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Personal journal entry of
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Monday June 30, 2003



Death.


To most people this one simple word means the end. However for me, it always seems to be merely the beginning.

Life is funny when you’re just a kid. You think that you have everything all worked out. You know where you’re going and exactly what you need to do to get there. You also think you know who you are going to be with. Then something happens that changes all your plans, everything you’ve worked for and totally fucks you up forever.

You see, the first time it happened I was just that, a kid. The funny thing is it’s the only time I really remember it. The other times it was more like a dream, almost as if I was on the outside watching it happen to somebody else. But the first time… No matter how I try, I cannot forget it. My senses still fill that void in my soul with the memory of the sights, the sounds, the smells… the taste of her. I will carry these with me, always.

Trish and I had known each other for years before we got married. I used to see her every day at the gym while I was training, though I could never muster up the courage to talk to her. She seemed like an untouchable goddess you know? Like myself, she was a gymnast. So it goes without saying that she had a perfect body. However there was something else about her that was truly captivating. After all, perfect bodies surrounded me on a daily basis, so there was something else about her that I could never really put my finger on. Perhaps it was my sub-conscious mind telling me that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with her. Or it could have been those eyes, her immaculate deep green eyes. I’m sure that I wasn’t the only man to ever look into those eyes, those two perfect jewels, and see their future.

Looking back now I can count on one hand the days that I have been truly happy. The day when Trish and I first got together was one of those days. I had suffered a hamstring injury at a meet two weeks prior, so I was desperately working out in an effort to keep myself in shape while the leg healed. One night when I thought I was alone, I decided to really push myself on the pummel horse. The moment I started my routine I knew something was wrong. That’s when I discovered that in my haste I had forgotten to chalk up properly. But I decided to keep going due to the fact that I was young and therefore invincible. I paid for that mistake just a few minutes later when my right hand slipped and I found myself heading for the mat below, face first. I laid there motionless for a few minutes, trying to figure out what went wrong when suddenly out of the darkness came a sound, the sound of clapping… sarcastic clapping. Quickly I spun around to discover, it was her.

I was mortified and sat there stunned as she walked towards me. God she looked so beautiful. Her chocolate colored hair was down and hanging down over her shoulders, accentuating her face and mostly her soft white cheekbones. She was simply wearing a faded pair of old blue jeans, a loose brown sweater and some old worn-out sneakers, but she looked more glamorous then any Hollywood movie star to me. Years later we would argue about this but I remember exactly what she was wearing that night, exactly.

She came over and offered me a hand. I still sat there in complete embarrassment as she asked me if I was all right. I finally found my voice and told her that I was. It turns out that she had come back because she had forgotten her bag, however when she saw that I was working out she had decided to stop and watch. Once more I found myself at a loss for words until I finally blurted out that I had been watching her too. Yet again my face turned a deep shade of red, this time however it had nothing to do with the gym mat that had slammed into it, I realized what I had just said and stammered to find some sort of graceful way of not letting her think I was a stalker. She saw my frustration and let out a giggle, the sweetest noise I have ever heard in my life. At that moment I knew that things were going to be all right and I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner. She smiled and nodded. My heart was doing back flips.

Over the meal my shyness melted away as we talked about everything, our families, our friends, hopes, dreams, fears… it was like we were two old friends reminiscing about our times back in high school, rather then two people who had only formally met three hours ago. In fact I think that is the moment I started to fall in love with her as I gazed across the table at her and she at me. I knew that we were intended to be there at that exact moment, the fates had aligned and we were facing our destiny.

We made love that night and she fell asleep in my arms. I remember watching her face and thinking how incredibly lucky I actually was. As I slowly fell asleep a smile crossed my face, like I say it was one of the days in my life that I can truly say that I was happy.

Time seemed to move at an incredible rate after that. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years. Before long Trish and I decided it was time to get married. Now two members of the Olympic gymnastics team cannot simply get married; the sanctioning body frowns upon that type of thing. So one day when we had a meet in southern California we rented a car and drove to Vegas. We had no choice but to elope. However to us it was just as if we got married by the Pope in the Vatican, we didn’t care as long as we were together.

Gymnastics is a funny sport. It’s a lot like tennis in the fact that the younger you are the better you seem to be at it, unfortunately for me. Trish and I had only been married for a couple of months before I started to notice the younger guys moving up on me. At first I tried to take on a leadership role. I tried to become their mentor, however they all had coaches and they soon made it very clear that they didn’t need or want me hanging around. I was twenty years old and I was over the hill. Not a great feeling for anyone. Depression soon followed and I became more and more distant from everyone around me, everyone except Trish that is. She was wonderful; she always knew exactly what to say to cheer me up. With her help we figured out that I could go into coaching while she finished off her career.

The other funny thing about gymnastics is that fact that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to compete while your pregnant, something that Trish found out just a couple of weeks later. She stood in that bathroom for two hours staring at that little stick before she came into the living room and told me the news. I remember sitting there silent for what seemed like forever. The look on her face was one of shock combined with apprehension as she waited for my response. All I had to do was look into her eyes, her beautiful eyes, and I knew what I was going to say. I raised my head and a smile crossed my lips. She breathed out a huge sigh and ran over to me. I knew that she was happy, that made me happy. Together it seemed like there was no obstacle that came our way that couldn’t be worked out.

Obviously Trish had to quit the team, however fortune smiled upon us one day when Roger, my former coach, gave me a call. He told me that he was planning on retiring and he was going to recommend me to be his replacement. Suddenly all our worries were over, my beautiful wife and I were going to have a child and I was going to be a coach for the Canadian national gymnastics team. We were going to be set for life. Little did I know how short that was going to turn out to be.

Roger was known to throw the wildest parties. The night of his retirement was no exception. Trish was seven months pregnant at the time but still wanted to attend, after all there were going to be a lot of her friends there that she hadn’t seen since she had quit and she wanted to find out all the latest gossip from around the circuit. As for me, I found this to be the perfect opportunity to not only say farewell to the man who made me what I was, but a great opportunity to kiss up to the people who were going to be my new bosses. So I hung on to Rog as he walked me though the VIP’s.

As a former athlete I used to never drink. Old Roger could always put away more booze then anyone I had ever met. So it was tough trying to keep up with him, but somehow I managed. All of the rye, vodka and mystery shooters went straight to my head.

I don’t really remember how long we stayed that night. It could have been two hours it could have been four. However I do remember feeling a tug on my shirtsleeve. I turned around and saw Trish, my sweet wife. She was ready to go. I was a little annoyed but figured that she was very pregnant and obviously tired. I told her to go sit in the car for a moment and I would be right out. She smiled at me and I looked deeply into her eyes, only for an instant, but I do remember it today like it was yesterday.

It only took me a second to say my good-byes and I stumbled out to the parking lot. Trish was asleep in the passenger side as I hopped in and started the car. Maybe if she had been awake she would have seen the condition I was in and she would have offered to drive, maybe if I had a brain in my head and called a cab… maybe if I hadn’t driven down that particular road…

Sometimes at night when I close my eyes I can still see it. I see those lights.

I wish back then I had seen them sooner. I wish I hadn’t been looking in the wrong place. I wish that I hadn’t noticed them at the last minute. I wish that I didn’t lose control of the car.

I remember clearly sitting in the car, tipped over in the ditch. I remember looking over at Trish; she still looked so beautiful, even with that trickle of blood running down her forehead. She sat there, motionless. I called out to her. I wanted her to wake up. Tears filled my eyes as I begged her to wake up. I just wanted to see those eyes, those eyes that told me everything was going to be all right.

She didn’t wake up.

They rushed us to the hospital, I was sobbing uncontrollably. They took Trish to a different room and they wouldn’t tell me why or what was happening. Nurses attended to my forehead and took me to x-rays. They then handed me something and told me to drink. I swallowed the liquid and began to plead with them to let me see my wife. They asked me to be quiet and suddenly I began to feel very tired. I looked down at the small paper cup that I held in my hand a realized they had given me a sedative, a very powerful one at that. Before I could protest I fell into a deep sleep.

I didn’t dream during that sleep. At least I don’t remember it if I did. All I remember is a feeling of anxiety waiting to see my wife. Waiting to find out what was going on. When you sleep you usually forget the things that are going on around you. This time I was fully aware of my situation, and I knew what was waiting for me when I woke up.

My eyes fluttered slightly. The room was slowly coming into focus and it was bright. The summer daylight was pouring through the window and I found it difficult to see. As I slowly became accustomed to my surroundings the door opened and a nurse walked in. I asked her right away to see my wife. She looked at me for a moment and told me to wait a minute. As she left the room my heart began to race and I started to try to get out of the bed I was lying in. That’s when I noticed the person laying in the room with me. The largest man I had ever seen. His face was covered in bandages but his eyes were wide open and staring at me.

Just then the door opened again. A doctor walked in and asked me to sit down. I stood for a few seconds and did as he asked. His head was down as he spoke to me. He never once made eye contact. In a cool uncaring voice he told me… my wife was dead.

My throat suddenly constricted and I began to bawl. Once again he began to speak. He told me that they had to remove the child from her. A baby girl, I had a daughter. She lived for three hours before her little heart gave up. My little girl lived her whole life while I was unconscious.

I looked at the doctor and I told him that I wanted to see them. He looked a little confused and I started to demand to be allowed to view the bodies. The doctor wasn’t sure what to do when suddenly the large man in the bed next to me spoke up. He told the doctor to let me see them in a deep commanding voice that scared him. I could tell by the look on his face.

I entered the morgue not really sure what I was hoping to achieve. All I knew is that I had to see her. I had to see them both. First I walked to the small crib they had off to the side. I remember being so frightened to lift the sheet that I almost walked away. However I eventually worked up the courage and looked at the face of my child. She was so tiny. I couldn’t believe how small she was. Tears of joy and sadness dripped down my face and I thought all I wanted to do is hold her… I wanted to comfort her… I wanted to be her daddy.

That was nearly all I could take and I covered her again. Slowly I turned and approached the table the table that held my soul mate. Once again tears filled my eyes as I slowly pulled back the white sheet. She still looked so beautiful, so peaceful. I reached over and slowly opened her eyes… Nothing. She was gone. Whatever it was that was in her eyes that I fell in love with was gone. I was alone, truly alone.

I leaned over and gently kissed her one last time, then I replaced the sheet and swiftly made my way back to my room. Once inside I collapsed on the bed and began to blubber. Trish Sanders was dead. My daughter was dead. At that moment I knew I was dead too… My life was over.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was the man from the other bed. I looked at him for a moment and then fell to the floor. Slowly he picked me up and placed me in my bed. He covered me with my blanket and then walked back to his own bed.

I had no idea the path I was about to take… I didn’t know how this man was going to affect my life, the evil that I would do and the evil that I would become. All that I did know was that Thomas Sanders… my soul… was dead.

Unfortunately death… Like I say… was only the beginning. And now in the EWF, it is happening once more. I have to ask myself… Why? Dear god why am I doing this to myself again?

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