Evan Johnson has often shown disgust towards others who show affection towards animals. He would routinely comment on how Mike Constantine would "rape" his dogs, and be critical of anyone else who as much touched an animal. But a shocking report has revealed that Evan Johnson has secretly longed for the sweet, tender touch of Moo and Baby.
"It is time for me to break the silence." Said is brother Nick.
"When we shared a bedroom he would always be talking in his sleep about how we wanted to get cuddly-wuddly with Baby and how it would be glorious to have Moo lick his face clean."
Evan Johnson has since denied these claims, but we all know that they're true.
The music world mourned today as Mike Constantine announced his retirement from music.
"I think that I have brought all that I can to the world of music. I gave it all I got and the world is a better place because of it. The time has come for me to step aside and allow another to pass the torch."
Although most of the world is shocked and saddened by this, not all are surprised. In fact one Scott Johnson is rather upset.
"That fucker. I took his goofy ass to West Virginia twice and gave that ungrateful piece of shit a nice mic for his birthday. As far as I'm concerned he can take his harmonica and shove it up his ass."
Johnson's sentiment is in stark contrast with the rest of the world, however, a growing number of people is joining the movement. They intend to protest Constantine's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame later this month.
In a telephone converation earlier this week Mike Constantine told Evan Johnson that it was his Dad's birthday. When asked how old his father turned, Constantine replied "13." For some reason Evan started to giggle excessively.
"He he he he he he he he he he he...13!...he he he he he he he he he he he he he he...he's only 13!...he he he he he." Evan responded
Constantine tried to explain that is wasn't that funny, but by the time Evan stopped his brand new 400 minute phone card had expired.
They've argued about guns, racism, and fear, but now you can add free market econmic policies to the list.
Eariler today Mike Constantine and Evan Johnson squared off in a debate about what econmic policies that the United States should have.
"Studies have shown that free market economies lower costs, raise efficiency, increase productivity, and create jobs." Argued Mike
"If the United States wants to have a strong economy it is imperitive that we allow the free market and the laws of supply and demand to dictate. We do not need the government to step in and screw things up."
Evan Johnson, a communist, greatly opposes what Constantine had to say. However, what lost him the argument was when the only sources that he sited were The Daily Show, The Onion, and David Cross.
"Did you know that John Ashcroft thinks that calico cats are the sign of the devil?" Evan stated.
But by then it was too late. Mike Constantine is 113-7 overall in debates with Evan Johnson.
It all started in the year 2000. Mitch Burke smoked some bad weed and became violently ill. Looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost and sweating like Shane Verway playing 'Owner of a Lonely Heart,' Mitch Burke did the unthinkable.
"I didn't believe my eyes." Recounts eyewitness Evan Johnson
"It was about as wide as my thigh, as long as my arm, and a nasty shade of grey. I knew that it was Mitch because I saw him go into the bathroom and I saw him leave in great pain a few minutes later."
Mitch Burke has reportedly unleashed more grey pythons since that fateful day, but until now has hasn't suffered any consequences.
"I've seen hand grenades that did less damage than this." Stated General Lee.
"Fourteen of my men keeled over at the mere sight of that beast, and the rest of my platoon is in insensive care."
Mitch Burke has been given a dishonorable discharge as a result and will spent the next 17 years in Rakers Island Prison in New York. Looks that no more Madison for Mitch.
Earlier today Mike Constantine had a common experience; Mike looked at a girl and she smiled back.
"I think that it is my rugged good looks, my tall figure, and my charm." Mike said.
"People don't seem to realize the signifigance of a smile."
Although Mike has recieved a lot of smiles this year, he has yet to actually talk to a girl in Iowa.
A livejournal user by the name of the_puma_spirit has caused Evan Johnson to sue livejournal.com.
"I don't think I've ever read anything in that thing that didn't make my ashamed and sad." Evan told us.
"I hate it and I don't think I'm alone."
Alone he is not. Joshua the Rapist has informed us that livejournal.com's stock has falled 30 points since the_puma_spirit has opened up shop, and even the ACLU is outraged. In a statement issued earlier today the ACLU said:
"The contents of that journal are so disgusting that we have launched a campaign to have that disturbed sould censored. We still believe in freedom of speech, after all we supported a group of Nazi's when they wanted to march through a Jewish community which was also the home of several Holocaust survivors, but what the_puma_spirit has written just crosses the line."
Judge Charles H. Constantine will preside over this case, which is expected to begin sometime next week.
Janitor Edna Stevens has dealt with some nasty odors in her day, but what has been coming from room N260 in Hillcrest Hall has become too hard to handle.
"My hair is naturally flat, but after walking past that room earlier today my head immediately burst into curls." She observed
"During the cold snap a couple of weeks ago my car wouldn't start. All I had to do was grab a pair of undies from that room, throw them on my hood and I was on my way."
The inhabitant behind that crazy stench was unavailable for comment, but we were able to get from him several funny grins.