REALITY CHECK STUDIOS PRESENTS:

CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS

Starring: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar, Kev Mania, Dyna Might

Co. Staring: Elton John, some random French people (are there any other type?) and some geeky Oxford students (are there any other type... except me?)

 

PART 2 - Shocking Shopping

 


~Our scene opens with Kellar, Kev and Dyna sitting in the back of a limosine travelling through the streets of South London, on their way to an undisclosed destination. Kev is getting restless~

Kev: Are we there yet?

Kellar: Have we stopped?

Kev: No...

Kellar: Then don't you think the chances are we haven't arrived?

Dyna: I fail to see why we're doing this at all... I mean why aren't you preparing for the Contest of  Champions? The date draws ever closer and still you feel the need to go on trips like this.

Kellar: Be fair Dyna, this one is relevant to the contest...

Dyna: I hope you're right... I mean history tells us that if you fail to prepare you'd best prepare to fail...

Cut to the French/German border, 1914

French soldier: Zere! Our armies are perfectly positioned, ze Germans will not be able to invade us.

Messenger: They're coming through Belgium!

French soldier: SHEET!!!

Back to the Limo

Kellar: Yes yes.. we've all heard that before

Dyna: I don't doubt you've heard it, it's whether you listen to it. I still think you failed to prepare for the Clash of Champions match quite as carefully as you could've done, and you should learn from your mistakes!!!

Kellar: Did history tell you that too?

Cut to the French/German border, 1939

French soldier: Zere! we have completed ze Maginot defense line along ze border. Ze Germans will not be able to invade us.

Messenger: They're coming through Belgium!

French soldier: SHEET!!!

Back to the Limo

Dyna: Yes... as a matter of fact it did!

Kellar: You know we can only learn so much from history, I mean if we spent all our time looking back imagine how many opportunities we'd miss in front of us! It strikes me that everyone in the company's determined to burn the bridge they've just crossed, lay to rest the demons that are chasing them. Monarch and Tytan for example, they're both determined to finish the other off before they move on to the next stage in their careers, not that Monarch has too many stages left, I mean he's been around since the dead sea scrolls but Tytan... now he's got plenty of time left. Both of them are not to be underestimated, but they are too busy snapping at each other's necks to bother with anyone else. I mean sure they mention the other contenders in passing but there's no doubt that their primary goal is to eliminate each other...

Dyna: Can you blame them?

Kellar: No, one blames the other for his lack of success, and the other is seeking to square what he sees as an injustice. They, like just about everyone else in the Contest, seem determined to pursue their individual agendas, not that that's any great secret. I mean even Vyle, Mr self-centred himself, has managed to turn himself away from the mirror and give his right hand a rest long enough to notice that everyone has their agenda. Seven, for example, seems determined to take his frustration out on John Taylor and seems to have forgotten the existence of everyone else in the Contest of Champions. I don't know whether he suffered any permanent brain damage when he fell into that vat of hair bleach but either way he seems to have clouded vision. Maybe Vyle's right about the voices in his head... telling him to write off this John Keller person...

Kev: I think he was probably referring to you...

Kellar: Yes... and I think that Dame Edna might possibly be a man.

Kev: ... what?

Kellar: It's called cynicism Kev... you made a stupid comment, therefore I make one back, and then...

Kev: No no no wait!!! Dame Edna's a man??? OH GOD!!!!

Cut to a shot of Kev's bedroom with posters of Dame Edna covering every inch of wall space, and under the bed we can just see the corner of a magazine on the cover of which a purple head of hair is just visible. On Kev's bedside table are tissues and...

Kellar: I don't want to know do I?

No

Kellar: Then stop right there!!!

Dyna: Who you talking to?

Kellar: No one...

Dyna: Hmmm... maybe Seven's voices are on vacation...

Kellar: Hah dee ha ha...

Kev: *crying noises* all those letters I sent...

Kellar: And it's not just Seven who's got his eyes on his own agenda. Vernon Vandriver and this Khan bloke who Tytan seems to be sharing his bed with nowadays seem determined to rip each other apart due to, in true human fashion, some deep seeded inner pain which they believe can be rectified with a healthy dose of outer pain... according to an article Freud says that desire stems from birth, I say it stems from them just being a couple of pansies arguing over who looks better wearing L'Orael haircare products. I hear rumours about some kind of real endorsement coming through and to decide who gets awarded it it's gonna be handbags at 10 paces for the right to be called the GZW "pretty boy."


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Dyna: Have you SEEN Khan? The guys a big blond German!!!

Kellar: Yeah but L'Orael's a French company... only natural that a German wants control of it.

Dyna: 3... 2.... 1...

~Dyna's phone rings~

Dyna: Ah the wonders of the GZW live feed... now we know we're going to get sued right after the comment's been made. No more hanging around waiting...

Kellar: ...which is more than I can say about GZW's resident man of faith's next sermon. I mean The Root seems to have gone into hiding, though to be fair such can be a good course of action heading into a major event when you're going against the Human Dynamite... I mean look how well it served Rob Grayson back in UCW!

Dyna: Are we talking about that incident when you locked him in his locker room for 2 weeks and when they found him he'd only survived by eating one of his boots?

Kellar: He went into hiding willingly, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Dyna: I don't remember that being the case a few months back...

Cut to a Courtroom "a Few Months Back"

Judge: Ultimatum and Kevin Mania you have been found guilty of indirect assault...

Ult: What kind of fine print pansy arsed law is that?

Judge: ...do you have anything to say in your defence?

Ult: Errr... that guy did it...

~Kellar points at Paul Sander, UCW's resident journalist~

Judge: Are you sure?

Ult: Would I lie to you?

Judge: Well he does look like the type... ok you're free to go!!

~Paul is promptly led away kicking and screaming~

Back to the Limo

Kellar: Hey, if all else fails, blame Paul. Anyway Felicity got him out... but not before he apparently got married to some bloke named Susan.

Dyna: I remember that... they still keep in touch... or rather he keeps touching Paul...

Kellar: Stop! I may not have known that Big Mac I had for lunch very well but I have no wish to become reacquainted with it.

Dyna: I don't get what it is about Paul... I mean if you believe in Karma, which for whatever reason seems to have some attachment to all the GZW guys, then Paul must've been Hitler in a previous life or something... I mean does anyone like the guy?

Kellar: Susan does.

Dyna: I think that's for financial security and the fact that he's approaching that time in his life...

Kellar: That is wrong on so many levels... much like GZW's newest arrival... the grave digger.

Dyna: Grim Harvester..

Kellar: I thought that was the restaurant down the road from the flat?

Dyna: No that's just a Harvester... the fact that it's grim is just a coincidence brought about by the fact that it's a shithole.

Kellar: Well anyway this new guy... he's pulling out all the stops with this "supernatural" motif he's got going on... about as original as a Westlife single and twice as painful to experience. "Cut off my limbs and I'll grow some more, gouge out my eyes and I'll get contact lenses"... deep stuff which leads me to one of two conclusions... either he's related to the bat-beast from the Jeepers Creepers movies... or he's Seven's roommate. Either way he seems to be what you get if you walked through a mirror and met Root... all this "fallen angel" garbage that every "bad guy" this side of Mars seems to be talking about.

Dyna: I'll admit he's a little... strange... but he may turn out to be a surprise challenge...

Kellar: Well, there's no doubt this contest is in need of one at the moment. At the moment it seems to me the main event of Crimson's going to consist of something along these lines: Monarch and Tytan are trying to sort out their differences by pounding seven shades of shit out of eachother, before Seven enters the ring and promptly starts running around in confused circles waiting for John Taylor to come out before promptly going apeshit and throwing himself at him. Meanwhile The Root has appeared and starts praying in a corner somewhere before the Grim Harvester falls from whatever the hell Root's playing too and promptly loses his limbs and his eyes and goes "looking" for some hobo to rip apart and eat, before Michael Lord runs out and eliminates everyone, before the LSD wears off and he realises he's locked himself in the gents and isn't in the match yet, but manages to get to a TV in time to see Jimmy Williams arrival on the scene. Williams then, assuming I understand his game plan, will proceed to give everyone a spelling lesson, free of charge, and then promptly start bleeding everywhere in order to pay his dues and win the match, and his blood will splatter all over John Taylor who has managed to get away from Seven so that he can continue to write the script for the video autobiography he's been doing for however many weeks, and John Taylor will then promptly let out a tribal scream and start whinging about how unfair life is and start fighting everyone because they've had opportunities that he didn't, and then the camera then cuts back to the dressing room where Vernon Vanderbilt has lost his lucky lipstick and is therefore refusing to compete until someone goes to the shops and buys him some, while Khan Moral is trying to get a knot out of his hair with pair of kitchen tongs and thinking of the best place to hide Phil Tytan's love letters which... of course... leaves a few other nobodies, the "Human Dynamite" and...

~Kellar opens the door to reveal their final destination, the QVC HQ in Chelsea (Thats Quality Value Channel, a shitty shopping channel, not Vyle's secret apartment above the world famous "Big Boys in Boots" magazine shop)~

Kellar: Queue... Veee... Ceee....

Dyna: You know you should be on the creative team...

Kellar: Been there, done that, I've got no wish to do it again.

Cut to an old scene Kellar is standing in the UCW creative office

Kellar: I've got this great idea for a match... it's effective, original and almost totally risk free!

~A few weeks later we rejoin Kellar outside a large arena which is burning to the ground, talking to the owner of UCW~

Kellar: Don't look at me like that... I said almost!

Back to the scene outside the Limo, where Kellar, Kev and Dyna are on their way into the QVC building

Kellar: You know I'm on the front of the upcoming "Death of UCW" book... I guess now that the company's down the shitter they need me to sell it more than ever!

Dyna: Yeah... er... that must be it.

~Kellar, Kev and Dyna make their way into the offices, where a blonde receptionist has their back to Kellar~

Kellar: Hey Darlin'...

~The receptionist turns round, it's a man. A man strangely shaped enough for Kellar to make this mistake, but a man none the less~

Kellar: Shit... if anyone wants me I'll be in the corner getting my boot out of my mouth so I can ask my foot if it's seen my dignity.....

~Kellar walks over to the corner~

Receptionist: What do you want...

Dyna: We want information on these people...

~Dyna hands them the famous photograph of the QVC bunch (ooc: Which you deleted just when I needed it you bastards!!!)~

Receptionist: Well that's Elton John, and he's upstairs trying on a diamond tiara, otherwise I can't help you.

Dyna: No... but maybe he can. Jon!!! One of them's upstairs...

Kellar: Jay Jameson?

Dyna: No.

Kellar: Quake? Vyle?

Dyna: Double No.

Kellar: Who then?

Dyna: Elton John... he's upstairs.

Kellar: Kev, come on... if this turns ugly I want your fingerprints on him...

Kev: Ok! Wait a minute...where on him?

Kellar: We'll discuss that when we get to it... come on.

~Kellar and Kev make their way upstairs to find Elton John trying on a diamond tiara that he has just spent far too much money on~

Kellar: Elton John?

Elton: Yeah?

Kellar: We need to talk... I understand you may have information I require.

Elton: Are you on drugs?

Kellar: Well you would know... but my mind is clear enough to know that the first rule of war is to know thy enemy... but the truth is I know little about a certain group of people, people who I really do need to know slightly better. But you must know them pretty well what with you being part of their advertising campaign...

Elton: Who?

Kellar: QVC...

Elton: STAY AWAY!!!!

Kellar: Kev... sick him...

~An hour or two later we find Dyna standing by the limousine~

Dyna: What could possibly be taking so long?

~Kev and Kellar emerge from the building~

Dyna: Well?

Kellar: Well Elton seemed reluctant to admit having any relationship with the QVC we were interested in but I let Kev beat him up for a bit and then he was more talkative. Apparently there was a rowing incident some time ago in which they were involved, so he didn't want to incriminate himself, thinking we were from the police...

Dyna: You? From the Police?

Kellar: Well they are hiring anyone these days... anyway, long story short, he thinks that there may be some witnesses to that incident still in that area so... we're going to Oxford...

~Cut to a couple of geeks sitting in the Bodlean library at Oxford. Suddenly one has 3 quick spasms~

Geek 1: What? What is it?

Geek 2: I sense a disturbance in the force... grave danger approaches...

Geek 1: Oh that's good... I thought you'd wet yourself again....

End of Part 2


Disclaimer: No one was harmed in the making of this RP... except Elton John, but you didn't see that happening so technically it never happened... right?