KELLARVISION IS NOW BROADCASTING

SEALED WITH AN X


You think you know someone...

Starring: Jon Kellar, Sean O'Gara, Dyna Might, Kev Mania


~Kellar is slumped in front of the TV, watching Vernon Vandebilt's latest garbage spewings. The segment ends and Kellar burps up some coca cola induced gas, before blinking a couple of times and switching off the tv~

Kellar: I turn on GZW tv hoping to see some wrestling... and what do I get? A psychological thriller staring Seth Raide, a superhero adventure with Eddie Fever, and a girly soap opera where Vernon Vandebilt is about to confess his love for Clancy... I mean do people actually watch this stuff?

~Kellar suddenly has a thought~

Kellar: Willingly... why has that stupid Irish mick got me doing this anyway, what the hell am I supposed to see that I haven't seen before? Vernon still looks like an extra from the Rocky Horror Picture show, Eddie Fever's blabbering about all this hero nonsense, and Seth Raide's still as confused as he was the day I signed my contract... there's nothing new here....

~Kellar looks down at the empty coke can in his hand~

Kellar: And this f**king drinking ban he's got me on is killing me! He's supposed to be my stable mate, not my mother...

~We cut, very briefly, to an image of Sean in an old fashioned dress~

Kellar: Now I know alcohol's supposed to be bad for me in the long run, but I will say that when I was drinking I wasn't getting images like that, and I'm pretty certain that thinking that way's an indication of health.

~Kellar lies back in the seat, shits around and fidgets until he gets comfortable, then realises he isn't comfortable, and continues, until eventually~

Kellar: SEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE, BUT I'M HAVING A DRINK AND YOU AINT STOPPING ME!!!

~Kellar makes his way over to the living room bar and goes behind. He reaches under the bar and touches the handle of the drinks fridge~

Sean: I wouldn't do that if I were you...

~Kellar jumps up at hearing Sean's voice, but sees no one else in the room~

Kellar: Sean?

~No answer, Kellar goes back to the fridge~

Sean: You have been warned Jon, consider this your second strike...

~Kellar jumps up again, and looks around. Still nothing~

Kellar: Sean this really isn't funny... I'm starting to know how Seth Raide feels and that is NOT good for my mental state... where are you?

~Again, no answer~

Kellar: F**k you then

~He touches the fridge again~

Sean: I'm sorry I have to do this to you Jon...

~Suddenly thick steel doors descend in all the exits to the room, and another steel shutter comes down over all the dink storage areas~

Kellar: What the...?

Sean: I made a promise to you Jon, that I would help you to ensure you were the better man come the Lord of the Colisseum, but I can't help you if you won't help yourself. I had this installed while you slept...

Kellar: You found builders in this country to do a job like this THAT quickly? How much did that set you back...

Sean: Your continued disobedience has left me with no choice. This room will remain sealed for the duration of your punishment...

Kellar: Sean... this is exactly why I wasn't pleased to see you when you signed the GZW contract. This bullshit was old in GZW, now it's so old no one gives a fuck.. stop what you're doing...

Sean: Please try to relax... this will be over soon...

Kellar: Sean... what are you d...

Sean: Increasing volume... beginning playback...

~Sean's voice fades for a second, and there is silence, then suddenly a big brass band begins playing over the sound system, at a very high volume~

Kellar: That had better not be what I th....

Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, 
Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri; 
Ei gwrol ryfelwyr, gwladgarwyr tra md, T
Tros ryddid gollasant eu gwaed.  

Gwlad, Gwlad, pleidiol wyf i'm gwlad. 
Tra mr yn fur i'r bur hoff bau, 
O bydded i'r hen iaith barhau. s.
Hen Gymru fynyddig, paradwys y bardd, 
Pob dyffryn, pob clogwyn i'm golwg sydd hardd; 
Trwy deimlad gwladgarol, mor swynol yw si 
Ei nentydd, afonydd i mi. 
Os treisiodd y gelyn fy ngwald tan ei droed, 
Mae hen iaith y Cymry mor fyw ac erioed, 
Ni luddiwyd yr awen gan erchyll law brad, 
Na thelyn berseiniol fy ngwlad. 

CUT TO SEAN

~Sean is sitting in another room, his ears prick up as he hears the sound of the inane gibberish, and Kellar's screams of anguish~

Sean: My warning system works then... best go see him...

~He makes his way down the mansion's corridor slowly, and reaches one of the steel doors just as the 3rd playback finishes. He presses a button on the wall and the music stops, he then opens the door~

Kellar: You..... ba...

Sean: Top of the mornin' to yee, it be a fine day be it not?

Kellar I... am... going... to...

Sean: Kill me? Is that the thanks I get?

Kellar: My punishment... for wanting a small... glass of vodka and orange... was having to listen to the Welsh National Anthem...

Sean: Yes...

Kellar: Three times?

Sean: Yes..

Kellar: At 100% volume?????

Sean: Well actually compared to what to your used to it's 200%, I had the stereo system replaced and new speakers put in...

Kellar: In one night?

Sean: Actually it's been a couple of days, you were unconcious?

Kellar: You DRUGGED me????

Sean: Don't be so absurd...

Kellar: Thank god for that...

Sean: Why would I spend money on drugs when it's cheaper to get Kev to hit you with a mallet when you're not looking?

Kellar: KEV'S IN ON THIS???!!!

Sean: No... but he's easily impressionable, and he was drunk at the time.

Kellar: But wh...

Sean: Why? Well it's very simple... you may not want to accept it Jon but a lot of your "friends" at GZW were right about you. Your attitude to life really is too lax... how is toXin supposed to spread if the only threats we make are through poorly edited videos controlled by finger snaps?

Kellar: It worked well for the CoC...

Sean: Physician, heal thyself...

Kellar: What?

Sean: You're accusing the likes of John Taylor and Nathan Williams of  living on past glories... but you're still firmly in the mindset that what worked 4 months ago is going to work come the qualifiers... don't you think it's time you grew up?

Kellar: I am going to beat you to a BLOODY PULP!!!

~Kellar runs at Sean, who promptly lowers a strong yet see through door~

Sean: Jon... you may not realize it now but I'm doing what's best for you. You've been too concerned about perfecting your own image to see the flaws in others...

Kellar: When I get hold of you?

Sean: Don't make me Welsh you again...

Kellar: What does it matter, when Dyna gets back she'll...

Sean: Dyna's upstairs Jon, she knows exactly what's going on...

Kellar: Then why....

Sean: I told you not to upset her the other day... I told you there'd be hell to pay...

Kellar: Me? It was you who...

Sean: Let's not get hung up on the details shall we? The fact of the matter is this. In wrestling terms I am old... my main event days are behind me. I don't regret that, and I am glad that GZW have brought be back into the mainstream, but where I am now is probably where I will stay. World Title shots and long term reigns are behind me. Sure I'm still an entertaining little mfer as my little stunt a couple of weeks ago on Crimson will testify to... but the fact of the matter is that I am not going anywhere. I go out there, I entertain the fans, I walk out... there's no ladder climbing or anything like that. My body can't take the punishment it used to... and I'm not the Sean O'Gara I was in AWF and UCW...

Kellar: Get to the point...

Sean: I am... now lets look at Kev. He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic but you'd be hard pushed to find someone who'll question his in ring ability, but he doesn't have that "X-factor" about him. Don't get me wrong there'll always be room in any federation for guys like him. They get on with their job quietly, they do it well, and the crowd are more than grateful for it, they even cheer him along, or boo him dependant on their inclination... but he's not the reason they came to see the show. Back in the days that reason was me... but like I said... those days are gone.

Kellar: Where is this going?

Sean: My point is Jon, that you've been earmarked as something special, something extra. Amidst all the chaff that comes out of the training academy and off the scouting circuits you ware the one people are picking for bigger and brighter things. Hell, each and every one of your opponents admits that much, that people are looking to you as a great future prospect, a future leader for the company. Whether you want that responsibility or not is irrelevant, it's the way you're going, and I aint gonna see you throw it all away. I've been to the top, and I've done it all, now it's your turn.

Kellar: What the hell does that have to do with... with...

~Kellar punches the see through door~

Kellar: THIS???!!

Sean: Jon, if I'd tried to get through to you any other way then it wouldn't have worked. Now I have a way to guarantee that you win the Lord of the Coliseum... and I can teach you how to be a true champion, just as I was taught.

Kellar: Newsflash Sean, I'm still the Extreme Heavyweight Champion, and thanks to the toXic troops I have total control over that division...

Sean: And is that how you want your career to stay? In control of a division with a belt that was burnt to cinders not a week ago... there is a better way, and if you'll let me, I'll show you it.

Kellar: You're going to be my trainer?

Sean: In a sense... I can't teach you the physical side of things, but I can teach you the mental side.

Kellar: What about the drinking ban, you've never gone a day in your life without guinness. Your mother had surgery to ensure that!!! Breast feeding? More like breast binging!!!

Sean: Do as I say, not as I do...

Kellar: Fine example...

Sean: And don't argue with the guy whose got the remote for the stereo in his back pocket...

Kellar: What?

Sean: I'll leave you to think about it.

~Sean presses the button on the wall again, and the steel door drops. He presses a button the remote~

Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, 

Kellar: I'LL DO IT ALRIGHT, I'LL DO IT!!!

~Sean turns off the stereo and opens the door. Kellar stumbles out~

Kellar: You can be a right bastard when you want to...

Sean: Wouldn't be much use to myself if I couldn't be what I wanted to be now would I? Now I've got something to show you...

~The camera follows them down the corridor to the room Sean was seen in earlier. Sean reaches over to the wall~

Sean: Brace yourself...

~Sean turns on the lights. The walls are plastered with diagrams, wrestler's photographs, paper arrows, documents, predictions, media reports and transcripts, posters, fan opinion polls... the lot~

Sean: What do you think?

Kellar: I think you need a new hobby...

Sean: Mock it all you want... but there's method in my madness.

~Kellar spots something on one of the walls~

Kellar: Hang on a tick...

~Kellar walks over to it and looks at it in greater detail, he goes to pull a note off the wall~

Sean: Don't touch anything...

Kellar: This is all about the match we had in UCW... the one for the Internet title... the one where you... you...

Sean: I beat you... you can admit it.

Kellar: This is a document of my entire career up to that point, every match play by play... every move I hit... every fan's reaction... it's here! 

Sean: How do you think I knew how to beat you? You were new then... favoring your stronger right side... it's what most new people do, favour their stronger side. Therefore I knew if I could stay to your left as much as possible I'd have you at a disadvantage, even if we were confined to the mat. If you're favoring your right side, then your centre of gravity is always slightly "off"... that's how I flipped you into the small package for the finish.

Kellar: Sean... nobody knew who I was... I entered that stupid invitational challenge thing you had going on. I wasn't Jon Kellar, I wasn't even Ultimatum, I think I was wrestling under...

Sean: The Brit-Brawl Kid, I remember, it's all there...

Kellar: Why go to all this trouble, statistically speaking the odds of me winning were miniscule...

Sean: Miniscule, but not impossible, and "statistically" your odds of winning the Lord of the Coliseum are a lot greater correct?

Kellar: Yes...

Sean: But you must also accept that there is a possibility you will not qualify, or indeed that you will qualify and then be knocked out in the first round... or the second... or whatever...

Kellar: You're making me feel so much better...

Sean: let me show you something...

~Sean pulls out a chart~

Kellar: What's this?

Sean: Now obviously if you qualify for the tournament you'll be one of 6 men, and then you factor in Seth Raide's automatic bye and that makes 7. Now the laws of mathematics say that you cannot have a 7 man tournament so some one else is going to have to drop in at the last minute, possibly a wildcard from the first round, but I think a lot will depend on what happens at Glory Through Honour between Monarch and Raide. We'll look at that match later but right now this is basically just a summary with very little research behind it... observe:

Sean: Now assuming you qualify, you'll be entered into the 8 man structure, in which there are only two possible outcomes, either you win, or you lose. For the sake of argument the odds in the matches are 50/50, win or lose

Kellar: We'll be getting tired though...

Sean: Well spotted, you're learning quickly...

Kellar: So my odds of winning are 12.5%? That can't be right...

Sean: Statistically and mathematically the probability of you taking the path all the way to the final is 12.5%... because if I completed that probability tree and followed all the branches for the losses it would all add up... but those branches are no help to you, this isn't a league. Those are there for calculatory purposes only, so out of 8 possible outcomes of 3 matches the only one that involves you winning all 3, the one you need, is that one on the left... 1/8 Jon.... 12 and a half percent... like those odds do you?

Kellar: No...

Sean: Didn't think so.

Kellar: But they'll be getting tired, everyone has to wrestle a first match, not just me. Fatigue should count against them...

Sean: And you... but you're right in one respect, the odds wont be 50/50. Everyone's going to suffer fatigue but if Vyle goes up against Seven and gets flattened in 2 mins, while you go up against John Taylor and pull some extraordinary mat wrestling out of your arse for 20 odd mins, then the fatigue isn't going to be equal weighted is it? Plus, we have no idea who the eighth man will be, because GZW has been less than forthcoming with that information.

Kellar: Other than making you look like a smartarse does this have a point?

Sean: Jon, I've been around a lot in this business, and do you want to know what the most important thing to learn is?

Kellar: Do tell...

Sean: The most important thing to learn, and more importantly remember, is that every match you ever face can be won before you even step in the ring, provided that you do the right preparation.

Kellar: ....

Sean: Take this guy here... Eddie Fever.... why do you think he's so obsessed with being your "personal hero" despite the fact he's only just walked in the door? Or Quake, why has he suddenly taken a bigger interest in you and started stealing your idea of showing amusing clips? Why is Vernon suddenly so anxious to set "things" right with Clancy, and better yet, what are these "things?"

Kellar: I don't know...

Sean: Me neither...

~Sean walks over to one of the walls, and sticks a photo of Vernon Vanderbilt on it~

Sean: So why don't we find out?