The Simpsons

Quotes From My Hero Homer Jay Simpson

• "Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"
• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
• "That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!"
• "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
• "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."
• "No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed."
• "You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
• "Trying is the first step towards failure."
• "I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming."
• "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
• "Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman."
• "Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."
• "Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button."

• "If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.”

• "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"
• "Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."
• "Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!"
• "I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!"
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• "Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
• “Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.”
• “Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.”
• Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
  Homer: I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty ... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
• Flanders: "I think we hit something."
  Homer: "I hope its Flanders"
• Marge: Homer! Stop! you'll kill us all!
  Homer: Or die trying!
• Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
  Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...
• "But I'm not a missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus!"
• Homer: I will give up the civil war recreation society I so dearly love.
  Bart: And I will take up smoking and give that up!
  Homer: Good boy, that's a tough thing to have to go through. Here's a dollar.
  Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
  Homer: Didn't he lisa, didn't he?
• "Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?"
• "Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?"

Quotes From Lil Bart Simpson

• "No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
• "There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
• "What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it."
• "What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my understanding."

Quotes From Grandpa Simpson

• “Now my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say ‘dickety’ cause the Kaiser had stolen our word ‘twenty’. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.”
• “Y’know,you remind me of a poem I can’t remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I’m not sure I’ve ever been to.”
• “Well, whenever I’m confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions.”