~As we open this particular Reality Check broadcast, we find Kellar sitting in an armchair next to a roaring fire, with a large TV just to his left~
Kellar: Good Evening everyone. Apparently the recent broadcasts made for GZW by my own private television company, Reality Check Studios, have caused a bit of friction. A few of you... well... several... um... a lot... well just about everyone has written in complaining about the apparently offensive content of my recent pre-Contest of Champions promotion films. You might remember in the second of my films I made certain comments and accusations about the French... now I do not feel these were offensive but simply light hearted metaphorical commentary concerning my opponents in the Contest of Champions this coming Sunday but... in order to ensure that I am not in any way biased on this issue, I have asked this Frenchman to make a statement on my behalf.
~The television flickers into life...~
Chirac: I Jaques Chirac, President of France, hereby declare that Jon Kellar's 2nd promo was not in any way offensive, and I do so under...
~There is the click of a safety catch being released~
Chirac: *gulp* my own free-will.
Kellar: Thank you Mon-sewer Presidonnter, I'm glad you could join us.
~There is a gunshot noise from the speakers on the now blank television~
Kellar: Err... heh... moving on. I then made the trip to Oxford in the attempt to understand a little more about my opponents in QVC, a gesture which my Arabian friend The Root took to be proof of my stupidity... being an Oxford graduate apparently proves that you are an imbecile on whichever plain of logic he happens to inhabit, but I shall address that issue later. However, in that same film there were certain comments made about a country closer to home... Wales. As with France, I endeavoured to find someone important in Wales... but then I remembered that nobody important would been seen dead there. However, in an effort to preserve impartiality on this issue too, here is an important Irish Woman.
~The Television Flickers into Life again~
Anne Robinson: The Welsh... I mean, what are they for?
Kellar: Thank you Mrs Robinson for that insightful and balanced statement. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I believe I have addressed the issues mentioned fully. If any of you have any further queries or complaints kindly go and put your penis in a blender, or should you be a woman or otherwise penisless, please shove a large blunt instrument where only customs men dare probe until you get a nosebleed. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy the 4th of 5 films about my road to victory at the Contest of Champions... thank you.
~The Camera Fades to the title sequence~
REALITY CHECK STUDIOS PRESENTS:
CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS
Starring: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar, Kev Mania, Dyna Might
Co. Starring: Comical Ali, most of the GZW roster, and a bottle of a green coloured fruit drink
PART 4 - The Lion, the Bitch and the Iraqi Information Minister.
~As the real film opens Jon Kellar and his "trusty" sidekick Kev Mania are in the gym of their mansion in Florida working out. Kellar is bench pressing some bar weights, while Kev is cycling away on the exercise bike~
Kellar: 121... 122.... 123....
Kev: Zuh... zuh... zuh... zuh...
~Kellar puts the weights down for a second, and turns to look at Kev~
Kev: Well I'm hardly going to count the number of times the wheel goes round am I?
Kellar: No but... Zuh?
Kev: It's the noise it makes.... zuh...zuh...zuh...zuh...
Kellar: You know what, I'm gonna go and get a drink, because I'm convinced this conversation isn't doing my brain any good...
Kev: Suit yourself... zuh.... zuh... zuh... zuh...
~Kellar makes his way out into the hallway, and the camera follows him as he heads towards the bar. He heads behind it and opens the little fridge containing the chilled non-alcoholic workout drinks~
Kellar: Kev's drunk all the cherry ones again I see...
Dyna: What makes you think it was Kev?
~Kellar jumps back, having failed to see that Dyna is sitting at one of the tables drinking one of the cherry drinks~
Dyna: After all, I'm quite keen on these too!
Kellar: But they're for refreshing me and Kev after gym work... what could you want with them?
Dyna: You think I don't use the gym occasionally? Lest we forget this is actually MY mansion...
Kellar: You raise a good point... so how come I've never seen you in there?
Dyna: Simple... there's only one shower block, and I'm a careful person...
Kellar: Nothing there that I didn't see when we were dating...
Dyna: True... but you don't get something for nothing
Kellar: Funny... seems to be how
~Kellar reaches into the fridge and rummages around, before pulling out a bottle of some kind of green liquid. He opens it up and takes a swig, then sits down next to Dyna~
Kellar: So, what you been doing all day? I haven't seen you...
Dyna: Been busy... apparently there was an incident at an awards ceremony and the papers wanted a statement from one of the co-workers of the wrestlers involved so...
Kellar: Woah... hang on.... incident? Wrestlers?
Dyna: Apparently QVC let some lions loose at an award ceremony, and some people died and it was all very messy business.
Kellar: Why did they do it though? A publicity stunt?
Dyna: Your guess is as good as mine... thought bearing in mind they'd already cleared out half of the awards which they themselves had invented I'm guessing you're not a million miles away.
Kellar: Now I've done some pretty dumb things in my time but releasing wild animals on the unsuspecting public is probably not a good idea, especially this close to the Contest of Champions. Still, I guess I should be glad for the fact that QVC will be watching it from the comfort of the prison cafeteria...
Dyna: Not so... apparently they were out within 24 hours.
Kellar: I see... so mass murder's not really a crime in this country any more?
Dyna: No it's still a crime... it's just that Vyle convinced the powers that be at the prison to let him out... plenty of smiles all round.
Kellar: QVC bringing smiles to a prison community... who'd have thought it?
Dyna: Was that a gay joke?
Kellar: Jeez you're right!!!! Ugh!!! Vyles been on my TV screen too much recently... it's starting to wear off on me I think. Still, after I have my way with him...AGH!! I mean after wrestle him and I come out on top... I mean... I mean... after I prove who the bigger man is... I mean.... ARGH!!!!
Dyna: After you eliminate him from the Contest of Champions?
Kellar: Thanks hon! Like I was about to say, after I throw his sorry corpse out of the Contest of Champions, along with his welsh buddy Jay Jameson, he wont be able to show his face on a TV screen again without a paper bag, such will be the punishment I bestow upon him. ARGH CRAP!!! NOW I'M STARTING TO SOUND LIKE SEVEN!!!
Dyna: Calm down... it's just over exposure. Like you said, after Sunday when you've eliminated them all it wont make a blind bit of difference.
Kellar: And I WILL eliminate them all... and that goes for QVC's heavy man Quake. He had his chance to kill me off and he failed, and I have a feeling he may look back on that opportunity when he's lying on his back on the outside of the ring and think... what the hell did I do to des...
Dyna: I get the picture, but lest you forget, QVC aren't the only ones in that match!
Kellar: I haven't forgotten Dyna, oh no, Jon Kellar has not forgotten about the others who think they are deserving of a place in the ring with him. I remember them all, each and every one of them. Tytan...
CUT TO KELLAR'S MEMORIES - PHILIP TYTAN
"...I am the future. Whether that's six months from now, or six hours from now, is what Sunday may decide. This is one of those momentous occasions, when a special talent defies the common thinking. Everyone talks about "climbing the ladder", but there's the rare person out there who jumps right over it. I have no desire to build my resume. I don't want to waste my youth putting down simple opponents. Contest of Champions VII is my chance to put them all down, every no-account loser, every arrogant has-been, and the rest who have yet to take notice. I can do in one night what it may take months, maybe even years, to do otherwise. My body is primed, my mind is set, and my spirit is determined. All the pieces are in place for something big to happen and I'm a perfect position to capitalize. The golden road has been put before me..."
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: Heh, Philip Tytan, my old team-mate. He and I may not have gotten along but I respect a man who can talk that way with such conviction... I just think it would sound better coming out of his mouth than his backside. He's right about there being that special someone who takes the elevator while the other's scramble up the ladder but what he fails to realise is that he had his chance to be that special someone and he didn't take it. He was the United States Heavyweight Champion, the next big thing, but he threw it all away... and now his response is to blame everyone but himself, forge new alliances in a desperate attempt to rescue a career hanging on the edge of a precipice... but he misses the true point of Sunday. In order to make this his time he must go through everyone else on the roster... but if he could not hold onto his title in the face of only a handful of challengers how is he to win this prize with the entire roster chasing it too? Tytan, if you look to grasp that beyond your own reach and you shall find only that you have overstretched yourself. Your time may yet come my old team mate... but you must learn patience... for you shall not have your day at the expense of Jon Kellar. Concentrate only on equalising that which you feel wronged by...
CUT TO KELLAR'S MEMORIES - JAMES "MONARCH" CORBIN
"Next Sunday, I want every last person in the Contest of Champions VII battle royale to wear their lucky socks, eat their favorite pre-game meal, have their bloody family at ringside... whatever it is that used to make them fucking win... bring it all. I want them to have every fucking advantage the rules will bloody allow, because I want there to be no fucking doubt who the fucking best is. When I say I can't be fucking stopped, I don't want them to fucking believe it... I want them to fucking know it."
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: ...the man you feel let you down. The almighty gracious leader of the Heretics, thy will be done, let it be as you have said... pah... you know something Monarch, John Taylor was right, and yet he was also wrong. I joined the Heretics because a man I respected made it the last request of his career, a career that I ended with my own two hands... and several weapons but that's not the point. When I was lying in that ring at the last Crimson, being beat on for QVC, having fought John Taylor and Quake with every sinew of my being, you stood there and you smiled, and you laughed. I can see why that would get to someone as weak as Phil Tytan... but I will not walk down his path James Corbin... oh no... that would be the cowards walk. Walk away, fight another day, that's the Heretics way... I understand that now. Your past makes impressive reading Monarch, but my future has yet to be written, and there are plenty of pages to fill... You left me to the dogs but I do not hate you for it, and I do not wish to punish you for it... because it reminded me just what the heretics are all about. It's about success, not about the individual... and now that I understand that, I hope you will in turn understand why I will use every means at my disposal to make sure it is my success and not yours that the Heretics will celebrate come the end of the match. I will not leave the Heretics Corbin, because I gave my word to Sharpe that I wouldn't, and while I couldn't care less about Sharpe I like to think that I am a man of more honour than the shitpile that was your last protege. John Taylor was right... you are not to be trusted... but where there is no trust, there can be no guilt at what transpires.... yes.. John Taylor was right about that, but...
CUT TO KELLAR'S MEMORIES - "THE LONE GUNMAN" LORD JOHN TAYLOR
"All the general public can do on the twelfth of June is watch these words of his ring true. The Contest Of Champions match is full of men with grudges. Men that think they know it all - They think they know exactly who to target, how to target them and when to take them out. Regardless of the length of their stay in this sport of ours, be it a year or a decade, this mentality will be the undoing of the vast majority of these men... Of course there'll be the children bickering amongst themselves - The Root and Shane Ryder, Jimmy Williams and Jay Jameson, even Phillip Tytan and James "Monarch" Corbin... But there'll be more than that. This individual focus is nothing compared to the real target of every other man participating - Me. Look at every piece of promotional footage over the last week and a half and tell me that the recurring theme is anything other than "The Lone Gunman" and the fact that he is everybody's number one threat. Like the goalkeeper with both eyes transfixed on just one half of the field or the cameraman filming the ground during an aurora borealis, this mistake will be the one that counts."
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: ...what can be said of our World Heavyweight Champion, himself, the man convinced he has a bullseye tattooed on his back... well it's quite simple, he's wrong about that fact. For a man who speaks eloquently and long handedly about other peoples mistakes and failings, he sure has a problem recognising his own, because you see John, the bullseye is not painted on your back, but upon the belt which you carry. The slogan for the Contest says it all "One Match, One Question, Who's Next?" You carry the title everyone wishes to call his own, and I, Jon Kellar, your almost-namesake are no exception. But your statements about the threat you pose stem not from your own arrogance, however others may think so, but from the fact that the one who bears the title is officially the greatest superstar in the company... and if your company's greatest superstar isn't a threat then who is. I should know John, I was the one who you defeated last week, and I know that you're a threat, I don't need you to tell me that and I sure as hell don't need the rest of the company going on about it either. But John you forget... when we clashed there was you... me... and Quake... and now there are many many others. You claim that their narrow sightedness and petty feuds will be the key to your victory, but perhaps you do not realise that I do not underestimate you as others may do. I am ready for you John Taylor, you may have gotten the better of me when last we met... but times change, and sometimes the only way like a blockhead like me learns anything is via the hard way. You taught me not to underestimate you, nor the pursue QVC on a petty mission of revenge...
~Kellar chuckles at remembering some of the QVC exploits over the past couple of weeks~
Kellar: The one so convinced of his own superiority based on his ability to make people laughed and the fact that he's just an all round "chilled out dude" Vyle...
CUT TO KELLAR'S MEMORIES - VYLE
“So as they should be rejoicing, the reasons they're so nasty about me is simply because they're jealous of me. Because I have no problems. I'm sure of myself and can make all of their problems go away. They look at me, the saviour of the world as an arrogant prick. They say, ‘who the hell is he to come here and fix our lives, as if we can't do it ourselves.’ I can see where they're coming from, but they should just realise that I'm right. It’s that simple.”
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: The monster, the machine, the inventor of yet another crappy cream based sludge drink... Quake...
CUT TO KELLAR'S MEMORIES - QUAKE
"GZW2K1, has been stuck in it's past for too long, it's head completely shoved too far up it's own ass by what has gone on in the past here.....QVC aren't the past, we weren't here for the past and frankly we don't give a shit what has gone on before now, QVC is all about the future and changing it into a way which sees everyone being a whole lot better. Every we do is to help you, that isn't just my promise as a part leader of this great faction it's my promise as a champion...."
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: And the *shudder* Welsh one...
CUT TO A SCENE WITH KEV DISGUISED AS JAY JAMESON CHASING SOME SHEEP AROUND A FIELD IN FAST MOTION TO THE BENNY HILL THEME
BACK TO REALITY
~Kellar looks bemused~
Kellar: £500 for THAT????
Dyna: *clears throat*
~Dyna points at the camera~
Kellar: I haven't forgotten... I'm just saying.
Dyna: So what of QVC?
Kellar: QVC believe that they are superior because they are a team... and therefore at least one of them is "guaranteed" to win, their "part leader" Quake said so himself. With their winner they intend to bring up GZW's ratings and entertain the fans in their own unique way... by prompting the fastest rush out of a GZW arena in the history of the company. Guys, at the end of the day there is one prize up for grabs and, lets face, it whether theres one of you, three of you or 10 of you with all 5000 your illegitimate prison-born children, that prize is not going home with one of you. I mean, lets take away the "team" element of the equation and what do we have? Vyle, you like to think that because you take life easy and you're more laid back than a flat bed truck that you're guaranteed to be the one... but this is a battle royale, not a "first one to die of a stroke" match. I hear they're very popular in Japan, so I would recommend you go there were it not for the fact that you wouldn't be far away enough from me to keep me satisfied. Quake... the man who prides himself on being "Champion of Television", the imaginatively named "Quake One." You cry and bleat about the outcome of our match like it was your step to something greater. Well perhaps it was, but you failed to take advantage when it mattered. Look at me, I was the one who lost the match, but unlike you I see the merit of looking where I'm going, to the future, MY future. For a split second you did try to see things my way and look forward to the future, but then you talked about how one of you would be fighting for the title at Heatwave II... even though the title shot on the line in the Contest of Champions is on the first show AFTER Heatwave II... sigh... well, at least you can pull a scary face...
If you want to look as cool as me, drink Quake Shakes
Now with up to 10% less gunk found under Jay Jameson's sink
Kellar: ...sometimes. And then finally there's Jay Jameson...
~Kellar looks from side to side, then presses a button on a remote next to his hand, which replays the Kev video shown earlier~
Kellar: Some things are better left unsaid... a statement that perhaps Amun Ma'at should take to heart when he next decides to crawl out of whatever cave he's been hiding in from the past week...
CUT TO KELLAR'S MEMORIES - AMUM MA'AT
"Hmmph! Look at all these infidels bickering with each other. Jimmy Williams, Seven, Vernon Vanderbilt, Tytan, and the list goes on and on. Most of them trying to outwit one another with words and who could blame them? For some words are all they have. Seven will probably choke on his words much like Bush choked on a pretzel, Queen Vanderbilt will probably go shopping for some sort of feather boa to prepare for this battle, and Jimmy Williams will probably speak just to hear his own voice. But really…some of them…like Kellar. Thinking that his knowledge of boat rowing is going to give him a one up in this contest by rubbing it in Vyle’s face. That stupidity just goes to show why England and its people are better off following orders from greater imbeciles such as the United States. At least then they can blame their ignorance and blindness on others."
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: Oooh... I'm wounded, really. Ha ha! Seriously though, I'm glad he found time in his busy schedule to come out and insult me and my country before skulking off back underground. The truth is Amun... I agree with you... my country's leadership does seem quite keen to test out lipstick colours on George Bush's backside... but hey, I didn't vote for them to get in, and I didn't vote to keep them in at the two repeats! You might say this is passing the blame, and perhaps it is, but I'd rather pass the blame than pass the responsibility, as you do. For you, the responsibility for winning the match lies not with you, but on some heavenly plain. Now what with me having a first class degree in Theology and Philosophy from the University of Oxford, I'd be more than happy to debate with you about just how wrong you are... but apparently obtaining such a degree makes me an imbecile so I guess I can't argue with whatever plain of logic you inhabit. Therefore, since you have completely misunderstood the point of my recent trip to Oxford, and believe that in some way I intend to row my way to victory, I have concluded that all methods of communication are non-effective at getting through to your thick blind-religion encrusted ignorant skull... however, so that you do not feel this has been a complete waste of your time, I will now play a message from one of your greatest fans.
Comical Ali: Everything is alright, everything is under control, Amun Ma'at has already defeated Jon Kellar and everyone else on the GZW roster. The world title will be in his grasp soon enough. Everything is alright! Everything is good! We are winning!
~The screen cuts back to Kellar, who smiles~
Kellar: Well with a credibility like that what do you have to worry about Rootboy?
~Kellar takes another swig of his green relaxation drink, then goes and sits down~
Kellar: So, that's Monarch, Tytan, Quake, Vyle, Jay Jameson, The Root and John Taylor done... so who does that leave?
CUT TO KELLAR'S MEMORIES
"The taste of blood is what drives a monster of my size, but I'm different. I'm not like a Deacon Kane, or a Nathan Williams, giants who were worthless, giants who were soft hearted and tender loving, but in the ring they were as brutal as the scares on their foreheads. I on the other hand thrive on the simple emotions of those who are weak and strong alike. We all have our weakness John, and yours is a weakness that has no cure. Your weakness is man made accolades. Accolades that drove you to the brink of destruction while you didn't have the World title around your waist, but now, now is a different John Taylor, the Taylor that is calm because he has what he wants."
"I'm tired of being over looked, under hyped, and under sold. From this point on I'm gonna show the whole world over what I mean when I say I am 'The Real Deal.' No longer will I be under sold and under hyped because I am everything I say I am and so much more."
The Champion of the Contest
And my V-vangelists know
That all tongues shall confess
Undying admiration of V
Because at Heatwave II
There's gonna be a new champ
And the champ is gonna be me.
BACK TO REALITY
Kellar: And then Seven came, Jimmy Williams' mother told him to shut up and go to sleep, and the music industry was dealt another fatal blow by a guy in makeup and lipstick...
~Kellar leans forward into the camera~
Kellar: So guys... what DID you do to deserve the Human Dynamite dedicating all this time and video tape to you? Well it's quite simple... you all have two things in common. 1. All of you are among my opponents come this Sunday and 2. You're all going to be lying on the outside of the ring when my hand is raised at the end of the contest.
~Kellar shrugs his shoulders~
Kellar: But hey... things could be worse. You could be a Cambridge student... or Welsh... or Seven.
~Kellar smiles as the camera fades to black~
END OF PART 4
In light of recent complaints about the content of Reality Check TV programming, we would like to invite all those with comments and complaints about this broadcast to go and f**k themselves with a golf club.