PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS COULD TRIGGER SOME FEELINGS. SO PLEASE READ WITH CARE....
Hi my name is Tracy, and I wanted to share my experiences to help you.
I am about six years old and I am at a friends house. Her name was Amy. Amy always talked about relationships and would act out sometimes. One time I was spending the night and her parents made us watch them. There were other things that they did too. Amy would do things to me also, but we were only kids and she was doing what had probably been done to her.
Now I am at my Grandma and Grandpa's house and we were getting ready for bed and grandpa was sitting there, and I asked him if he would sleep with me in the future. Keep in mind, I was still only six, and he said "yes" he would. So now I am still pushing blame on myself .
I KNOW NOW ITS NOT MY FAULT!!!!
I can remember the first time he did something to me as if it was earlier today. We just got done with lunch, and I went to go into the living room to watch cartoons. I was wearing red shorts and a blue shirt. Grandpa came into the living room and said Tracy you want to play a game, I said sure, then he said Ok Tracy....We have to keep it secret. I said Ok. He then did things to me that were inappropriate for a child. Things that only adults should do. At that time.....He showed me pictures and magazines . I had never saw things like that before and didnt know that what I was seeing was wrong. I thought he was an adult and knew what was appropriate for me to see.
This was reported to my mom by a friend, and my mom and dad didn't do anything about it right away. When we were moving in town, I was going back to my Grandparents house, and the abuse was starting all over again.
After everything got out with my grandpa, it wasn't pleasant at all.
A couple years later, I was coming home from up north and I had brought the Greyhound bus home, I remember this like it was yesterday. I was getting on the bus and this man came and set with me. Part of the trip he sat up front,and helped me on and off the bus. He talked me into going in the back with him. I went with him and he assaulted me on the bus. He forced me to kiss him and was touching me and making me do things to him. I couldn't get away. I tried to distract him and played a game with him but that didn't work.
Then the bus driver came back to check on me. I was scared so I told him everything was ok.
Then there was Cabalance, that is a wheelchair van service like a Cab company. The driver I had one night had assaulted me. He made me do stuff to him. He almost raped me that night but didn't. Because he saw someone coming and he didnt want to get caught. Then he took me home.
Then I lived with a boyfriend who continuosly hurt me and used the bible as a tool. He was trying to make everything right by using the word of God and twisting it. He tried to tell me that we were married as long as we slept together. He would try to play mind games with me. Making me think things were ok when they really weren't.
I can't understand why people would want to hurt people that have disabilities and are unable to defend themselves. One day each and every one will have to face the things that they did on judgement day.
I am still working on my healing process. I have just recently found the strength to share my story.
HERE IS A LETTER I WROTE TO MY GRANDPA I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE....
April 8, 2000
Why? Why did you do the things you did to me, even when you said you loved me, Why? Didn't you realize the pain and suffering I am going through now?
I Hate you Grandpa, I don't like the stuff you did to me. Even though I was young and acted like I did. I didn't know that what you were doing was wrong to me. You said you never wanted to hurt me. Well, guess what , you did whether you realized it or not.
I am so angry at you WHY???. Did Grandma know what was going on? It seemed almost to obvious. What would you have done if grandma would of found out.
You took my childhood away. I am carrying a lot of anger, fear, and guilt, I am constantly depressed all the time. Because of you my relationships are not even normal, and I keep my distance cause I am afraid of getting hurt. I passively persevered through the abuse because I was afraid of getting hurt more.
Why did you have to convince me that all grandpas did this to all there little girls. I have picked up alot of coping skills that were unhealthy. I still split on occasion. I keep my life and childhood ok to a certain point; but deep down there is a little girl who is terrified, hurting and angry.
Deep down are scars that will never go away because of you, thats if I keep everything to myself and not give it to Jesus, but I need to hand everything over to him so He can help me and set me free.
I am still hurt and angry for what you did to me, but I need to come to terms with this and let go of this hurt and forgive you. That's going to be the hardest thing to do but I can't keep living in pain all the time. All I can think of right now is , I wish you never would of done this to me, and why did you? I know these questions will never get answer by you. But I can use my experiences to help others.
Grandpa I HATE EVERYTHING YOU DID TO ME, what you did to me WAS WRONG...
I modified this letter cause you know what Yes we have the right to feel the anger and hurt... of what our abusers have done... yea my abuse stopped in 1988... but i don't have to pretend that its not effecting me now because it still is...
I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE YOU GRANDPA FOR DESTROYING MY LIFE LIKE YOU DID... BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING... I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU RUIN IT FOR ME... THATS WHY I DID THIS WEBPAGE!!!!!
THE PAGE IS GOING TO UPDATED SOON
THINGS THAT HAVE HELPED ME.......
My Favorite Web Sites
About Tracy Rae - My Home Page
My Short Stories I have Wrote
Courage to Heal Webring
Wolf Puppy's Den
Nangels Survivors page
New Hope Healing Institute
Borderline Personality Disorder
Mental Health Net Abuse Resources
A CRY FOR HELP
Bible Stories 4 Kids
IF I CALL YOU FRIEND
PRAISING THE LORD
YAHOO GROUPS THE COURAGE TO HEAL
AOL INSTANT MESSENGER