REALITY CHECK STUDIOS PRESENTS:

CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS

Starring: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar, Kev Mania

Co. Staring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Cleese, those two guys from the Orange adverts, and a small rubber duck.

PART 1 - Grapefruits and Memories of Champions

 

~It's been several days since the Clash of the Champions Match, and Kellar is celebrating his full return to full fitness (i.e. his testicles not being the size of grapefruits anymore) with a jog around London with Kev.~

Kellar: I still can't believe it you know...

Kev: That you lost the Clash of the Champions?

Kellar: What that? Nah I've forgotten all about that... I'm referring to the fact the humiliation I suffered at the airport.

 

At the Airport 2 days ago

~Kellar is making his way through customs with Kev and Dyna when he is stopped by the security guard~

Guard: One moment sir, could you please drop your trousers.

Kellar: What? Are you insane???

Guard: No need for that sir... please remove those grapefruits from your trousers.

Kellar: Are you coming on to me?????

Guard: Come with me sir

Kellar: NO!!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU PERVE!!! AAAARGH!!!

~Kellar is led away to an office and the door shuts. There is the "smack" of a plastic glove being put on~

Kellar: Oh you cannot be serious...

Back to London

Kellar: Now I know why Paul Sandler looked so terrified back in UCW when he had to share a cell with the Gay Bandit after we got arrested...

Kev: Which time was that again?

Kellar: I think that was the whole indecent exposure thing...

Kev: Oh... I thought it was the time we crapped in Felicity's bird fountain.

Kellar: Who's this WE???

Kev: Well you said "just go!"

Kellar: Well in any case, turned out that because my knackers had swollen up so much from the various shots they took back at Crimson that they'd set off some kind of X ray designed to pick up suspicious bulges.

Kev: Sheesh... Ron Jeremy must be terrified of flying...

Kellar: Well apparently this guard saw the X Ray and thought I was smuggling grapefruits... or kiwi fruits or some kind of weird testicle-shaped fruits... so he had to check. It didn't occur to him that were I trying to smuggle grapefruits out of the country I probably WOULDN'T put them down there... but I guess they have to be sure in the modern environment.

Kev: Yeah, what with the threat of terrorism and all.

Kellar: Hmmm... yes...

 

Cut to Imaginary Scene

~Two pilots are flying the plane when two masked men break into the cockpit carrying grapefruits~

Terrorists: DON'T MOVE!!! WE HAVE GRAPEFRUITS AND WE WILL USE THEM!!!

 

Back to Real Life

Kellar: ... well there's careful and then there's just pain ridiculous, but they seem to overlap more and more often nowadays. Still, it doesn't change the fact that it was a humiliation and made what was already a pretty sucky start to the week even worse.

Kev: Hey come on Jon, you did your best in that match...

Kellar: As far as I'm concerned if my best doesn't result in me winning then I've fallen short of what I'm really capable. Anyway we've been jogging for about an hour now... what's say we go into this cafe and have a sandwich and drinks?

Kev: Awesome dude!!!

Kellar: You say that word again I'll throw you in the Thames... we're in England now, so act accordingly.

Kev: Yes sir!!!

~Kev walks into the cafe~

Kellar: *sigh* Just when you think his brain's beginning to repair itself... THAT happens. I really shouldn't take him to America as often... but it's not that I have much choice in the matter, GZW don't seem to respect my creative input.

 

Cut to a previous meeting between Kellar and the GZW planning committee, who look remarkably like the two people from the Orange adverts you see in cinemas.

Kellar: Think about it, rather than dragging GZW's fans over here why not take the show to them. A show in England is just what we need!!!

Dark haired guy: Get out.

 

Back to Real Life

~Kellar and Kev are sitting in the cafe tucking into a sandwich, along with hot chocolate. Anyone who doesn't understand why they are drinking hot chocolate in the middle of a summer's day has obviously never been to England during the summer~

Kellar: It's going to rain....

Kev: Well that's awfully pessimistic...

Kellar: There's a fine line between being pessimistic and being realistic... and I think I'm leaning towards the latter. 3...2....1

~It promptly starts chucking it down with rain~

Kev: Ah well, at least we're inside.

Kellar: Yes but we're also an hour's jog away from the flat...

Kev: Ah... it'll hold up soon I'm sure.

~There is a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder~

Kellar: You really need to learn when to shut up...

Kev: You're not the first person to have said that to me...

 

Cut to one of Kev's Numerous Therapy Sessions

Kev: And then when I was 14 I...

Therapist: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

~The therapist drops into her chair, and her brain squeezes through her ear and promptly jumps out of the nearest window~

Back to Real Life

Kellar: Well it's good advice... anyway drink up. There's no way I'm getting stuck her for...

Kev: Oh my God!!! Is that... is that John Cleese?

Kellar: Where?

Kev: Two tables away...

Kellar: Doubt it... think he's away filming...

Kev: JOHN!!!

~John Cleese looks across at them~

Cleese: Yes?

Kev: ...

Cleese: ...

Kev: ...

Cleese: ...

Kev: Hi!

~John Cleese shakes his head and goes back to eating~

Kellar: Again with the whole "knowing when to shut up" deal... you know you should enter the Contest of Champions, there's so many big mouths who don't know when to stay schtum going for this thing that you'd fit right in!!!

Kev: Oh?

Kellar: Yeah... I mean look at the GZW roster, or to keep it simple look at the guys who've made an appearance to "plead their case" if you like... first there's Seven, this so called "dark and mysterious" figure with some kind of command over dark and sinister things. The last time I saw obsession like that there was a bottle of oil and a box of tissues involved... the guy is quite clearly messed up in the head... and he accuses ME of buckling under pressure? I mean since when was he the great survivor? He's held the Television Championship... great... I'm the Extreme Heavyweight Champion and I've held it twice AND successfully defended it, but rather than focussing on what he had, he instead concentrates on going straight to the top. I mean John Taylor, much as I may not like him, climbed the ladder to get where he is today, but Seven seems to think he can ride some kind of escalator to the top. After he buckles under pressure he says wont effect him, despite the fact he couldn't deal with the pressures of being television champion for more than a couple of months... John Taylor will kick his bleach blond arse into next week and then there's going to be plenty of superstars willing to press the stop button, and then we'll see just how far he falls... maybe wherever he ends up will have a psychiatric ward... or at least a box of tissues and a replica belt.

Kev: Yeah...

Kellar: The Root... hmmm... rooted to the spot at the critical moment perhaps? One must respect a man who has faith, because it shows dedication to a cause, and any man with dedication is a man to be watched. After all, the Root has had considerable success in his career and like me has mastered counter-wrestling to the point where it is almost an art form. Like me he prefers not to talk, but to do, but where differ on that subject is that I recognise the value of speech. From hearing my opponents speak you learn more about them than you would simply by wrestling them. Wrestling them can teach you their physical prowess and to a certain extent their mental capacity for the sport, but it will teach you nothing of their character, and exposing the flaws in their character can prove to be a true blessing when you're alone in that ring.... alone... alone...

Kev: You ok?

Kellar: I'm fine!!! I was just thinking is all...

Kev: Dangerous thing that.

Kellar: Too true, and then we have Vernon Vander... van.... Van Driver whatever the hell his name is. The "pretty boy" of GZW... but unlike Seven he wrestles with a bit of style, a bit of flash shall we say. An interesting character to say the least but whether or not he can pull it off is still a mystery to me. Then again, he did impress in that match with John Taylor didn't he. Certainly more of a man to look out for than Seven in my eyes, but then again Vernie might be a little distracted trying to wrap some big men around his finger with his blend of style and finesse... like Phillipa Tight-End

Kev: I still can't believe he betrayed Monarch!

Kellar: Monarch had it coming, if you can't hold onto the leash then you deserve to have your dog bite you on the arse. Monarch may be the victim of the piece but I would hardly classify it as undeserved. I knew from the moment I joined the heretics that Tytan had something wrong with him, that his dedication could be called into question...

Kev: You're hardly Mr Loyal 2001-2005 Jon...

Kellar: No but the difference is that I don't break my loyalty pledge because I never give it. Tytan felt betrayed because Monarch never helped him to become more than he was... but the point is that Tytan was already much higher in terms of ranking than he ever deserved to be. If I'd had my way the man would've had to send in 30 odd promotion applications just to get the right to trigger the pyrotechnics on my entrance sequence, instead he finds himself associated with the one group that keeps his image above sea-level and gives his loyalty to Monarch. I mean look at the way he stood up for him when we had that first meeting...

Cut to said meeting

Monarch: You fucking rookies never cease to amaze me! Your bloody job is to hold onto that Extreme Heavyweight Championship that you were GIVEN and secure that you remain the best of the bloody best!

~Kellar gets in Corbin's face, but can't hold the serious look any longer and bursts out laughing~

Kellar: You... you mean...? Oh this is just too precious... you're looking after my well being just because I'm the only one in this little fraternity you've set up whose holding GZW Gold? You're doing it out of the good of your hearts because you want to see me succeed? Dyna, get this man a vicar's outfit... what are you? XXL with an XXS in a certain area that shouldn't be mentioned in poli....

~Tytan pushes past Monarch and gets in Kellars face.~

Tytan: You best watch what you freaking say, punk! Sharpe may have thought you were a fix for The Heretics but you haven't proven anything to me.

Back to reality

Kellar: It was that point when I realised that Monarch had clearly earmarked me for greater things above his current protege... and Tytan wasn't in any mood to take that lying down. So when I destroyed Eclipse in the Thunderdome match and guaranteed my place in the Clash of the Champions as the Extreme Heavyweight champion, while all he could secure was a shot at the TV Title... he realised his time had come and gone. But unwilling to accept the obvious he makes a new alliance. Can't say I blame him... I mean we all do stupid things in a bid to get to the top....

Cut to an Advert from several decades ago, advertising bathtime bubbles

Arnie: Every-bor-dee loves barth-time bubbles... for muck and durt et spellz beeg trubbles...

Rubber Duck: Quack Quack!!!

Back to reality

Kellar:... but the point is that Phil Tytan has all but guaranteed his route back to the bottom. Does he really think that the PAG are going to guarantee him the title in the way that the Heretics guarantee mine?

Kev: Guarantee? Monarch didn't seem too concerned with you at the end of Crimson. I mean what good is you holding the title if you're too beaten up to defend it courtesy of a situation Monarch may have been behind.

Kellar: I know Kev... and it's no secret that I dislike Monarch for standing there and watching rather than helping him out... but what would you have me do? Side with John Taylor? Monarch abandoned me in my time of need, but unlike Phillipa Tight-End I won't be throwing a temper tantrum and walking out on the heretics... no. Because I know Monarch better than that... Tytan was abandoned when he lost the title, but so long as I hold the Extreme Heavyweight Title Monarch WILL protect THAT, and in a business where power is everything that gives me the upper hand.

Kev: You think Monarch will help out in the contest of champions?

Kelllar: Well there's nothing to stop him... but it's not as if I need his help. After all, I've already won two of these contests in two different federations, and I feel the need for a hat-trick. So when I eliminate that last man and guarantee myself a rematch with John Taylor after Heatwave II, and then avenge my loss at Crimson Monarch will have one hell of a task on his hands... after all, if the World Heavyweight Title were to slip out of the Heretic's hands again thanks to a situation he could've prevented, it would seem that Tytan was right all along... and I'll admit I haven't known him all that long but I don't think Monarch is the type likes to be wrong...

Kev: So...

Kellar: So Jon Kellar is out for himself Kev... always has been and always will be. If Monarch wants to come along for the ride then let him... but offer him no loyalties to be broken and I'm sure he returns the favour. The simple fact that Monarch is being forced to acknowledge is now that Tytan's gone I'm the only Heretic who even has a chance of coming home with that World title gold, and Monarch may not like me personally but if I walk out and the Heretics collapse what does he have left other than his legacy. Don't get me wrong it's an impressive one which he'll no doubt bore his grandchildren with someday... but I doubt Monarch wants to see it end with his greatest failure...

Kev: So the heretics And what of QVC??? What of them?

Kellar: Ah yes... QVC....

~Kellar chuckles into his coffee as the scene fades to black~

END OF PART 1