Starring: "Human Dynamite" Jon Kellar,
*SPECIAL GUEST STAR*
Paul Sandler as Zander Frost
~Kellarvision goes on the air and Jon Kellar has just finished watching Zander Frost's two latest broadcasts. He presses the stop button on the video recorder and then ejects the tape, before handing it to a techie wearing a Kellarvision t-shirt~
Kellar: There, now you're sure you know what to do with this?
~The techie nods~
Kellar: Good... so no fires this time ok?
~The techie shakes his head~
Kellar: Good... so go and sort it out!
~Off scurries the techie, almost bumping into Dyna as she enters the room~
Dyna: I take it you saw the HKWF broadcast?
Kellar: No Dyna, I have in fact been living in a cave for the last week, with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut...
Dyna: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit...
Kellar: ... your knickers stink.
Dyna: Good comeback... but seriously, what did you think.
Kellar: About what? Frost?
Dyna: No... about the colour of the new tablecloth
Kellar: Sarcasm is the lowe...
Dyna: JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!
Kellar: Look, Zander Frost is just doing the generic "hardcore nutcase" act that everyone goes through at some point or other. I mean remember when Kev went through it?
FLASHBACK TO THE REST PERIOD KELLAR HAD BEFORE GZW
~Kev is in a ring opposite a wrestling student, with Kellar watching on~
Kellar: Ok kid... as you know Kev is a wrestler with an amateur background, so he's going to show you some rest h...
~Kev suddenly lets out a primal scream and clotheslines the kid out of his boots, before throwing him out of the ring and through a table, he then grabs a chair and hammers away at the student for a while, then throws him into the ring post so that he ends up lying prone across the steel steps.~
Kellar: Oh.... kay... why?
Kev: *Homer Simpson style "I dunno" mumble*
Kev: Yeah... I'm done.
BACK TO THE PRESENT
Kellar: Heh... that kid couldn't walk afterwards.
Dyna: Yes I remember Kev's famous attempt at an out of court settlement...
Kellar: "I'll get you a replacement"
Dyna: That's the one...
Kellar: Look, the point is if I had a fiver, no... a pound... nah make that a penny for every time some hack has threatened to kill me in a wrestling ring I'd never need to take another booking, I'd just live off the proceeds! What makes Zander Frost different?
Dyna: He hung someone off a steel cage... don't remember any of the others doing that.
Kellar: Keep it relevant Dyna... what's he going to hang me off in a tables match? A table? A 5 year old can see the flaw in that logic.
Dyna: It's not just a tables match Jon... it's a 50 First Tables match!
Kellar: A what?
Dyna: 50 First Tables match... you have to put your opponent through 50 tables in order to win the match.
Kellar: Well that would explain Zander's slightly unhealthy desire to throw his colleagues through tables... but then Zander having an obsession with wood shouldnt really surprise me I suppose.
Dyna: So what are you going to do?
Kellar: Well clearly this man is in need of some kind of therapy, and I'm just the man to give it to him. So I've invited him to make a special guest appearance on Kellarvision, in a new show which I like to call "Kellar meets..." and while he may not deserve such an honour... considering he is my opponent at Heatwave II I've decided he's the best of a bad lot.
Dyna: Why do I get the feeling there's something you're not telling me?
Kellar: Zander Frost will be on the show, I'm going to ask him a few questions... it'll be fine! Now come on... let's get started!!!
Have you had your Weetabix?
Weetabix, for a long healthy life
(Zander Frost is advised to avoid them for the above reason)
~The (paid) audience applauds as Jon Kellar steps onto the newly built interview set which has two large comfy armchairs on either side of a glass topped table. Behind them is a brilliant (painted) view of London's skyline. Kellar enters and sits down in one of the chairs, waits for the music to stop, then faces the camera~
Kellar: Hello and welcome to "Kellar meets", the newest of our shows here on Kellarvision. For those of you who couldn't wait until the Pay Per View to see me on an interview show, here I am! And speaking of the Pay Per View, who better to have as my first guest than my own opponent... Ladies and Gentlemen the Hardcore Legend, HKWF Hardcore Champion, and second only to yours truly in the table of great modern hardcore competitors.... Zander Frost!!!
~Enter former UCW interviewer Paul Sandler, dressed as Zander Frost, and looking pissed off at the whole thing. Kellar stands up and shakes him warmly by the hand, before wiping his hand on his trousers and inviting "Zander" to sit down. Kellar quickly looks to someone out in the wings~
Kellar: Ready? Good... so Zander. Nice of you to join us...
"Zander": Look at me now Mommy... your baby boy!!!
~Paul's mouth moves, but it is quite clear to anyone with eyes and ears that the sound is coming from elsewhere~
Kellar: Yes I'm sure being on the show and opposite a superstar such as myself must be a dream come true for you.
"Zander": Is true-
Kellar: Well I'm flattered... really, but you don't have to be so worshipping.
"Zander": Who can truly blame *tape warp noise* me?
~Kellar leans out towards the wings again~
Kellar: Keep it simple guys!!!!
~He turns back to "Zander"~
Kellar: So Zander, on the 30th of June you and I will square off in a 50 First Tables match for my Extreme Heavyweight Title... I mean, you know that there's only going to be one winner. Me!
"Zander": Is true-
Kellar: But you never know, you may have a chance. You may pull it off...
Kellar: Yeah you're right.... that's not going to happen. But hey, at least you've got your fans right?
Kellar: Yes you've mentioned her, but is there anyone else you'd like to say hi too before we move on to viewer mail?
"Zander": "boy scout"
Kellar: A boy scout? Does that mean what I think it means?
"Zander": Is true-
Kellar: Well, it is 2005... I don't judge! But if you don't mind me asking, how many times...
"Zander": 50 TIMES!!!
Kellar: Wow!!! Well... given that information, why are you so "interested" in my manager Dyna? I mean she doesn't strike me as being your type given what you've just told me.
"Zander": I'm gonna f*ck that pretty mouthed little wench of yours too.
~Kellar acts taken aback by this~
Kellar: You're a foul individual you know that?
"Zander": Is true-
Kellar: And the fact is that if you died in that ring on June 30th there's not a single person who would miss you.
Kellar: No not even her...
"Zander": Is true-
Kellar: So why have you volunteered for this match Zander? I mean you've already accepted that you have no chance of beating me, we've established that you're a womanising, sickening, talentless little s**t, and that not even your mother wants you to win this match... so what have you got that makes you worthy of challenging Jon Kellar for his title?
"Zander": Watch this!
Kellar: That's it?
"Zander": "Wait... Wait for it!"
Kellar: Oh my God!!! Can someone open a window??? Ugh!!!
"Zander": *deep throatful laugh*
Kellar: Ugh! People like you should be shot
"Zander": Tis true...
Kellar: Well... lets move on to the viewer mail shall we? *cough* First Question: Zander Frost, how many times have you had sex with horses?
"Zander": 50 times!!!
Kellar: Alright that's it... shows over, goodnight America!!!
~Kellar picks up a chair and smacks "Zander" over the head with it, then throws him through the glass table~
Now especially welcoming people with the second name "Frost", extra wine for those with a Z in their first name
~Kellar has changed back into his "Human Dynamite" t-shirt and jeans, as Paul Sandler is wheeled away on a hospital trolley~
Kellar: Well... that went well I think
Dyna: Great... now you've managed to undoubtedly piss him off even more which only makes me more worried...
Kellar: For the 500th time nothing is going to happen to you Dyna... I'll be with you before my match begins, Kev will protect you during my match, and after my match Zander wont even be physically capable of doing anything to you! You're perfectly safe!!!
Dyna: I wish I had your confidence...
Kellar: Right now I feel like I could taken the whole world and win... which reminds me... OPEN SEASON!!!!!
Dyna: What the?
~Kev runs onto the screen wearing a referee's outfit and carrying a bell. A hidden door opens and out runs "Mr Big" Nathan W. Kellar ducks a clothesline, before grabbing him round the neck in the "Justified" position, running along for a while then promptly drilling him through the nearest table. Kev rings the bell and raises Kellar's hand. Kellar turns to the camera~
Kellar: Yes ladies and gentlemen, open season! Every superstar in the development territories is invited to take part. When I came into GZW my first step on the road to immortality was winning the GZW Extreme Heavyweight Title, and now it's YOUR chance to try and make an impact. From here until the start of the Pay Per View my title is on the line 24/7 to any rookie looking to make a name for himself. Open Season is now underway... so bring it on!!!!
~Kellar turns to Dyna~
Kellar: Well... if the only language Zander speaks is "beating the crap out of rookies", I think I should at least try to communicate with him. Plus I need to keep myself practiced right?
~Dyna shakes her head as the scene fades~