KELLARVISION IS NOW BROADCASTING


~As U2's "City of Blinding Lights" booms out we get an outside view of a British Airways 747 leaving JFK, followed by several snapshots of different areas of Hong Kong, giving us a panoramic 30 second tour of the island soon to play host to the next GZW Pay Per View. At the end, the following images appear~


~Strangely these last few frames keep rewinding and repeating themselves several times. After the umpteenth rewind we cut to the door of the aeroplane toilet where Jon Kellar is banging away (OOC: DOWN YOU DIRTY MINDED BASTARDS!) at the door~

Kellar: Kev! I mean it this time, quit watching the ending of the opening sequence, put the tissues away and get out here. We've landed!


THE KELLAR VIDEO DIARIES

HONG KONG
HAVOC

STARRING: JON KELLAR, KEV MANIA,
CO STARRING: PAUL McCARTNEY, SOME FANS AND SEVERAL ATTRACTIVE ORIENTAL LADIES


~Kellar and Kev are just leaving the airport, dressed in Kellar's new "Kellarvision" merchandise. Kellar is wearing a black "Kellarvision - Dynamite by TV Light" t-shirt with *official* Jon Kellar leather jacket and black jeans, while Kev wears a white "Pure Dynamite" t-shirt with tracksuit trousers and a "JK" Baseball cap. They walk out of the terminal and get into a limo, which travels through the city as "City of Blinding Lights" continues to play in the background. We see a "Kellar's eye view" through the window as they pull up to a GZW fan convention.~

Kellar: I hate doing these things...

Kev: Well, GZW doesn't come over here very often and everyone has to do it, and seeing as Dyna isn't here to get you off the hook...

Kellar: Don't remind me...

Kev: Don't worry Jon, I'll look after you....

Kellar: Kev, I do not need looking after, why does everyone keep saying that?

Kev: Well you didn't exactly take the news that she wasn't coming very well... I mean I was in that phone box when you decided to run it over.

Kellar: I didn't run it over ok? If I had you wouldn't be here talking to me.

Kev: All the same, it seems that you're not too happy...

Kellar: Well I'm not... I'm not used to not having Dyna in my corner ok?

Kev: Come on... be positive... sing something to calm your nerves. *ahem*

Kellar: Kev don't you d...

Kev: Pokemon, gotta catch em all!!!!

Kellar: Great... now I've got Pokemon stuck in my head...

Kev: Well think of something else, drown it out!

Kellar: Err... Everybody was Kung Fu fighting... those kids were f... AH CRAP!!! Now I've got that stuck in my head!!!

Kev: Um... We all live in the Yellow Submarine... the yellow submarine... the yell...

Kellar: AARGH!!! Quick... what trumps Yellow Submarine?

Kev: ....

Kellar: ....

Kev: Ah... problem.

Kellar: Great... so now I'm going into a fan convention with yellow submarine stuck in my head. What I wouldn't give to get my hands on...

Paul McCartney: Hey! Are you Jon Kellar? The wrestler...

Kellar: Aren't you Paul McCartney, one of the best known singer/songwriter in history, and the man who wrote and sung Yellow Submarine?

PM: Er... no that one was Ringo Starr...

Kellar: Close enough.

~Kellar grabs Paul McCartney by the scruff of his jacket and throws the former Beatle head first through one of the limo's windows. Kev walks over to check on him~

Kellar: You know... you come into this company dreaming of World Championships, immortality, Pay Per View Main events and more cash than you can stuff in your trousers... but opportunities like that, well they're the ones that truly satisfy you.

Kev: I think he's dead...

Kellar: Well, that makes Ringo Starr the last of the Beatles, which just goes to prove my point that in this day and age that it's the people with no talent that get the best breaks in the music business, while people like us have to suffer....

Kev: Oh wait, he's moving, he's fine.

~It is at this point that the Limo suddenly speeds away, and there is a loud crashing noise followed by an explosion off camera~

 

Kellar: And now for a quick message...


PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

Speed Racer: Aha! Jon Kellar will beat Zander Frost and retain the GZW Extreme Heavyweight Title. Aha!


~Kellar looks confused, then shrugs it off~

Kellar: You know what, I give up trying to work out what the guys in the Kellarvision production office are drinking... come on Kev, lets just do this.

Kev: We all live in the...

Kellar: KEV!!!!

~So they head off inside the fan convention, and make their way towards the stage at the front~

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome the GZW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, Jon Kellar!

~"I want it all" starts playing and Kellar plays to the mixed ovation as he makes his way up onto the stage and to the table that has been set up, before removing the Extreme Heavyweight Title from his bag and placing it in front, so that everyone can see the new faceplate, portraying the Union Jack with three scratches going across the middle, and "KELLAR" written underneath it in blood red~

Announcer: Right then, questions, and lets keep it down to one per person, Mr Kellar has a busy few days ahead of him.

~Everyone in the room puts their hand up. Kellar takes the microphone~

Kellar: All of those with questions about the sex tape of myself and Dyna that was leaked onto the Internet last year please put your hands down and don't waste my time. The tape is a fake and I will not answer any questions about it.

~90% of the fans put their hands down~

Announcer: Kid in the corner...

Kid: Yeah, about that scene in Triple X where you put a load of those sticky bombs on a line of motorbikes outside the bad guy's house, when you set them off, how the motorbikes blow up in the order that you put the bombs on when the bombs were manual and not timed?

Kellar: Ok could you and anyone else who thinks I'm Vin Diesel please fuck off now? I appreciate that there is some resemblance but I am Jon Kellar, the wrestler.

~The 10% who weren't interested in the sex tape get up and leave. Kellar turns to Kev~

Kellar: You know I could be forgiven for thinking that I'm not popular... and they could be forgiven for thinking I care.

Kev: You know this could be the shortest fan meeting in history, another feather in your GZW cap.

Announcer: Yes you at the back!

Fan: Jon Kellar, without Dyna Might in your corner, do you feel that you may have lost some ground on Zander Frost before the match has even begun?

Kellar: Zander Frost is nothing but a delirious son of a bitch with great taste in fashion but very little else going for him. Dyna may buy into his mind games but I don't. I'm wearing the title that shows everyone that I am the best in this division, and while he may say the same thing, lets face it, comparing the GZW's title to HKWF's is on a par with comparing ice cream with dogshit. In an ideal world I'd have Dyna in my corner, but with our without her, the result will be the same. Jon Kellar is going to win the first ever Fifty First Tables match and retain the title whose prestige he has restored, and I didn't do that so that Zander Frost could undo it all now.

Announcer: In the middle...

???: OPEN SEASON!!!

Kellar: This should be fun...

~The fan takes off his sunglasses and baseball cap to reveal Dave H.C., who runs up onto the stage...misses a clothesline... and is promptly put through the interview table by a Kellar German Suplex which lands him painfully on his neck. The fans are silent as Kellar kips up, dusts himself down, and pulls a microphone from within the wreckage~

Kellar: So... any other questions?

H.C.: uuuuurhh.....

~Kellar kicks H.C. in the head, and he stops moving~

Kellar: Anyone? Yes you...

H.C: Staying with the Dyna Might issue, what do you make of Zander Frost's latest threats and his accusations that you're not taking this match seriously?

Kellar: Well first of all on the Dyna issue, Zander fancies himself as a bit of an expert when it comes to getting inside the mind of an opponent, hence the overly dramatic settings, the threatening language, the smirking and the threats against my manager, but do you see him threatening me beyond the usual "I'm going to win your title"? Do you see him threatening to strangle me? Not a bit of it!!! It's the same old "I'm going to break your body, make you suffer, make you my bitch, take your title blah blah blah." I mean Zander Frost wouldn't know original if it got him drunk and raped him in the night for fuck's sake. He's accepted that I'm a threat so he's trying to get the upper hand by threatening those close to me in the hope that my head will be more worried about them than about winning Sundays match. Greater men than he have tried to get inside the head of the Human Dynamite and all of them have failed, and if I got paid to listen to people tell me how they're going to ruin my life I wouldn't be wrestling! On the other hand, he's lost his focus and thrown a little temper tantrum because his "unique" combination of thunder, lightning, tourettes' syndrome, and the unhealthy obsession with women like Dyna that stems from from years of rejection and large Rohypnol bills didn't manage to get inside my head. The most recent broadcast is just a cry of desperation from a man who really hasn't got a clue what to do with a guy who manages to stay focussed and chilled out despite the threat of incoming injury, and is still going to beat the living hell out of his sorry desperate corpse at a massive Pay Per View event!

H.C.: And what of his threat that even if you get the better of him at Heatwave II he'll be back, and that you and Dyna will never be rid of him

Kellar: Hey, you can't hate a guy for being too idiotic too learn his lesson the first time, but when I have my way with him on Sunday I have a feeling that even "Mr Hardcore Icon" will be having second thoughts about that sentiment. Sharpe didn't learn his lesson, and came back to see if he could get the better of me, and only managed to take the title back at the cost of his career, and ended up giving me back the title anyway! Some victory! Zander Frost doesn't think I'm taking this match seriously based on what I've said in the run up, but what difference does the run up make anyway? I don't NEED to take the match seriously until I'm actually in the ring, and when that time comes believe me I'll be more than happy to accommodate his desire for a serious opponent. But you know what they say, when you get what you want, you don't always want what you get. Some people, like Zander Frost, have to learn that lesson the hard way, and whatever my attitude may convey now, it's not a lesson I'll hesitate to teach him.

Announcer: Well I think that's all the time we have... so ladies and gentlemen once again Jon Kellar.

~Kellar acknowledges the fans one last time and makes his way down the ramp, where Kev is waiting at the back of the hall holding Kellar's phone~

Kev: It's Dyna... there's been an... incident...

TO BE CONTINUED