KELLARVISION IS NOW BROADCASTING


Rumours...

Starring: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar, Kev Mania, Dyna Might
Co starring: Vyle, Randy Anderson, Kevin Nash and Kirsten Dunst

 


ACTION REPLAY

Samson: Just grab the freakin' trophy, Vanderbilt! YOU'VE WON THIS!!

[Vanderbilt stands on the third top rung of the ladder and looks around at the fans as Clancy Beauregarde continues to keep a hold of Jon Kellar's ankles. Kellar still tries to struggle and squirm out of Clancy's grasp as Vernon looks down on the scene. The crowd holds their breath as Vanderbilt launches himself off the ladder with a graceful frogsplash. He MISSES!!! Kellar struggled free from Beauregarde's grasp and rolled out of the way at the very last second! Clancy looks on helplessly from outside the cage as Jon Kellar quickly gets to his feet, waiting behind Vanderbilt as he struggles to his feet also. Vernon turns, walks straight into Kellar's JUSTIFIED!!!]

Nelson: WHAT A SHOCKING REVERSAL IN FORTUNES!!

Samson: Now it looks like KELLAR is poised for victory!

Nelson: The showman in Vernon Vanderbilt may have lost him this match! He should've grabbed the trophy when he had the chance!

Crumb: And the momentum has swung!!

[Kellar sucks up all the air he can before staggering to his feet. He checks that Vanderbilt is still down before heading for the ladder and beginning to climb, the fans going berserk with both cheers and jeers. Kellar climbs quickly and looks exhausted as he reaches the top. He grabs at the Creation Trophy.....]

[DING! DING! DING!]

Nelson: KELLAR'S WON IT! WE HAVE A CREATION CHAMPION! WE HAVE OUR SEVENTH WINNER OF THE CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS! JON KELLAR WILL GO ON TO FACE THE GZW2K1 WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION AT THE FIRST BROADCAST SHOW FOLLOWING HEATWAVE II!!

Samson: Amazing! And what a turning point it was when Vanderbilt missed that frogsplash! And what about all the other surprises? Cairns may be an idiot, but he didn't half shock us all with the introduction of the ladder and cage!

[The steel cage rises back towards the rafters as Vernon Vanderbilt rolls out of the ring to be greeted by a disappointed Clancy Beauregarde. Clancy wraps an arm around the young man and guides him up the entrance ramp as Jon Kellar climbs down from the ladder, clutching the massive Creation Trophy.]

 


~As the opening credits finish on this latest presentation for Kellarvision, we see the Extreme Heavyweight Champion sitting on a sofa in the den back at the mansion, resting up after a gym session with a cherry flavoured relaxation drink and a large band aid across his forehead. He is reading a magazine when Kev walks in~

Kellar: Hello Kev...

Kev: There's someone at the door for you Jon.

Kellar: Unleash the hounds...

Kev: We don't have them anymore...

Kellar: What?

Dyna: Yeah we had to get rid of them as part of an out of court settlement... something about a girl guide getting ripped to shreds.

Kellar: Why  wasn't I informed?

Dyna: If I told you about every out-of-court settlement I was forced to make then you wouldn't actually DO any wrestling.

Kellar: Fine... who is it?

Kev: It's... erm... Randy Anderson...

Kellar: WHO?

Dyna: Randy Anderson... you know, the guy you beat up?

Kellar: After this past Sunday that narrows it down to just about everyone on the GZW payroll...

Dyna: "The Unprofessional"? Alcoholic?

~Nothing but a blank stare from Kellar~

Dyna: The interviewer?

Kellar: WHAT?? The press are here already??? Dammit... I'm... I'm not ready... I need to boil some acid... load my shotgun... poison tip my darts...

Dyna: Not that you're overreacting or anything...

Kellar: No such thing when it comes to parasites such as those that the GZW media department hires. Why do you think I set up Kellarvision? For my own ego? That was only a significant part of it! I did it, because quite frankly GZW media didn't deserve to have Jon Kellar on it's screens, so now everyone can be kept up to date on the events of Jon Kellar's life through the work of dedicated professionals and completely unbiased media!!! *snap*


RECORDED MESSAGE

Vyle: And who wouldn't want that?


Kellar: *snap* So believe it or not I'm not too happy to allow the cretins from GZW media to come in here and lower the tone of my product.

Dyna: We've just shown Vyle on screen... can it get any lower?

Kellar: ...

Dyna: ...

Kellar: Ok you make a point, but that's no excuse to keep the tone at that level... which will inevitably happen if we let that cretin on the show.


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~Kellar frowns, then looks at Dyna~

Dyna: Well it's got to be paid for somehow!!! Advertising's the easiest way...

Kellar: Right... well bearing in mind the tone of the show cannot possibly get any lower after the appearance of that cretin I suppose you can let the other cretin in... but if he starts up with his usual rowdy crap then agreement or no agreement nasty things will happen to him and I will not be held responsible.

Dyna: I'll be sure to let him know...

~Dyna leaves~

Kellar: Great, the smelliest most repulsive man in GZW and he's on my programming... fantastic...

~Re-enter Dyna with Randy Anderson in tow~

Anderson: WOOO! JON KELLAR!!!! GZW EXTREME HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!! WINNER OF THE CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS VII!!! THIS CALLS FOR SOME BEER!!!

Kellar: Kev, would you be so kind as to go and fetch the largest knife you can from the kitchen....

Kev: Thought you'd never ask...

Dyna: JON!!! He's only just walked in the door, give him a chance!

Kellar: I did, and he walked in the door. I'm not a man to make mistakes twice!!!

Anderson: Awww come on son! I just want to ask a few questions!!! It is me job after all!!!

Kellar: I wasn't aware people like you had a job. I thought you just existed for the sake of existing without any actual purpose in life other than to irritate me  to death...

~Anderson grins~

Kellar: very well, ask your questions if it'll help get rid of you.

Anderson: Right then! *clears throat* First of all, Jon Kellar, how are you feeling after your emphatic victory in the Contest of Champions?

Kellar: How do you think I'm feeling? I'm ecstatic, with a side order of headache thanks to John Taylor. I mean that guy just cannot let anyone else have their moment can he? There I am about to make my acceptance speech, and the Lord of the Manor blasts me in the back of my head with my own bloody steel chair! Incidentally Taylor if you're watching, I want that chair back, they're not cheap!!!

Anderson: So, are you focussed on beating Taylor and getting your revenge...

Kellar: Of course not... not right now at least, there's more pressing things to be looked at. Don't worry my simple minded stinking festering pig-mutant, John Taylor will get his comeuppance should we square off in that ring on the first Crimson after Heatwave II, but lest we forget, whilst I am guaranteed to be in that match in a few weeks, John Taylor is not. So why should I focus on a man I may not even end up facing? Quite simply, I shouldn't! Jon Kellar only deals in guarantees. I guaranteed everyone watching around the world that I would be the one left standing at the end of the Contest of Champions and the first ever winner of the Chris Cairns Creation Trophy... and I won. So now I move on to my next guarantee, involving Zander Frost, the Extreme Heavyweight Title, and a three count in my favour. Just like that... *snap*


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Kellar: *snap* I really gotta be more careful about doing that...

Anderson: So, back to Zander Frost...

Kellar: Zander Frost is a man living off the aura generated by a personality which appears so many times in this business that you wonder why it has any aura left at all, and what makes him different from all the other fakes who have developed these methods of self promotion. The "I'm tough, and I've got the scars to prove it" may cut the mustard in whatever hellhole he crawled out of, but it doesn't impress me that the guy ripped a significant part of his ear off in a match to defend a title he was so proud of. Last time I checked the match stipulation didn't read "whoever has the most scars wins"... no no... it's a GZW Extreme Title match which means it will be competed in the environment it always is... a three count or submission victory anywhere in the building following a no holds barred contest. Wounds he may have picked up in some match on the other side of the world don't intimidate me!!! Market anything right and it'll seem "cool", but that doesn't mean it is!

~At this point the Cameraman's phone goes of and... yep, you've guessed it... it's the Crazy Frog ringtone~

Kellar: AAARGH!!!

~Kellar charges at the cameraman and we go to static, followed by this~


TECNHICAL PROBLEMS

We apologise for the inconvenience this may have caused, in the meantime here is a photograph of Kirsten Dunst with her legs open~


~We (unfortunately?) return to the scene a few minutes later. Kev is dragging something behind the sofa, and a pair of legs are just about visible sticking out the end~

Kev: SHIT!!!

Kellar: What?

Kev: His nose just fell off...

Kellar: Glue it back on and send him to Zander Frost's apartment. Maybe he'll appreciate the company of someone with similar disabilities to his own... one severely damaged sensory organ and a brain that's been turned into mush by too many blows to the head.

~Kev drags the Kellarvision cameraman out the door~

Kellar: The resurrection of the GZW tag division is upon us, Zander Frost and Cameraman!!!! The new dominant force in the tag team division!!! What do you think Anderson?

Anderson: Well I....

Kellar: Ah who cares what you think? What did you do to deserve to give Jon Kellar your opinion? Let me answer that for you... nothing... so shut up and listen. I know all about the Triple Crown of Thorns and how much it means to Zander Frost, that's why he put his body on the line in all those matches, so that he could be declared the king of hardcore or whatever other pornstar name he chooses to give the position, but on route to that dream he hits a problem. In order to achieve that final goal he has to go through the Human Dynamite... and has the audacity to question my capability as a champion. Apparently by his standards in order to be a true champion in an extreme environment you have to have various parts of your body shredded off, which might explain that slight squeak in his voice, and feel at home in some dark and gloomy place making fun of Weston Bentley. According to Zander Frost,  the Human Dynamite, who ended a man's career in a match that he lost... get that... ended a career in a losing match... is not worthy of being the Extreme champion. According to Zander Frost, the man who cleared a path through the entire GZW roster on his way to winning the Contest of Champions with pints of blood spilling from his forehead is not worthy of the Extreme Heavyweight Title. But a man with half an ear and a belt from some forgotten federation that only makes any impact when it "invades" GZW programming who made his name wrestling in some backyard-style garbage matches and doesn't take "no" for an answer is the right man to carry the gold? COME ON!!!

Anderson: What was that last thing? Taking no for an answer...

~Dyna quickly steps in~

Dyna: Nothing you'd need worry about, you keep your mind on the wrestling.

Anderson: But I...

Kellar: What's the matter? You got trouble taking no for an answer too? Are you related to Frost?

Anderson: Frost? Taking no for an... you mean the rumours were...

Dyna: Like I said, it's not something YOU need to concern yourself with.

Kellar: I think this interview's over Anderson... get your stinking face off of my programming.

Anderson: But...

Kellar: No buts... get out!

~Anderson jumps back, then makes his way out the door~

Kellar: And Frost, if you're watching... you know full well what happened... and believe me I haven't forgotten. You tell me I'm unworthy of being champion... well after I get through with you at Heatwave II... you'll be INCAPABLE of being champion.