(Welcome all to Winona, MN! While the scene we are greeted with may be a warm, clear day outside--we are not to be outdoors for much longer. The little remaining snow that is still on the ground can continue to melt on it's own as we have other things to worry about. Things like, well, for instance.....you see that 3-story building straight ahead? No, not the one with the red siding and a hot chick in a sweatshirt and shorts coming out of it, we want to look at the brick one. The brick one--the boring one with nobody coming or going from it. Yeah, you got it now! That's where we're headed. Within a couple quick seconds, we're inside that building and now staring at the door to room "105" as read the numbers on said door. What's so special about this certain room? Open the door and see for yourself! The knob turns, the door opens and we are met with.....an empty room. AN EMPTY ROOM!? Ah, not to worry folks, our subject is not in this front room but rather the dining room of this here apartment. Take a few steps forward and peek your head around that white wall into the open space of the kitchen. NO, don't sit on that white sofa and don't turn on the 27" PIP television set! NO! And don't get caught up looking at the neat books on the small coffee table that's in the middle of the room and absolutely DO NOT touch the cabinet with the glass door on our right. Not only is the cabinet itself worth lots of money, so is what's inside of it, namely a collection of china. Promise to be good? Great. Now go and look in the kitchen, okay? Remember, move slowly and quietly, we don't want to disturb the young lady we are about to view. Alright, now that you're close enough, take a look into the dining room at the table on the left. Yes, there's a HUGE pile of various papers and it looks like a couple editions of "War and Peace" blew up but look beyond that mess to the very far left of the room...underneath the windows. See that young woman there? In the pigtails being held in place by two purple hair bands and purple t-shirt? Quite a find, isn't she? Yeah, yeah..good stuff! Obviously we're not here to play spy on this female, although that really wouldn't be such a bad thing. Sure looks like she's involved in something big---her left arm on the table, her hand on her forehead seemingly holding up her head, her right hand quickly scribbling words with a pen onto a sheet of paper. Looks like someone's got a big paper to write up! Amidst this "spying," the opening and closing of the door behind us occurs. Go ahead, turn around. You see that girl that just entered? Sorta looks like Marilu Henner from her days on "Taxi" as Elaine Nardo, from her red hair to her figure. This girl's name is Janice. From her attire you'd think she'd just gotten back from a formal event, but such is not the case. Even though she's in tan slacks and a brown dress-shirt she's only come from a basketball game. It should be noted though that Janice is limping and looking downward, you'll notice one of those orthopedic boots on her right foot meaning she was on the sidelines while her team played. She walks over towards our paper-writing friend, oh by the way that would be the IWF's Laura, and takes a seat close by. Laura doesn't even acknowledge Janice's presence, just continues on writing.)

Janice: Hey kid, what's up?

Laura: (uninterestingly, still into her writing, not even lifting her head) How'd you guys do?

Janice: Managed to pull out a nice 10-point win.

Laura: And how many points did you score? (raises her head from her left hand but still doesn't bother looking at Janice as she places her left hand on the left edge of the sheet of paper.)

Janice: Um....I didn't play.

Laura: (with a still rather uncaring vocal inflection) How come?

Janice: Be-cause I have a medical redshirt....from when a certain someone caused me to break my ankle during October.

Laura: Oh.

Janice: Do you even CARE?

Laura: (FINALLY she stops writing and looks towards Janice) I MIGHT if I didn't have this paper to write for my physics class. If somebody here would quiet down I could finish it.

Janice: Say, know who was at the game?

Laura: No. (puts her head back down and goes back to her writing--after grabbing hold of a new, clean sheet of paper)

Janice: Here's a hint---Minnesota's most famous resident.

Laura: But I've been here all night.

Janice: Not YOU silly! (Gives Laura an innocent shove in the left shoulder causing Laura to slightly scribble on her paper thus causing her to stop writing and get upset, but she lets it pass harmlessly) I meant Rachael Leigh Cook! You know, the actress?

Laura: WHAT!? (Looks upward and at Janice again)

Janice: You didn't know she was born in Minneapolis? Yeah! She's a gopher alright, and THE most famous Minnesotan--at least until I get into the WNBA, then it'll be me...but for now it's Rachael.

Laura: (drops her pen in shock) That's gotta be the biggest bunch of bull I've EVER heard. Let me ask you this---who's the person that's been on TV week after week after week and seen by millions of people nationwide each week?

Janice: (Her face shows that she knows Laura's got her) You.

Laura: And who HASN'T had a big film released in like two years?

Janice: Her.

Laura: So how is RACHAEL more famous than ME!?

Janice: (Realizing she can play this game as well) Who's always on talk shows each month? Who's seen by EVERYONE on video week in and week out? Her! That's why! When did you even HAVE a match last??

Laura: (Knowing SHE'S been had, but not wanting to admit it) WHO CARES!? I'm still more widely known than (sarcastically) Rachael Leigh Cook.

Janice: I don't know what kind of logic you're using....

Laura: Get bent.

Janice: YOU get bent! You're out in outer space or something because there is no freakin' way that YOU are more known than Rachael Leigh Cook. Your ego is really messing up your mind or something----

Laura: (eyes intent with rage) BITE....MY....CLIT!! I think it's pretty obvious that when you're me, an upstanding citizen of this world, a numerous time athletic champion, a person who can bring PRO WRESTLING into the national spotlight, someone who is a gold medalist, a person spotted on almost every channel on television...how can I NOT be as famous? Quit being so damn biased just because she's from the same state as you are. Just because I hail from Wisconsin originally doesn't mean I'm not as good as her. I don't know how much weed you've been smoking this week but it's obviously too much.

Janice: (brushes her bangs away from her face) I've had just five joints this week....but that's not the point. Maybe I AM biased but gosh, take it easy!

Laura: SHE'S A LEMONBAR!

Janice: What are you gonna do? Fight her?

Laura: You know....(she rolls her eyes upwards in her head, thinking this over, then smiles)....you know, I think I will. I'll fight her this Monday.

Janice: WHAT!? And how are you gonna fight Josie on Monday?

Laura: (in a high-pitched confused voice) Who the Hell is JOSIE!?

Janice: Josie and The Pussycats? She played Josie? Fine, RACHAEL! What, you got connections?

Laura: Oh, I've got connections! And since we're on the subject of movies, heck, bring on her co-star Tara Reid or even Rosario Dawson. How about that?

Janice: Girl you are so out of this world. I'm outta here. (Janice gets up and limps out of the room)

Laura: What a moron. Thinks I can't take out Rachael Leigh Cook. Thinks Rachael is more well known than me, Laura. Come on. Talk about a clown. Too much junk thrown into her head, that's what the problem here is. I'll face her on Monday. I got ways to do this. Besides, I always get what I want, and this time I want to beat on Rachael Leigh Cook. So she's had a couple of big-time movies---what's the big deal? Did the presses stop running? Did someone come around and have time stop just because this one little girl has made some successful movies? No. While I don't plan on KILLING this child I DO plan on letting her know just who else there is in this state who IS famous. What I WILL do is give RLC a true RLC: Running Little Coward, that is. And if she still wants to walk around like a peacock, if people here are still going to fawn over her like a bunch of over-sized babies, then maybe it's a good thing I'm not a true resident of this state. Maybe I'd be better off spending my life in Wisconsin. But wait, that state is a big waste of space as well. I should know, that's why I left there. So what am I to do? How about Ohio? No, because then I'd have to whup up on Katie Holmes's butt and there's no need to do that---she's not worth it. I know...I could go to Kansas! Heck, just walking into the state I'd become THE ALL-TIME most successful person to pace around that state. Beating up on Rachael Leigh Cook though, that's the ticket. Of course, I do warn Minnesota natives, this could be too much for the senses. After all, watching one of your "family" going down at the feet of a person from a supreme rival state---that's not cool. So what to do? Deal with it. Minnesota needs a new role model, and in fact so does all of America, so it's time that I, Laura, begin the journey to become this country's most beloved citizen ever. I start Monday---I continue all throughout the year. Of course, becoming a top role model is NOTHING without good grades, so it's back to my homework. After all, being a hypocrite sure sucks rocks.

(And sure enough, Laura gets back to her paper as she picks up her pen and looks back down at what she's written already. As she taps her pen a couple times on the table and then begins chewing on it as well. She stops then lifts her head.)

Laura: Actually now that I think of it, we can bring some of Rachael's performances to life. I remember she was in some anti-drug commercial when her career was in it's (snickers) prime. She went ballistic in a kitchen beating things up with a frying pan. I can do that too, you know. I just choose not to because I can make my points without turning into an immature little brat. BUT if Ms. Cook would like, I can bonk her in the head with a frying pan---see how she likes it. Maybe then she can be set straight, told that she sucks as an actress, that she is NOT the most famous person out of Minnesota-- I AM!

(She lowers her head back towards her paper, taps her pen on her head a couple times and begins writing again..giving us the cue to fade out.)