KELLARVISION IS NOW BROADCASTING

 


ENTER THE IRISHMAN

Starring: Dyna Might, Kev Mania, Jon Kellar
Co. Starring: Randy Anderson, Commissioner Angel Profit-Williams

And introducing: Sean O'Gara

~This latest Kellarvision broadcast opens in the offices upstairs at GZW HQ, where Angel Profit-Williams is talking to an unidentified figure~

Profit-Williams: Ok, and if you could just sign here, here and here, we'll be done.

~The figure obeys without hesitation~

Profit-Williams: Right then, that's it. May I be the first to welcome you officially to GZW.

~The man replies with a thick Ulster Irish accent~

???: Glad to be on board m'lady.

CUT TO DOWNSTAIRS

~Jon Kellar is sipping a cup of vending-machine coffee when suddenly he wretches and screams. Dyna looks at him disapprovingly~

Dyna: Do you mind? It can't be that hot...

Kellar: No... I just felt a great disturbance in the force... as if the millions of cells within my body all suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced... I think something terrible has happened.

Dyna: You know, ever since you took that tazer shot you've been acting really strange... well, stranger than usual at least.

Kellar: Well at least I'm over the worst of it...

Dyna: And for that I am eternally grateful... I do not think I could've gone through another week of that...

FLASHBACK TO LAST WEEK

~The world title match has just finish and Kellar is in the locker room, enter Dyna~

Dyna: Hey, you alright?

Kellar: I'm fine thank you SUUUUUUUUUUSAN!!!!

Dyna: What the...?

Kellar: Sorry, that tazer shot is causing me to WIN SELF DETERMINATION FOR THE POTATO PEOPLE!!!!

BACK TO REALITY

Kellar: Apparently there's something about professional wrestlers that causes them to temporarily develop tourettes syndrome if they come into contact with electricity, and there was rather a lot in those tazer needles...

Dyna: Well, as you say you're over the worst of it now...

~Dyna picks up a magazine and starts to read it, both of them sit in silence for a while until~

Kellar: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARGH!!!!

Dyna: ...looks like I spoke too s... ah, hello Sean.

Sean O' Gara: Hello Dyna, hello Ulti.... still having trouble with the whole "hair growing" thing I see...

~Sean has just stepped out of the nearby lift~

Kellar: 1. Don't call me that, and 2. what are you doing here?

Sean: Well Ulti, it seems that Angel Profit-Williams has a number of concerns. She was counting on you bringing back the World Title and when you didn't, she had her scouts look around the independents for any former World Champions.

Kellar: You were World Champion for 2 weeks Sean... which I believe is the shortest reign in UCW history.

Sean: Yeah but my bio doesn't mention that bit of trivia...

Kellar: So you're a GZW superstar now? Good for you... now kindly f*bleep*k off.

Sean: Well inclined as I am to slap you round your big fat bald head for using such language in my presence Miss Profit Williams would not take too kindly to that.

Kellar: So you want to settle this in the ring? Get in line chumpstain, there's a whole lot of people thinking they deserve to share Jon Kellar's screen time.

Sean: Using your real name now I see.

Kellar: Does that offend you?

Sean: I couldn't really give two sh*bleep*ts either way, but the point is that the GZW higher uppers are concerned about the threat from the misfits. They've already lost one GZW title to the HKWF and they're worried that come Sunday they're going to lose another if NeCro has those chronies backing him up. Sooooo... they brought me in.

Kellar: I'm not following...

Sean: They want to reunite the toXic trio...

~Kellar's mouth drops open~

Kellar: Oh hell no.... toXin is dead, let's not tarnish it's legacy by bringing back the "O'Gara" period.

Sean: I did help you win the World Title, I think you owe me one...

Kellar: toXin is not coming back.

Sean: I have this contract from GZW HQ that says otherwise...

~Kellar snatches the contract from Sean's hand and gives it a scan read, before handing it to Dyna~

Kellar: So let me get this straight... they want toXin to be GZW's peacekeeping force?

Sean: Nothing so utilitarian, just a contingency plan for the GZW Extreme Heavyweight Title.

Kellar: I already have that, it's called "The Heretics"...

Sean: ...which if I'm not mistaken currently consists of you, and some old guy who couldn't care less either way.

Kellar: Even with that fact I do NOT need you to help me. I mean it's Zander Frost's kitty obsessed friendless hanger-on with the fact that makes Freddy Krueger look like a f*bleep*king style icon.

Sean: And if Zander Frost should get involved... what then? He beat you pretty bad on Storm.

Kellar: He got involved in a match that didn't concern him, blindsided me, choked me out, left me for dead and I still kicked out when Seth Raide tried to capitalise, that guy can't do anything right.

Dyna: Even so, with Zander running around in his horny psychopathic state I thought this would be a good idea...

Kellar: You knew about this?

Dyna: Yes.

Kellar: And you didn't tell me because?

Dyna: You'd have said no.

Kellar: With good reason...

Sean: Oh come on, I'm not all bad am I?

Dyna: Yes...
Kellar: Yes...

Sean: I stand corrected...

Dyna: ...but the point is with Sean in your corner as well as Kev you can't lose.

Kellar: (sarcastically) I have a contingency plan involving a cocky fool with his head up his arse and a certifiable nutcase... yeah... how can this go wrong?


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Sean: Hang on, which one am I meant to be?

Kellar: Is that really important right now?

Sean: I guess not... where is Kev anyway?

Kellar: He's back at the appartment.

Sean: Alone?

Kellar: Why, you worried?

Sean: If it's the same Kev Mania from UCW then... yeah!

Kellar: He's got a checklist of all likely problems, even he should be able to manage that. What's the worse that could happen?

Sean: Hmmmm....

CUT TO SEAN'S MIND

Kev: Nice Kitty...

~Kev is in the kitchen pinned up against the wall as a large mountain lion slowly paces towards him. He is flicking through the pages on his clipboard, seeing what the checklist says. Eventually he shrugs and throws the clipboard at the lion, who shakes it off and keeps on coming. Kev stands in a wrestling pose~

Kev: BRING IT ON!!!

~The Lion throws itself at Kev who promptly belly-to-belly suplexes it through the kitchen wall.~

BACK TO REALITY

Sean:.... nah, that's not too likely.

Kellar: Huh?

Sean: Kev being able to belly to belly suplex a mountain lion...

~Kellar frowns, then turns to Dyna~

Kellar: Well I don't know about you, but I feel much better knowing I've got HIM in my corner come Sunday...

Dyna: Stop whinging, any help is better than none right, and you've worked with Sean before so it makes perfect sense.

Kellar: I told you, I can deal with Zander. I don't appreciate you bringing HIM in behind my back?

Sean: What's with the emphasis on the "him" all the time, what did I do?

Kellar: Would you like the list?

Dyna: Not now Jon... lets sort this out and go?

Kellar: Sort what out?

Dyna: The interview. The fans have questions?

Kellar: Our fans have always been questionable... fine. Where's Randy?

Dyna: How'd you know it was him?

Kellar: Because the Kellarvision executives find it hilarious whenever I have to put up with him...

Dyna: Well they are paying you for it, and all you've got to do is put up with Randy Anderson...

Sean: Yeah... I mean it's money for old rope.

Kellar: Really? I don't know what you Irish get off on but I'd have thought you'd buy something more useful.

Dyna: Come on... lets get this over with...

TO BE CONTINUED