Mood:  not sure

I still fancy Jack Davenport. What can I say; he’s so sexy and has the most gorgeous green eyes. Yet, for some reason, I still feel incredibly guilty about not fancying Ben anymore. I don’t know why. It is the strangest thing, though. I look at all those pictures that drove me crazy for almost four years, and nothing. It’s just like looking at some guy. It feels like the My Chemical Romance song I Don’t Love You and the lyrics that go: “When you go, would you even turn (have the guts) to say I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday?” It’s so sad. But I haven’t really seen anything from Ben on TV, so, like I said last time, the REAL test is in August, or when training camp starts. Which I’ve just realized is in a few weeks!

I got a new computer, the jury’s still out, as it does weird stuff that I can’t control, but it beats looking at the wall.

Man, I can’t wait until Friday. That’s the day of my step-dad’s surprise birthday party. While I am excited, I’m more anxious to get it over with more than anything. It’s so hard to keep it a surprise and hide all the decorations and stuff. The only thing I’m disappointed in is the turn out from his family. The thing is we TOLD these people in JANUARY that we were having this. They are acting like we JUST sprung it on them a couple weeks ago. Now two of his sisters have legitimate excuses, but the rest of them? SHAME!!! Especially his brother that lives up here; they were the first people to get an invitation, and they were due back by May 15. So why did it show up on, like, May 30. That is two weeks past the deadline. But they live like 20-30 minutes away (traffic gets really bad in that area, especially in the evenings going their direction), it is just so pathetic. His children are BARELY making it up here, my mother is paying for their hotel stay, but their aunts are trying to get together some gas money. Still, we have a lot of people attending, around the 70 mark, including the caterer and DJ. I can’t help think that with all the money my parents have spent, not only could we have gone on holiday; we could have gone out the country. Maybe we could try England, perhaps?

My brother is coming up on the 4^th and he and his family are staying with us; {sarcasm}this should be fun{/sarcasm}. I just looked up the entry from when I went to Alabama, and it is stated that “{My brother} was cool for like a day and a half, then he became the biggest bitch in the world.” He gets really fussy when our mother doesn’t pay attention to him. What are some of the few good things about this time around? I’ll be at home, so if he pisses me off, I can yell at him to not touch my new computer, I can go in MY room, turn on my stereo/TV/DVD/VCR and be alone, and they’ll only be here for like 4 days/4 nights (arrive late Wednesday afternoon and leave Sunday)! We will be so tired from doing the party and he’ll be so tired from traveling, HOPEFULLY (knocks on wood) he won’t have his PMS mood swings as he is so wont to do. My mother also informed me that I have to take his ex-girlfriend and my nephew to the zoo on one of those days. {sarcasm}Oh joy, oh rapture.{/sarcasm} If all my step-dad’s cousins, nephews, and nieces were coming, I was supposed to take them to Lucky Strike. Why my mother would want to get me kicked out of my favorite place because of those country ass people, I’ll never know. She must secretly hate me. But I’m going to the zoo because my brother’s ex-girlfriend tried to go to some zoo in Florida, and it costs $75 to get in. OMG! The zoo is supposed to be FREE!!! That or for $75, that better be the best damn zoo, EVER!!! Like all their merchandise is free or something, and they feed you, and let you touch the docile animals that won’t rip your arm off. And you get the hot zookeepers phone numbers. I mean, when I went to the zoo 5 years ago with Patrick, we just walked on in and did our thing. You might have to pay if their doing some special event with those lame, dirty ass pandas or something, but the zoo is usually no cost. In fact, my mother HATES zoos because when she was younger, that’s all they could do was go there because it was free (and not segregated).

Other than cleaning the house for our pending guests, the only thing I’ve been doing is haunting the IMDB message boards, listening to music from You Tube, and collecting photos of Jack (natch). I’ve gotten over my addiction to Yahoo Answers because I get so sick of answering the SAME question over and over again. It’s always “Who’s better: New England Quarterback or Peyton Manning?” “Who do you think will win Super Bowl XLII?” “Who is your favorite team/player?” It just gets really old after you’ve answered them 800 times. When I’m on IMDB, I’m mostly talking about Commodore/Admiral James Norrington (♥). On You Tube, I’m usually listening to songs from musicals, such as Skid Row (Downtown) from Little Shop of Horrors and EVERY song from The Music Man (my favorite “old is new” movie). I can’t get enough, I’ve even gone back and revamped my old You Tube playlist. Some songs get deleted because of copyright infringement or something really lame like that. And lovely Jack Davenport has a website, with a similar set up like Ben’s, which I can nick photos from. Some of them are so flipping hot, too. Like the one where he has the cigarette in his mouth with the red background; so very sexy.

One of the bad things about this new computer is that it doesn’t have a Floppy Disc drive, so I can’t even upload all the photos of Ben, but now I don’t even know if I should continue putting up Ben photos or only Jack photos. I feel so confused and guilty. Will this feeling EVER go away?

I’m phasing.