Journal Entry #13 October 18, 2003
I GOT ON HORNOR ROLL!!! ^-^Anyways, besides that great piece of information, I finally created my own layout and it is now being sported on this page...I so happy.
I also have art submissions (only 2) for my Gaian contest, I always wondered why no one takes this stuff seriously but those two submissions will go up in my graphics area later :)
What else is there to tell...I still hate Mrs. Mona Jesse...she gives us a load of assignments that we have to have done by this week sometime...I'm hoping Friday but with her she'll probably want it this Monday.
I MIGHT get my guitar fixed today...or get a new one, whenever mom decides to wake up. Yes, it's 1 PM and she's STILL asleep...bleh.
Journal Entry #12 September 28, 2003
The last time I ever saw Darin,I had given him a keychain that was shaped like a key
It was part of a match set with a heart complete with keyhole in the middle.
I told him
"I give you the key to my heart"
...and ironicly around the time
he ripped my heart out, I lost the heart
...I have yet to find it again, doubt I ever will.
I have been having an ever growing dread of when Darin finally finishes basic because I am terrified that he will come back here. For so many reasons and for each a different senario I have thought of, and it has scared me half to death. I have come to loathe myself and I now know beyond any reasoning that even if that night was not my fault and I could not have stopped it in anyway I will forever be blaming myself and considering myself tarnished and soiled...no good and never will be. The emotional strain over the last year has been enough for a grown person to snap with and yet I am still here...my fear of him coming back is the fear of what I should do...I have not admitted to anyone my truths...I still love him but I can't bare the pain he has caused me and so many of my senarios are frightening to me...
What if he comes back to talk...to get his chess set...try and be friends (though he has yet to try ever)...to for some reason win my heart back...what would I do? If he came to see me I have always thought I would open the door and see him...burst into tears and run away...another thought would be that I would scream at him and tell him he will never possess anything in this house again...another is the most ridiculous and though I despise it the most and know it won't happen, my mind just won't let it drop because of the feeling attatched to it...what if he asks me back...I would be so lost...I fear that more than him coming to my door at all...I don't think I could bare another pain like that, not like that...I don't think I could look at him the same because he isn't the same and everything he's done is beyond my dealing with pain. If he asked me a part of me is still wanting to say yes but only if he proved he meant it this time, and I hate asking for proof but I feel that I would need it...I don't think he is worthy of me...I think he is beyond any living being for his cruelty...and my deepest wish is to see him live the rest of his life and die alone...and a slight hope that someday he would realize he missed the best thing he would ever have, in me, and that he would regret what he has done, but those things will never happen. I am so terrified of him wanting me back even if it is absolutly impossible for him to want me...because he has told me he would never want me back, just use my body, with consent of course because we all know he isn't an asshole *sarcasm*
I don't want him to exist for me anymore, I don't want the doorbell to ring one day in November and for him to be standing there in his best army outfit asking me for his chess set or for anything...I gave him everything I had and I don't want to give him anymore, I have nothing left to give.
The person I was has been changed drastically and forever...I never feel as happy as I used to...I stay up later than usual and I stare at things in candle light...I think of the past and I can't escape it...people tell me to move on but I can't stop something if it just happens so suddenly...if I was wallowing I could help it...but I don't know when I'm going to start crying or lighting a candle and sit in the dark waiting for whatever it is I'm waiting for.
I have moved on as much as I have forced myself to in the last 4 months...but it's the subconsious that won't let it go now...and you can't do something about an automatic response...I'm better than I was and that's the best I can expect.
I think I've been lighting candles lately in the dark and setting them beside my bed to see the way the light used to be on my bed at night when Darin was still here...it was always an ember twilight in my room and the color comforted me. I turned the tv in my room on, I have no channels but I just let the static fill my room...because I used to play video games on the tv...it belonged to him and he let me have it when he moved.
I stare at pictures and smile at the days that I remember so vividly being so happy...the worst thing that ever happened to me in those days was being bucked off a horse and than in gr. 10 turned down by a guy I asked out...
The only person so far that hasn't said to get over it and it heals in time, as in a few months, is Mrs. Klein...which I find strange...but what she said might not be comforting but it was new to me and I was greatful she said it and the way she said it was comforting enough...it will take years to get over it...possible more considering the circumstances for it...why did it have to be blamed on me...why was i the one who had to destroy it...my mom says it would have happened anyways because that was how Darin is...I'm sure she is right...but the fact is that it happened this way...and the blame was so heavily laid on me for something I felt so incredibly in pain over that I broke.
I don't want to be in pain anymore i want this to go away but it won't...it keeps resurfacing and I keep crying my eyes out and I wish I had someone that I felt comfortable with who would stay up with me all night and just hold me...but I'm not that comfortable with anyone I know...I am still a shell as I was when I was little...I let people in completly yet I don't find it comfortable for them to be near me when I'm sad...and now it's worse because the only person I ever let stay with me when I was bawling my eyes out is gone...the only person that I shared the worst things I never even told my family, that I let touch me...that I let love me...that I let him...I let him in and I let him take me and I felt safe with him...it was new to me to have someone to be so intimate with and have no fears of what they would say...because he never said anything...
This will be the only time that I admit this...because I never let people touch me when I'm sad...but right now I would give whatever is left of myself for someone to hold me and just let me bawl my eyes out and drench their shirt and to love me and for me to love them and somehow get rid of this unceasing pain that haunts every god damn movement i make. I would give so much but I don't want to give anymore...I want to be so selfish and take everything from someone...even if it's just for awhile...
Whenever I say to myself I feel like dying my eyes always stray to my small shrine of Justin and even the meaningless words slip away and I remember him and I refuse to let myself do what he did...I refuse to take his fate, I refuse to let the pain take what little remains of my heart.
Everyday on the bus we stop at Colin's house to drop his brother off...most of the time I don't look at his house but not a day goes by that when I look at his brother I think of Colin and think of what happened and a wavering feeling comes quickly and leaves quickly...like a faded memory...if I look at his house I get this feeling of falling and I just want the bus to leave...
When I'm alone memories have a tendancies to jump at me unless I vacate my mind of thought and just escape into the reality I have made online...
My theme song now lays upon my neck and I wear it as a slogan...and an outward and unheard plea for help that I know will never come because this is 'old news' as Krystal put it and no one cares anymore, they just want me to get over it so they can go back to believing the world is beautiful...my life is old news and as such I treat it that way...I don't talk about what happened and I try to forget it...I don't talk to people who ask and I pretend I'm fine so that everyone can live in their world. The words "Rest In Pieces" the name of the song exactly capture my plea...I want this all to go away, I want people let me cry for a long time just let me rest in pieces and never ask me to fix myself...after months of trying I am tired of it...I just want to hide away, I don't want to leave my house unless I have to...so I ask everyone who knew what happens...Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces? I would love nothing more than to put this behind me but unlike Darin...I cannot just wash my hands of it and walk away...
Journal Entry #11 September 14, 2003
I need to do my homework...Other than that I just felt like rambling. Now that I think of it there isn't much I can think of to ramble about. Tomorrow is school photos...I have a lot of homework that I refuse to do...and I don't really care. Strange usually I'd be freaking out but I just don't care at all. Maybe because I have accomplished a really cool project that I'll hand in for art class tomorrow and maybe because I know that for as much work as all that homework is...I can type fast enough to get it done in really short short order. ^-^ I'm on top of the world yet I feel so lazy.
I remembered what I wanted to talk about!! Yesterday my dad's car killed itself on the road and he left to go get some towing for it and he forgot to lock the doors so he got robbed. They took really stupid things out of it but one of them included a set of keys to our house. So we had to change our locks and get keys cut. Mom and I had a strange day yesterday cuz it was the first time that all day we were not on computers or watching TV...instead we stayed up till 1 in the morning doing crafts...with no sound. It was different.
Journal Entry #10 September 13, 2003
School started again, someone hit me over the head....wait...my gif is already doing that. Anyways, I have lots of homework and what am I doing right now?? I'm updating my site. I have to get my sites organized and the more I think of it, the more that I will be taking down my Zodiac site and just putting a short snippit area where you can hear bad recordings of my voice.I saw The Order a few days ago, trust me, if you even remotely liked The Thirteenth Gate with Johnny Depp you'll love this movie.
I'm worried about my fish, yes my scum suckers cuz all my other fish died!! One is moving really sluggishly and even though that's normal for scum suckers, it isn't normal for mine. My fish are really excited and they swim just like normal fish that don't eat algea so now one is swimming kind of on its side and barely ever moves, I think it's dying. When I cleaned the fish tank yesterday I found it laying behind the bubble filter and that freaked me out cuz it was just laying there, I poked it and it moved like it was dead...kinda just flopped in whatever position you moved it and the water shifted to. So I was sad thinking it was dead and proceeded to clean the tank and move the other fish out. When I was lifting out the bottom tray of the bubble filter I noticed it was moving. I poke it a few more times and it wiggled around. I got all excited and kept telling it to hold on...ehheh *sweat drops*...I'm very attached to my fish. Well it's alive, don't know if it will be in a few days though...
Journal Entry #9 August 28, 2003
It's been a very long time since I last wrote something. A lot has happened but I don't really feel like TRYING to remember all the details. School starts again in a very short while...like 4 days...I GOT A NEW BOOK BAG!! WHOOO HOOO...yes it looks amazing and sexy and I'll love it forever...it has so many slots and compartments I don't know what I'm gonna do with em all!Yes..my birthday was actually a 3 parter, once with my parents the night before my birthdy :( something bad happened after I got home but who cares? It's over with. The next day I spent at the mall with a Jehova witness...
...they don't celebrate birthdays...and then a week and a half later I actually HAD my birthday party with Dani and Nell...we went to ruckers and got some kick ass Yu-Gi-Oh cards and then we went swimming and then we ate at a very pretty Chinese Restaurant and then we went bowling. Over all, lots of fun. Oh and I got the really big urge to finally own manga since Nell brought like volum 1 to 3 of Chobits and Dani brought Shonen Jump (sp). So I got mom to take me to Reader's and I bought 130 dollars worth of...CHOBITS...makes me mad...they had all the way to volume 7 of 8 but not the last one. Baka...Now since I haven't updated this site in a million years I must see if I can revamp some stuff. I took down my shrine because it was a mammoth project that never would have been completed...and I need to do a lot of stuff before school starts...so I'm off again.
Journal Entry #8 August 6, 2003
Yes, life is boring...all I do is work all summer...work...work...work...I get a summer eventually if my employer likes it or not, I AM GETTING ONE. I want my time off at the last two weeks of summer and if she doesn't hand it over I'm firing myself :PLara Croft's new movie was very good, showed you the more personal side of the character which is good if they plan on making more movies.
I've been obsessed with Go-gaia for awhile and I have lots of fun on it for no real reason other than I set up my own Bingo on it and give away money whenever I feel like it...like yesterday...I was mad cuz no matter how many times I pressed the button on the randomizer no one was winning so I set it to pick a number between 1 and 10 and whoever it picked would win 1000 gold...Wilhem won, and it's still legit how he won so don't think I rigged it...I just don't want anyone not to win...and I hadn't given away a thousand yet so it looked like a good idea :)
I got 3 new DVDs...Benny and Joon, Mermaids and Moonstruck. All good ol' late 80's early 90's classics. Benny and Joon was one of my childhood favorites because it was one of two videos that my grandma owned and depending on how long we stayed I usually ended up popping it in the VCR the moment we got there.
I'm going for a walk with Kaleb in a little while...if he ever actually calls that is...so later all :)
Journal Entry #7 July 25,2003
I don't really know what to talk about. I went to the Stampede the first day it was here and got a cheap 2.00 admission fee. I took Dani and Kaleb with me and we had a lot of fun besides me throwing up...my stomach just can't handle much anymore. I spent about 35 dollars on Dani cuz she had no money but she intends to pay me back. I'm a nice loan shark, no interest and none of me knocking on the door asking for your weight in gold by flesh...*shivers*Kaleb didn't have money either for the first hour we were there so I ended up paying for him as well, about 35-40 dollars worth but he paid me back when we found an ATM machine.
We were there for 7 or 8 hours total and we found the god of all sunscreen SPF 50 Sea and Ski...if you do not want to even get a remote tan wear that stuff!!
What I got this year:
*1 fish plushie toy that my dog has claimed and is now eating
*1 Fuzzie weird thing that sits on my bed
(total 5.00 for the game I got those one)
*1 Sunflower toy that can twist around anything, really cool for a small prize!
*1 Chinese style change purse -- 4.50
*1 beautiful fan...that Kaleb lost :( --3.50
*A bunch of food and slushies
It was actually a really fun day except for the loss of my fan, went perfectly with my grad dress...maybe I'll get another one. Before we went to the Stampede we also went to a pancake breakfest at around 9 and then went to the mall and played Jurrasic Park shooting game and DDR until noon.
At the stampede we watched a dog show, a gymnist show and a magic show...more shows than I've seen all the other times I've gone to the fair. We went to the petting zoo as well and looked at the army tanks on display and ran around inside the exhibits, looked at art, etc, etc.
So out of 10 how was my day? 8.5
Journal Entry #6 July 2, 2003
I was in a good mood but my journal didn't save so now I'm a littler perturbed.I did get my job at Tim Hortons and but for 2 totally stupid girls that work there, it's kinda cool. I don't really feel like working there tomorrow or the next day but I have to. Training was fun but now I just wish that they would stop hovering so much unless I need them around. Them constantly breathing down my neck makes me screw up and also the fact that you seem to always have to be moving and being frantic.
I got new clothes and I got the Lord of the Rings pc game cuz I was bored.
I saw my therapist today who got my mom to come in to talk about the Dr. Awaba (sp???) and we ruled her out as I doubt I need drugs. We had a discussion and I'll be seeing her on a regular basis just because I feel like it.
I officially have decided to buy the Excel Saga DVDs because I downloaded all of the episodes except episode 26, which is almost done and I like everything so far. With the money I'm making at Tim Hortons I can buy them all on my first paycheck WOO HOO.
I'm obsessed with the Go Gaia site, it needs something more to it though than to gather gold by clicking on everything so you can buy clothes for your avater and voting on pictures, other than that I like the communication and the feedback for drawings. Aurora Black Cat is there and, surprise surprise, she's the number 1 artist but she ranks #2 overall for posts and votes. I rank at #833 and out of a score of 10 for votes I have 4.913, which is not bad since Aurora only has 8.486. I am not at the bottom of the food chain for artists cuz the whole number right now is thirteen thousand something. I think my rank is going down though because I moved the pictures to the apropriate spot on my website and now the links for them are wrecked. I will fix that.
Other than that there hasn't been much else that I can think of, and if I forget I'll mention it next time.
Journal Entry #5 June 13,2003
Yesterday sucked...I went for my job interview but she forgot that I was there
so I was there for an hour waiting. Hopefully I get the job. On top of that Darin decided to be an ass
and hurt me. I'd rather not explain right now but I am thinking of putting up a .txt section on my 'Other'
page and place the converstations on it. Today is Friday the 13th and ironically enough...it would have
been our 13th month together. I've come to the conclusion that I may love Darin, but I don't want him back.
Not unless something changes, he doesn't get what happened and I doubt he ever will...I reached the point
where I started to doubt everything I had said...I'm so confused now because I don't know if what happened
was truely my fault or not or if I had every intention of doing what I did or not...I don't even know if I
had control or not anymore...I just don't know...I'm starting to see why Darin wouldn't believe me but I
still think that he should have...I don't know what I did now...I do, but the reasoning behind it has been
beaten out of me and I just feel totally broken.
Journal Entry #4 June 12, 2003
Yesterday was a bit strange for me. I ended up playing with my cousin Britty
and then offering to take her to the park, I took her with my friend Kaleb. Kaleb has been trying too hard
lately with the 'dating induendos' he's always done things like that but it seems like now that he believes
Darin is out of the picture that he can up it a knotch. I don't want to be mean but it makes me uncomfortable.
I am treating him no different than any other friend I have, if he believes I had ulterior motives for inviting
him to my house to eat with my family that's his own fault. It's as simple as the fact that my uncle bought
smokies, my mom bought porkchops and my dad bought burgers...we had more food than 6 people could eat.He didn't feel 'right' about coming over to eat with my family...somehow he thought that would mean we were dating...if I had thought of it I would have invited his posse he was with too...Adam and Reed. I have invited several people to my house to eat before, I don't see the difference. On top of that I had to warn him when he did decide to come over to take Britty for a walk (woof) that what I was wearing was not dressy. To explain:
-my family bought an outdoor cover thingy...don't know what it's called
-I helped set it up
-I put the garbage in the dumpster
-it was very fricken muddy outside
-had to change my clothes and wash my hair
-after washing my hair I felt like wearing something more lose than jeans
-I put on a skirt
-needed a shirt to match the skirt...put on a black top and a necklace
-voila...clothes...to me, nothing special
I ended up ripping the skirt slit farther up that day but I figured all it did was make it easier for me to swing on the swings. Britty got really upset when we were walking home cause she thought her parents would be angry at her because she had ran away before, I tried telling her they wouldn't be mad cause she was with me and she wasn't running away...but this is a 5 year old we're talking about. Her dad found us and drove us home and for the next 15 minutes she ran around asking if anyone was scared or sad she was gone.
Yeah, sometimes I'm more than fine with kids...and sometimes I'm less than fine with advances. I don't like being hit on, I never have...I dislike guys looking at me or trying to get to know me, unless I like the person in THAT way I don't feel they need to look at me...I know that's wierd. I just don't like guys in general and I don't like constant flirting with me...it makes me feel like I'm in a box.
Journal Entry #3 June 10, 2003
I truely believe there was something wrong with the fast food industry yesterday.
Mom and I went to Value Village because they were having a 50% off sale but we had slim pickens and I didn't
find material I wanted for my costume...SO...I'm going either as Mistress 9 to the Animethon or a Kimono girl
cause I bought a modern kimono while I was there.ANYWAY, we went for food...and this is bad...
#1: A&W
We walk in...everyone is huddled in the corner staring at us (robbery you think??). They looked like a bunch
of deer in headlights "Oh no!!! WE have been DISCOVERED!!!" Some dude comes rushing at us and says they are
having a meeting, please go away...this is during business hours WTF?? Turns out when we left the building
there was this itty bitty sign that said they were closed until 7:59 PM (why not just say 8:00???). Hey,
if they are going to have a Staff Meeting, lock the doors...leave a bigger sign...do it not during business
hours when there are customers...
#2: Burger King
The next place we went to for food was Burger King...talk about Mad Cow Disease running a muck...not a single
soul of a customer resounded in those walls as we went in there...it was deathly quiet the entire time we
were there...like it was the Holy Restaraunt or something. Anyway, no Staff Meeting sign outside...but a
sign for 2 Whopper Jr. Meals for 4.99. HOLY COW (hehe I made a funny) that's a good deal! We order it...
these don't look like Whoppers...they are smaller than MY hand (I have small hands) and the fries are in
boxes smaller than kid's meal boxes and drinks that look like they were once a small but someone cut them
down a bit more...the sign was very misleading...and we reread it a few times and our receipt cause the receipt
said we had a double Whopper meal....yeah huh....the truth that we came to believe was that it is a Whopper
but kid sized....JR. MEAL....so we're starving...
#3 Wendy's
Our last resort...and the food was good. The only problem here was this jerk that worked there had his friends
as customers so for his break he goes over and talks to them...perfectly harmless right? Now I don't care if
the customers are your friends or not you DO NOT take a glove filled with water and squirt them with it...
his friends got pissed off and threw his drink at him...soaking him and getting spots on the customers behind
him. The manager lady came out and gave them absolute hell for it...they just giggled. People who don't take
their job seriously, no matter how big the job is, annoy me...there are people (like me) who don't have
jobs and are trying to find jobs and seeing a jerk who doesn't care about his just playing around bugs me...
Anyway...adventures in Food Land are over...I hope I am saved from the horror of seeing Bev and her kids
(husband included) today...they were supposed to be here yesterday and one of the reasons mom took me to the
Value Village besides me needing to was so that she wouldn't have to be here...they annoy us both too much.
Turns out they changed their mind and were not coming until this morning...hopefully they are gone by the time
I get home...I'm really not in the mood to entertain Britty...she's impossible to entertain without her
getting upset with you, and I'm not really in the range of anything to be around children.
Journal Entry #2 June 6, 2003
So, how am I doing today after the initial 'let us bash ourselves into the wall so
that we can wallow in self pity for a bit and then realize it isn't entirely your fault get over it' phase?
Not much better, I was just really upset yesterday and I needed to write down how I felt at that time, I
know I felt like trash and in a way I still do but I'm pretty sure anyone would.When I came home yesterday my mom had a small talk with me and asked me what she would like me to do. I just told her to do nothing and she said that would have been all she could do because in truth, when someone leaves you...you are alone...especially in the reasoning that only you can help yourself get over it. My problem is that I love him and as long as I love him, I'll be hurt.
To get to the news I wanted to tell about, my mom had wanted to cheer me up last night so she had taken me into her room. There hanging on the rail of the bed was this dress. This dress was a dress I had tried on 2 years ago for my brother's grad and I wanted it for my own and ever since then I've been searching for it. Mom had bought it the day I tried it on. I, of course, burst into tears and she felt bad. That was a 'bittersweet' moment for me. Now I have the dress but I don't have the man I really wanted to go to my grad with.
Another big thing about yesterday was that I had jokingly said into a microphone I was going to go home and commit suicide, well appearently the school says teachers are supposed to report this. So, now I have to go to Mr. Cook's office sometime today and I get a big write up about it. Good policy and all I suppose but do they really think that if someone were going to kill themselves that they would say that in front of their classmates and their teacher into a MICROPHONE?? I'm having a really bad year but I would never concieve of ending my life. It's basically me saying that to feel better in some wierd little way. I don't feel like dying but it's just the fact that my body feels like it's shriveling up.
On the brighter side, I'll be applying at the new Tim Whore that is opening up across the street. If I work there I can get work experience through the school and get 10 more credits, which means that I'd have enough credits to graduate before the next school year even starts, but I'm still going to school.
Anyway, I have other parts of this website to maintain and I must get to that.
Journal Entry #1 June 5, 2003
Darin broke up with me last night, we've been dating for a year and 19 days. I don't
really know how to act or feel, I don't want to be acting like how everyone knows I will and I don't want
everyone telling me all that stuff I already know; those stupid speeches and inspirational words. This is not
something new but I think it is new that a person who has never been in a relationship can immeditatly
comprehend all the factors. It isn't that I don't know that I will move on and it isn't like I don't know
all those dumb speeches that I hate to hear and thankfully have not had one yet it's just that this hurt me
and I need time to make the big hole in my heart smaller...it will never go away.Darin will remain my friend, which may cause problems for my little heart later on but what is important is that he is still my friend. I don't agree with why he broke up with me...I wish he could have believed me and I wish a lot of things but in the end it doesn't matter what I did to try and prove the truth, he will no longer listen. I don't blame him and I don't hate him, he was unhappy so he got out of what was making him unhappy and all I wanted was for him to be happy.
It hurts that the only way to bring his happiness was to basically 'destroy' mine and make me miserable. I tried to make him happy but you can't do that for a person who refuses to have someone else make them happy.
I stand by what I told him and I will always stand by the fact that I have never lied to him and what happened that night 7 months ago was out of my control. The reason for our breakup was because he could not forgive a choice I had made in fear. It upsets me to no end that he could not believe me and that our relationship end because I told the truth.
I can never write it how I feel...I feel really hurt, I feel like I gave him everything and I tried everything to make him happy and to fix what happened but he still left me. I don't feel like he gave me enough in the relationship and I feel he didn't because he felt like what happened had nulled any reason for him to do so.
I still want his forgiveness but I'm never going to get it. That hurts, I just don't understand how telling the truth, being a victim and then trying to atone for the error I made that brang me to become a victim would end in me suffering even more.
I have suffered, I was hurt when he moved back home, I was hurt when Justin died, I was hurt even worse when I was in the car with Colin and Assman and I failed to save myself, I hurt when I hurt Darin, I hurt everytime he brang the incident up and made it feel even if it was only partially my fault that I was scum for not being able to stop it...for not trying to stop it...for my lack of judgement, everything. I have been constantly abused in my mind and I have suffered beyond what I deserved and still it doesn't matter.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
IT DOESN'T MATTER
IT DOESN'T MATTER
I CAN'T FIX WHAT HAPPENED AND BECAUSE OF THE CHOICE I MADE I HAVE TO SUFFER MY ENTIRE LIFE AND BE SCRUTINIZED AND LOOKED DOWN ON AND HATED BY THE ONLY PERSON THAT I WANTED TO BELIEVE ME BUT WOULDN'T. I ONLY WANTED TO BE FORGIVEN FOR STAYING IN A CAR WHEN I SHOULD HAVE LEFT, I ONLY WANT THE HURT TO GO AWAY AND AS MUCH AS EVERYONE TELLS ME IT WILL GO AWAY, THE RELATIONSHIP PAIN IS ONLY A PORTION OF WHAT I'M FEELING.
I feel like total trash, Darin didn't want me because I made the mistake of trusting his friends...I let them manipulate. I feel worthless and alone and I feel like no one cares because there are a select few things that you could ever say to me to make me feel better at a select few times...no one knows what they are...and so I stay upset. I don't feel like I'm worthy to be loved because all I'll end up doing is making a stupid mistake and it will be all over. I feel like a victim, I feel like I was raped and no one cares...no one knows how to handle that. No one cares about what happens to me...and I get to points where I feel all of this and then I get to a point where I am completly empty and I don't feel anything because I've exhausted it all to the point that I only know how to function my body. I HURT because the biggest mistake I ever made destroyed everything I had, everything I wanted to have and it destroyed me...I lost everything because I was too much of a victim to try harder to save myself.
It isn't just the fact that my relationship died, it's the fact that with it...everything else died...just 3 weeks before it ended I had finally consulted people on everything that was eating me up inside and I was finally getting better, I was finally getting over what happened...now I'm not even back to square one, I don't know where I am.
I'm lost