REALITY CHECK STUDIOS PRESENTS:

CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS

Starring: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar, Kev Mania, Dyna Might

Co. Starring: A couple of chefs who are big Electric Sharpe fans, Kellar's old tutor, Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, and 7 foot squirrel

 

PART 3 - University

 


~As with last time, our scene opens in the back of the limosine. The journey from Oxford to London has taken longer than expected due to a series of crashes on the M40, resulting in the driver trying to get to Oxford without using a motorway. It is the middle of the night, and everyone is grouchy~

Kellar: Fine night for a pileup...

Dyna: Well it's got to happen some day... driver!

Driver: Yes Miss Might?

Dyna: How long do you think it'll take us to get there?

Driver: About another 3 or 4 hours Ma'am...

Kellar: WHAT??

Dyna: Calm down Jon...

Kellar: 4 hours to get from London to Oxford, it should only take an hour and a half!

Dyna: That's using the motorway, plus we got stuck on the motorway for 3 hours waiting for the police to divert us off the motorway in the first place...

Kellar: What the hell is wrong with this country?

Cut to Ken Livingston and Lord Coe showing the Olympic committee around London a few weeks ago

Livingston: So as you can see, Britain's transport network has improved substantially, now if you'd like to come this way!!!

~A train derails behind them and crashes into a bus, which then explodes and takes out a tube station~

Inspector: What was that?

Livingston: Nothing...

Back to the Limo

Kellar: I don't believe this... what's say we head for the nearest Travel Inn and spend the night there, we can pick up the trail to Oxford tomorrow...

Dyna: Fine by me, I don't want to be stuck in here all night...

Kellar: Kev?

Kev: I'm not arguing...

Kellar: Travel Inn it is... Driver, take us to the nearest lodging please!

Driver: Sure thing boss!!

~Kellar lies back on the sofa-type seat. Stretching out and making himself comfortable~

Kellar: I could so get used to main event paycheques... and I see plenty more coming my way after I stand tall at the end of the Contest of Champions. I mean what did anyone else do to deserve to beat Jon Kellar? Who on earth

~Dyna's phone rings, she answers it~

Dyna: Dyna Might... huh... yes he's right here... right, got it. I'll let him know Miss Devotion...

~She snaps her phone shut~

Kellar: Let me know what?

Dyna: Your opponent for the Pay Per View... with the Extreme Heavyweight Title on the line...

Kellar: Oh yes?

Dyna: Some guy called Zander Frost, a returning veteran who seems to crop up every so often.

Kellar: Ah yes... I remember... something about roses and mirrors... and if I'm not mistaken he's the current HKWF Hardcore Champion, so in many ways he's my opposite number.

Dyna: What's more now that the contract's been signed he's entitled to be in the Contest of Champions...

Kellar: And I suspect he may take advantage of that entitlement, if only to try and get one up on the Human Dynamite...

~They arrive at the travel inn a couple of hours later, and to their glee find that it's open 24 hours. They head straight to the desk and ask for 2 double rooms~

Desk Clerk: I'm afraid we're very full tonight sir because of the accident. We've only got one double left, and a single with a double bed...

~Kellar turns and looks at Dyna, grinning at his ex~

Kellar: Well that sounds fine to me, don't you think so?

Dyna: Yep, sounds good

~An hour later we find Kev and Kellar sleeping in the double bed while the driver and Dyna are clearly in the next room~

Kellar: Well...at least this can't get any worse..

~At which moment Kev starts bouncing around in his sleep, setting the bedsprings going~

Dyna (from the next room): Could you two keep it down please?

Kellar: DON'T EVEN THINK IT!!!


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~We rejoin the crew at breakfast the next day. Dyna is fighting to hold back the laughter~

Kellar: He was bouncing in his sleep... alright???

Dyna: I tell you what, your door was getting some dirty looks from the other guests as they went down the corridor...

Kellar: Maybe they thought Seven was staying here with his John Taylor blow up doll... I mean did you see the guy's last promo? The guys two steps away from having a restraining order put on him for obsessive behaviour!!! I bet he's got some kind of demented shrine in his wardrobe, along with all the John Taylor videos that he seems to have an endless supply of, and when he's got one of them on it's like the rest of the world's blacked out. I mean if Seven did meet John Taylor in the Contest of Champions later that night, and then eliminated him, he'd probably throw himself out of the ring just to spend more time with him. It's sickening!!!

~Kellar takes a sip of his coffee... then screws his face up and coughs as he swallows it awkardly~

Kellar: We need to leave...

Dyna: What? Why? We haven't finished breakfast...

Kellar: Because that chef over there is giving me evils and this coffee tastes weird... like there's an... how shall I put this... "additive" and I think there might just be a connection...

Dyna: You're just being paranoid look...

~Dyna takes a sip... and repeats Ult's actions~

Dyna: Ugh... tastes like...

Kellar: Thank you but I know what it tastes like... can we go now?

Dyna: I think that would be for the best...

Cut to the kitchen, where the "evil" chef has just returned

Chef 1: I got him!!!

Chef 2: He drank it?

Chef 1: Yep!!! Teach him to end Sharpe's career...

Chef 2: Still can't believe there are people who hate artificial sweetener that much

~Admit it... what did you think it was?~

Back to the Limo, which is now back on the road to Oxford

Dyna: So once we get to the city of the dreaming spires, what do we do next?

Kellar: Well I was thinking we could look up some old friends, see if they've found anything...

Dyna: So we're heading to St Peter's then?

Kellar: Yep... sounds good to me, but I'd like to check out Trinity too... some of  Kev's old contacts may have some useful information...

Dyna: Kev was at Oxford?

Kellar: Briefly...

Cut to Kev's Oxford Interview several years back

Interviewer: So, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Kev: You have to be able to see the future to get in here??? GEEZ!!! I knew the standards were high but that's just flat out f**king ridiculous...

Interviewer: Um... ok... I think we're done here...

Back to the Limo

Kellar: The point is he was there for long enough to make an impact...thus we have a few contacts in that college. We're also going to pay a visit to my tutor...

Dyna: I thought he was in a loony bin in Cyprus?

Kellar: No the other one...

Dyna: Ah...

Kellar: Now if you'll excuse me... I'm going to get some shut eye. I didnt get much sleep last night.

~Dyna and the Driver snigger~

Kellar: Oh grow up...

~We return to them about 2 hours later, with our heroes standing outside the limo in a car park somewhere in central Oxford~

Dyna: Right then... where to first?

Kellar: St Peter's College... my old home away from home...

Kev: You reckon the bar still gives student discounts?

Kellar: I'm certain it does...

Kev: YAY!!!

Kellar: But we're not students anymore...

Kev: Ah, I've thought of that, and I've come up with a cunning disguise...

~Kev leans into the limo and pulls out a geeky looking cardigan and a pair of glasses. He wraps the cardigan round his shoulders and puts the thick rimmed glasses on~

Kellar: Kev, we're in Oxford not Cambridge...

Kev: Ah... right...

~Kev leans into the limo again and replaces the cardigan and glasses with an Oxford University hoody and a baseball cap~

Kellar: That's better...

Dyna: I see the rivalry hasn't died down...

Kellar: Hey you should understand it, you went here too you know...

Dyna: Yes I remember... but I also recall that I actually did some work while I was here...

Kellar: ALL the time Dyna? What about that time that...

Dyna: Stop right there...

Kev: *whiplash noise*

Kellar: Let's go...

~And so they make their way to Kellar's old college, St Peter's, where they are greeted by the squirrel mascot that runs around occasionally on the days of big sporting events. Dyna jumps back.~

Dyna: What the f....?

Kellar: It's Pete the Squirrel...

Dyna: Oh...

Kellar:....

Dyna: Who or what the hell is Pete the Squirrel?

Kellar: College mascot, didn't Somerville have one?

Kev: Well there was that girl who everyone said they "got lucky with" at one time or another... you know... that one with the big knockers? What was her name?

Kellar: I hope you enjoyed having testicles Kev...

Kev: What?

~Dyna kicks Kev between the legs~

Kellar: What did you learn?

Kev: *erratic breathing noises*

Dyna: Let's just do what we came to do and leave alright?

Kellar: Come and go... bloody hell Dyna you are reliving your  Oxford days...

~Kellar runs away very fast~

Dyna: JON WHEN I CATCH UP WITH YOU THE CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS IS GONNA LOOK LIKE A PEICE OF CAKE!!!!

Kellar (from a safe distance): It already does but your point is taken!!!

~Kellar runs through some random door, straight into his old tutor~

Kellar: Dr Tuckett!!!!

Tuckett: YOU??? NOOOOOOOO!!!!

~Dr Tuckett sprints into his study and locks the door. Kev staggers up behind Kellar holding his... yes... and leans on Kellar's shoulder~

Kellar: How sweet... he remembers me.

Kev: Very well it would seem...


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~When we return from that highly educational bit of advertising Kellar and Kev have just about managed to persuade Dr Tuckett to let them into the office, and the three of them are having a discussion.~

Kellar: So you see Dr Tuckett... right now I've got most of my opponents sorted. Tytan and Monarch will be fighting eachother, Vernon Vanderbilt and Khan Moral will be after eachother, Seven's too obsessed with John Taylor to concentrate on anyone else, Jimmy Williams will be too busy bleeding all over his dictionary to be a threat, and the other guys all have their own problems too BUT there's still a group of people who seem to have taken it upon themselves to focus on me... and I know that for whatever reason they came here a while back and there was some kind of incident down at the river...

Tuckett: And you know this how?

Kellar: Bits and peices of information... apparently there's quite the fanbase round here since word of my achievements got round, cheering on the old boy and all that.... but apparently these fans of mine got a little over zealous and attacked QVC... who ran away like a bunch of pansies.

Tuckett: Ah yes... I remember hearing about this from a couple of Professor Dobson's students... three Cambridge boys... well two and a Welshman. Talking about coxwangs and what have you...

Kellar: What's the hell's a coxwang?

Tuckett: Your guess is as good as mine.

Kellar: Is it the same thing as a coxwain... as in the person who sits at the end of the boat and yells at you to row faster and harder every couple of seconds?

Tuckett: Possibly... I seem to recall that there was rowing involved... they were arguing over oars...

Kellar: Blades...

Tuckett: What?

Kellar: Blades, not oars... if a boat has a cox then they're always blades... but then again if there were 3 of them the boat shouldn't have a cox anyway... hmmm...

Tuckett: Well they definitely said oars if I remember correctly and there were 3 of them.

Kellar: Sheesh! Have Cambridge's rowing standards really dropped that low that they don't even know basic terms?

Tuckett: So it would seem, good to see you haven't lost your mental capacity for the sport.

Kellar: Nor the shoulders...

Tuckett: Fancy going for a trip?

~We cut to Kev and Kellar in a skull (that's a 2 person boat) rowing down the River Isis with Tuckett cycling along side them~

Tuckett: Almost there!!!

Kellar: So they had three of them in the boat and one of them was coxing? What did they have, a 4 person boat with two rowers?

Tuckett: I'm guessing so... that would explain why they got caught so quickly... HOLD IT UP!!!!

~Kellar and Kev place their blades square in the water and hold tight, bringing the boat to a standstill next to one of the boathouses~

Tuckett: There!

Kellar: That's where it happened? They were throwing people that roof into the Isis?

Tuckett: That's correct!

Kellar: Why?

Tuckett: Well I think originally they were filming an advert for some crappy drink of some kind, and then it all got a bit out of control and then they started training for an upcoming match of some kind...

Kellar: Training for the Contest of Champions by throwing my Oxford based fan club off the roof of a boathouse...

Kev: Makes sense...

Kellar: In what way?

Kev: Well think about it, now they know how to throw 30 Oxford graduates off a roof they must figure they've got you beat 30x over.

Kellar: You really think Vyle and co. are that stupid???

Kev: Hey, if there's one thing I know, it's 'stupid'!!

Kellar: I guess that's so... well, looks like I made this journey for nothing. I've taken on Quake before and I wasn't that impressed in all honesty, I mean sure the guy is huge and powerful and what have you but he didn't beat me. John Taylor got the better of me because Quake wasn't quick enough to break the submission hold that ended that match, and his team mates are relying on him to help them win this things? Yes it was humiliating when I taped out to John Taylor's hold, but in a way it illuminated just how unreliable Quake is when it comes to the big occasions... and yet he believes himself to be an asset... the only Quake Shake on sale this Sunday is going to be Quake shaking with rage after the Human Dynamite explodes in his face and throws his sorry ass out into the crowd.

Kev: True...

Kellar It's the same for the others too!!! I mean look at Vyle, the man is so obsessed with his own image along with his ability to make crappy and unoriginal jokes about the Welsh and penises that I doubt he'd notice. I mean his head's clearly 30 miles up his own backside and I doubt he can watch everyone in the contest of champions through his belly button... he's just asking for someone to eliminate him, and it would be my pleasure. We'll see what a joking mood he's in after his sorry high flying kicking backside gets kicked and he flies high over the top rope the way QVC did to me last week. A Vyle taken down a peg and lying on the concrete floor outside the ring... who wouldn't want one of those?

Kev: Careful Jon...

Kellar: What for?? Is Jay Jameson going to get upset??? The man may have the Intercontinental Strap around his waist but do you honestly think that's going to intimidate me. I've got the Extreme Heavyweight championship around my waist and it doesn't seem to worry QVC, so why should I grant them any more respect than they've given me?? Jay Jameson may think he's a master of the mat work but we'll just see if he deserves to call himself that above Jon Kellar, something tells me that he still has a lot to learn... like Vyle his comedy act may just come to an end at the hands of the Human Dynamite.

Kev: And he's Welsh too...

Kellar: Welsh you say? Well, I know all about Wales from watching a documentary on the place a few weeks ago...

Cut to THE famous scene from Blackadder, a British Sitcom

Blackadder : Have you ever been to Wales Baldrick?

Baldrick : No, but I've often thought I'd like to.

Blackadder : Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

Back to Oxford

Kellar: I can see why he tries so hard with his comic persona... after all in the entire history of humanity only two great comedy acts have ever come out of Wales. The great Sir Harry Seacombe.... and the Welsh football team. I suppose he's trying to buck the trend...

Kev: So... that's QVC sorted...

Kellar: So it would seem... I'm well aware that the contest is very much an open one... many different competitors, many different agendas, many different rivalries... but everyone has one thing in common. They all have to ask the same question...

Kev: Here it comes...

Kellar: What did they all do to des...

Dyna: THERE YOU ARE!!!

Kellar: Shit... ROW!!!!!

~Kellar and Kev go into overdrive and Dyna sprints after them along the bank~

End of Part 3