KELLARVISION IS NOW BROADCASTING


~Two street bums are sitting down an alley, when suddenly they hear a loud grinding sound that geeks around the world universally recognises and a mysterious wind picks up, blowing rubbish everywhere in true Hollywood style. A few seconds later a blue police box inexplicably appears next to them, and the door opens~

Kev: Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee!!!!

~Out steps Jon Kellar, dressed in a suit, with a long coat, a red scarf and a tatty old hat. Dyna follows him out of the police box with her arms folded, shaking her head~

Dyna: Well it's good to see that you're taking the end of the Christopher Eccleston series in a healthy way.

Kellar: Shhhh... keep in character! Kellarvision needs to bring in more viewers so we need to appeal to another demographic.

Dyna: So we're targeting geeks?

Kellar: They're people too!

Dyna: We are going to get into so much trouble for this...

Kellar: Oh come on, what's the worst that could happen?

Dyna: You know just because the Hutton enquiry hit the BBC hard doesn't mean they can't afford to sue us... if this gets broadcast on Kellarvision then...

Kellar: Stop worrying!!! Now... let's stick to the original plan ok...

~Out steps a big breasted bimbo with long blond hair, wearing a bikini. She drapes herself over Kellar~

Bimbo: Oh Doctor! Where have you taken us to now?

???: HOLD EVERYTHING!!!!

~Suddenly six very large black cars pull up, and out of each step several large men wearing glasses and suits, with shiny tie pins and briefcases~

Kellar: What the?

Dyna: Well either we've managed to slip into the matrix... or the BBC's caught on to what we're doing for our latest promotional broadcast...

~One of the lawyers steps forward~

Lawyer: Sir, this promotional broadcast is quite clearly an imitation of the long running television series "Doctor Who" the exclusive rights to which are owned by the British Broadcasting Corporation. We demand that you put an end to this or we will be forced to take legal action...

Kellar: Oh come on... it's one sodding broadcast!

Lawyer: Be that as it may sir, you are still violating copyright by continuing in this manner... I ask you again t...

Kellar: Don't you have better things to do, like sue Zander Frost for ripping off the "idiot-sidekick wrestler gimmick." Kev's been doing that for years and now this "NeCro" guy shows up? The case practically writes itself!!!

Kev (from off screen): AAAAAAARGH IT BURNS!!!

Dyna: I'm not convinced Kev's is a gimmick...

Lawyer: I'm sorry sir but...

Kellar: Look if I give you all 50 will you please fuck off and let me do this broadcast?

~The mention of money sends the other lawyers into a frenzy, but the first lawyer controls his emotions~

Lawyer: Sir, attempting to bribe me will only resu...

~Kellar pushes the bimbo towards the first lawyer~

Kellar: You can take her with you too...

Lawyer: You've got a deal!

~The lawyers get back in their cars and drive off, taking the bimbo with them~

Kellar: I bet Tom Baker never had this problem... roll the title sequence!!!


KELLARVISION PRESENTS

A MATTER OF TIME

by Jon Kellar


Dyna: We are so getting sued...

Kellar: Think positive ok? We're here... now lets get on with it.

Dyna: Ok. So Doctor... where are we, or even better, when are we?

Kellar: Well this looks remarkably like Earth... July 2025, and if I'm reading correctly it seems we've arrived approximately 20 years after the fall of Zander Frost.

Dyna: I cannot believe I'm doing this...

Kellar: Keep in character!!!!

Dyna: That's easy for you to say! Zander hasn't been threatening you the same way he's been threatening me!!!

Kellar: You're not still going on about that are you? Look... nothing is going to happen to you. You... will... be... fine...

Dyna: *sigh*... if you say so.

Kellar: Can we continue?

Dyna: Ok then.

Kellar: According to the timeline Zander Frost was defeated by Jon Kellar, you know, the man who later went on to officially be declared the greatest superstar in the history of professional wrestling, converted to mormonism so that he could marry several supermodels, became a multibillionaire 300x over, managed to...

Dyna: ....

Kellar: ....

Dyna: No way...

Kellar: It's the next line... come on.

Dyna: Ugh! I cannot believe this.

Kellar: I'm waiting...

Dyna: I... wish I could have been with him... that 'Dyna' woman who dumped him was a real... you know what? There is no way I'm saying this... do it yourself!

~Dyna storms off, pushing past Kev on the way~

Kellar: You'll have to admit it some day!!!

Kev: Did I miss something?

Kellar: Dyna's in a mood, nothing new.

Kev: Oh... does that mean I can be the new assistant?

Kellar: Only if you suddenly become an attractive female who looks good in a tank top....

Kev: Well I could...

Kellar: No really Kev, don't try it, I still have nightmares about that costume party. I'll go talk to Dyna...

~Jon Kellar walks off screen leaving Kev standing outside the TARDIS (police box). Kev leans against it and starts whistling when suddenly a Dalek comes up behind him~

Dalek: Where do you want me?

Kev: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

~Kev runs into the police box and locks the door. The Daleks head opens and the operator pops his head out. It is the long suffering job-seeking Paul Sandler~

Paul: Is it something I said?


PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

GI Joe: Remember Kids, be nice to Daleks. Just because Doctor Who mocked one in the most recent series doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Daleks are living cre...

Dalek: EXTERMINATE!!! *laser beam noise*

GI Joe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! *body falling to floor thud noise*

Dalek: Zan-der Frost will be ex-terrrr-minated by Jon Kell-arr. It is the truuuuth.


~Kellar is still looking for Dyna as the public broadcast ends~

Kellar: Not very subtle or un-geeky, but I guess it got the point across. I wond...

???: OPEN SEASON!!!!

~'Angelfire' comes running out from behind some dustbins and hits Kellar in the back. He lays in a few punches to the champions head before Kellar elbows him in the gut, punches him square in the face, then german suplexes him back into the pile of trash in the corner. Kellar dusts his hands off~

Kellar: Now where's Dyna?

Dyna: I'm here!

~Dyna is sitting in a doorway with her arms folded~

Kellar: Dyna what's wrong?

Dyna: I'll tell you what's wrong. In all the years of being your manager none of your opponents has ever threatened me. It was always between you and them, never me! I mean I know I got involved in a few matches down the years but I have never been a target!

Kellar: Dyna, you'll be fine!

Dyna: Can you guarantee that Jon? That I'll be safe...

Kellar: Look, when I'm done with him Zander Frost wont be in any condition to harm a three legged tortoise... let alone you.

Dyna: Perhaps you're right... but I'm not sure. The moment he threatened me this became my problem and, quite frankly, I'm not in a position to deal with it, that's why I've made up my mind.

Kellar: About what?

~Dyna takes a deep breath~

Dyna: I'm not coming to Hong Kong Jon. If I'm in that building I'm at risk, but if I'm over here in the United States then there's no chance of Zander getting to me. If I'm with you I'm a liability, and that's not fair on you.

Kellar: Dyna... you mean you care about...

Dyna: Don't read too much into this bucko... I just don't want to let you down, and there's no way I can be 100% behind you if Zander's too close to me.

Kellar: But Dyna, you're always in my corner! You always have been!!!

Dyna: I know Jon... but I think this is for the best. I'm sorry...

~Dyna gets up and walks away. Kellar shakes his head, then grits his teeth~

Kellar: Mark my words Zander... I will get you for this...

~Kellar walks over to Angelfire and picks him up by the scruff of the neck. He drags him back to the police box, opens the door, throwing the dazed Angelfire inside. He locks the door and walks off screen, getting into a conveniently placed rubbish van (one of the big ones.) He starts the engine and speeds towards the police box, then slams on the breaks and stops just before he hits it full on, so that he only knocks it over onto its side. Kellar gets out and turns back to the camera~

Kellar: ...and when your time comes, I guarantee you... I wont stop. And by the time their done pulling the splinters out of your mutilated corpse, I'll already be extending the same courtesy to our World Heavyweight Champion. Oh yes Taylor... I haven't forgotten about you, and I do hope you'll be watching me lay Dyna's fears to rest... by doing the same to Zander Frost's triple crown dream...

~Kellar walks off camera as the camera zooms in on the police box~

Kev: Angelfire... I hope that's your finger...