Laugh Riot: The Tale of a True Prediction

The howling that resounded throughout the Great Hall on Monday was the result of a bet gone wrong between Professor Snape, and several anonymous students. This particular bet was predicted by Hogwart’s own Divnation professor, Sybill Trelawney. The Potions master entered the Great Hall wearing a lovely green dress that muggles often refer to as a mini. He was also painted in Rouge Magic lipstick, and Lavender eye shadow, cosmetics designed by former Hogwarts’ student Lavender Brown. His hair was fixed in an elegant coif, and he also was wearing a lovely rhinestone wand necklace.

The bet, devised by a group of unknown students, entailed stealing the Professor’s photograph of his wife, Fleur Snape. The students early on in the year bet the Professor that they would be able to steal an important valuable of his without the Professor’s knowledge, and then return it. The idea was to lead the Professor into believing that he had misplaced it, and not that someone had stolen the item.

After terrorizing his second year Potions class, Snape believed that he had simply misplaced the photograph until early Sunday morning when he received a letter from the anonymous pranksters, detailing their original agreement. Professor Snape apparently had forgotten all about the anonymous bet he had agreed to take part in and paid the price Monday morning during breakfast.

The fun began last Saturday, when Divination students observed Professor Trelawney undergo a radical change. It is reported that the Professor sat up rigidly in her chair. Her eyes became blank and distant as she spoke in a low voice. One anonymous Gryffindor had this comment.

“The mood even changed. It seemed almost as if the room darkened, and a terrible presence had come into our midst. I had never felt terror such as that before. Divination truly is a rare and dangerous art,” the student explained.

Trelawney apparently was quoted as saying this, during her trance, “It shall happen on Monday, when the dark man meets this match. He will lose, and be forced to face what he hates and fears most. The green and the red shall cover him, and all will behold.”

Neither Professors could be reached for comment at press time.

There was no shortage of response from the student body however. The most immediate response was of course to begin to claw at one's eyes to try and escape the sight, but afterwards the students were willing to joke about the incident. Max Tilden, Head Boy, went on record in saying, "He thought he could pull off a mini-skirt? With those legs? Please, girlfriend."

With an average of ten years in between proper predictions, we can only hope that Professor Trelawey's next insight into the future is as light-hearted as this one.

Lawn Fight Spurns Dueling Development

If you have been out to the lawn lately, you might have seen a few blackened patches of grass here and there, and perhaps severed tree branches lying around. Or if you have looked out from the castle windows facing the lawn, you might have doubted your eyes for seeing students and professors in a mad brawl, and your ears for hearing hexes being shouted out.

No need to get the latest eye-brightening potion though. I assure you that you were not just imagining things. It all started on a pleasant sunny morning when Head Girl Rei O’Brien and Head Boy Max Tilden were out to visit Hagrid’s hut. On their way back, they managed to overhear a comment from a second-year Slytherin Jennifer Royal that enraged them: “There they go. Dumbledore must be losing his mind to let two filthy mudbloods get those positions.” The comment, while based on the fact that both the Head Boy and Head Girl are muggleborn, was more than plenty to attract a crowd.

Soon History of Magic Professor Faith Tiernay and Professor/Librarian Fleur D. Snape were drawn to the firing of a Slytherin Prefect, Allison Fitcher’s, spell to save her house from losing points. The very first malicious hex, shouted by Ignacio Ruiz, conjured up a live snake. This signaled the beginning of chaos. After everything was said and done, spells ranging from slugs, body binding charms and enlarged teeth had been cast. At the end, the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor Sirius Black graciously put an end to the nonsense. None of the eleven students and two professors involved were seriously injured, except the Head Boy Max Tilden who was knocked out during the fight.

Hogwarts Express received the exclusive information that Professor Black and Max Tilden began to work on the dueling system shortly after the dispute took place. This was to circumvent any possible fights and settle future disputes such as the one on the lawn. They both took the time to interview after this serious incident. Professor Black expressed his concern about the incident. “I believe the main problem with the duels was that they were horribly unstructured. These students were merely firing off spells randomly. Consequently, most of the spells either misfired or failed completely,” said Black.

The new dueling system, when in effect, will allow a person to challenge another for whatever reason. If the challenge is accepted, a professor will be the officiator for the duel. The dueling system is based on ‘power points’. Every spell will require a certain amount of points to be used in order execute. According to Mr. Tilden’s explanation, each turn consists of three phases. The first phase is ‘defense’, and the poster casts a spell to defend against the spell that was just cast against him/her. The second is ‘attack’, where the poster casts a spell against the opponent. The third phase ‘tally’ is when the poster subtracts all the spell points from their ‘power points’. CONT'D on: Page 4