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'One Missed Call' begins with a
burning inferno, as a young girl is seperated from her mother.
As the film moves forward -
"Yes! I finally caught up with you
again!"
...
"Thought you could get off so easy,
huh?"
...
"Well, Write-ah, I've got a
proposition for yuz. Since ya like tah 'review' movies so
much, why don'tcha narrate 'JHoff.Net's very first feature
film ; One Missed Erection! The plot is simple - These guys
keep getting calls on their phones. Everytime they answer,
they hear themselves in the middle of blowin' their load...
when all of a sudden, their dick shrivels up to the size of a
raisin!!!
... That's got to be the lamest
excuse for a "movie" ... ever.
"But - "
- EVER!
"Awww... well, how about this'n.
There's this deli, see, and this radioactive goop falls on one
of the wheels ah cheese... giving birth to an abnormal BEAST
of a monst-ah! I call it ; Cheddarfield!!!!!
... Even lamer, if that's
even possible...
"Ok, ok, I've got one last idea.
There's these two old priests. They find this list that
one of them made when before they became men of God,
listing all the things they want to do before they die...
which includes things like 'get high', 'kill an old biddy',
'get more high', 'have sex with a random stranger', 'get
even more high', and 'eat human meat'. They're about to
die, so they decide, 'Aw, the hell with it'. I call it
"The Fuck-It List." Now you GOTTA admit that's some good
crap.
... It's crap alright. Good? No.
Crap? Definitely.
"Dammit! You suck! What would you
rate my planned movies, altogether?"
The same rating I give each of your
promos - two thumbs, way, waaaay down. Now, I'm ending this
review, since your rollie-pollie ass has barged
in...
"Wait! I have one more idea! I'd
get Martin Lawrence cuz, let's face it, the dude's not doin'
jack shit nowadays anyway, and I'd have him dress up like a
woman, and I'd have him be in this flick with Eddie Murphy
cuz, let's face it, he'll be in just about anything, and he'd
ALSO be dressed up like a chick, and then I'd throw in Eddie
Monroe, because let's face it, after the Hoff kicks his ass up
and down, from pillar to post, and boots him from the
tournament, he'll be so embarrased he'll need SOMETHING to
fall back on... and I'll have him dress up like a broad. The
dude's probably intah that kinda shit, anyway. Then, I'll have
them be buddy cops. It'll be the first ever buddy cop movie
starring three cross-dressers!"
"And the best thing about it?
Lawrence, Murphy, and Monroe all have one thing in common.
None of them will have shit to do after this Monday! Monroe...
you'd be perfect for my movie. Think about it, won't
you?"
Ok, well, I'd love to stay here and
listen to your crappy attempts at 'humor', but I've got much
more important things to do. Like picking the food out of my
teeth...
"FINE! See if I care! Who needs
ya?! ... Cuz I sure as hell don't!!! ... YA DAMN, DIRTY,
BASTARD!"
...
"UGH... back to the search for a
replacement narrator... I wonder if the guy that does all the
TNA ppv promos is available... Gotta love ya some James Earl
Jones sound-a-likes..."
AD : COMING
THIS SPRING - BORIS AND BARF-BAG DO JACK HOFF!!! DON'T YOU
DARE MISS
IT! | 
In
Theaters 
