Beer. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
You know if it wasn't for beer more than half of the population on earth would never get laid, it would just be you fucking beautiful people(but that's okay, most of you are gay anyway), the rest of us would just own a lot sheep.
It's only through the power of beer that a short spindly little jackass can wake up next to some hot little number, who will in turn wake up and make a mad dash out the door hoping no one saw her, and cursing the day she said she could out drink me
But then again it doesn't always turn out in your favor, one of these days you'll end up in bed with a chick who looks like Sloth off of the Goonies. You'll get to wake up and roll over and see this droopy eyed fuck staring back at you and yelling, HEY YOU GUY'S, then after that you have to be like fucking houdini, and sneak your ass out of there before one of your friends see you, because if they do, the shit will hit the fan, they will tell ever son of a bitch in town, then you'll be known as Sloth's bitch, hell you'll be Chunk, and what's bad is your friend that caught you, has probably fucked the same deformed leatherface bitch you did, only he didn't get caught.
Another good thing that beer does is open peoples eyes, in one certain area anyway, that short little fuckers and, well, bigger women are the best lays you'll ever have, and you know why, WE FUCKING HAVE TO BE, no one even wants to be seen in public with us, so when we get a chance to shine, boy do we ever, see while all you beautiful people were getting yours in high school, we were doing a lot of fucking practicing(and I got enough practice in that span to last me for the rest of my life) see you din't know anything but thrust and repeat, but our creative juices were flowing, amongst other things.
We just bided our time waiting for an opportunity, and that opportunity was in the form of a can, unless of course you gave up first, the quitters are easy to spot, we've all seen em, you know the 500lb woman with the bucket of kfc in one hand and her 80lb husband in the other, they're not in love, they just gave up, but i guarentee they have the greatest sex on god's green earth, hell they have the proof walking behind them, with their 19 kids raising hell back there.
So if your a guy and you want great sex go find yourself a hunk of woman, and if you're a chick, go find some little Ethiopian looking son of a bitch and you guys have a hell of a time.
Well now that I've thoroughly disgusted everyone, with the truth i might add, I think i'll go get a beer or two, i'll be the one at the end of the bar with my new woman, you know, doing the Truffle Shuffle.
Was there ever a more beautiful word.
This column is dedicated entirely to the Holiest of waters, BEER, and the stories in which it produced.
My first experience with the sacred water was in May of 1998, it was a couple weeks before graduation and I decided why the fuck not, I was a good kid all my life, why can't I have some fun, and fun i had. I puked three times, sat in someones piss, stripped to my boxers, rode a tricycle, and passed out in the bed of my truck, what more could one ask for.
Right now I don't want to delve into any more stories I'll save that for Sunday, when I update this, instead I'll talk about my favorite beers, YAY.
Alright i've heard a lot people say that imported beer is the best, I heard wrong. Give me a good old-fashioned Budweiser, If I want to lick a skunk's balls I'll drink that imported shit, because lets face it that what all of that shit tastes like, not that I ever tried licking a skunk's balls....but I did it last night. Seriously if you're gonna drink go with Bud or Coors or something homegrown, leave that import shit to those rich bastards who would drink their own bathwater if it was 50 proof, because they would.
Anyway I'm outta here, I'll be back Sunday with an update on my weekend, it looks like its stacked so i'll have plenty of stories.