JQP’s

Written By Joshua Schultz

A book about things you really don’t care about.

The first full length original composition written by Joshua Schultz and editied by Leafy the Red Maple Tree

Un-useful Info

The views and opinions expressed in this book are not meant to be taken offensively in any way. I am just simply telling the way we see things. The following is not an exaggeration of the facts. Well, maybe. What kind of a book isn’t overdone though, not one of MY books for sure. This, is the way we, normal people, see the lives of the great mass of other people and minorities.

Copy right 2000 JQP Inc. All rights reserved. Any duplication, destruction or unauthorized person getage of this book is strongly encouraged.

Printed in West Bend Wisconsin.

Please send all comments or questions to schultzjoshua@hotmail.com

Feel free to visit JQP Today on the web at www.angelfire.com/wi2/jqptoday

In the halls:

You really have to be a guy to understand this, and since I am, I have the right and privilege to comment on this. Picture this, I am leaving a class and am trying to get to another on the other side of the building. In those three minutes I have to get my books from my locker and scurry on down the halls to my next class. After leaving I encounter a road block. I come up behind a set of people who are CRAWLING in the halls. When at the front of the blockage who should appear, but a big set of girls holding up the rear. In front of them the hall is completely empty because somehow every single girl is in this hall talking to their friend who just so happens to be going the same direction. Now inside of changing lanes and moving over, they decide to occupy the middle and talk to each other while walking at a leisurely pace. Behind me of course there is another set of girls talking and gabbing to each other about useless and pointless stuff. This is what we call a "Hot Dog". When your surrounded by groups of gabbing girls. Should you ever encounter a "Hot Dog", simply speed up and pass gas and say "Excuse me!" and magically all the girls create and opening for you to swiftly pass through. This technique, also known as the Pass Gas Technique, works great in all situations. If you have a really stubborn group of girls in the hall and the Pass Gas technique won’t work, you may need to take another route, or you may need to push and shove and make a big fuss about getting through. Girls don’t just stop with the "Hot Dog" packs though, occasionally they form complicated and confusing routes of travel. If you see a lone girl walking by herself, also known as a "Lone Ranger" she may be on the lookout for a friend. This, could be a good time to pass her. If she see’s a girls on the sidelines and she wants to veer over to talk to her, this could result in injury. You would be peacefully walking around when WOOSH! out in front of you there’s a girl and before you know it, Bam, all of your books, are on the floor. Stopping here is even MORE dangerous. A girl could clip you from the rear and then you have created another "Hot Dog". The girl on the side lines is still gabbing with her friends and now there is a girl behind you that is trying to veer in front of you to get to the other girls that have already begun their Talk-a-thon. Other formations include the "Circle Clump". This formation is common at break and at an extended passing period. All of the girls will gather around one and start screaming at the top of their lungs and communicate with each other. The "Limbo-Line" is also another popular formation. The girls will be led by a "Lone Ranger" and the girls will follow her until they find it safe, and most inconvenient for other people before they stop.

While running:

While in gym class I was cursed by having to follow a pack of girls. All we had to do was run for 1.5 minutes but this proved too difficult for just one girl. Instead, we needed to form a pack of girls and walk in a horizontal line across the running lanes. They have a bad habit of stopping and complaining about all the work that they are doing, this is known as the "Complain about every little thing I do" phase. It is common in all subjects, especially gym. I am a pretty slow runner so I am used to being passed by people, lot’s of people. But in gym I found it increasingly hard to get passed by a girl. I was on the inside when all of a sudden I heard hooves. Right behind me there was a pack of girls the likes of which you’ll never see. They were speeding up behind me at an alarming velocity, WALKING! I bet there had to be about twenty girls all walking together and talking. I observed their conversation as I frantically got out of the way and tried to speed up. All I heard was "Oh, my ----, My hair is soooo messed up" "Oh, what are you talking about, your hair looks fine, my hair is terrible." This, was enough for me. I sped up and ran as fast as I could out of their way. Whatever girls don’t travel in large packs, travel in small packs called "Marshmallows". They consist of about 2 or 3 girls that are running or walking side by side minding their own business. These packs are nearly as dangerous but you need to take heed, because they tend to grow in number rapidly. A group of girls larger than 3, can be classified as a clump. They just walk around with each other tring to look good, but instead crash into each other and scream about their nails and feet. These are annoying and can bring you to a screeching halt real quick if you get behind one of these. Even though you’ll mostly see girls walking, some may even run. I once saw a Marshmallow of girls running and passing people. This, I photographed. In my many years of life one has never seen anything as wonderful as the end of a gym period when you end up following girls. The pain, the torment, oh wait, now I’m starting to sound like them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad Hair Day:

One thing you will never hear the end of is a bad hair day. If a girl in front of you thinks she’s having a bad one, you won’t ever hear the end of it. They scream and moan and complain. "I wish I never woke up this morning! Look at this, I have an unwanted curl! And I have this piece of hair that just won’t stay down! IT’S KILLING ME! I sprayed my hair with hold, but this just isn’t working, oh my heavens" Speaking of Hairs spray, have you ever seen a girl put some on? They go over and over and over and over and over and over the same spot time and time and time again. I was once sitting on the bus waiting peacefully to get to LLHS, when all of a sudden the girl in back of me pulled out a canister of spray. And to make matters worse, I had forgotten my gas mask! The girl took of the cover and then I got down on my hands and knees and prayed, begged, PLEADED! "Please, please don’t use that!" But, a determined girl usually gives up, not this one. She pressed the button and out came the spray. The bus instantly filled up with the smell, and all around the children were coughing and hacking. Then she puts the spray away and immediately her hair falls forward. Here comes the spray!!!!!!!!!! Then as you watch in awe thinking and wondering how long it will take for her head to fall off we get to the school and jump off the bus for a breath of fresh air.

Mirrors:

Have you noticed that girls are obsessed with mirrors. Not only the wall kind but also the complete 360 degree bedroom kind. The carry them everywhere. Thanks to some guy who invented pocket mirrors girls can put on their makeup right there in front of you! No need to get up early anymore to do makeup, why not bring it all with you in your purse on the bus and then do it there. It makes it so much easier. "A little pink stuff here, ouuupsss!, who put that bump in the road. I think I should sue for them making me get pink stuff on my forehead. Hey now, I think I actually like the look! I just created a new statement!" Speaking of fashion statements, what is the point in those shoes! You all know the shoes. The ones they bought at Bulletin Board Direct, what is all that height used for, extra reaction time when they fall? What is the point of having shoes that are two inches tall and look like they are made of a bulletin board, is that cool to be so high on top of recycled boards? And those pants! "Gee, I heard that it was supposed to rain today, da hunk, maybe I should roll my pant legs up!" "Hey nice pants" "Yeah thanks, I invented them myself." Is this the conversations the girls are having that no one knows about? Is this what really happens in those girl clumps? Could it be? Man’s oldest question could have just been answered.

Cleanup, Isle 4:

What is with girls and purses? Some have these Isty Bitsy purses that hold a few quarters, a tub of lipstick and a mirror. Other’s have these gigantic ones that hold the kitchen sink, a whole beauty isle, and and entire standup mirror. Kind of like something out of Mary Poppin’s but not. What is the fascination with the purse, "Yeah, do you have that purse, eight sizes smaller, in black, and is battery powered?" What does she expect the clerk to say, "Yes ma’am we do, we just got a shipment in yesterday." And we all know what happens when a girl doesn’t get her way, "Honey, can you go and beat the living daylights out of that guy until he gives me what I wanted." Is this some time honored tradition that guys do whatever the girl wants? Probably. When girls want something they’ll get it. "Herb, HERB! I want my coffee NOW!!!!!" "Yes dear, coming!" Is this the way they are supposed to get along. Ask any girl and they’ll say "YES!" Sometimes girls have these little fits about their purse. "Augh, my purse is so big I can’t even find my mace!" Some of them will just get a new purse every week! They don’t care, what’s another dead cow to them, as long as they don’t eat it. "Now where did I leave that plunger, yahoo! Any plunger in there!" Some girls have these tinny-tiny purses that they expect to fit EVERYTHING in. "Let’s see now, I may need my lipstick today, and just in case I’ll bring along my Mascara and my Eye Shadow and my Hair dye, Augh shoot! I ran out of room. $%#*@*$&" Do they honestly use everything that they put in there everyday? Is it bring everything you can find on your dresser to school day everyday? Do they honestly like caring around they’re room? "Okay class, time to take out your homework," "Ah, I left my homework in my purse. Can I go get it? On my way can I also wash my hair, trim my finger nails, brush my teeth, put on more lipstick, and change my shirt?" I can see it now, 3001 Purse Odyssey! What are future generations going to think. "Boy, those woman were really organized!"

Don’t touch the hair:

Nice Outfit, don’t you think so?:

Girls often rely on the advice, wisdom, and comments from other girls. They will stand in front of their locker and look in their mirror and say, "I don’t know if I like this." When this happens, the dogs are let loose. That girl will go around and ask every single other girl if this looks good. "Hey, do you think that these shoes make my hair look blond?" When they go shopping they look around. They see everything, it’s their thing! In the ancient times guys would just go out and kill a lion and wala, instant coats, but today, girls go out and slay that mighty beast called a shopping mall. There are something’s that guys don’t know about these beast’s. There is a direct competition with all girls around the globe, to see who can slay the most beast’s in one day. Shopping is though work, it often requires pre-shopping plans like, who is going to help me try on shoes and where aren’t we going to eat. There is a gigantic barrier between JCPenny, and Sears. The shoes at Half-Price shoes, are one size larger that those at Pay-Less Shoe-Source. By the way, shoe size does play a BIG role in shoe shopping. Girls have to have at least one pair of every color and every style of shoes. Not only that, but they need sandals and dress shoes! I heard that once, a small tank got lost in a womans closet! "I like these shoes, but, I really wanted them in hot pink! Don’t you think so?" "Oh yeah, those shoes look great on you, but now you need a makeover, and a completely new wardrobe." "Yeah! Get out!" "I heard they have those new Esuap’s over at Target. Those would look fabulous on you, and their in style now!" "Cool, lets go!" "We’re off the slay the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz."

What should I wear with this?:

Girls have very low confidence in themselves. They don’t even trust themselves enough to make a simple decision like what should I wear today. Is it really that hard of a question? Girls can spends hours, days, months even in shopping malls and outlet stores and still they have a problem with picking out something to wear. Guys don’t have that problem. They just grab a pair of jeans and a shirt and head out the door. But girls, they do have a problem. They can’t just wake up and start the day, they have to wake up and put makeup on and then pick out an outfit. The hardest decision they’ll ever make I’m sure. "Do I feel like blue, or navy blue?" They have so many pairs of cloths that they need a secretary to find all of them. That’s why there are all those makeup barbies and such. Now all they have to do is scan their head, and plop it right on their "Virtual Outfit". This comes in very handy if they have the exact outfit that you are going to wear that day. It also helps if your too lazy to get all your shirts out and figure out what matches. This, is another good source of girl stupidity. They go to the store and pick out a new dress, they will wear it once and then let it sit in the back of their closet forever until it comes back into fashion or the world comes to an end. This could also be another reason why we don’t and probably won’t have a female president. I guess that the stresses of picking out a good outfit is too much for the average female to do.

I can see an end to this:

In most cases I have found out that the guy usually ends up dumping the girl. The two are peachy keen one day and the next, kablamo the guy just decides that he doesn’t like her anymore. Then the girl turns to her friends and cries for about one day even though she really doesn’t care that she was dumped because she has a whole line of guys waiting to romance her. This is also known as the "Domino effect". Someone always gets dumped and then the other already has another chic/stud. They keep going and going until the end of the world and everyone stops. When a guy dumps a girl he won’t write a sonnet or a soliloquy, he just’s strolls on up to her and takes his thumb and you know the rest. Then the girls asks, "But why, I was such a good little girl, why?" Then the guy says, "I found someone else." And that’s pretty much the end of it. Finally all of the girl who was dumped calls her friends together for a joint "girl meeting" where they make up lies about him. These meetings can also be call N.G.C. National Girls Convention. This is one of the things that is thought to be done in the halls. While this shows the ravage beast side of a girl, it also reveals their love for the rest of the pack. When one girls falls the rest follow. "I can’t believe he dumped me!" "I know how you feel, but get over it." "Yeah, there’s always more fish in the sea!" "Yeah, you gals are right. He was just a loser anyway." "Yeah, I heard he was going out with Moesha before you!" "Really, that little piece of poo!" "He was really a jerk wasn’t he." "Yup, glad that’s over."

And then the friends lived happily ever after.

The joys of dating:

Since there is little scientific evidence about the relation of physics to the dating world you may just have to take it as it is. When people go out with each other they don’t just say it. They do all kinds of stuff together. They travel in packs together. Everyday the girls will look around for the guy in the halls. "Tom, Tom! Where are you Tom!" This is known as the frantic girl running about through the halls looking for her boyfriend stage. When she finds him they both go to the cafeteria and hold hands. Isn’t that special. If they guy is really lucky the girl will take him to her locker.

Take me to your locker:

Problems with running:

Girls can’t just run by themselves. It is much too large a task for one girl, but they find it easier to do it in groups. I was running and I actually passed several girls. That is not supposed to happen. I am so slow! I mean, I am really a slow runner, but somehow I passed girls! These aren’t out of shape girls either. How is it possible for me to pass girls running. This is too bizarre. Girls have a keen sense of direction too. They can run around in circles for 4 laps until they figure out that they’re going the wrong direction. "Come on! This has to be the right way! Hurry up!" "Hey! Where are you guys going! Your all going the wrong direction!!!!" When I pass someone I remember who I pass because it barely ever happens. But the day we ran with the girls, I lost track. The weird part about it all, is most of the girls were in cross country or something, but they still walked with their pack. This is the breaking point of holding together. One might think that they run together and sacrifice their speed and endurance either because of two factors. One, they are so low on competence that they can’t run alone. Or Two, Because they want to take a break. It has to be one. The few girls that ran alone soon met up with other girls. Like I said, They like to support each other, each step of the way.

Of course, I lie a lot.

It hurts to run:

While the girls were "Running", they had their hands on their sides and were complaining about all the work. "I can’t believe Mr. Buboltz is making us do all this running! This absolutely stinks!" That phrase echoed throughout the gymnasium. That and the screaming about the one shred of hair that got out of place. The "Pullovers" of the girls were rather popular girls from my stand point. They were the girls that you could usually find at the front of a clump or in the middle of a circle clump. They just pulled over to the side of the lane and waited for her pack of girls to arrive and then she would walk with them for the rest of the lap. Passing these "Road blocks" is really hard to do. You have to push and shove and punch to get your way through the chaotic mess. Girls are like cancer, they spread out and conquer everything in their path of destruction, desolation and pain. They travel together for added protection against white blood cells. As you can see in the illustration the girls are the red and the guys are green. The guys are everywhere but the girls are a mass. Just think, they are all in there peachy keen just making up gossip and other stuff. Crying, laughing, killing each other with their hair, all kinds of fun stuff goes on in those clumps. The few green spots in the giant red mass are guys that are either going out with a girl in that mass or they are kamikaze pilots. You can’t just go through a mass of girls without a cattle plow!

Eat a little, eat a lot!

Whisper me across the room:

Somehow girls get the idea that if they whisper to each other across the room no one else will hear them. This concept applies to World History and Study Hall. Girls are always in contact with each other. "How are you today? Want to go to the mall tonight?" They are 24 hours a day communicating with each other through many means of communication. There is always the favorite by means of folded up notes. Then there’s the phone and the email system. We can always meet in the halls or at break, and then again there’s my personal favorite whispering across the room. We all do it, it’s not just the girls. Somehow if we stretch our voice out and increase effort only the person I want to talk to will hear it. Why not just talk in a relative manner? What’s the point. Either way someone is going to hear you and it may not be the person you want it to be. By whispering across the room you accomplish several things. One, You let everyone know that you are in fact, a complete idiot. Two, if you said anything of any importance and Josh was in the room, you can expect to see your little conversation in the next edition of JQP Today. Three, Your friend can barely understand you the first time so you have to say it again. When you do this though, the person next to you gets very annoyed. And after you start whispering(Yelling across the room with out using your real voice) the guy next to you might turn around and see you looking at who your whispering with and say, "Really, Degners going to go out with her! I can’t believe it!" And whoever was whispering will blush and tell his/her neighbor to shut up! Does the girl expect no one else to pay attention while they whisper to their friends across the room?! This led to the invention of a new form of communication that is known only to girls or really feminine guys like Ryan. Girls have a great way of communicating with out using their voice and that’s call the I’ll move my lips and my eyes and you get the great pleasure of trying to figure out what I just said, make sense of it, and respond to the message. This, is pointless. This could also be the start of gossip. But this could also show a brightness that hasn’t before been seen in girls. They’d make great communication specialists in the army, unless of course they knew the other person that they were talking with. "Jane, Jane! How’s your husband? Is he over the Malaria? Is he still taking pills?" "Oh, John is Just fine. His bowl movements have been more regular since he has started taking the pills. Thanks for asking. Didn’t you have some nuclear codes for me or something?" "Oh yeah, but I guess I lost them in all the excitement of the conversation. Anyway, you were saying?" Girls don’t just stop with one conversation they can carry on two or three at a time. "So you said Jack was okay?" "Yeah but he," "Oh that reminds me, did you get that thing I sent you?" "The box? Yeah I got a box with" "So Jack is okay still, that’s good I guess I was concerned about his health."

Intelligence is a virtue:

I listen in on a lot of conversations that are had by people next to me because they whisper so loud, I can’t help but listen. I have noticed that you never hear, "So George Bush is going to win right?" "Oh yeah, but I am still going to vote for Gore." Instead, you hear girl talk. "I just got my hair done by that new place down the street," "Really? Do they do nails too, I really need to get my nails done." "I know, it feels like it’s been forever!" "Time really flies when your nails grow." Never will you hear a conversation about politics or anything else related to the world around them. You just get little conversations here and there about hair and nails and movies. Guys talk about cars and politics. The environment and Ecology is the first thought on a guys mind. Every time they see another guy, up comes the news that they heard from Brokaw. There’s another Gigantic difference between guys and gals. The things they watch. A girl will spend about three to four hours a day between Oprah and The Young and the Restless, while guys, can spend about 20 minutes watching the six o’clock news or 60 minutes. Girls like to watch talk shows and soap opera’s because they relate to nothing. This way they conserve brain usage for other purposes like, "What color should I paint my nails?" or maybe, "What should I wear tonight?" Of course, this only applies to young girls. Adult girls have other important issues on their mind. Guys ask questions like, "Do you think the stock market is going to plummet?" or maybe, "I wonder if I should go out to eat tonight with Moesha?" They get these important tips from the six o’clock news. They have everything on that. Fashion, stock market, money saving tips, and even a little home improvement section occasionally. If you have ever attempted an intelligent conversation with a girl and you are still living, you deserve a medal of honor and a medal of courage. It’s been known that girls may slaughter the inquiree with their nails if they ask a girl a question that they don’t know.

Emotionally upset:

Girls can get upset many a great number of times. Some of those times include bad hair days, breaking up with boyfriends or even not being done with homework. But I’d really like to discuss what they do when they get mad or upset. I have seen girls go to their locker and start screaming after lunch. They’ll just say, "I hate math! it is so stupid!" and then they’ll usually slam their locker door shut. Other girls take it cool. They’ll stroll on up to ya and slug you right in the arm. This is usually when either you are the source of their problems or you are conveniantly close to them and they can slug you because they feel like it. Girls can be very cruel and disturbing when they are upset and that is good enough reason for me not to talk to them. Here is a short list of things I have figured out over the years not to tell girls.

I am not going to do your math for you anymore

Blond is out

Your hair is really bad today

Your hair is really nice today

I know your wondering how many words in this marvelous book: 5468