WOLVIE TELLS IT LIKE IT IS
(Just your regular everyday highly biased and highly opinionated wrestling column)
Every Friday, report back here for my latest rant about the big-time pro-wrestling monopoly that is the World Wrestling Federation. You may not agree with my views...but that's all right, since I don't always agree with yours, either.
ROYAL RUMBLIN', BUMBLIN', STUMBLIN'
by Chris Wolvie
[Vented January 18, 2002]
The 15th annual ROYAL RUMBLE (14th on PPV)
match looks to be a star-studded slobberknocker!
It's the undercards that can't hold much water.
Oh, sure, Rock vs. Y2J was cool...the first three or four times. Having the
Undisputed WWF Title on the line isn't going to do much to help it. And what else do
we have before the one hour slug-fest?
The only women's contender who does not sell on sex going after one of the most
worthless titles around? The most unlikely Tag Team Champs of the decade so far
fighting the team they beat? The I-C Title between someone who uses brass knuckles
and someone who uses Con-chair-tos?
And two geezer co-owners in a street fight?!?
Do us all a favor, WWF, and make those matches ultra quick so that the audience doesn't
fall asleep before the real action takes place.
And, now, my official unofficial official predictions for ROYAL RUMBLE '02:
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WOMEN'S TITLE MATCH: TRISH STRATUS (Champion) vs. JAZZ (Challenger)
OK,...admittingly, I've had immense "Stratus-faction" of Trish being WWF Women's
Champ...even if I think the title should've been buried. Despite the Gravy Bowls and
Egg Nog Matches and wet T-shirt contests, Trish has proven that she can battle with the
best. Hey, you don't get your pic in "Muscle & Fitness" magazine just
for the "rack", y'know. But Jazz...she is not fetter by such inhibiting
factors as sexuality. And, because of that, she has honed her skills to the kind of
brutality once only seen by Hacksaw Jim Duggan. The Champ may have the Trish of
Death,...but Jazz is music to the purists' ears...
PREDICTION: JAZZ BY PINFALL
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TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: TAZZ & SPIKE (Champions) vs. DUDLEY BOYZ
(Challengers)
I'm still mildly stunned at Tazzzzzz and Spike upending the Dumbass Boyz for the titles.
Of course, we all know that the only reason they won was 'cause they were in Tazz's
backyard at the time. Things'll be a little different at a PPV. The one
thing that could've ruined this prediction for the Dudleyz was the attack on SMACK DOWN!;
locking Tazz in a trunk and 3-D-ing Spike on his asphalt could lead to a "remarkable
comeback" that we usually see. But, no...Dudleyz are too tough to lose again.
And, THIS time, Buh Buh Ray'll make sure to stay away from the kyrptonite known as
Stacy's backside.
PREDICTION: DUDLEY BOYZ (Buh Buh Ray pins Spike after 3-D)
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INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE RE-MATCH: EDGE (Champion) vs. WILLIAM REGAL (Challenger)
And away we go again. It took a busted beak to re-kindle this feud, the only thing
William Regal has to hang on to. Edge is still on a roll and just might be up for an
Undisputed Title shot in the near future. Edge has the Con-Chair-To, Regal has his
'knucks'. But, unless this becomes a Hardcore Rules match, Edge will keep it
clean...until Regal starts to piss him off, anyway. My prediction: Regal's 'knucks'
will be hidden under the ring this time...and he will use them!
PREDICTION: WILLIAM REGAL BY PINFALL
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STREET FIGHT: Co-Owner VINCE McMAHON vs. Co-Owner RIC FLAIR
Both men are eligible for retirement benefits. Both could kick back in their homes
with a hi-def television, watching "Best of AWA" specials on DirecTV
pay-per-views while their wives lounge in their heated pools sipping banana daiquiris. But, instead, they decide to give their HMOs something
to cringe about. Many think this is the beginning of the split that SHOULD'VE
happened earlier this month but that probably won't happen until after WRESTLEMANIA...if
ever. Nevertheless, if it's anything like the Triple H/Vince Street Fight I had the
dishonor of watching live at ARMAGEDDON '99, expect a lot of blood and gore...but not a
hell of a lot of fists. If it's like lats year's KING OF THE RING fight between
Shane and Kurt Angle...THAT might be a bit more interesting. Either way, Flair has
about, oh, 25 years more in-ring experience than Vinnie Mac, so expect him to be the
dominant owner here.
PREDICTION: RIC FLAIR
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UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: CHRIS JERICHO (Champion) vs. THE ROCK
(Challenger)
ROYAL RUMBLEs have been so-so for WWF Champs. The title's been on the line every
year since 1991 (save for 1992, when the belt was awarded to the winner of the Royal
Rumble match itself). In those ten matches, the champ has won five times, lost four
times...and fought to one double disqualification. Currently, there's a two-RR
winning streak for the Champ, with Triple H and Kurt Angle defending successfully.
Does Chris Jericho have what it takes to take out Rock one more time? Well, to get
the Undisputed Title, he got a lot of help...and there's no telling whether or not said
help will be present at this match since most of them are fighting in the big match at the
end. The Rock is riding high at this point and everyone is certain that they'll be
facing Rocky for the title at WRESTLEMANIA X-8. That's convincing enough for me that
Y2J will make it three in a row. He won the "big match" at VENGEANCE...and
damned if he's gonna let someone else steal the spotlight from him!
PREDICTION: CHRIS JERICHO BY PINFALL
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30-MAN ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH
The one we've been waiting for. 30 men draw numbers from 1 to 30. Numbers 1
and 2 start off, the next number coming in every two minutes. Battle Royal rules,
last man standing goes to W-M X-8 for the Undisputed Championship. OK...let's weed
'em out:
CHUCK & BILLY, APA, SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & ALBERT, HARDY BOYZ:
Let's get these tag teams out of the way first. Tag teams do not win battle
royals...simple as that.
MAVEN: Tazz isn't in this match, so the TOUGH ENOUGH 1 winner has
no chance.
MR. PERFECT: Well, at least he made it back into a WWF card.
And Hollywood Hogan...you can't do that! :)
(deep inhale) GOLDUST: Dustin, Dustin, Dustin...where did Dusty
and Sapphire go wrong?
GODFATHER: Wasn't he RTC last time we saw him? I doubt the
Ho Train will be allowed at ringside, so there's no reason for him to be around long.
VAL VENIS: And the other half of the tag team I called
"Supply & Demand" doesn't really belong here either if the hos ain't gonna
keep him company until AFTER the match.
o/~ CHRISTIA-A-A-A-AN o/~: Now, I could have bunched him up
with Lance Storm as a tag team and eliminated him that way...but the Euro-Trash Champ
sucks enough on his own.
LANCE STORM: See Christian
AL SNOW: What does everybody want? Him and Head to stay
behind the mike from now on.
PERRY SATURN: Seems he dumped his "too many fake blows to the
head" angle at last. Too bad it was his only endearing quality. You're
welcome...
BOSS MAN: Flunkies rarely do too well. Vince'd have a better
chance than Not-So-Big Bossman...unless he's allowed to bring his nightstick in, that is.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE: DDP? A babyface?! That's even
scarier than his angle. He likes me. I like him. And I hope that he like
him enough to get out of dodge before the heavyweights show up.
HURRICANE: Holy quick exits! The former Cruiserweight Champ
will be flying out of the ring like the Flash on a double espresso! The Hurricane
stand a chance?! WAZZUP WIDDAT?!?
ROB VAN DAM: This man is the penultimate wild card on ANY
non-one-on-one match. He's small, yes, but he's quick, strong and, most of all,
cunning. You don't hold the Hardcore Title for five months and NOT be cunning...or
damn lucky. Still won't be enough, though.
TEST: Now THIS guy will be dangerous. With his "Ten
Feet Tall And Bulletproof" attitude, even if he IS eliminated, he can charge on back
in and toss out people left and right. Won't count, but it'll cause a lot of chaos,
anyway.
KANE: He's been terrorizing wrestlers for about as long as his
"brother" has, but he's still more-or-less hiding in UT's shadow. No
titles, no partners, no real friends...he's a dangerous individual. He'll be
reckless...and you can't do that in this match.
BOOKER T: If I had to pick one person to get #30, it would be this
guy. Won't help him, though (see question below). He can't
"Spinnerooni" in a ring full of wrestlers and, being that's his only move, he's
screwed.
RIKISHI: Talk about someone who makes me wanna puke (Booker knows
what I mean). All he can do is run backwards the entire match and squash his
opponents. But we all saw how Big Show hefted HIM over the top. All that
bulbous backside of his will be a hindrance.
BIG SHOW: Anyone huge and heavy is an odds-on favorite to win
battle royals...just look at the late, great Andre the Giant. But Show can't just
sit in a corner and wait for everyone to dump everyone else like Andre did. With
half his body higher than the top rope, he'll be over faster than anyone thinks.
KURT ANGLE: Yes, he did beat HHH at the last ROYAL RUMBLE...but he
forgot to mention that Tazz dealt Kurt his first-ever loss at the RR before that.
And he expects to OlymipicAngle Slam 29 people out of the ring?! He IS dreamin'!
UNDERTAKER: Even pit bulls like the "Big Dog" get kicked
from time to time. UT will probably win the "Most Tossed" award, but
somebody's gonna sneak behind him and bite him in the ass hard enough to get him chucked.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: He's won two Royal Rumbles in the
past...(WHAT?)...been to three WM main events...(WHAT?)...has always been a perennial
fave...(WHAT?)...and will stop at nothing to get the WWF Title back...(WHAT?). But,
guess WHAT? This may be the year Austin goes down legitimately and gets dumped on
his beer-soaked ass. What...I mean, why?
TRIPLE H: He did NOT go through painful surgery and eight months
of rehab to play second fiddle to anybody. He is in, perhaps, the best shape of his
career...not to mention having the biggest popularity he's had since his D-X days.
As long as his estranged - or just plain strange - wife stays inside, Debra won't have to
hurt her.
PREDICTION: TRIPLE H (draws #21 and tosses three, last being Steve
Austin)
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Last week's question:
The 1996 ROYAL RUMBLE match was historic as a number of the big-time WWF superstars we
know and love (or hate) today made their RR debuts. Among these were a former WWF
Champion who came in at #1, lasted over an hour but eliminated no one...and another former
WWF Champion who came in at #24 but only eliminated one. Name these two current WWF
greats. (BONUS: Name the one wrestler #24 tossed out.)
Answer: Triple H drew #1 that year and started the
Rumble with his then-arch nemesis, Henry O. Godwinn (later Midian). He lasted over
an hour before Diesel tossed him out. The man who drew #24 was Steve Austin,
then known as "The Ringmaster" and the "Million $ Champion".
Austin, unlike HHH, didn't stay around all that long, as Fatu of the Headshrinkers chucked
him in under eight minutes...(BONUS) but NOT before Austin managed to throw Bob
"Sparkplug" Holly (later Hardcore Holly) out. BTW, Shawn Michaels
won.
This week's question:
Woe be to the man who is unfortunate enough to draw #30 in a Royal Rumble match: no one
who has drawn that supposedly fortunate number has ever won the Royal Rumble. In sharp
contrast, TWO wrestlers have drawn either #1 or #2 (first two people in the match) and
have won the match. Who were these two men, what year did each one win, and who were the
last wrestlers each of them tossed TO win?
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Chris Wolvie, the .netter who ALWAYS tells it like it is
Comments, detractions and general praise to cwolvie@go.com
The opinions are mine and do not reflect those of the Webmaster...'cause I am THAT DAMN
GOOD!