KELLARVISION IS NOW BROADCASTING

SEALED WITH AN X


Misfitting Zernon Zanderbilt 

Kellar's Voice: Who the fuck comes up with these titles?

Starring: Jon Kellar, Sean O'Gara, Dyna Might, Kev Mania


[Kellar gets to his feet and raises his arms in victory. He climbs onto the second turnbuckle and taunts the fans with an arrogant sneer. Vanderbilt stands. The referee raises Vanderbilt's arm! Kellar looks absolutely stunned at first, and then enraged. He grabs hold of the referee and backs him into the corner. Clancy Beauregarde enters the ring and tends to Vanderbilt, Dyna Might joining in with Kellar as they shout questions at the bewildered referee. Beauregarde embraces Vernon, the entire arena confused. The referee points Dyna and Jon's attention to the ZeroTron where replay footage begins to be shown.]

Nelson: Okay, maybe this can shed some light on the issue...

[The replay shows Kellar's German Suplex of Vanderbilt in slow motion. Both men have their shoulders down afterwards in a clear and valid pinning position. However, just before the referee counts three, we see Vanderbilt raises his arm!]

~The image pauses, and the camera pans back away from the tv to reveal Jon Kellar chatting to a referee who is tied to a chair and gagged~

Kellar: Now... no matter how many times I watch that, I fail to accept your decision. Do you know why?

~Kellar pulls out a book marked "The Rules of Wrestling"~

Kellar: Because according to this book, a pinfall can only be scored if an opponent is applying downward pressure on an opponent while his shoulders are on the mat. Look...

~Kellar shows the book to the referee, who tries to read it, but Kellar closes the book~

Kellar: ...it's right there in black and white... and unless I'm very much mistaken, the only one applying downward pressure in that exchange was me, therefore, the pinfall attempt should have been broken up and the match should have continued. Vanderbilt was not applying pressure, therefore he did not pin me, the fact that my shoulders were on the ground is an irrelevance. If it were relevant you would go down to count every time my shoulders hit the mat now wouldn't you...

~The referee mumbles something~

Kellar: Are you implying that I am lying Mr Referee? Are you implying that I am twisting my account of events... you know, I have no time for those who blame other's for their misfortune....

~Kellar gets in close to the referee and stares him right in the eye. After ripping off his gag, he grabs him by the cheeks, and speaks slowly and quietly... almost whispering.~

Kellar: ...and when the revolution comes... I will have no time nor any place for people who make mistakes... I suggest you contemplate that...

~Kellar leaves the room and shuts the door, plunging the room into darkness.~

Ref: Great, tied to a chair in a sealed dark room by a psychotic wrestler who refused to admit he lost a match... well, this can't be any worse....

~At which point there is a "pffrrrt" noise from the corner. And two men in a tattered UCW referees shirts with long dirty hair and a long dirty beard emerges from the shadows~

UCW Ref 1: I know I shouldn't have eaten those beans Kellar gave me...

UCW Ref 2: You should've done what I did. I always said eggs were the way to go.

Ref: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

~Meanwhile Kellar emerges from behind a rotating bookcase somewhere in the mansion. He pulls a book and the bookcase closes behind him. Enter Dyna~

Dyna: Hey Jon, where you been?

Kellar: Err... I was looking for a book to read.

Dyna: Really? Great, maybe you can help me find the book I'm looking for.

Kellar: Oh? What book's that...

Dyna: Well, I was on the phone to the historical society, and it turns out that this mansion was built on the ruins of an old castle... and they think the dungeon may still be intact!!!

~Kellar shifts his feet uncomfortably~

Kellar: You don't say...

Dyna: What's wrong?

Kellar: Nothing I...

Dyna: Don't lie to me... what's wrong...

Kellar: Well I...

Kev: Hey Jon!

Kellar: Well, I knew this day would come eventually.

Kev: What?

Kellar: The day has finally come when I'm pleased you walked in on me and Dyna, what is it you revolting little turd?

Kev: They've announced the matches for Crimson on the 11th. You, me and Sean are taking on the Misfits.

Kellar: Which ones? I've told GZW HQ I wont fight Zander in any match until he proves himself worthy...

Kev: It's NeCro, ArkAngel and North.... 

Kellar: The three Muskequeers! Wonderful! I thought you killed NeCro?

Kev: I don't think "people" like him die... they just mutate into something more horrid... his sister's fit though!

Kellar: Mind on the game Mr Mania, mind on the game... where's Sean?

Kev: Celebrating...

Kellar: STILL? Jesus Christ... Crimson was HOW long ago?

Kev: He's Irish... they dont need much of an excuse...

CUT TO THE FIRST EVER ST PATRICK'S DAY

Irishman 1: Y'know... I haven't seen any snakes for a while...

Irishman 2: Me neither... let's get slaughtered!!!

Irishman 1: Hooray!

Back to Reality

Kellar: Be that as it may, we need to talk about strategy and look forward to our next match rather than focus on his winning pinfall from last Sunday. I want Sean down here now...

~The ceiling collapses and Sean comes crashing down, landing through a table. He lies on his back and looks up and Kellar~

Sean: Couldn't help overhearing through the floorboards... so here I am!

Kellar: Did you have to take out the ceiling?

Sean: Meh... seemed like a good idea at the time y'know...

Kellar: The things you do when you're drunk..

Sean: Drunk?

Kellar: Never mind... let's talk strategy...

Sean: Great! First round's on me!

Kellar: What?

Sean: I thought we were going to the pub?

Kellar: Why did you think that?

Sean: Strategy meetings should always be held in pubs! It's the British and Irish way! Football teams, rugby teams, boxers...

Kellar: Not this time, Dyna!

~Kellar turns to see that Dyna has found "that book" and has opened the bookcase, she dissappeared down the steps~

Kellar: Oh shit...

Sean: Now how do you not notice your manager finding a secret bookcase and disappearing into it?

Kellar: Well it's quite easy when your Irish housemate decides to descend through your ceiling without warning because it "seems like a good idea"

Dyna: JON!!! WHAT THE HE....

Kellar: You know what... the pub sounds good... I'm gonna need a stiff drink to explain this to Dyna...

Sean: Kellar, there's not enough Guinness in the world that could make you convincing...

Kellar: What are you talking about, it's for her! I'm hoping if I get her drunk enough she'll forget about it!

Sean: Oh... like that time you when you first got together...

Kellar: You're going the right way for a fat lip O'Gara... 

Kev: I'm driving!

Sean: No you're not
Kellar: No you're not!

Kev: Oh come on... Sean's been drinking and Jon's got a lot on his mind... it makes perfect sense. What's the worst that could happen?

CUT TO AN HOUR LATER, WHERE KELLAR'S PORSHE IS BEING FISHED OUT OF A RIVER BY A LARGE CRANE, AND THE THREE MEMBERS OF THE TOXIC TRIO ARE STANDING ON THE BRIDGE SOAKING WET AND COVERED IN GREEN PLANTS

Kev: Oh.... the OTHER left...

Kellar: 15 drives... 15 wrecked cars... how the hell does he do it?

Sean:  Some questions are better left unanswered....

~Kellar and Sean stare at eachother in disbelief as a mechanic walks up~

Mech: Ok guys... we're contractually obligated to give you a lift anywhere you want... so where's it gonna be?

Kellar: Pub

Sean: Pub

Kev: Strip joint!!!

~Kellar smacks Kev over the back of the head~

CUT TO THE PUB

~Kellar is on his cellphone, as Sean and Kev sit there drinking their pints~

Kellar: Hello speedy-fast emergency insurance 24 hour fastrack hotline? Ah good, can I... yes I'll hold...

~The screen fades, and when it returns Kev and Sean are surrounded by empty pint glasses~

Kellar: If I have to hear "Greensleeves" once more I'll rip someone's larynx out and make them swallow it...

Kev: Not... it... ugh!

Sean: Blurb!

Kellar: Oh... and now it's yellow submarine! Sheesh... preferred customer my ass!

Sean: You know Jon... you need to looooooosen up... get with the program... go away for a while and....

~Sean collapses over the table~

Kellar: You know I've always wondered how he pulls off those incredible stunts and lives, but the truth is I think the Guinness destroyed his ability to feel pain a long time ago...

Kev: YEAH!

Kellar: Don't shout!

Kev: OI!!! YOU FUCK!!! STOP STARING AT ME!!! YEAH YOU, QUIT POINTING ASSHOLE!

Kellar: Kev that's a mirror... shut up... hello? 

Kev: PFF! That's his story!

Kellar: Oh thank God! It's Jon Kellar here, I'm afraid Kev Mania has... yes it'll be the usual... thank you! Yes do you want her number... you've got it? Excellent. Goodbye! 

~He flips his phone shut~

Kellar: Excellent, Dyna will sort that out, and I'll have another car within the next couple of weeks...

Kev: Dyna's usefull... I like her... sheeeeeeeee's.....

~Kev falls asleep and falls off his stool.~

Kellar: Well... what a productive meeting this has been... I feel we've made great progress!

Sean: Shut up you tart...

~Kellar picks up his pint~

Kellar: Vive la revolution!!!

~He takes a sip as the scene fades~

 

WE ARE EVERYONE, WE ARE NO-ONE, WE ARE TOXIN, THE REVOLUTION BEGINS...