Jenkiejen: It's been a few weeks since spring began, and those darn snails are already eating away at my precious petunias. I've just finished germination of strawberries and tomatoes and am ready to take them out to the garden to plant. I walk out my door and what do I feel, but little drops of rain beginning. I shake my head and can't believe the weather. Isn't the old saying, April showers? Seems like February to me. Some of the old timers down at the country market say we could expect to see snow this week. Of course I don't believe them. They always make things seem worse than they really are and they always talk about the weather. Not minding that my hair may get a little wet, I proceed to go out into the garden. I grab my umbrella just in case of a downpour, and walk through the arbor at the beginning of my garden on the way to the four half wine barrels at the end of the garden. I'm very enthused to have those barrels this year. They'll be great for huge strawberries and big ripe tomatoes. As I come nearer to the barrels I notice something extremely wrong with the edges.... SNAILS! TONS OF THEM! They are covering the entire outer edges of the barrels. I walk over to them and kneel down. I've never seen anything like it before. As I ponder over the profound nature of it all, one of the larger snails slowly and steadily looks up at me, and says,…
Rosebush: "Lady, where’s the hostas? Jimmy told me you had the tastiest hostas this side of the creek. Where are they? You don't want to get us mad, Lady, now show me the Hostas or I'll...
Jenkiejen: make your gardening days numbered, see. Now show me your Hostas!" I was so confused I fell back on by rear and started to search for words that made sense. "I.... I.... I..." "Oh stop stalling and tell us where your Hostas are human or we'll...
Mrs.b: I…I.. I don't have any stinking hostas; can I interest you in a nice bowl of beer?
Shady Lane 2238: These were no ordinary snails. They took the beer and drank it. The look on my face must have gave them…
Jenkiejen: HICCUPS! Because they started to burp and hiccup and fall off the barrels. I opened my umbrella turned it upside down and started to gather these extraordinary talking mollusks into it. I figured I could get rich off of them if not just get them away from my petunias! Just then the rain began to fall harder and a cold wind blew the umbrella out of my hands. The snails went flying all over the garden. I thought to myself, great now I have drunk talking' snails all over my garden, what next? It started to hail, and I began to be pelted by tiny frozen raindrops. I didn't care about the snails anymore I just wanted to get inside. I started to run back towards the house when...............
Blindblonde: The neighborhood cat walked in front of me and sat down. Here I am in the pouring rain, with talking drunken snails sinking in water, and now this silly cat is in the way! He turned and looked at me with his golden eyes, I SWEAR he smiled, and.
Shady lane 2238: "Have a snail problem lady, I could take them off your hands if only you..."
Jenkiejen: Do everything I tell you to do". He blinked his golden eyes and suddenly it stopped raining as if the cat had some mystical power to control it. "What is it I have to do for you?" I sarcastically asked. He stood up on his hind legs, put his hands behind his back, and started to nonchalantly walk around me as if evaluating my abilities. "I tell you what... If you...
Blindblonde: "Treat me like the king that I am, and maybe, just maybe I can get rid of your snail problem." "NO don't listen to him!!" Shouted the snails...hmm, seemed that they were sobering up at the sight of this strange talking cat...
Jenkiejen: He grinned and his teeth sparkled even though there was no sun. He spoke. "Are you going to waste your time always trying to get these obnoxious, beer drinking, and hosta loving snails out of your garden? Or are you going to let me help you? It's really up to you madam. I require only a little of bit of attention every now and then. They, on the other hand will eat your garden alive!" "Noooooo!" the snails shuddered and simultaneously objected to the cat's request. "Don't let him, no!" I had to make my decision.
Squeek: Hmmmm, difficult decision at best. Drunken, hosta eating snails...or a cute little kitty with an adorable but somewhat wicked smile. Could it be that this adorable wicked smiling kitty had something sneaky up his furry little sleeve? Oh no, did he want bathroom privileges in my garden?...well, nothing comes without a price. Hmmmm.what shall I do!
Joedirt!: I had no choice; I struck a deal with that surreal cat with the otherworldly sparkle on his tooth. As quickly as I said the words the snails were gone. The garden seemed healthier and stronger but suddenly I noticed that the sun seemed to…
Jenkiejen: be moving away. Could this really be happening??? It was going down. I thought for a short second, 'this couldn't be right! It’s 11am for peat’s sake!’ It was true; the sun was disappearing behind the horizon. The cat's eye's looked content, but his purring seemed to be lulling me to sleep. My eyes grew heavy, and I found myself drifting. The last thing I remember is falling face first into the gardenias. I came to, still with my face in the gardenia's smelling the sweetness, and found my garden covered in snow. Everything was white, and glistening. It was like December! Then the cat's voice spoke....
Blindblonde: Exactly HOW LONG are go going to sleep there? I need to be fed... "Oh by the way, I can get rid of those strange mice in your attic too..." MICE? Since when did I have mice?
Deltagardener: Mice, the cat said I had mice. How could that be? I stretched my legs and slowly began to rise to my feet only to hear the cat say "Are you going to feed me or what”. I went into the house only to see...
Squeek: MICE!!!! I did indeed have mice! I was overwhelmed with the haunting feeling that while I slept with my face in the gardenias smelling the sweetness....
Deltagardener: That the scent had acted like a drug and I had slept so long those mice had taken over my house!!! Where was that darned cat now that I needed him?? As I walked in the front door, there sitting in my favorite easy chair was the cat smoking one of my favorite cigars and as I walked in he looked up casually and said...
Blindblonde: "WHAT? Hey why don't you make yourself useful and bring me some tuna before those mice eat you out of house and home"
Deltagardener: My jaw fell wide open at this remark. I was being bossed around in my own house!! Okay I will get you some tuna I said as I slowly sauntered into the kitchen. I will show him whose boss!! So its tuna he wants, it will be tuna he gets. Low and behold the cupboard was empty, the mice had eaten all the food I had left. Surely there would still be food in the root cellar. Out the back door I went and I lifted the cellar door and.....
Jenkiejen: peered into the cold wet darkness of the cellar. The stairs that led down were....
Deltagardener: covered in moss and as I stepped onto the first step down I carefully crouched down to make sure my head wouldn't bump the top of the cellar door. The cellar stairs were oh so slippery that as I came to the bottom stair my foot slipped out from under me and I landed on my behind with such a bump. As I put my hand behind me to steady myself and get back up I could hear a noise coming from the darkness of the cellar. To my horrified eyes it was a....
Blindblonde: Giant snail having tea with a giant rat, and there was that dang cat! "How'd SHE get down here?" said the snail to the rat, and he was eating one of my hostas! Realizing I had been played for a fool....
Jenkiejen: I quickly reached for the jars of jelly and jam I had made last summer. Thoughts raced through my head, "That Cat tricked me! The snails are growing, the rats are taking over, and my garden is covered in snow! I don't know why I picked up these jars!" The Giant Snail and the Rat started to come towards me and....
Deltagardener: I quickly opened a jar of jam as I ran out the cellar door. Shaking the jar upside down so that the jam poured into my hands I used it to seal the door closed by wedging it within the frame of the door. Fortunately I had used so much pectin in the jam it was like glue. Would it hold??? Or was I looking for a way out of a jam?
Jenkiejen: Putting quip pro quo's behind me, I slammed the cellar door shut just in time for the snail to jam the hosta he was munching on into the door. Luckily the jam in the cellar door held and I was saved. "Pssst" I heard from behind me. I whipped around to see the cat again smiling at me. "Why is this happening?" I screamed as I through my arms down to my side. "Why?" he slyly replied, "because madam, in you're world everything is survival of the fittest, and you being human, are the fittest. In our world though.... We are the kings and since you asked me, I brought you to my world." he purred. "I didn't ask for this!" my heart raced...
Winterberryholly1968: ...I decided I had had enough, so I opened up a big can of WHOOP AS*!
Blindblonde: The cat looked at me and backed up, "Hey lady...we were.... we were just having fun with you..." "Well I don't think it is very funny! Send me back home!" The cat smiled at me again and said...
Squeek: If you ask nicely, then your wish will be my command. Are you sure that is what you want? Sometimes the wanting is better than the having; if you know what I mean. Think I will give you a moment to ponder what I have said”. For just a quick moment, the cat's comment was in such a calm and convincing tone, confusing my conviction. Indecision was...
Jenkiejen: imminent, and I couldn't just throw my hands in the air undecided. What would happen to my garden? In my world I'm plagued by hosta eating snails, confusing weather and old timers that talk about the same thing everyday, and in this world I'm startled by Giant, talking, hosta eating snails, Giant Rats and tricky cats. Then something happened that changed my mind about going back to my world... I saw fairies playing off in the distance in the meadow. They were like fireflies! They sky began to...
Deltagardener: glow from the light emanating from their tiny bodies. It was if the whole night sky had caught on fire. As a child I had always been fascinated with fairies and quickly I ran to see if I could catch one. All of a sudden I ran into an invisible wall of....
Squeek: of solid mass, but a solid mass of what? It was invisible! Nonetheless, I couldn't get through to my goal! I wanted to join the fairies. If nothing but to at least watch the Fairy Ball! I was so intrigued with the merriment at hand I did not even notice what else was lurking in the woods! Yes, something else was watching! Something else was hoping to get through this invisible protective wall that kept the fairies safe from intrusive strangers. But who is that or what is that, I can't really see clearly. The mist is thickening, making visibility difficult. Did I just imagine something close to me; did I just imagine the hot breath of the unknown brush against my shoulder? Hmmm, maybe if I just position myself closer to this....
Deltagardener: Young girl in a long flowing purple robe with hair the color of straw. Her eyes stared at me as if to say "Help me" but not a word escaped her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She motioned to me to come towards her but I could feel myself take a step back. Who was she?? Then all of a sudden she turned and it was like the invisible wall had swallowed her up. As she disappeared I heard a voice calling me to follow into....
Squeek: That invisible wall, but how did she get through and I can't? And why did she look so familiar to me? And the frolicking fairies? Why has everything gotten so eerie and quiet? I can barely see them anymore. Just little quick glimpses of flickering fairy lights!! Where is everything going? What is happening! This is too surreal! I can't stay here I have to...
Angelicdestiny: Get back to my gardens and get rid of my problems there. As I try to figure this out, and strain my brain at the very thought of it, again I feel the hot breath on the back of my neck, and the eerie cold chills running up and down my spine. As I quickly turn around I see the harsh glow of red eyes, and they are quite a ways up there, it must be at least 7 foot tall. I squint my eyes to try and make out exactly what it is. The light is so dim, and this.... this, thing is blocking the only light that is coming into this little forest area. I move ever so slightly, trying to re-position the light, and much to my horror I see that it is a.
Squeek: Whoa! I can't believe it! My eyes are playing tricks on me! Its one of those doggone drunken hosta eaten snails!! Oh, he's up on a large rock. Huh, not too scary after all. Just sitting on the rock. Looking down at me... 'Good afternoon' he says. 'Are you here for the annual race?' 'What race?' I ask. 'Why the annual fairies n'snail race of course! And I have the honor of carrying the fairy prince. I am his noble steed this year! My goodness, you spend all your time in your garden and you have never ever attended the notable SNAIL RACE? Hmmm, I guess it's true. Humans are always moving to fast and taking no notice of any other life that is bustling around them...unless of course, we happen to be in your way or eating your hostas trying to get that extra energy for the race, you see! Would you like to follow me, enter our little corner of your garden? The race is quite exciting and I don't think that anyone...
Jenkiejen: or any being for that matter, is going to miss out this on the race this season. Come join us. You can eat a hosta or two if you fell you need a rush of energy." I followed the snail over to the starting line. The snail moved much faster than I had seen snails move before. He guided me through the wall and I asked him...
Squeek: So how long have the Fairy n'snail races been going on? How long are they? Is it rough terrain? Ughm, you know with being so little that is. I would think that even a molehill would be like a mountain. I made a funny, didn't I. do you make mountain out of a molehill? Heee heee!' The snail pondered on inquisitiveness for a moment and answered. 'Hmmm, been going on for centuries and centuries. So not too long. At least not as long as some of our annual events. They are long and strenuous too. And by the way my dear. You are no comedian.' “Centuries? Oh and do tell me more please”. I was beginning to feel comfortable in these surreal surroundings. And I was now the same size as the snail and fairies.’what other annual events? ...
Jenkiejen: "Well" said the snail, "We have the annual tortoise and hare race, you've probably heard of that one, and the insect Olympics, and we can't forget the celebration of spring." "ohh, what's that one like?" I asked with enthusiasm. He sighed and went on to explain. "it's kind of..."
Squeek: mysterious, really. There are some private retreats amongst some that attend. The gnomes, thank goodness always take on the job of law and order. keeping those in line that think they are going to make trouble. its a day of peace and tranquility...Not one living being is allowed to attack and eat another on that very special day!! Not one!!! Not even the Wizard!!! And you can just imagine the trouble with some of these creepy crawlers. they must be kept in tow at all times!! The feasting on the garden is a very special day indeed..ughmm, sorry...I know that its very distressing to you to find all your nice pretty flowers gobbled up in one night. The whole festival really does get started when the Wizard arrives, in the most beautiful flying charriot.being pulled through the air by the most beautiful Monarch butterflies..OH..and THEN....
Jenkiejen: then the fairies lower him down onto a turtle and strap him to his new ride. Then the Purple Witch announces the start of the festival. She appears as a different being every year. This year she is supposed to appear as a child. She may appear different every year, but she always has a purple robe and hair the color of straw. "I've seen her!" I shouted, "I saw her just before I met you!" The snail looked at me in disbelief. "You couldn't have seen her, She won't appear for another week. That's when the festival is held." "NO," I said more forcefully this time. "I saw her. She appeared and then disappeared into thin air. Through what seemed to be a wall" "hmmmmmm," murmurd the snail. "we'd better go and tell the wizard"...
Blindblonde: The snail started off even faster, I was having trouble keeping up, while taking in my surroundings. Suddenly the snail stopped and I smacked right into his shell! He looked a tad annoyed but then looked up. We were standing at the foot of this giant rowan tree. "Um..sir?" Sir? who the heck is this snail talking to? Maybe he is still drunk I thought to myself. "Yes Bartholomew?" “Bartholomew? What kind of name is that for a snail?" I asked. He looked even more annoyed and said, "It's a family name, what can I do?" I looked back at the tree and my jaw dropped as I looked right into the face of...
Jenkiejen: an old owl. It had two piercing yellow eyes and gray feathers all around it's face. I jumped back as it startled me. I hadn't expected to see an owl looking straight at me when I turned my head. It hooted twice and raised both wings in the air then put it's wings together in front of himself and as it slowly moved it's wings apart, some kind of bright sparkling light swirled in front of the tree. As the tree grew taller and wider a small passageway started to emerge from the ground. At first the passageway was dark and then it revealed stairs going down inside the tree. The stairs were rising up to ground level. Shock and Awe must have been all over my face because my jaw fell to the floor. I thought to myself 'how could all this wonderful stuff have been here and I never noticed when I was just going about the garden?' The owl hooted once more and started to descend down the stairs. I looked at the snail and said, "That was better than using the intercom at Martha Stewart's house!" "Who???" he said back, "Never mind." I shook my head at him as I turned to follow the owl. The stairway was....
Squeek: Was winding downward and not very well lit. I kept tripping and bumping my head. I must have been talking to myself, for every few moments the snail asked me what I was saying! What I was saying? I thought to myself. How could I concentrate on what I was saying? I was awestruck at the beauty! The shaded glimpses I was able to see were breathtaking. Hard to really put into words. Flickering lights (fairies I suppose) were flittering by my head; I could hear their little wings beating. The walls were of the most beautiful burled wood with mosses and lichen growing from them and everywhere on the steps leading down were little, teeny weenie sparkling stones. just like diamonds all clustered around tiny toadstools, and the aroma, the wonderful, fabulous aroma of...
Haydaze: COOKIES!! There to my amazement were a bunch of, would you believe, Keebler Elves!! They were baking their delicious sweet treats. (And I always thought this was just something television made up). They were singing and dancing to some music being played by an all snail band. Just when I was starting to get into what was going on and asked my snail guide to dance…
Squeek: I slipped on snail trail slime..landed on my posterior end! Everyone..or should say everything..just sort of looked at me, down on the ground, surrounded by all those little shiny stones..hmmm, down here and up close it looks like it might be pixie dust..well for goodness sakes, I hadn't thought of pixie dust since I was a child! Now I'm sitting in it! Soon all started to gather around me and....
Blindblonde: “Well dust her off, for Petes sake!" Snapped the snail. We are off to speak to the wizard, the witch has arrived too early this year! They all gasped. What an odd sight I thought to myself. Maybe I DID bump my head, maybe I got sunstroke and never actually saw those talking snails, maybe..."HELLO? Are you paying attention?" I snapped out of my thought and looked back at...
Squeek: a soft purring sound..coming down the steps at a fast pace was the kitty..that little kitty with the somewhat evil twinkle in his eye. 'Get her up, Get her up....The wizard is waiting..Get her up!!!! Can't keep the wizard waiting!!' He ran past me ..tail straight up...leaving a cloud of pixie dust all around us.. And as he had past me, he proclaimed' Out of my way..you clumsy fool..skate, I said skate on snail trail slime..don't know nothin' these *#*!!@# humans! Don't know nothin' indeed!' Hmmm, everyone/thing was really gathered around me now...'Ughm, sorry' I said 'Could I have some help here, please'... The fairies buzzed around my head..the pixies kept fretting about their pixie dust being upheaved, squashed toadstools..critters to small to pay attention too scattering ...and after assessing the damage..
Jenkiejen: I looked at the dirt on the palms of my hands and started to brush the dirt off of them. The dust flakes spread in the air and added to the pixie dust falling from the fairies flittering above my head. Everything grew silent. I slowly looked up and saw the crowd of knomes, toadstools and other creatures making a path for something or some one. Then I saw him! It must have been the wizard! He was dressed in the most magical looking robe, made of what seemed to be watermelon colored silk. It was trimmed in the most elegant sparkling ruby and amethyst jewels. His staff in which he carried looked like a piece of driftwood with a fabulous emerald encased on top. I couldn't believe my eyes! The most interesting feature about the wizard was that he was not a man, fairy, or animal, he was an elf! He had such pointy ears and his beard reached the floor. He came within two feet of me stopped and said...
Squeek: 'Sooooo, you are here to see THE WIZARD, my clumsy fool, not knowing nothin' of a young damsel?' Being brought up to respect my elders[and obviously the Wizard WAS my elder{looked old as dirt}] I inquired 'Yes, Sir Wizard, such a pleasure to meet you, and you are well I presume?' Every creature gasped in awe...then fell very very silent..I turned to see my escort[the drunken hosta eating snail's reaction]...his head was in a downward position..turned and touching the ground, pixie dust sticking to his slimey sticky body.. ' I alone ,my naive, clumsy fool knowing noth'in young damsel WILL ASK All THE QUESTIONS!!!!' the Wizard proclaimed sternly. 'But, I was just being polite Sir Wizard, just asking how you were? I did not mean any disrespect..I am so sorry to have offended the customs of this hidden valley! Please forgive me, ' I kept babbling ' Surely you....'SILENCE' the Wizard's word exploded through my words 'Silence...he said softer...now, hear me well...
ljs2420: ....all your babbling is giving me a headache, and we wouldn't want that, now would we?", he said with that sinister laugh. "I'm sure you must be very confused and frightned by now....and your garden needs your care, doesn't it? HAHAHAHA!!!!!! If you want to go back, all you have to do is......"
Blindblonde: Find the witch and find out why she is here WAY too soon for the festival. I fear she is up to no good this year. She has been in such a tizzy since her sister fell ill... "Her sister is ill?" Again I got one of those annoyed looks thrown my way. Yes, it seems someone switched her Basil with Belladonna! She made this lovely bruchetta for dinner and has been sick for months. Her sister is sure of foul play...but it seems to be a mystery.... Or you can lick this bannana slug...they taste like spearmint, you know. What a choice...
Squeek:YEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWwwwww! I will find out why the witch is here waaaay too soon.. Lick aaaa?? yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk!!!! yewaaaa!
Blindblonde: So off I go, back up the steps... "Wait!" I hear, "Take him with you" Who? I look down and there is this little earthworm with a jaunty little bowler hat on. A WORM? I ask...
Jenkiejen: He will be the guide for your journey. Just listen to what he has to say and you will make it through Fire Ant Valley. "Fire Ant Valley?" another annoyed look from the Wizard, "oh, nevermind, I shall do my best" I set off up the mossy stairs holding my new guide in the palm of my hand. He couldn't stop grinning at me. As I exited the tree, I now saw him in the sun and I held him close up to my face where our eyes met. He then...
Blindblonde: Farted. "Beg, pardon, M'am! Too many beans for lunch." He then smiled, and said...
Squeek: in a melodious tone..'Its off we go, Its off we go..To Fire Ant Valley we go, hee,hee! This worm knows the way..No need to fret..no need I say..cuz this worm knows the way..its off to Fire Ant Valley we go...heee, heee! 'Oh geezmaneez' I said to myself...'I'm being guided to some foresaken place with a singing blind worm'. 'Come, come..follow me..don't hesitate..we can't be late..to Fire Ant Valley we goooooo' And with that last little ditty..he disappeared into the soil..leaving only that blasted bowler hat sitting on top of his soily entrance beneath the ground. 'Hey, I screamed...hey...come back here!!' After a few moments the bowler hat started to slowly rise..and then this little earthworm 'head' was visible..in a singing voice he exclaimed' follow me..don't hesitate..we can't be late....I took one teenie baby step toward the worm..and wooosh..I started to sink..'Oh how fitting I yelled..a blind earthworm taking me down to Fire Ant Valley!Where is a peppermint flavored banana slug when you need one"...and deeper into the earth I sank...
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