Jokes Page

Blonde Bus Ride To Hell: Two womens hockey teams are touring England. One is all brunettes and the other all blondes. They book a double decker bus with the brunettes on the bottom and the blondes on top. The brunettes are having a party and it is all quiet upstairs with the blondes. One brunette is curious and goes upstairs to see what is wrong. The blondes are all there scared stiff grabbing the rail in front of them. The brunette goes up to one and asks why they are so scared coz they were having a party downstairs. The blonde says without turning "At least you have a bus driver!!" Sausage Blunder: Paddy and Mick have just spent the day at the footy and have $5 left over. They desperately want to go on a pub-crawl. Mick comes up with an idea. He turns to Paddy gives him the $5 and tells him to go grab a sausage from the butchers. Paddy gets the sausage and comes back confused. When he asks Mick what the deal is Mick replies "We'll go into a pub, have a few drinks and just before it comes time to pay, I'll unzip my jeans and pull the sausage out, you get down on your knees and nibble on it, we'll get away clean". They go to the first pub and have a few drinks and the plan works, the pub-owner chucks a fit and throws them out. They do this till at the end of the night they are totally wasted. Paddy turns to Mick and says "Strweth I feel like crap". Mick turns around and replies "Dont know what you're worrying about, I lost the sausage in the third pub". Heavenly Stuff Up: A civil engineer died and went to heaven. however at the Pearly Gates he was told he didnt belong here and was sent to hell instead. When God heard about the stuff-up he rang Satan and asked for the civil engineer to be sent up to him. Satan replies 'Why should I? I got bridges that dont fall down and streets that stand the heat!!". God replies "If you don't send him to me right now I'll sue!!" Satan laughs and simply says "Where you going to get the lawyers??". Mid-Air Turmoil: A plane hits some turbelence and the captain makes the announcement that they plane will have to ditch into the sea and to prepare for a crash landing. One hysterical lady stands up and yells out loud "If I'm going to die I want for some good looking man to make me feel like a real woman!!". From the back of the plane a good-lookingman stands up and walks up the aisle. He unbuttons his shirt revealing a well muscled chest. The lady waits with baited breath as he walks up to her and takes his shirt off. He leans over and says "Here's my shirt. Iron it and get me a beer!!". Telephone War: An archeological dig in the UK discovers some copper wire at 50ft uderground. From this the scientists estimate that the UK was using telephones about 50 years ago. The USA stated that they had found copper wiring at 100ft so determined they had been using telephones for about 100 years. Russia did archeological digs and still hadn't found any copper wire when they were 200ft underground. They determined that they must have already been using mobile phones. Hypnotist Helps Sex Life: A woman who gets headaches was referred to a hypnotist who, according to her friend, "works wonders". And after a session with him the woman goes home completely cured. "What happened?" her husband asks as she attests to her not having headaches. "The hypnotist told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache’ over and over – and it worked!" She then goes on, "You’ve been lame in the bedroom lately, why don’t you see if he can fix that?" The husband agrees to try it and following his appointment he comes home, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. "Don’t move. I’ll be right back," he says. He goes into the bathroom and returns a few minutes later, jumps on the bed and they make passionate love like never before. He then goes back into the bathroom again and returns for round two. The wife’s head is spinning when her husband again says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back." And he goes back into the bathroom. This time she follows and through the open crack in the door she sees him at the mirror and saying, "She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife!" Lost Man Goes Nutty: A lost man came upon a small house owned by an old Chinese man. "I’m lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," he replied, "but if you touch my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." The daughter appeared – she was young, beautiful, and couldn’t keep her eyes off the visitor. So during the night, he snuck into her room for a night of passion. In the morning he woke to feel pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note that read, "Chinese Torture #1: Large rock on chest." "That’s pretty lame," he thought. He then threw the boulder out the window. He then noticed another note: "Chinese Torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he figured a few broken bones was better than castration, so he jumped out after it. As he plummeted he saw a large sign on the ground: "Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." Bats Out For Blood: A vampire bat came flapping into the cave from the night, his face all covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep, but pretty soon all the other bats had smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep. The bats kept persisting until he finally gave in. ?Okay, follow me,? he said, flying out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. “Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good,” said the first bat, “Because I f__king didn’t!” Scot Cops Giant Dildo: The boss of a sex shop decides to leave the new guy on his own for a while, so he departs with some advice: "Always give the customer what they want." Soon after a brunette walks in and asks for a six-inch vibrator. The young man goes out back, finds one and sells it to her. The next costumer to walk in is a blonde who asks for a 12-inch dildo, so the young man goes out back, finds one and sells it to her. The next woman to walk in is a huge, seven-foot-tall Scottish body-builder. She bends down and says, "Hello laddy, I want the biggest dildo you’ve got, and it has to be tartan!" The young man goes out back and begins to search. After 10 minutes he hasn’t found anything. The Scot gets annoyed, shouting, "Hurry up laddy!" He suddenly appears and slams what he has found on the desk. The woman, pleased, buys it and leaves. When his boss returns he asks how was business. The young man replies, "All right. I sold a six-inch vibrator, a 12-inch dildo, and sir, don’t get angry… but I also sold your thermos." Sucking Up to Parents: One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, the girl replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us for sure! Their bedroom is right upstairs!" "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?" he insists grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" the girl goes on. "Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It’s just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!" "Oh yes, you can. Please?" The argument goes on for about five minutes when suddenly out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for Heaven’s sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!" Tequila From The Worm: A Mexican is strolling down the street and kicks a bottle lying in the gutter. Suddenly out pops a genie. The Mexican is stunned and the genie says, "I will grant you one wish." The Mexican begins thinking, and finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want. Make me pee tequila." Genie then grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he grabs a glass and wees in it. He takes a taste and it’s the best tequila he’s ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican fills another glass. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she’s ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night he goes home from work and tells his wife to get out two glasses. He proceeds to fill them and the result is the same, and the couple drink until the sun comes up. It’s Friday and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela, grab one glass and we will drink tequila." She grabs it and the Mexican begins to fill the glass but his wife asks him, "Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" He raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my little chiquita, you drink from the bottle." Golf Game Gets Holy: Jesus, Moses and an elderly bloke were all out playing golf one day, finding themselves all tied on the water hazard-wielding 18th hole. Moses tees off, but embarrassingly hooks it into the water. While the other two laugh, Moses parts the water and chips the ball three feet away from the hole. Next Jesus tees off, slicing the ball across the water and on to a far-off bank. The others laugh, but Jesus walks across the water and chips the ball two feet away from the hole. Next the old guy tees off, he too sending his ball sailing off across the water. Suddenly a fish jumps up and catches the ball in its mouth. Then a bird swiftly snatches up the fish. Before it gets very far, lightning strikes the bird, making it drop the fish - which drops the ball 10cm from the hole. A worm then pops out of the ground, nudging the ball into the hole. "Hole in one!" screams the elderly gentleman, excitedly. Jesus turns to him angrily:"For f__k's sake," he says, "stop showing off, Dad!" Nudist Wants Out: A man joins a nudist colony and on his first day he strips and wanders around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man gets a stiffy. The woman notices his erection and says, "Did you call me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lies down and lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. A huge, hairy man lumbers toward him, "Did you call for me?" he says. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man spins him around and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the office where he yells, "You can keep the $500 membership fee, I'm outta here!" "But, sir," states the receptionist, "you've only been here for a few hours." The man replies, "Listen, lady, I'm 68, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day - I'm gone!" Drunk Cops A Squeeze: A drunk gets up from the bar and heads to the bathroom. A few minutes later a loud scream comes from the bathroom. A few minutes later there is another one, louder than the first. The bartender goes to see what the problem is. He asks "What is all the screaming about? You're scaring my customers." The drunk replies "I am sitting here on the toilet and everytime I flush something crushes my balls!!" The bartender looks in and yells "You f__king idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!" Two Sides Of The Story: Her Side -> He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet for a drink, so I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls. He didn't notice the new outfit I was wearing, and I thought it might have been coz I was late to the pub. The conversation was slow so we headed back to my place. Nothing was happening so I asked if it was something worng with me. He said no and stayed quiet. I said I loved him and he put his arm around me but still didnt say anything. I thought he was about to leave me so I mad passionate love to him and he got into it. Afterwards he just turned over and went to sleep. I ended up crying myself to sleep wondering if he still loved me. I dont know what to do ... I think he is seeing someone else and about to leave me. My life is over. His Side -> Collingwood lost the grand final. Got a root though. Lesson Full Of Bull: A man takes his wife to a cattle show. Going down the alley to see the prize bulls the wife sees a sign that say 'This bull mated 50 times last year'. The wife turns to the husband and says "He did it 50 times last year, you could learn from him." The husband frowns and moves on. Further on the wife sees a sign that say 'This bull mated 150 times last year'. The wife turns to the husband and says "He did it 150 times last year, once a fortnight, you could learn from him." The husbands frown deepens and they move on. At the end of the alley the wife sees a sign that say 'This bull mated 365 times last year'. The wife turns to the husband and says "Wow!! He did it 365 times last year, that is once a day!! You could really learn from him." At this the farmer turns to his wife and says "Well, go and ask him if it was 365 times with the same cow!!" Excuses Excuses: A teacher lets her year 5 class know that there will be an exam and there will be no exceptions to not being at it except in dire circumstances. Oe smartass kid, Tony, puts his hand up and asks "Does sever sexual exhaustion count miss?" The class laughs at this. Once the laughter dies down she looks at hime and says sweetly "No, you can still write with the other hand." Burglar Finds Solution: A policeman is working the front desk at the police station when a man comes rushing in. "My house was burgled earlier this evening while my wife was asleep in our bed - and I've just been told you caught the man who did it!" he gasps. "That's true," the cop says. "He's downstairs as we speak." "I just need to ask him a question," the man says. "It's not possible sir. You'll have to wait until the court date." the stony-faced piloceman advises him. "It honestly won't take a minute - I really need to speak to him." the man says. "I'm sorry sir but that that cannot happen." the policeman states grimly. "Ok, ok," the man says,"All I really want to know is how he got into the house without waking my wife up. I've been trying to do that for years." Beer Goggles: A man strolls into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his jacket then asks for another. Again the man drinks his beer, peers into his jacket and orders another. After doing this a few time the barman walks up and ask him why he is doing it. The man replies "In my jacket pockit I have a picture of my wife. When she looks good enough, then I'll go home". Child Runs Riot: A door to door salesman rings the dorrbell of a house on his rounds. A 10-year old boy opens the door, holding a can of beer in one hand and smoking a cigar with the other. he salesman is apalled. The salesman asks "Are your parents home?" The boy tips some ash on the carpet and replies "What do you think?" Blow Hot, Blow Cold: Three young women are discussing their boyfriends. "It's funny," says the first, "Pete's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking him off ... " "Wierd, says the second girl, "Its the same as my Richard ..." They turn to their friend :"What about you? When you blow your man, are his balls cold?" "Eugh, thats disgusting. I never stick him in my mouth!" the third girl replies. "You're crazy," laugh her friends, "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a man. Try it!" The next morning they all meet up again and the topic of blowjobs comes up again. The third girl is looking very nervous. When her friends ask what's rong she replies "I took your advice and gave my man a blowjob. But the bastard packed up and left me before I finished." Her friends are astonished and ask her why. "Well, I dont know. all I did was tell him its strange that its wierd his balls were warm, seeing as Pete and Richards are so cold ... " Passion Ignited: A man returns home from work desperate to rekindle the passion in his marriage. He sees his wife under the covers sleeping and decides to surprise her. He climbs underneath and gives her the best cunnilingus imaginable. He walks into the bathroom feeling pleased with himself and is shocked to see his wife standing there. He scream "What are you doing here??" "Shh," his wife replies, "You dont want to wake your mother!!" Hanging Tough: It’s a dark night, a cold wind is blowing and a campfire flickers under the stars twinkling in the blackened sky. Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Africa and one from New Zealand. Each is trying to prove they are the toughest. The night of tales begins… Kiven the Kiwi says, "I rickon I must be the meanest, toughest, heng-glider there is, bro. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate six men who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodile and wristled him to the ground and then killed him with my beer hends." Hansie from South Africa pipes up, thinking that he has one better, and says, "Check it out, you guys: I lended orfter a 200-kilometre flight in my heng-glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and bit ’is head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I’m still here standing next to you two in front of this fire today." Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis. In The Wrong Hole: A man dressed in shorts and long socks staggers into a hospital emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped very tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked the poor chap what had happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man, wincing with pain. "I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my beloved wife, when she sliced her ball into a neighbouring pasture full of cows. We went over into the field to try to find it and while I was searching around, I noticed one of the cows had something white and round wedged fair between its buttocks. I walked over and lifted up the cow's tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right between the cheeks, right in the middle of its bum hole. That's when I made my mistake." "What on Earth did you do?" asked the doctor, intrigued by what he was hearing. "Well, I proceeded to lift up the cow's tail and then I yelled loudly to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'" The City of Love: A young Australian is enjoying his first night in Rome. He’s drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat herself beside him. ‘Hello,’ he says, ‘do you understand English?’ ‘Only a little,’ she replies. ‘How much?’ he asks. ‘Fifty dollars,’ she replies. The bells! The bells!: On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Jennie went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained ‘He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning’ Horrified Jennie suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. ‘Oh no’ her gran replied, ‘We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.’ She paused, and wiped away a tear. ‘If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive’. Car Trouble: A boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over. ‘If you get in the car,’ the driver says, ‘I’ll give you £10 and a packet of sweets.’ The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A little further up the road the man again pulls over. ‘Okay,’ he says. ‘How about £20 and two packets of sweets?’ The boy tells the man to piss off and carries on walking. Still further up the road the man again pulls to the curb. ‘Right,’ he says. ‘This is my final offer – £50 and all the sweets you can eat.’ The little boy stops walking, goes towards the car and leans in. ‘Look,’ he hisses. ‘You bought the f**king Soda, Dad, and you have to live with it.’ Back In Texas: A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No-one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. “Alright,” he snarled at the room. “I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.” The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. “And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.” Chairs creaked restlessly. The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. “Say partner, before you go, tell me – what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back, with a long face: “I had to walk home.” If you know any good jokes to add to this page feel free to email me and let me know.