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4/10/03
i would have updated this earlier but not much had been going on, which for now i think is a good thing considering my life has been pretty hectic for the past month or more.
i think the only thing that is going on is sam. she feeling down again and i still haven't heard exactly why she's upset again. i don't know what i should or what i can do to try to help, i don't even know if i should try. she says she wants to talk but we still haven't found the ideal time and or place to talk one on one.
i guess one good thing is that i think i'm finally over becca. usually when i see her or hear her talk it just annoys the hell out of me. but i do hope we can be friends or if not that we can at least be on talking terms.
but after losing becca, probably for good, it makes me wonder if i'll ever be with someone for the long haul. hugging a friend isn't the same as someone who you love and ador beyond that friendship level. i wish i could be with someone who loves me as much as i love them. that feeling that you get when you hug or kiss your love and the feeling that you know they care for you and that they are with you is the most unbelievable feeling. once you've had a little you can't get enough. but all good things come to an end: luck, relationships, and life.
i guess one good thing about school, and most likely there won't be one again, but today was the first day for a total of three weeks that six german exchange students were in my school. and they are all pretty cool and two of them live in my neighborhood which i thought was kinda weird but probably the best part is that one of them isn't bad looking if ya know what i mean. but then the problem comes because a lot of other people like 'em to, it's not like anything would ever happen but it's good to at least dream and wonder what it would be like to maybe have a real relationship (whether she be german or alien).
i need to get out an do something and keep my mind busy. the problem is i don't know what i want to do or what i can do.
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4/6/03
guess who's back, back again; bry's back, that's who! i'm finally back without further adue, it's been almost a month since my last update since the musical took up most of my time. all in all i think the musical did really well, two of the three nights were sold out and the third night they were selling fold out chairs as well so the third night we were over sold out.
let's see, this weekend has been pretty boring and just a smidge weird. friday becca was talking to me about how she misses me and other crap about how she would like to go back out with me and how she will talk about things more and she was talking about how she took time out for herself to learn things and she said she did and now she has changed which i think was a bunch of crap. she said she was happy and all when i asked her out, don't know why i did, i guess i thought i still liked her and vise versa, but i guess that's not true, she even said how she's going to try to make it work out this time and really make the relationship work. i was all excited and happy and then less than a day later she has somone else write a letter telling me she wants to end the relationship before it starts. she said again just like last time that it isn't my fault and it's her fault and the other crap she said the first time around. then the rest of the weekend she didn't wanna talk to me or whatever the reason i didn't talk to her. so it was time to leave yak and come back home and i was planning on writing notes to her in the car since she rode up in my car, but then when we're leaving she ends up in char's car and rides back with them. so i was left writing to lisa and copycat big-ego matt. and just off the subject, for whatever reason matt is growing on me, and i'm not really sure why. so anyway, when i got back to the church becca had already left so i still haven't talked to her to try to see what the hell is going on and what went on. i just want her reason i think it would be a whole lot better and easier for her to just tell me the truth and give me the reason. *sighs* i think for now i'm just going to give up on girls all together, because i don't think they know what they want.
what else...? oh, some of the youth from church want to try to put a band together (might work out) and some of the people also want to make a puppet troupe (probably won't work out), we got the idea of puppets from a group that was at yak. by the way, yak was a big waste of time, i did absolutely nothing and part of the reason being char and nothing really got done at yak and most of the people had no idea what they were voting for so it was pretty much pointless.
i think that's all for now, i'm going to try to get back into the swing of updating daily, we'll see how long it takes me to do that.
luv ya sam. *really big giant hug*
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3/10/03
i feel really bad and no it's not only because of becca (more about her in a bit).
one of my friends, matt, his g/f broke up with him. they have been dating for over 9 months now i think. that's sad and all and i kinda know how it feels but the worst part is that she broke up with him through the internet by sending him an e-mail. matt said he didn't feel like talking about it which i don't blame him for not wanting to but my best wishes go out to him because he's a good kid usually and he deserves to be happy like a lot of people deserve to be.
okay, now on to becca...
let's see, i talked to her a couple nights ago on IM. what basically came of it was that she's "going through stuff" and for now she only wanted to be friends. but she said maybe more than a friend in the future. my question to her was what exactly future meant to her and she said she didn't know, because future could be tomorrow (i doubt it) or future could be in a couple years (which is probably more likely to happen). but then that's fine and all, well not really, but i'm torn between just letting her go or waiting for her. my heart says i should wait for her but my head tells me to get over her and move on. so i don't know what i'm going to do.
i hear nowadays that sam is for the most part happy being with fritz which is fine as long as he takes care of her and treats her like she needs and wants to be treated.
i can't think of anything else right now so i'm going to go. i hope matt feels better and i hope he doesn't end up like how i am, so good luck to him. and more good lucks go out to sam and her relationship(s) and one more good luck goes out to becca, because i hope she finds whatever she is looking/waiting for. luv ya all. see ya later.
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3/7/03
let's see, tonight i helped serve milk, water, and coffee at our pancake supper event. for some reason it always seems like several people end up missing after a short while because they quit and don't want to do it anymore. or at least that's how it usually is, but tonight there was also an exception and that exception was sam. fritz came to the event to see sam and evidently they had a nice time alone together "up in tha club" if ya know what i mean. but i'm actually kinda happy for her, i hope fritz works out for her and is what she wants.
after the pancake supper me and someother people were planning on going bowling. it seems that at the last moment noone could go besides me and i was determined to go by myself if i had to. but luckily i managed to convince a couple people into going with me and those couple people quickly turned into 10 or so people. so i think the final count was 10 kids and 4 adults. i think everybody had a good time, well almost everybody. i think the only person who didn't fully enjoy themselves was me, that's right, the person who was pretty much responsible for getting people to go bowling in the first place. now you might ask yourself why i wasn't 100% happy, well i think you can guess. if you guessed right you would have said because becca went. now i don't mind that becca went because i'm glad when i get to see her but it just hurts that much more. i think tonight confirmed to me even more that i still love her and how much i wish i could be with her.
but i was also thinking that maybe enough was enough and it's time for a change. that change, if there is a change might be a good change or a bad one, i'll have to wait and see. along those lines i was also thinking of maybe making a time limit of 2 or so weeks for becca to talk to me like i've heard she wanted to and then i'll have to move on to better people and better things. my love for becca i think is getting harder and harder to control and it might be time to change those feelings to a mutual friendship. GOOD NIGHT ONE AND ALL! (now who that one is i'm not too sure of right now)
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3/5/03
*drum roll starts* ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, back by popular demand *drum roll stops*...Me!
I was told by a friend that this page looks kinda naked, so here's a new set of tighty whities just for you.
Let's see, today was ash wednesday even though I completely forgot about it not that I really cared anyway. For youth group they pretty much made everybody go to the service so we could get our foreheads dirty (why, I don't know nor do I really want to know). I'm sorry but I just don't get it, people stand in line so they can have some dirt put on their heads and then they just wipe it off like it is dirt. Pretty pointless if you ask me, but since you didn't, hence the reason I'm telling you.
Let's see, today wasn't so bad when thinking about my ex becca. I think I can honestly say I didn't really ever think about her today. Even though I think I wouldn't mind if I could go back out with her just to see if it really is over between us before I can move on to bigger and better things and people.
For some reason, well I think I might know why, but I've been having some different feelings that are kinda weird and I don't know if I can help it. I wonder if this other person feels the same way. Probably not, especially if you knew what the circumstances are and the specifics of what the relationship would be like. (and no sam i'm not talking about us, even though that could happen too.)
Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, the answer to your question is no, I won't have a problem with that. You know what, just don't even think about me, you should be worrying about yourself and not worrying about how you might make me feel. Just follow your heart. "Just around the river bend...or do you still wait for me dream giver..." If fritz (or ritz or whomever) comes along you must whip it!
Talk to ya later...luv ya (goes out to several people some I can help and others I can't help it).
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3/4/03
Wow, I think this is my first time writing in here for two days in a row (I hope it doesn't turn into a habit! j/k)
Let's see, nothing much happened today. I had musical practice at 4 and I was suppose to be there until 8 or so but the director said some of us could go home and luckily I was one of those people. But as far as the musical being complete it is far from it. Honestly I'm not too confident we'll be ready for the first performance on the 27th (yes! of this month).
It's snowed quite a bit today at a slow rate. So when I came home from practice I decided to shovel the driveway and the sidewalk respectively. I pretty much only did it because my dad always nags me about not doing it. I usually don't do it when he wants me to because it's usually still snowing and I think it's kinda stupid to shovel only to have to do it again later. And I am happy because while I was shoveling was the only time in the day that I thought about becca. (even though I woke up at 11 so my day was really only a half day.)
I am hoping that there will be a big snowfall maybe at 4 in the morning so I won't have to go to school tomorrow. And since tomorrow is wed. that means I'll be able to see becca. Which also means I'll probably be in a not so good mood. Oh well, time to do some homework.
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3/3/03
Let's see, last night me and sam went to the theatre and we saw "chicago", which was pretty good. And for some reason sam was really happy that I paid for her ticket which to me was no big deal but I don't know. I was off school today and I'm also off school tomorrow. Today my dad finally took me to the eye doctor after asking him for I don't know how many years now. And in an hour I had my first pair of glasses. I think they're pretty cool because they have an attachment which turns them into sunglasses. Hopefully now I will be able to copy down notes and such off the projectors more easily (oh joy!).
Like usual I was thinking about becca again, what can I say. And when sam and I were in the theatre before the movie started all I could think about was how much I would have liked becca to have been in that nearly top row where sam and I were. I wonder if it would ever happen, and my usual conclusion is no, it won't happen. I lost that chance, and there's no way to get it back so I guess I just have to deal with it.
I guess I'm just happy that I could make sam happy even if it's only for a small amount of time.
And hopefully this friday night after the church's pancake supper thing some of the youth from church will go midnight bowling. Last I heard, the people going would include me, sam, matt t., mike, lisa, and maybe if everything goes right becca (I could only hope). And then maybe some sparks might re-ignite. If only dreams were reality.
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2/28/03
Well it's the end of the month already and I still have not done anything I thought I would get to before the end of the month. Anyway, lately (as in this whole month basically) I haven't hardly been able to think about anything else besides my ex-girlfriend. And the last couple days I've been even more eager because I was told that she wanted to talk to me and how she "misses me", but whether that is true or not has still yet to be proven. (I guess only time will tell.)
And just an added "bonus" I've learned that one of my friends has thought about suicide. And honestly some of the reasons/their complaints seem to be rather little things. I feel like it's not really any of my business so I'm out of ideas even though I never really had any ideas to start with because I don't know what I can do to help. I just think that taking your own life is right up there with drowning as being the worst ways to die. At least in my life, there is nothing worth killing myself over, which I think fits into everybody elses life as well. There is nothing worth killing yourself over no matter how bad it gets. You know who you are and even though you say that noone loves you, you should know that that isn't true, because I love you and I hope you know that. There is a quote that says something like, "just like you don't tie a boat up to one anchor, you don't tie your life to one hope," or something along those lines. Sure things will be crappy and smelly in life, but that's why you use an air freshener. And just like time, things will pass and hopefully not your life. I love you! And since the song lyric just came into my head I'll say, "In violent times, you shouldn't have to sell your soul."
I don't know whether I've said this or not but everytime I see my ex, I just want to give her a big hug and a giant kiss. But I Can't. I just wish I could have done some things differently and I can't help but think things would have been better. I only have about a handful of people who I can honestly say I love (which doesn't include family because it's pretty much required to love them even though sometimes you don't want to :), and one of those people is Sam because she is a wonderful and usually intelligent person (It's just not the kind of love and respect she wants right now in her journey and yes I would call it a journey). And another person is Becca. And as for Becca, I don't think I can express enough how much I truly and deeply love her.
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2/21/03
Sorry I've been taking so long to get this page up and running (and yes it's still not up completely how I would like it but it's slowly getting there) but I've been really busy with everything in my life, more specifically school. Let's see, how about a little about myself to start off with. Right now I'm a junior in High School I have an older brother and a dog and my parents are divorced (like many probably should be)and yada yada yada and blah blah blah. Today was pretty laid back like usual for me at school. For me school really isn't challenging so I just kinda lug on through the day completing homework as I go. Truthfully I don't think I have a whole load of friends, not only at school but also in my life. I'm really more of an introvert which is a change from when I was younger maybe because I've been stabbed in the back so many times by so many people. I'm gradually trying to become more extroverted and one way I've been doing this is by joining my school's musical. This year they're doing West Side Story which should be fun. Let's see what else...I go to church usually pretty regularly and most likely later I'll maybe get to talking about some of the people there. Tonight was the church's 30 hour famine thingy but I didn't really feel like going. I think a little reason for me not really wanting to go was because my ex g/f is going to be there and I've been trying my best to get my mind off of her and another reason for me not going is because I just need a weekend to rest my body and my soul. I just want to sleep and relax this weeked even though it probably won't happen. In the next couple days I'll try to finish up the page so it might look a little better, so don't forget your hard hats because this is still a construction area! :)
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2/16/03
I'm "creating" this page to write down some thoughts and feelings about anything and hopefully everything that is in my little head. I got the idea to keep an online "journal" from a friend of mine. (Thank you Sam!) So hopefully tomorrow I'll find some time to write down some general stuff and then get to the point of updating my page daily about my boring life and the contents to which make up that life. Oh yeah I almost forgot...can you please excuse the mess...I'm still trying to construct my page. Thank You!
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