Section 1: Bumper stickers

This first one I found in my e-mail. So, I thought I should put it on here
BUMPER STICKERS WE MISSED DRIVING SO FAST:


1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write For Help.
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off.
28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles >From The Next Exit.
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...Seen On Upside Down Jeep
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
42. If Walking's So Good For You, Why's My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics.
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
46. Boldly Going Nowhere.
47. Cat: The Other White Meat.
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That.
50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.
55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Section 2: The Wise Man Says

1: If someone says, "No shit!" They might just be sayin they are constipated.
2:You can't help who you love... Your not supposed to.
3:Organized people are too lazy to look for anything.
4:Unorganized people are to lazy to put anything away
5:So if your too lazy to look for anything, and your too lazy to put anything away, your kind of screwed arn't you?
6:Fat people are hard to kidnap... Thats why I'm still here.
7:One by one the yard gnomes steal my sanity.
8:I hear voices.... And they don't like you.
9:Your just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
10:I am not mean. I'm just not that nice.
11:I love to talk! Now leave me alone.
12:Love has a strong meaning. When it's treated like a toy till the heart is broken... It's worthless...
13:Gay people are the straight ones the took a wrong turn.
14:We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
15:I am not fat... I just eat more than you... no, wait...
16:I'm not fat... I am festivley plump!
17:Migits are not small. They just forgot how to grow.
18:It must be hard to be an eight foot tall wookie in the land of migits.
19:FORD- Found on road dead.
20:FORD- Fat Old Retarded driver.
21:FORD- Driver returns of foot.
22:Critics are the ones who are too afraid to try anything.
23:I hate stupid people.
24:The mind is an easy thing to lose. I still haven't found mine yet.
25:War dosen't show who is right or wrong... Just who's left.
26:Who ever said you can't pull money out of your ass? I don't have a job and I still manage to find it!
27:If the saying goes "stop while your ahead," If you were to do so, wouldn't you fall behind?
28:Hasn't it even occured to anyone that common sence is not so common to some.
29:If all the stupid people in the world were to die, there wouldn't many left.
30:I told my parents that everyone hates me. They said, "Don't be stupid. Everyone hasen't met you yet."
31:If pro is the oppsite of con. Then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
32:The saying goes "keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground" But wouldn't you trip??
33:"If there is no wind, row." But if there is no wind. Why the hell are you on the water with a sailboat?
34:The pen is mighter than the sword. Because its a bit hard to write with a sword.
35:If you really thing about it... Paper dosent beat rock. The rock could beat the hell out of the paper.
36:If at first you don't succeed. Then give up. It will not look as bad the next time you fail.
37:Do you like goats?
38:Arrogant and right is better then humble and wrong.
39:Think about this. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
40:Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think thats how dogs spend their lives.
41:Tragedy is when I cut MY finger. Comedy is when YOU fall in a sewer and die.
42:Everywhere is in walking distance if you have the time.
43:Money can't buy friends. Just a better class of enemy.
44:I'm so unlucky. If I fall into a barrel of nipples... I would come out sucking my thumb.
45:A womans mind is cleaner then a mans. They change theirs more often.
46:See... The problem is, God gave man a penis and a brain.... And only enough blood to run one at a time.
47:I can resist everythhing except temptation.
48:Have you ever noticed... Anyone going slower then you is an idiot. Any one going faster then you is a maniac.
49:First you forget names. then you forget faces. then you forget to pull up your zipper. And the finaly you forget to pull your zipper down.
50:Did you ever have a time what you were thinking about something, then you got mad because you thought about it? But then you get even more angry because your angry about what you thought about? But then you get angry because you got angry for getting angry for getting angry about what you thought about? I had that happen. Am I crazy?
51:I thought the news talked about important things. Three nights in a row they had Michell Jackson on! Thats not important!