Breaking Down Into Bits Again, Tell Me, What Am I To Do?
Now Playing: O.A.R.- Heard the World
I wrote most of this August 4, I edited and added the song extracts today, August 8.

Ugh. That's the only way to begin, everything seems it's spiraling out of control. I just feel so unhappy and annoyed all the time lately. Well, it did kind of start with that last entry, but now it's overwhelming me. I'm always jittery and on the verge of breaking down crying. It all just seems hopeless, and now August is here. It feels so much like being 16 all over again, except this time I know it's depression instead of just feeling misunderstood all the time. It may be even worse since it's depression AND feeling misunderstood. This feeling is so aggravating; I so want someone to hear me and help me out, but I don't want that person to live in this house, because they just wouldn't get it.

When it comes to my mother, if it's not about her, she just doesn't get it or care, and doesn't want to try. I'm sorry that she's in constant physical pain due to a car accident, but she doesn't help herself out by not keeping to her lawyer and doctors' orders. They tell her to stay in bed, and she cleans the bathroom floor. I would have (grudgingly) done it, but she took it upon herself and proceeded to not be able to get out of bed for the next two days. I know my lack of sympathy makes me sound so horrible, but I always remember this being the woman who didn't do anything when I told her I wanted to kill myself. What happened was that when I was in 11th grade, I was taking Spanish 2, for some reason one of the assignments was to do a report on an animal (in ENGLISH!) I was smack in the middle of my teenage depression, like I slept through classes and generally didn't give a shit anymore, but I didn't know why. So I chose not to do it, like I said, I didn't care and felt that I would just take the 0, since the teacher had said that if you didn't turn it in on time, she wouldn't accept it. It's worth mentioning that I had just gotten my first computer and we had AOL ( dial-up), and my Spanish teacher called one night ( it had to have been a Friday or Saturday night, because my parents weren't home and I had been on the Internet for HOURS), since we had dial-up, her call went straight to voicemail. When my mother got the message, she was so pissed off. She banned me from the computer, except to do the report. I told her that the teacher wouldn't take it late, but she made me do it anyway. So I went back on the computer that night and plagiarized someone else's research on pandas. While I was in Microsoft Word pasting my report, I opened up a new document and just started typing out my feelings. I wrote how miserable I was and how everyday I wished I would just get hit by a bus to make the pain stop. I left both papers outside her door before I went up to bed. The next day when we were all discussing the paper, she asked about what I had actually written and wanted to know if I was turning that into my Spanish teacher. She just didn't get it. I think it was this incident is the reason why I usually roll my eyes when I see some parent complaining that their teenager doesn't open up to them. Maybe they'd handle that situation differently (better), but that's what I went through, and the only thing I got from that experience is that I don't tell my mother anything serious about me, unless I have to.
I will say to his credit that my step-dad did get that the note was addressed to her. He didn't try to help me out at the time either, but he was quicker on the uptake than she was. Of course now, oh so many years later, he wants to talk all the fucking time. Like not too long ago when I fell asleep watching television (nothing was on), she opened my door first and said nothing, then he came in (loud as anything, at that) and kept asking what was wrong, was I not feeling well, was I said, did I want to talk about it, and whatever. For once the answer was "NO!" Besides, to me, they missed a big opportunity to talk and get help, it might be a bit late for them.

Fear is holding me here

I think a big reason I'm like I am is lack of encouragement. Seriously. I mean, my junior and senior year I wanted to go to the University of Miami and go far away, then I freaked out and decided to go to community college. Did anybody ask why I changed my mind? No, I got whined at about how she already started to fill out paper work for loans and stuff. I know that's important, but it also was the correct time to say "it's all right to be scared and someone has your back." Although looking back, seeing how they dropped the ball on a suicidal teenager, this shouldn't have been a surprise. All I ever wanted was someone to say being scared about being on your own was perfectly natural, and now it just hasn't gotten any better. I'm still at home, scared to venture beyond the front door, feeling just as awful as I did then. Only it's much sadder now because I'm older and more is expected of me. I also hate it because all of the adults who were around in my childhood seem to have nothing but opinions about what i should have done, but none of them have any helpful advice.

If the world is crumbling down
I don't want to be alone