yeah, I'm shallow, but what has he done for me that counts? Sure, I love
my stereo, but my stereo doesn't give me advice. And my class ring was nice,
too. Even though I didn't get it until like a year and a half after I graduated.
Plus, it has the wrong mascot and school colors. But we had ugly school colors,
so I'm not that upset about that. But really, like Elliot says, "Don't fuck
[bang] the prostitute halfway." It basically means, if you're going to do
something, don't half-ass it. So with this in mind, I'm taking him for all he
has.

I am absolutely mad about hair metal. It gets worse and worse every week. I
can't get enough of it, it's like crack to me. It's so addictive.
I feel like I need it to get through my day. OMG, on I think Friday night, I had
my fix! I was watching some VH1 show called Top 40 Rock Ballads, or
something like that. It was goooooooooooood! Then I heard Bon Jovi's
Lay Your Hands On Me. Then when I was going to sleep, I had the radio on
with my headphones, and I heard 3 songs that I really like, but have forgotten
what they were, I'll post it when I figure out what they were, I think Green Day
Brainstew was one of them. I know that's not hair metal, but I love that
song. Anyway, I remember being so happy when I went to sleep that night. I
literally felt full, like I had just eaten dinner or something, but instead of
food, it was happiness. It was fulfillment. It was satisfaction. And baby, there
is nothing like it. It was absolute euphoria. I can go on forever
describing exactly how wonderful it was. I had never felt like that before in my
life, but I have one more example: It was like knowing you crave a certain
drink, and always being thirsty for it, but you've only been given a sip of it
at a time if/when you taste it, and finally being able to drink an entire cup
full. I was quenched. Hmmmmm, I guess that's what it must feel like after you
have really good sex. Like I'd know. I'd give anything to always feel
like that.

Before I jet, I have to say that I have a few new favorite songs that I can't
get enough of. One is new and the other two are old. The first one is Hoobastank
The Reason. At first I couldn't stand this song, it was (is) so
overplayed. But then, I kept always catching the tail end of it, and little by
little, it grew on me. But when I hear it, it makes me think of my friend
Michael. We had some stupid falling out, and I wish I could correct it, but I
don't know where he is or what happened to him.

The second of my favorite songs is Soul Asylum Runaway Train. LOVE.
IT. The lyrics are so beautiful. I know exactly how that feels. Well, I
would if I could break from this monotony that is my life. I hope I can runaway
and never come back.

The third is Great White's cover of the Ian Hunter song Once Bitten, Twice
Shy. That is my new jam, considering it's like 13 years old or something.
LOL. I can definitely relate to the title. That's why I don't have
anybody, love interest wise. I'm scared of getting hurt, so I keep my defenses
up. Plus, it's a really great song to sing along with.

You know, I really wish I had a friend to like most of the shit I
like. It would be too awesome if I actually had someone to gush about
Harry Potter and hair metal with. Oh well.

I'm phasing.

Just So Bored

I'm bored, bored, bored, bored!

For some reason, I'm still not used to this place. I still like my old online journal, but I gotta be strong, I can make this place just as good, if not better.

Every time I want to say something, I never remember to come here and type it. I'm such a space cadet.

My friend Marcus (Justin2004 for my Degrassi friends) is in Cancun right now, god is he lucky! It's been a really boring week without him, even though last night wasn't too bad. I stayed up until 1:00 AM, on the phone with my friend Lisa. I hadn't planned on staying up that late, but it was a good conversation.

I've been trying to win these Raw tickets on the radio. I seriously doubt I'll get them, but if I don't then I'm just not going. I'm flat broke, and the radio is giving away good seats. On Monday, fifth row, Tuesday, fourth row, etc. On Friday, it's front row! I so want those. The only reason I'm not hard pressed to go is because Shawn won't be there. He might, but I seriously doubt it. This fucking sucks, the time that WWE Raw finally comes to DC, during the summer, Shawn's not coming. This is karma or something. But, if I did get the tickets, I would totally take Marcus. He's my best wrestling buddy, besides, he's done so much for me, I owe him. Even if the tickets were free, still that's something. Especially seats that good. But I'm probably not going to get them. Oh well.

I'm bored. I'm ready for a job. I think I really am, but no one is hiring for the summer. My best bet is to keep up contact with Hot Topic, and put the hard sell on towards the end of the summer when everyone else is starting school again. I really want to work there.

Raw was so stupid on Monday. And the fact that Marcus wasn't here made it like a million times worse. I didn't watch most of it. I watched the beginning for Shawn, and after that, I was like, "Fuck this, I can't sit through this!" I saw bits and pieces of it, and most of what I saw was dumb. A pregnancy angle? OMG, you have got to be kidding me! *sigh* I've already stated before that now there is no reason for me to be watching this stuff for the summer.

I went back to my Yahoo messenger on Sunday so I could see WWE PPV Bad Blood for free. Man, that was so much fun. I forgot how cool it was. I stayed in that chatroom for the whole 3 hours. I made a couple of new buddies and stuff. My computer doesn't seem to like Yahoo messenger though, every time I upgrade it, my computer starts acting funny. If you have Yahoo messenger, and your computer can handle it, I suggest you do the upgrade, it's really cool.

Well, that's it for me, I have to print some programs for my mom's school's pre-school graduation.

I'm phasing.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

My other online journal has pissed me off. It deleted a total kick ass entry because it said I used profanity!! Everyone else on that site does, but because it's me, they get rid of it. That is complete rubbish! I wouldn't even say the whole word if it was really bad like 'shit' or 'fuck', I would use asterisks to replace some of the letters. But the stupid thing is that I have much worse entries than the one they deleted. Especially the ones where I rant on about my mother. Whatever.

So now I'm going to put all my efforts into this one. Hmm.

It feels really weird doing this, my other locker was so wonderful. You could put up a slideshow and it showed the other members you had stuff in common with. I guess this is just starting all over again. It might take me a mo' to get used to this.

I'm phasing.

The Walls Are Closing In On Me
When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe?

Harder To Breathe Maroon 5

WELL IS THERE?! I feel like everyone is pulling me from a bunch of different sides. We want this, we want that, and everybody wants what they want now! Can bitch get few days notice? Damn. I gotta escape. I just need to get away from everyone I know. Well, Justin2004 is going to Cancun (so lucky, so jealous), so that's cool. Plus, he's not the annoying one. I just wish I could disappear, you know, like one minute I'm here, the next, just gone until my head is clear and it's the right time for me to reappear.

"The whole fucking world's against us, dude, swear to God." (JayJason Mewes, Dogma)

I swear, next time someone just calls me up and asks what I'm doing that day, I'm going off. I need to, but then I get all upset because they'll say/think I have an attitude problem or that I'm being stuck up. But you know, I'm starting to just not care anymore. Really, I'm not. I used to be this very shallow person and stuff, and I kind of miss her. She didn't care, she was very happy with being just surface. I've let too many people below the surface. I used to act like I belonged in the movie Clueless, which is my favorite movie by the way. I miss being ignorantly happy.

"You know, just because people are clique-y and snotty is no reason not to like them." Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria

"You know, just because people are clique-y and snotty is no reason not to like them.
...Or hate them." Jane Lane & Daria Morgendorffer, Daria

I don't know why I keep doing quotes.

Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe?
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe?
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe?
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe?
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe?
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe?

I guess not.

I'm phasing.