REALITY CHECK STUDIOS PRESENTS:
CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS
Starring: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar, Kev Mania, Dyna Might
Co. Starring: Several AWF, UCW, UWA and GZW superstars
PART 5 - I couldn't have said it better myself, well, actually I could.
~The time has come for the talking to end and the action to begin. The GZW superstars are less than a day away from flying out to Atlanta for the contest of champions, but there can be no time to sit back and reflect upon this for the GZW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, who has just caught the most recent broadcast on GZW whilst packing his things~
TV: First and foremost let me holla at my cracka named Jon Kellar. What da fucka bitch? Are ya hardcore or da motherfuckin Young Ones? For fucks sakes…one fuckin minute ya all like…”fuck you bitch, let’s fight! I'm extreme!” Da next minute ya all…”huh-huh I am a gay ass muthafuckin cracka with limited material tryin to rip off dem gods QVC!” Pick one Whitey Ford! It aint hard! Bad News has been real from day one son! True and stereotypical! I eat chicken, chow down watermelon, and fuck white bitches in dere black hole! It’s simple honkey. Pick a fuckin routine and stick with dat shit son! Fuck you in your ear at Contest of Champions bitch!
~Kellar raises an eyebrow~
Kellar: This guy's in the contest of champions? Maybe he should dedicate his efforts to finding a cure for his tourettes syndrome or whatever mental disorder he's suffering from before looking to help others. Jeez... with the amount of flying us superstars do has he heard nothing of the wisdom written upon the safety card? Charity starts at home after all...
~Kellar folds his sleeveless leather jacket and puts it in the suitcase on the bed in front of him~
Kellar: Alternatively of course, he could just learn to speak English...
~Kellar turns his head and sees the camera watching him, he jumps back for a second, then smiles~
Kellar: Right, the final promotion package before the Contest of Champions! Well I'm guessing you got all that?
~The camera "nods"~
Kellar: Good, because I do hate to repeat myself... except where exposing the inherent flaws in each of my Contest of Champions opponents is concerned. I mean I could never get bored with that! Though seeing as I'm guessing he's watching I guess I will have to admit failure at the hands of "Bad News" Williams, I have indeed failed...
~Kellar looks down and shakes his head~
Kellar: I mean no matter how hard I try I just cannot understand a word that he's saying!!! Maybe it's down to me not being "hip with what's on da street in deez times"... or maybe it's just because my first language is English. I mean what is it about the second name Williams and verbal diarrhoea... but then I'm guessing "Bad News" and Williams are related in any way, what with the latter being able to construct a coherent sentence before talking total grade A bullshit... I mean I like to think I'm pretty damn good at multitasking whatever Dyna might say... but such is the incoherency of this bizarre individual that there's no way I can do anything else with my brain attempting to interpret whatever the hell this guy might be saying. I mean I might as well try and make sense of this...
~Kellar snaps his fingers~
We in the club doing the same old two
Gorilla Unit 'cause, they say we bugged out
'Cause we don't go no where without toast,
~Kellar snaps his fingers again and the camera goes back to it's original view~
Kellar: Now... greater minds than I have tried to decipher that mumbo jumbo but have had no luck, and frankly this "Bad News "character is no different. I mean did I miss the point in history where it made you look tough to say "fuck" in every sentence? Same question concerning walking around a cage snorting at everything like a chimpanzee with a cold? I suppose that's an appropriate metaphor to use, since from what I did manage to gather from that never ending flow of tourettes induced nonsense, Mr "Bad News" seems to be little more than QVC's trained monkey, doing their bidding so that they may arise supreme at the end of the contest of champions. However, while I myself have failed to understand what "Mr Bad News" is saying, I have friends in many fields... and they have very thoughtfully come up with this...
~Kellar snaps his fingers~
CUT TO THE KELLAR-MEDIA TRANSLATED VERSION OF THE PROMO, INTERSPERSED WITH KELLAR'S LIVE COMMENTARY FROM A SMALL WINDOW IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN
Bad News: QVC IS THE FUTURE!!!
Kellar: If I had a penny for every time I'd heard that this week I wouldn't need to wrestle one more night for the rest of my life. I'd be a Zillionaire... *snap*
Bad News: Seven's hair and skin colour hurts my eyes and his voice hurts my ears. I don't like him!
Kellar: Um... ok... physical appearance seems to matter to "Bad News" Williams... must also have the voice of a nightingale *snap*
Bad News: Monarch is impotent, I don't like him
Kellar: Well, read into that what you will... why would Monarch's sexual competency worry "Bad News" Williams I wonder? *snap*
Bad News: The Root lives in the sand... I don't like him!
Kellar: Aha, I see a pattern emerging. He only likes people who live in nice places... I sense a need for commitment... *snap*
Bad News: I enjoy bondage games, but Seth Raide makes too much noise. I don't like him.
Kellar: I... don't think we need dwell on this point. *snap*
Bad News: Jimmy Williams' penis is too small, his nose is too large and he smells... I don't like him.
Kellar: Er... how shallow. *snap*
Bad News: Phil Tytan is bald... I dont like him.
Kellar: Well, I guess that covers me too... but there's more to come on that subject later. Let's continue... *snap*
Bad News: Michael Lord is not welcome... I don't like him!
Kellar: Ah, so he doesn't like outcasts. I suppose that's fair enough, I mean who wants to be left on the outside in this day and age? Well... I guess that leaves... *snap*
Bad News: Jon Kellar is gay, or extreme, dependant on what day of the week it is. He should pick one and stop confusing me. I don't like him.
Kellar: That's not the reason... it's cos I'm bald... ISN'T IT??? *snap*
BACK TO REALITY
~Kellar is laughing~
Kellar: No wonder you're in a cage Williams... your failure to find that which you so desperately seek, that which should be obvious to neutral viewers after that last little video package, has turned you into an animal! Geez... I mean I'd heard rumours that sexual frustration can do nasty things to you but Jesus man you gotta try and keep it under control. I mean I would feel sorry for you, but I'm worried if I start displaying a third personality trait your head might explode. Yuh dig?
~Kellar makes some stupid symbol or other with his hands~
Kellar: See, I'm learning! Seriously though... lets talk about you and me for a second. First of all, you need to understand that just because whatever almost-human species you are haven't evolved to the point where they can feel and express more than one emotion, or speak English, or realise that following QVC is a rather silly thing to do, doesn't mean that others haven't. Whether I choose to be laid back, or choose to be more "extreme" as you put it, depends entirely on the situation, but make no mistake, regardless of the outside, inside Jon Kellar is always the same guy, always the Human Dynamite, ready to explode in that ring and take down anyone that stands in his way, yourself included. Appearances... after all, can be deceiving. I would be happy to go into greater detail on the many different human emotions and how they may be expressed... but I wouldn't want to tax your poor little brain so close to the big day. After all... I do want some challenge...
~Enter Dyna. Kellar snaps his fingers and the Imperial March starts playing in the background~
Dyna: Very funny...
~Kellar snaps his fingers again~
Kellar: I thought so.
Dyna: I take it you've seen the recent broadcasts.
Kellar: As a matter of fact I was just talking to my good friend "Bad News" Williams about different personality traits... explaining how I can be serious one minute and laid back the next on the outside, but on the inside, I am always the calculating fighter I was born to be. I will always be the Human Dynamite...
Dyna: And what of the others?
Dyna: In the CoC?
Kellar: Surely I've dealt with them enough times already...
Dyna: Well Vernon Vanderbilt doesn't seem to have kept quiet, nor Vyle, and Monarch, Seven and Tytan are still on the vocal warpath, plus there's the other guys in the contest who've said their but are still readying for the fight.
Kellar: Good for them... but let's be serious for a moment.
~Kellar turns to the camera and points at his face~
Kellar: Serious... see Williams... serious... confused? Good...
~Kellar turns back to Dyna~
Kellar: Where's the threat coming from? The Human Dynamite is a cold, calculating, conditioned veteran of the squared circle with an arsenal of moves that make Jackie Chan look like Jackie Stallone, and the mental capacity for the sport that veterans twice his age never get. So what did the GZW stars do to deserve to beat Jon Kellar at the contest of champions? Bad News is sneaking in at the last minute screaming "fuck" all over again in a desperate call for attention, his buddies in QVC are too busy auditioning for the comedy circuit, feeding people to lions and making prison inmates smile via "mysterious" means to actually focus on doing any wrestling. Meanwhile Jimmy Williams is in a corner somewhere sulking, Monarch and Tytan are too busy trying to rip each other apart for sins gone by to notice anyone else in the match in any great sense, Seven has been masturbating over John Taylor 24/7 and has only just realised that there are other people in the match... but does he change his game plan? No! Of course not!!! It's still "BLURGH!!! SEVEN MAD!!! SEVEN DESTROY!!!" just multiplied several times, and then he wonders why no one takes him seriously. Don't get me wrong I'm not going to underestimate his size and power in a match of this magnitude, but come on, this is the Human Dynamite we're talking about!!! So who does have the right to stand toe to toe with Jon Kellar? John Taylor? Well he did get the better of me last week but even he has his work cut out for him. Last week I didn't motivate myself enough, but he was kind enough to show me that error, and I am going to make damn sure it doesn't happen again. Perhaps it'll be Vernon Vanderbilt who takes on the Human Dynamite for the final honours... but what with Cop Khan Moral watching his every move and the efforts he will have to make to make sure his makeup doesn't smudge awkwardly I doubt it. So he's got a pep rally going for him, so what? What are they going to do, cheer me and his opponents to death??? Hit us with their *official* Vernon Vanderbilt makeup bags? Give me a break...
Dyna: And Zander Frost...
Kellar: ...is not in the contest due to being an HKWF employee, and to get involved would be professional suicide on his part. He talks about his hardcore background, how he bleeds everywhere to show how tough he is, how the Extreme division in GZW doesn't measure up to the Hardcore division in HKWF and all this bullshit that, quite frankly, I couldn't care less about. I mean logically he must be tough in order to be holding a Hardcore belt of any kind... but Crimson is not about the Extreme Heavyweight title. There will be a time and a place for that and it is NOT this Sunday, and if Mr Frost opts to change that fact by getting involved in my business, let me issue to him this warning. Frost, I don't know who you think you are that you feel you can come in here and judge me so quickly, but if you do ANYTHING to compromise my winning the Contest of Champions, after you fail to do so, any definition of pain which you have in your mind will be rewritten when I get my hands on you at Heatwave II. Who am I kidding, that'll happen regardless of what you do at the Contest of Champions, but if you did foolishly choose to get involved then the probability of my letting you live at Heatwave II might just hit minus figures. I will say this only once Frost, stay away...
~Kellar pulls back from the camera~
Kellar: As for the rest of you... I have but one thing more to say. Good luck to all of you! You're going to need it when you come face to face with the REAL future of GZW... the Human Dynamite Jon Kellar... the ONLY man who's going to win this contest. Monarch, wise up on your history before you come to the match, because this will not be another chapter in it. Tytan, the former protege, you've been aching to get your hands on Monarch and I will not stand in your way, just as Monarch did not stand in the way of QVC when they attacked me, but if you dare to come near me and settle our little score, I guarantee you that it will not be the score you are searching for. Root, pray hard to whatever you believe in that he encourages me to show you mercy on Sunday, it may help, pigs are bound to learn to fly someday, so why not Sunday? The Williams boys, continue to spread your message of universal bullshit in whatever language you choose to speak. Vyle, Jay Jameson, Quake... I hope you guys are smiling when you arrive at the arena, because otherwise your ENTIRE day is going to be miserable... not just from the point where you find yourselves on your back outside the ring. Seven, like Root, pray to whatever you believe in... and for god's sake put away your John Taylor magazines before you go blind. Speaking of John, you have my respect for what you have accomplished in the past, and the fact that you beat me when last we met, but I will not make the same mistake twice John... I WILL be ready for you this time. Vernon, the man who nearly got the better of the aforementioned Taylor, make sure you look your best come Sunday. After all, you want to look good when you've been humiliated, right?
~Kellar leans back~
Kellar: And to Cop Khan Moral, Michael Lord, and all the others who will be in that ring on Sunday... be at your best, I want no excuses put forward when I am crowned the winner, and the winner I will be...
~Kellar snaps his fingers~
CUT TO A VIDEO PACKAGE
True Human Dynamite
~"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey begins playing as we fade into a video montage of Jon Kellar's career up to this point~
~We open with a view of a small arena with a younger Jon Kellar making his way down to the ring in slow motion~
Announcer: Making his AWF debut, weighing in at 245lbs... ULTIMATUM!!!!
~A series of clips are played, showing highlights such as Ultimatum wrestling Pyromaniac all the way to a time limit draw in only his second match, Ultimatum delivering the top rope leg drop to Noble Pruitt and pinning him for the AWF Intercontinental Title, defending it successfully against a number of opponents, before the infamous scene of him setting fire to the belt upon his departure from the company~
~A much longer montage begins of Kellar's UCW career, showing scenes such as his defection from Team AWF at the Pay Per View, his reunion with Kev and their capture of the tag team titles, followed by Hardcore Championship glory, Internet Championship Glory, the long running feuds with Inferno and Rob Grayson, and finally...~
Fairbanks: I don't believe it!!! My God I do not believe it!!! Ultimatum's the new World Heavyweight Champion!!!
~The scene accompanying those words shows a battered and beaten Ultimatum on his knees, being handed the belt. He looks up to the ceiling and mouths the words "Thank You." We see the fierce defence of said title in Brutal matchups, showing scenes such as Inferno's fall from the top of the Triple Cage at the hands of a battered and bloody Ultimatum, the Dome of Death match with Kellar being thrown back by an explosion inside the dome shaped cage, the blood filled street fight with Mr Showtime and Mad Maple, and finally a shot of Kellar handing the belt over to Mr Showtime upon his departure from UCW to...
~Another montage showing various superstars on the wrong end of Ultimatum's fearsome wrestling styles, finishing with him pinning Freezer burn to capture the International Title and celebrating with the fans after months of being held down and kept back from the major championships. This leads into a short video set which just shows Kellar dancing around in a ring, warming up for something~
Crumb: I’ve heard great things about Kellar. From my sources, he is a great talent out of the indy circuit. Every organization he has been a part of he has held major championships.
~More recent matches familiar to all GZW viewers now spring up, the commanding debut against "Mr Big" Nathan W, the vicious match with Reject, the even more vicious match with Electric Sharpe ending with Kellar being handed the title in a near unconscious haze, followed by his successful defence of it against James Tanner, before the rematch against Sharpe in which he collapses from exhaustion and pain. As Kellar hits the floor and Sharpe pins him, the video fades to grey~
Music: DOOON'T STOP.... BELIEEEEVING!!!
~The picture is restored with the image of Kellar joining the Heretics in exchange for the Extreme Heavyweight Title, and destroying Eclipse in the thunder dome in his first title defence. Highlights from the match with John Taylor and Quake are then shown, minus the ending, which is instead replaced with 4 quick images of Kellar doing his turnbuckle pose with the AWF Intercontinental Title, followed by the UCW World Heavyweight Title, followed by the UWA International Title, and finally the GZW Extreme Heavyweight title. The video finishes with a close up of Kellar sitting on his motorbike at the top of the entrance ramp, and he turns to the camera and smiles, before riding down towards the ring as the images slowly fades~
BACK TO REALITY
~Kellar is standing in front of the camera in his entrance gear, standing next to the limo which is about to leave~
Kellar: No matter how much Seven preens and obsesses, no matter how “cool” Vernon Vanderbilt dresses, no matter how much or often the Root may pray, or however often Monarch preaches that he’s here to stay, lets face it he’s been around since day one, but he ain’t got a prayer against the heretics' young gun! No matter how much QVC joke around or worry livestock, or how many jokes they make about sheep, gays and cock. No matter if Jimmy Williams teaches to spell, or however bad Phil Tytan’s breath may smell…I mean it can’t be as bad as his wrestling style, if he tries that shit with me he’ll be on his back in the aisle. Taylor reminisces, Bad News "disses", Frost threatens and Michael Lord bed-wettens. But we all know that there's only one winner come Sunday Night... the one... and only... Human Dynamite...