SEALED WITH AN X
The Better Man?
Starring: Jon Kellar, Sean O'Gara, Dyna Might, Kev Mania
~We open our broadcast with Kellar sitting in an armchair, the Extreme Heavyweight Title sitting across his lap. Dyna is standing next to him~
Kellar: Shut up...
Dyna: I didn't say anything!
Kellar: I can hear you thinking...
Dyna: All I'm saying is that if you'd had it fireproofed like I told you to...
Kellar: Shut up.
Dyna: I did...
Sean: Much as I hate to interrupt this fascinating conversation...
~Enter Sean, who is surprisingly still able to walk~
Sean: ...I think the existence or lack thereof of Jon's belt is quite low on our priorities list, particularly as technically it's not your belt. After all, you did lose...
Kellar: Yes... however the so called "champion" threw the title back to me after he'd won it, which I and our lawyers believe counts as a volunatary vacating of the title, in which case it automatically goes to the number 1 contender.
Sean: But isn't Zande...
Kellar: Shut up Sean...
Dyna: No Sean's right... if you're holding that title, then the rest of Storm's results point towards a rematch between you and Zander at Glory through Honor which, in case you've forgotten is the same night as your Lord of the Coliseum qualifying match, which means...
Sean: Double duty...
Kellar: Look, for a start the Zander/Kellar rematch is by no means a done deal, GZW head office hasn't figured out the intricate workings of a telephone so they haven't got back to me on whether I genuinely am the champion and whether the belt's repair bill is mine. Secondly, wresting Zander Frost is about as challenging as putting on a hat, and finally, the Lord of the Coliseum's so called "competitors", aside from myself of course, are a bunch of no-hope jokers! Case in point *snap*
CUT TO VYLE
“He’s deathly dull. He's like all the snobby brits on the planet rolled into one. His promos smack of….smarminess. Him and his toxin buddies try to act all revolutionary and bad, but really, they're just a misguided group who rely on randomness to get them through. So Kellar won COC, so what. That was a contest of champions, but this is a…. um coliseum of lords! He isn’t a lord, Lord John Kellar just sounds stupid. If we wanted stupid, then we’d be living in Russia, drinking vodka and dancing like Russians who have drunk vodka, but we’re not, we don't and we never will (respectively) so he can stop flirting with thoughts of being a lord because Russia will never win! Kellar’s just a stupid C word.”
BACK TO REALITY
Sean: What the flying fuck was that all about?
Kellar: Search me, but it almost sounded rude... I mean the whole things about as convincing as Sweeny Todd's defense attorney. According to Vyle I'm not going to win the lord of the Coliseum because it's not being held in Russia... or something. If he's going to persuade anyone above the intelligence level of a grapefruit that he's a genuine contender then little boy redwhiteandblue might want to come up with a slightly more convincing argument. I mean "Lord Jon Kellar" sounds bad? What about Lord Vyle? I mean how retarded does that sound?
FLASH TO ONE OF OUR MANY VIEWERS
Lord Vile: Oh you are so sued....
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: If Vyle wins the lord of the coliseum we'll all be walking around dressed as Captain America by the end of the year, and that is not something the wrestling industry needs. The term "Vile All American" is strangely appropriate though, as his portrayal is pretty spot on... credit where credit's due and all that.
Sean: Does that credit extend to his in-ring ability?
Kellar: Well he's very good at falling off ladders, although technically that was "out of the ring" so... no.
~Enter a tardy Kev~
Kev: Hey, did I miss anything?
Sean: Not a lot, we were just chatting about the all American retard?
Kev: George Bush?
Sean: No, Vyle...
Kev: Oh ok... what about him?
Kellar: This whole "Patriotic" drive he's on, trying to show Americans their flaws and guide them towards the light... at least I think that's what he's doing... it may be that he just likes prancing around wearing stars and stripes.
Kev: Isn't there a term for people like that?
Kellar: Sean, don't. We've got enough legal stuff to worry about without getting letters...
Sean: Freedom of speech unless you mention a minority...
Kev: Americans are a minority?
Sean: Shut up Kev
Kellar: Shut up Kev
Kellar: In any case, Vyle makes no point of trying to disguise that he's talking out his backside... that is, after all, his gimmick, and it's one he does very well. But then, there are some in the rat maze of life that just do not realise how amazingly far away they are from the cheese... *snap*
CUT TO VERNON
"Oh, now there's a good one. He barely edges me out a few months back to win his little trophy, and that pretty much pushed him to main event status. Then, I cleanly defeat him on Crimson, and he throws a tantrum and attacks a referee? If he has to physically intimidate officials to make himself feel better, he's more lost than I thought. Could it possibly be that he knows he's on his fourteenth minute? That the Extreme Division Championship is a dubious honour that anyone with a thick skull and a steel chair could win? That his Kellarvision jive is little more than filler? Jon Kellar may well be the single most overhyped performer on this roster right now. Sure, Fifty First Tables was a classic match, but it's not like Kellar carried it. Jon Kellar has proven time and again that he's only as good as his opponent will let him appear to be."
BACK TO REALITY
~When the camera returns to the original scene Kellar is off camera, then walks back on carrying a large mirror~
Sean: Where did you get that?
Kellar: I have my sources... I thought if we wrapped it up in a pink bow and sent some flowers with it...
Sean: What are you babbling about?
Kellar: Well Vernon Vanderbilt is calling me the most overrated superstar in the company at the moment, so I thought this might provide him with a different, more accurate perspective on that front. Then again I'm debating whether giving an already image obssesed guy like Vanderbilt is a mirror is such a good idea. I mean a mirror this size could cause his head to explode, and then I'd be responsible for getting the stain out of his dress collection. Then again, if I did end up with that responsibility I'd be sure to get it done properly so he'd be familiar with the proper definition of "clean", seems to me he's rather confused on that front... among others which I need not mention again quite frankly.
Dyna: Jon... you lost... whether it was fair or not is irrelevant. The record stands...
Kellar: I'm aware, but if an injustice stands does that make it just? No matter... come the Lord of the Coliseum tournament the score will be settled and the Human Dynamite will be leading this pathetic excuse for an "up and comer" on the score sheets once again, the way it should be. What's more, this idiotic stance he takes concerning the Extreme Title seems somewhat weak when compared to the invisi-belt he seems to have been wearing over his shoulder since the day I met him. If the requirement for the Extreme division is that one must have a hard head and a steel chair, then the requirement for Vandebilt's personal one-man division must be total blindness, excessive amounts of makeup, and that the head be a certain number of centimeters up the backside to prevent possible sightings of the man who's going to get the better of him if they square off. Sean, what is that?
~Sean, who has been off screen for quite some time, now returns with a pint of guiness in his hand~
Sean: It's a chicken....
Sean: Well according to the Kellarvision viewer survey I'm only worth watching if I'm drunk or in intense pain having done a suicide move. Bearing in mind there's nothing around here to jump off it's going to have to be the former...
Dyna: Just don't get it on the couch...
Sean: Dyna, based on what I was hearing when you and slaphead over there were dating if beer's the worst thing that's got on that sofa then it's a miracle...
Kellar: Time for a break before this gets ugly...
Dyna: You're saying I'm ugly??
Kellar: Not this again...
Are you the GZW Television Champion?
Do you have a 6 month undefeated streak?
Is your name Quake?
Then we have some useful advice specifically for you:
Paid for by the toXin department of advertising
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: Well that was imaginative...
Sean: Yes... and subtle in delivery...
Kev: Heh... a toilet!
Sean: Something tells me Dyna's not gonna be speaking to you for a while slaphead...
Kellar: She'll come around... anyway you're hardly her favourite person either...
Sean: I don't live here though...
Kellar: Only when it suits you... the spare room's so full of your personal tat and Guinness cans that we might as well turn it into an Irish Pub and try and make some money off it!
Sean: You know it's not a great idea to mention Irish pubs to an Irishman if you'd like your testicles to remain attached...
Kellar: Any country that takes pride in the fact that their national beer requires a spoon to drink doesn't deserve that kind of consideration... now shut up... a ROH Icon is talking!
Sean: No he's n...
CUT TO NATHAN WILLIAMS
"Jon Kellar. A man that rose to stardom quickly and found fame almost from the start. But what happened to him? One minute he's on top and talks are circling about World Title shots and him being the next big thing, yet now he's stuck in go no where feuds with Zander Frost over a division that died years ago. So where does this leave Kellar? One can only assume it leaves him right where he was before he signed a GZW contract, and that's no where."
"Jon what has happened to you? You come on the scene and win not only the GZW2k1 Extreme Championship but you win the first ever Creation Trophy in a CoC style match up. Now look at you? You might as well be eating garbage from a trash can because that's how far you career has dropped. Tell ya what Jon. Take some time off and collect your thoughts before stepping back into the ring, because at this point in time you're asking to have your career put on permanent hold. Think about it."
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: Who? Him or me?
Sean: Take your pick... but he's the better looking one?
Kellar: Want me to introduce you?
Sean: Grow up...
Kellar: Someday... but right now I have to look at Nathan William's perspective on things. I mean he's saying that my career's fallen from grace lately, and perhaps I should take some of his advice. After all, he would have had a very good view of my exploits, my show stealing matches, my multiple triumphs and my numerous title reigns sitting in front of his tv with his finger up his ass trying to recapture the feeling of his glory days!
Kev: He was quite the wrestler...
Kellar: Oh yeah... his wrestling career too, forgot about that. In any case, this joker, sorry, where did that "er" come from... this JOKE of a man, who's been doing nothing but eating Cheese Toes, scratching his arse with a chopstick, watching tv and burping out poor quality nostalgia speeches in between having his nappy changed now suddenly feels he's going to come out of retirement and move to the front of the queue once again. I mean who does he think he's kidding?
Kev: Well er... hi...
Kellar: Himself doesn't count...
Sean: Well the way I see it he's a grumpy old guy who wants to get the new neighborhood kids off his lawn before they ruin his prize flowers, but he can't rely on others to do it, ergo he feels he has to make a hands on approach.
Kellar: While I question why you came up with the metaphor of an old man putting his hands on kids I can see what you're getting at... so what's the solution genius?
Sean: Well in Ireland we used to rig up a cunning device involving a trip wire and some dog dirt...
Kellar: How... interesting...
Sean: Look the point is that this guy's been out of the game, he's not fresh, he's rusty. Water makes rust worse, so be like a river and he'll see the last remnants of his career get washed away!
Kellar: What is it with all these metaphors today?
Sean: Guinness affects different minds in different ways... kinda like the dark side of the force... but in liquid form.
Kellar: Guinness is only just a liquid but point taken...
Sean: Frankly a rusty old timer giving you his intimate knowledge of the wrestling business when he's been lying on a couch for several months doing nothing and being fed through a straw is on a par with taking sex tips from a Star Trek fan... he's the least of your worries, Vyle aside...
Sean: From what little I've seen of this company the big players in this particular game of chess are Seth Raide, he's holding two world championship belts so he must be doing something right, John Taylor, whose already had your face down on the canvas slapping the mat, Quake, who in addition to the permanent Quake-shake induced streak in his underpants has a winning streak reaching six months, this Amun Fart character who seems to have the power of God on his side.... and finally Vernon Vandebilt, who you've already covered.
Kellar: Yes... good to see you were listening
Sean: Yes I was, but check this out *snap*
CUT TO JOHN TAYLOR
Human Dynamite. Leader of the toXic Trio and capable of intercepting the satellites of a multinational corporation. I'm physically shaking already. To give the little bastard some credit, he has already tapped out to me. He succumbed to the kind of defeat that only the Silencer can provide and made me Champion of Champions. As makeshift an accolade as that was - and still is - it's still just one more notch on a paarticularly long bed post that nobody else in this entire organisation could dream of matching. Of course he'll be looking for some retribution. I mean, since he and I last met, he picked up that little Creation trophy.
I'm sure that felt good, picking up the win and representing a company whose existence he's surely too ignorant to even know of. Off the cuff that man couldn't drop a single name from there that hasn't competed in GZW. Not that he'd even know that. Some champion he turned out to be. So, he went from nothing to winning a Battle Royale and right back to square one. Except this time he's got a fucking army at his beck and call. IM-PRESS-IVE, Kellar. Combine that with those classic, inaccurately rehashed Simpsons and Kenan & Kel jokes and you're really onto something... Or not.
You proved to the world that you're not in my league during the Champion Of Champions match. Don't be stupid enough to do it again.
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: So what? He's living on the past like he always does... he's completely overlooked the fact that he...
Sean: Wait a second... think this through. What does that promo tell you?
Kellar: That he should spend less time watching shows intended for kids despite his mental age being on a par with them?
Sean: Apart from that...
Kellar: He's regurgitating what we've already heard... that I went from nothing to winning the CoC and now I'm nothing again... that they're not impressed by...
Sean: Hold that thought *snap*
CUT TO CHRIS CAIRNS
Cairns: Jon Kellar: the Creation trophy holder, but not for much longer come Spring 2006. What a donkey Kellar has turned out to be; not so much the next big thing as yet another whippet of pointless sludge who has degenerated into a joke along with the rest of his toXin buddies. Such a disappointment, mates. The feud with Frost hit its peak at Heatwave II and yet they insist on dragging it on and on and on. Oh well, that's not really my problem. But the sooner I can get that Creation trophy off of him the better. We'll get Lord of the Coliseum and Aftermath over and done with first and then I'll maybe begin to wheel out some Cairnsy Surprises!
BACK TO REALITY
Sean: And *snap*
CUT TO THE ROOT
While I am on the subject of Englishmen let me personally address Jon Keller with a congratulations. Congratulations on making perhaps the most laziest promo the world has ever seen! Half of it was you spewing your usual garbage while the other half was nothing but other people’s promos edited into yours. I do hope you realize that LOTC is about wrestling and not about who has the best film editing in their promo. In fact it disgraces me that you seemingly do not have the time to cut a proper promo. What is the deal Kellar? You are acting like you are some spoiled little rich valley girl who just got her license and her first car. I would urge you to get your head back in the game but I do not really care. You have never impressed me and I highly doubt that you ever will. So for all intents and purposes keep acting like the valley girl and go cruising with your friends…meanwhile I will do what you will never be able to do and that is winning the Lord of the Coliseum tournament and going on to unparalleled greatness!
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: It's KellAR you dumbshit... don't they have schools in whichever shithole of a country you're from?
Sean: Probably not once America's been there... but lets move on...
CUT TO QUAKE
"From the John who was a Lord to the Jon who has no chance of becoming one! Jon Kellar, the man behind Toxin who are GZW's "premiere" faction....MY FRUITING ARSE! Everyone knows that Toxin couldn't hold a fart up to QVC, I mean you have the GZW Television Champion and Mr America Vyle the man who could hold any title he wanted in GZW, if he didn't keep getting screwed that is. What does Toxin have? A bunch of chumps lead by Kellar a man who has never captured my imagination. A man who has never captured anything from me...."
Quake looks down to the TV title again...
"You know I wondered why you never tried to come after this Jon. I mean the TV title is worth three of your extreme title and I was offering people a direct path to a TV title shot. After you lost your GZW Championship place I thought that as a man with a fast mouth you might try to come for the Quake One but you never did. I think we all know why that is, it has to be the reason that everyone in GZW tries to dodge me, it's because you know that I can't be beaten. How long have I been in GZW now? Six months, five of which I have been Television Champion and still no one has pinned me or made me submit! A record you could only dream of having Kellar, I am the champion you wish you could be, the athelte you could never be and the man that should it arise at Glory Through Honor you CANNOT beat! If your Toxin boys ever feel like proving they are the best faction by the way why don't you try and back up your claims by bringing them face to face to me and Vyle and you see where we stick your claims sunshine."
BACK TO REALITY
Sean: Getting it now?
Kellar: Oh yes...
Sean: One last clip...
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: I told Dyna that spring break video would come back to haunt her...
Sean: Well that was supposed to be Seth Raide's latest ramblings but apparently not... and someone in the production department will be going home with a pink slip tonight. Anyway, you see what I'm getting at...
Kellar: Yep, in their eyes I'm still the newbie...
Sean: Exactly... they think it's your duty to prove it to them you can get this done and win the Lordship of the Coliseum for a year... and the World Heavyweight Title, but what they overlook is the fact that at the end of the day, what they think of you means diddly squat. You think Bulk Bogan got to the top because people liked him? Ok bad example.. but you see my point?
Sean: The fact of the matter is the last time these guys underestimated you because you were a newbie you ended up being the last man standing at the Contest of Champions, and now here they are making the same mistake, and STILL living with this delusional idea that YOU have to prove something to them. You don't owe these jackoffs squat! Whether they be Lord of last year, a makeup induced accident, captain of a pointless division that no one gives a flying fuck about, the star spangled twanger, the ROH has been, some turban wearing hole dweller, or the World Champion himself, at the end of the day, if they're lying on their backs in the ring and you're not, whose gonna give a flying fuck what they think?
Kellar: No one that matters...
Sean: And what's more, you're facing the possibility of going up against Seth Raide, who has problems of his own... you came within a gnats wing of beating him when you guys went head to head, so what better time to bring home the gold? He's off balance, now is the time to strike!!!!
Kellar: Sean, why are you so passionate about this?
Sean: You're going up against Quake, whose so obsessed with being the king of the Television division that he can't keep both eyes on this tournament... John Taylor, the man with everything to lose and his last shot at the big time slowly fading... Chris Cairns who, let's face it, isn't going to tax someone with your technical ability.... Vernon Vanderbilt, who you've already gotten the better of in this kind of situation and is still reeling from that foreign tournament he's spent the past couple of months prancing around in.... Nathan Williams, the grumpy old man so stubborn and set in his ways he can't see that his star has faded... Vyle, the All American tart... and as for the likes of Root, Necron, Seven and this Eddie Fever cretin... do you honestly think they're gonna get the better of you? I think the question you should be asking is not why I am passionate... but why you aren't!!! Your career's hit a bit of a slip, I'll admit that and deep down you know it... but think about it... what better way than the right to call yourself "Lord Jon Kellar" for a year... that way nobody in this company can say your name without acknowledging and better yet... knowing no amount of star spangled nonsense, flashy makeup, Qu'ran verses, nostalgic visions, cockney rebellion or black magic will EVER change it... accepting that on that night... when the chips were down and all hope seemed lost, and against seemingly impossible odds with a horrendous and seemingly endless losing streak...
~Sean stares straight into Kellar's eyes~
Sean: Jon Kellar was the better man...
~The camera fades... leaving Kellar deep in thought and Sean staring into his eyes with a fiery stare~