KELLARVISION IS NOW BROADCASTING

SEALED WITH AN X


Haven't we been here before?

Starring: Jon Kellar, Sean O'Gara, Dyna Might, Kev Mania


~A black screen, and a voice echoing through the darkness~

Kellar's voice: Haven't we been here before?

~A spotlight slowly fades in, highlighting a pedestal in the corner of the screen. There are footsteps as a figure approaches, and reaches out with a gloved hand, placing a large trophy upon it~

Kellar's voice: The meeting of the greatest superstars GZW has to offer...

Nelson's voice: KELLAR'S WON IT! WE HAVE A CREATION CHAMPION! WE HAVE OUR SEVENTH WINNER OF THE CONTEST OF CHAMPIONS! JON KELLAR...

~The image of Jon Kellar lifting the trophy fades onto the screen, and then off again~

Kellar's voice: Let it be made clear once again that Jon Kellar does not make promises he cannot keep... a fact unique to him it seems. Everyone else in GZW is so busy exercising their jaw muscles that they fail to open their eyes and see the inevitable... on the one hand I see old friends.... *snap*

CUT TO A SET OF CUTSCENES

~Vyle fades in~

“You're a sick man, Root. You’ve made it personal. If anybody thinks I was mean to Jay, you’ve seen nothing. Root, Al Qaida issued a jihad against America, and we’ve been kicking their ass for four years. Nothing you can do can hurt me. Shane Ryder made you his bitch at Crimson and I made Shane Ryder my bitch the week before. Do the maths, Amun."

~Vyle fades out, Root fades in~

The point is GZW…no one can stop destiny…not me, not you, not even a walking pretend corpse named Necron! Who from what I hear is looking for his next victim to power some device that keeps him alive! For that matter, you might as well grab The Lone Gunman…but remember to tell him that this isn’t Texas and The Root isn’t JFK so there is no sense in trying to make my head ASPLODE!!! But you can tell him, just like the rest of the locker room, that the Crown Prince of GZW is back and this time….It’s JIHAD!!!

~Root fades out, Quake fades in~

"Much like I don't forget that I am UNBEATEN in GZW. My shoulders have not been down for longer than 3 seconds in months and you think this will change at Glory Through Honour? Are you kidding. Chris Cairns and Vyle are the only men in this competition who have any "Honour". The rest of you are scabs. Typical GZW scabs you can only be changed by getting a beating from the Television Champion. I am the only man in GZW who has the ability to take someone like...Seven for example and take him to a match that people will remember. Which is why I deserve to be a Lord!"

~Quake fades out, Jimmy Williams fades in~

"Let me answer those questions for you, NO! Now get the fuck out of my dressing room before I remove you by force pretty boy. I'm the last person you wanna cross right now and you can bank on that."

~Jimmy Williams fades out, Vernon Vanderbilt fades in~

"From my uber-stylish boots to my perfectly mussed hair, I am the epitome of perseverence, heart, and talent. In a sport full of selfish and cowardly men, I am anomalous. I fight for honour and glamour. I am the Emperor of Entertainment, the Furnace of Fabulosity, Vernon "Victory" Vanderbilt, and soon I shall be Lord of all I survey. Listen to the V-vangelists, people, for they speak naught but the truth. Salvation is coming, and it's drop dead gorgeous. A new hero shall rise, and GZW2K1 shall be liberated by my glorious fist. Remember the name. You'll be screaming it very soon."

~Vernon fades out, Seven fades in~

Heros of your time, Nathan Williams, Zac Sharp, Vernon Vanderbilt will all be subject to defeat, John Taylor and Seth Raide are rumored to end up in the finals, to set up yet again another dismally pathetic matchup pitting two men slow in speed and slow in ability, undeservingly preserved for the final showdown. But what is the whole GODDAMN world going to think when It's me in place of either one of those individuals walking out in the final Showdown to proclaim my rightful spot as the Immortal superstar, when it's me whose proclaimed The New World Heavyweight champion and Lord of the Coliseum and symbolically LORD....OF THE...HARVEST.

~Seven fades out, Kellar fades in, and snaps his fingers~

BACK TO REALITY

~Still hidden, Kellar continues~

Kellar's voice: You know... it's a pleasing thing to know that while I was away having that minor operation that things didn't change. There's always a comfort when you come back from a break and find that everything is just as you left it... it makes you feel more relaxed... more at home. However, I find no comfort in the fact that these men are representing our great company in the greatest tournament of them all, the Lord of the Coliseum eliminator... it makes me sick that all these months after my crushing victory over each and everyone one of them in the contest of champions they're still repeating the same mistakes... have I taught them nothing? Quake is still placing himself on a plain he cannot possibly live up to, Seven is still screaming in a loud voice to anyone who cares to listen, which is no one, Vyle continues to try to be something he isn't. Root is still pissed off about that incident when he was 5 years old with gift shop running out of American flags just as he got to the front of the queue, Vernon Vanderbilt is covering himself with makeup to divert attention from his non-existent win over me, and Jimmy Williams... still has A JOB??????!!!!!

~Kellar passes in front of the camera for a split second, but all that is shown is the fact that the trophy which the camera is still focused on disappears from sight for a split second~

Kellar's voice: And as for why Root is picturing Vernon Vanderbilt on his knees under a desk... who really wants to know?

~Another spotlight flicks on revealing a giant read leather armchair, Kellar enters the light and sits in the chair, wearing a smart suit and carrying a large red book~

Kellar: Oh yes... Jon Kellar, the Human Dynamite, and Extreme Heavyweight Champion still has his acid tongue... Vernon if you're watching get rid of that mental image right now... and I am furious with just how pathetic you all are. Did the Contest of Champions teach you nothing about what it takes to win? You, my pathetic co-workers, will be crushed beneath the wheels of the toXin revolutionary machine, which even now is crushing resistance in it's path. The Misfits shall serve as the starting point of toXin's journey to wrestling dominance, and you will find yourself as chapters in that very same book should you fail to meet the criteria which I am defining even as we speak.

~Kellar opens the book and begins reading~

Kellar: Even the veterans falter... *snap*

~As Kellar snaps his fingers another spotlight appears, and an almost holographic projection of Zac Sharp appears in it~

ZAC SHARP FADES IN

I’m a Lone Ace… and unlike the rest I’ve got no problem shattering the ceiling you’ve placed. My name is Zachary Sharp, and I’m very pleased to finally meet you.

ZAC FADES OUT

Kellar: Oh yes old chap... it's so positively wonderful to meet you... would you care for a crumpet? But what's this... is it possible that Ace Boy has balls??? *snap*

ZAC SHARP FADES IN

It will be great to see the likes of Quake, Vyle, Kellar, Gunman, and even our esteemed World Heavyweight Champion when one days the same “queer” they bash on constantly, pins them to the mat and shows the world just how fucking pathetic they are in the end.”

ZAC FADES OUT

Kellar: Don't flatter yourself arsewipe, I haven't given you a second thought. You helped Dyna out not so long ago and I thank you for it, but if you think I'm going to warm to you then you are very much mistaken. Also, what you do in the comfort of your own home is your own business, but I'd rather you didn't think about me bashing on you... especially if you're the type who genuinely wants to grapple with Vernon Vandebilt most of all come the tournament... but hey... I interrupted you... please continue... *snap*

ZAC SHARP FADES IN

“From one half of a group who wants to kill GZW through crappy comedy to a man and his followers who just got so tired of not getting there way they wanted themselves to “be in control” of a Championship. It’s so darn cute that you believe your in “control” of that Extreme Heavyweight Championship, Jon Kellar. So cute and yet almost the kind of cute that makes a grown man wanna throw up because in the end it’s far from cute and more just plain fucking dumb. Dance around with that Extreme Heavyweight Championship and PRAY that what looks like you just being a plain old pussy and being afraid to even face Zander Frost, let alone anyone else, comes across somehow as bravery and the “new look” GZW is looking for. Personally, I think you’re a joke. I know I’m not one to talk about flukes or cheap wins, god forbid, but when a man not only needs a STABLE but a force the size of the fucking US Army, then why the hell would any company want you as there figurehead. You fucking douche. People call me a fluke and a cheap little bastard. What the hell does that make you? And come Lord of the Coliseum when it’s a sold out show due to well, your PAID followers, buying half the tickets then you know what Jon Kellar? Perhaps you have a chance in hell. You can be “in control” and feel safe and at home because for the rest of your career you can hide the fact you have no talent in the ring and no real talent at promos behind the fact you own your own private army who will constantly bail your ass out. And hell if they don’t get you airtime, thankfully God sent Zander Frost to drag your ass along with his as he makes his way up the ladder! Jesus, maybe you and Vyle are really on to something here? I mean, fuck, it worked for me with Monarch didn’t it?”

ZAC FADES OUT

Kellar: Phew!!! Bad case of gas there!!!

~Kellar leans back in the chair and is about to snap his fingers again, when he pauses~

Kellar: Oh that was you TALKING was it? Oh... my mistake! Obviously that's the smell of.... nah, I can't bring myself to say it, I'll leave the cliches to Seven and Williams, but you Zac... you appear to talking out of an orifice other than your mouth, if you catch my drift.... sorry if that's a little complicated for you, I'll give you a minute to go and look up orifice in the dictionary while I talk about someone more worthy of my attention... Seth m'boy! My old pile of shit-for-brains. How's it going? *snap*

SETH RAIDE FADES IN

Don’t tell me you’re surprised?”

SETH FADES OUT

Kellar: Surprised? No... Ill? Yes... but then looking at your ugly mush that's understandable... do continue *snap*

~Nothing happens, Kellar looks at his fingers~

Kellar: Are these things on? *snap*

~Again nothing~

Kellar: Well apparently Seth has nothing more to say on the Lord of the Coliseum as he's too busy trying to dodge calls from a bloke he apparently met "that night" when something squeamish and disgusting happened? Do we want to know more? I think not... so let's move on shall we.

~Kellar turns the page~

Kellar: Oh by the way Zac, a dictionary is a big book with words in it, and orifice begins with an 'o'...

~He turns another page~

Kellar: Johnny boy... how are you my old friend? How's life been treating you?

JOHN TAYLOR FADES IN

We're all destined to fail, Necron. Nobody ever truly succeeds when it comes down to it.

You've done well in tearing apart my first line of meagre offence, but for what? That's nothing but a Christmas cracker. A small, short-term success. I know enough about you to know that you just don't do 'short term'. You're smart enough not to celebrate this early, right? Of course you are. We both are, believe it or not.

You're smart enough to so thoroughly dissect my opening statement, but I was smart enough to leave it there for you in the first place. Acknowledge it or not, it was bottom-of-the-barrel bait - leftovers from my repertoire of ten years ago. Like the blood-thirsty pike you shot right for it. I would say hook, line and sinker but that would only be almost unique, correct? Little monkey or not, I wouldn't want that, would I? But, wait. Even mentioning the cliché that I did in the contex....
*snap*

HE PAUSES

Kellar: Fred, is this going to take long.... don't fucking shrug your shoulders at me you prick, you're the programme director now is this going to take long... if so either fast forward it or give me something to fill the time, like trying to get a straight answer out of George Bush... no fast forward? Right... see you in an minute *snap*

~A lot of Necro bashing later~

George Bush: And that, Mr Kellar, is my straight answer.

Kellar: Thank you George, we must do this again sometime... have a banana

George Bush: I will not forget the service you have done for me on this very day... for I...

Kellar: Get out...

George Bush: Ok...

Kellar: Now.. onto the relevant bit...

JOHN TAYLOR FADES IN

Selfishness... A (One last?) grab to rekindle the material success I've enjoyed - as briefly as it was - in the past. I'm no Good Samaritan. I'm no Saint. I'll admit it openly: I will do what it takes to capture the Lord Of The Coliseum crown for the second time. I'll put on Match-Of-The-Year-Contender after Match-Of-The-Year-Contender with whoever steps in front of me, just to remind myself what it was that fuelled my fire for so long. Without intending to sound as though I'm writing our match off, Necron, it will certainly unfold as an excellent training exercise. A win over Necron, arguably the best from the 'other side', leading into the qualifiers will shut a lot of people the fuck up. 

It'll tell quite a story when soon-to-be-defending Lord John Taylor begins the month of his professional life, 'warming up' against you, Necron, a dark horse for Lord Of The Coliseum yourself, while our World Heavyweight Champion Seth Raide valiantly defends against Nathan fucking Williams and Seven, right before his BYE into the tournament itself. Quite a fucking story indeed.

HE PAUSES

Kellar: Tsk tsk... John... so selfish... so arrogant... so greedy, it's almost like looking in a mirror and I love it, but you said it yourself, your light is extinguished. For you, this is a mission to rekindle what you've already lost. My advice to you, let it go John. You failed to eliminate me in the Contest of Champions when you had the chance... and now you're going to put yourself through all that again, just to prove you can still get it done. John, I'd hate to see a guy like you fall from grace in such an ugly fashion, but deep down inside you know full well that if we are paired off in that draw at Glory Through Honour you haven't got a snowballs chance in hell of avoiding that fate. I'm the future of this company and you know it... so do everyone a favour and walk away while you still have a legacy to be proud of... 

~Kellar slumps back~

Kellar: Don't go anywhere people, I'm not done yet! I'll be right back after this:

ADVERTISEMENT

ARE YOU DELUSIONAL?

DO YOU STILL FEEL YOU CAN GET IT DONE WHEN THOSE DAYS ARE LONG BEHIND YOU?

 

HELP IS AT HAND

WRESTLAGRA CAN HELP YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GOD'S GIFT TO WRESTLING, EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE IT WORKING

PROBABLE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE TOTAL LOSS OF TALENT, BUT DON'T WORRY MR N. WILLIAMS, WE WON'T NAME YOU... OH SHIT...

BACK TO PROGRAMMING

Kellar: Now, just so that Zachy boy doesn't fell I've forgotten him, I think I should answer the points he made about me.

~Kellar raises his middle finger~

Kellar: Shut your mouth you whiny little bitch-whore. While you were boring people to death in this company I was single handedly packing out buildings up and down the country. I've got a title, you don't. You had a title reign everyone who watched would rather forget, I've revitalized a dead title. I stole the show at the last Pay Per View, you had to produce 3 forms of ID before they even let you in the building, and if you think you genuinely have the best chance of winning the Lord of the Coliseum then you're obviously a frequent taker of Wrestlagra. "Wah wah...Personally, I think you're a joke boo hoo" Personally Zac, I don't give a flying monkey scented fuck what you think... so spare my ears the pain and keep your mouth shut. Shut is spelt with an s, go and look it up, and please control your inane and childish laughter when you discover there's a rude word just above it. While you're at it, look up the word "brain" and find out what one is. Most of us learn that by experience but for you we have to bend that rule a little... Ta-Ra!

~Kellar turns the page once more~

Kellar: And then of course, we have NeCron, aka Seven Mark 2...

~Kellar frowns, then starts playing up~

Kellar: OH JOHN TAYLOR... JOHN TAYLOR... JOHN TAYLOR... JOHN TAYLOR... I WANT YOU, I'M GOING TO GET YOU, UH! UH! UH! UH! UH! UH! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

~He goes back to being his calm collected self~

Kellar: The only thing worse than having ONE Seven in this company is having two... so for the sanity of those around me I pray you two get drawn together in the qualifying matches so that one can rise up and destroy the other... before dying from the wounds of the great battle... and then we can all finally a bit of peace... so... who does that leave?

~Kellar turns the page~

Kellar: Chris Cairns.......... is this a joke? Dude, you're a chat show host nowadays. Surely the only time you want to be in the ring with me is to ask me questions or hand me a trophy? Come on "mate"... are you completely insane... oh wait, I've read your columns... you are. Well Chris, don't say I didn't warn you if you're the unfortunate soul who gets drawn opposite me. It's gonna take more than those eyebrows to save your sorry ass from the toXicutter...

~Kellar turns the page once more~

Kellar: Who the fuck is Eddie Fever?

~He slams the book shut~

Kellar: Gentlemen... gentlemen... gentlemen... and whatever the hell Vernon is nowadays. Whilst I thoroughly enjoy listening to your voices, are you truly serious? I mean each and every one of you who faced me in the Contest of Champions saw what I could do against the odds, and yet you continue to dismiss me out of hand... and the new kids like Eddie Fever and Necron have had the pleasure of seeing me walk around with the Extreme Heavyweight Title around my waist, and come Sunday Storm they will continue to see that sight regardless of whichever unfortunate victim gets in my way. I have no problem with people living in a fantasy world... when they're kids... but come on guys, it's time to grow up. You know, I know, and every single man watching our shows knows that there's only one guy walking away with the Lordship of the Coliseum... and that's the Human Dynamite.

~Kellar stands up~

Kellar: Now if you'll excuse me Gentlemen, I have a Sunday Storm main event to attend, and even if I didn't, do you think I would miss my good friend Zander Frost in his last ever match? 

~Kellar chuckles and walks of the screen, the lights turn off and the sceen is totally black, until one final message fades in in Gold Plated writing~

LORD OF THE COLISEUM 2005

"HUMAN DYNAMITE" JON KELLAR

"BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE DESERVED IT MORE"