What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a woman all have in common? Sooner or later, one of them is gonna get your house.How many ENRON executives does is take to change a light bulb? None. They hire an auditor to estimate when the light bulb will burn out, sell off their stock and then bail before it gets too dark. A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her some cigarettes. He walks to the store to find that it has closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the cigarette machine. Once he is in the bar he spots a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. After they've had a couple of beers they end up going to her apartment. After having their fun, he realizes that it’s after 3 a.m. and he says, "Shit, it’s so late that my wife's going to kill me. Have you got some talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home. His wife is waiting for him at the door and she is pretty damned pissed off. "Where in the hell have you been?" she screams. "Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the cigarette machine. I saw this great looking babe there and we had a few drinks. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees that his hands are covered with talcum powder and she says, "You’re a liar! You went bowling again!" There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from Ireland?" The man answers, "Yeah, I’m from Ireland." "What an amazing coincidence!" says the first man, "I’m from Ireland too. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh I went to St. Mary’s in Dublin. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?" "That’s amazing! I went to St. Mary’s. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin USA." "Amazing! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?" "Kevin Sullivan dorm." "Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ." Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy is from Ireland like me, went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college in America. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?" Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing." A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The O’Reilly twins are drunk again." A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence," The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "ok... so, where ya'll from, BITCH?" A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you give blow jobs?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut," he said, and dropped her. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. Why do men masturbate? Because they want to have sex with someone they love. Why are Cowgirls so bowlegged? Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? One tries to hump the leg of every woman they meet and the other is a Chocolate Lab! "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very, very low crime rate." --Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick. How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when She brings it to you. Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco,Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins! "I already told you guys before, I did it all for the nookie, man. That's why I did that with Christina."--Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst, on why he sang with Aguilera at the MTV Video Music Awards. --Some basic differences in the way the world's religions interpret the saying "shit happens": Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it. Protestantism: Shit wont happen if I work harder. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit? Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong. Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit. Atheist: No shit. Sometimes I think if I had a 100 lb. cube of SPAM that I'd get laid more often, then I think, "No, that's why I got the Pinto." A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving bastards deducted $95. If I ever saw a reindeer with a red nose, I'd say "it glows", too. Then I'd squeeze off the kill shot. What do Santa’s female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the male reindeer pull his sleigh? Oh, not much... They just head into town to blow a few bucks. All these advertisements and commercials confuse me. Here I was thinking the burning sensation when I urinated just meant my shampoo was working. As I dialed 911, I thought of a whole list of stuff that was MUCH better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. One day a lady told her doctor, "Doctor, my husband has been wanting alot of anal sex lately. Is that bad?" "Well, does it hurt?" asked the doctor. "No", replied the woman. " Do you enjoy it?" asked the doctor. "Yes", said the woman. "Well", the doctor said, "then go and have some fun and don't get pregnant." " You can get pregnant during anal sex?", asked the woman. " OF course", said the doctor, "where do you think that lawyers come from?" I used to live life with the wind at my back -- until the doctor told me to reduce my lactose intake. I'm glad Norelco invented the Lift & Cut system, because Yank & Pull would have been downright painful. Power corrupts, and Absolut vodka messes me up absolutely. If I came across a gingerbread house in the middle of the woods, I wouldn't eat it because I don't like sweets. But if I came across a house made of ham, I'd gobble that sucker down, because I love ham. Besides, who's ever heard of a witch living in a ham house? After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked, "What's a bitch?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog. Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a woman’s legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle." Women: You can't live with them; You can't live without them. That's probably why you can rent one for the evening. Why does a man's penis have a hole in it? So he can get oxygen to his brain. I wonder just how hot a commodity Cindy Crawford would be if that mole were on the end of her nose. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a fish and a digital camera, and after he's eaten, he'll post some nude pictures of his wife on the internet. Three dogs are at the vet’s office, a German Shepherd, a Black Lab, and a Golden Retriever. They all start talking and get on the subject of why they're there. The German Shepherd says, "I'm too old to do anything but eat, shit, and sleep. So my master is having me put down. The Lab says, "My master has three kids, and they always pull on my tail and ears. I couldn't take it anymore so I bit one of them, now I'm getting put down. The Golden Retriever says, "My master is a hot little 19 year old blonde. She came out of the shower and layed on the bed naked, so I humped her. The other two dogs ask, "So you're here to be put down too? The Golden Retriever says, "No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed. If my doctors have given me just three months to live, is there really any point in continuing to floss? Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot anymore, either." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I pop a cap in your sorry ass. When I see the word "manslaughter", I like to think: "man's laughter", and then I don't feel so bad. Unfortunately, Grandpa was charged with aggravated homicide. Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. I think I learned a couple of valuable life lessons that night. One: The old adage about setting your sights on something and just grabbing for it doesn't necessarily apply in topless bars. Two: Metal toilets are cold. I pity the fool who still thinks Mr. T. References are hip and funny. What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck. Why can't you trust woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. Sex is like KFC… you start with a breast, work your way down to the thigh, and all that you’re left with is a greasy box to put your bone in. If you see a woman get a run in her panty hose and nothing happens, then you know she's okay. But if she flies around the room like a balloon with its air let out, then you know she been storing gas in there. In the grand city of Ottumwa, Iowa, it is illegal for any man, within the corporate city limits, to wink at any female with whom he is "unacquainted." Answering the door on Halloween as "the dirty old pedophile" may have been my boyfriend's idea of a great costume, but the cops disagreed. As did the DA... and the judge... and the jury. Things that a "perfect woman" would say: 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! 4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! 5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! 6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? 7. You're so sexy when you're hungover. 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler. 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. 12. I'll be out painting the house. 13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. 14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. 17. Your mother did a great job raising you. 18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. 19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. 20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? 21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! 22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. 23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. 24. That was a great fart! Do another one! 25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya... If I ever decide to become an American citizen, the first thing I'll do is get convicted of a felony so I'll still have a good excuse not to vote. I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle. A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone." "Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs." --Homer J. Simpson An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker. As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right. The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana." The American says, "What does that mean?" He says, "Wrong hole." "A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." --George W. Bush. (He meant to say "antidotes.") "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." --Homer J. Simpson- I start with the arms and legs, beer-battered and deep-fried. Then I move on to the body, marinated in Cabernet Sauvignon and broiled to perfection. I finish with the brain, boiled and lightly spiced with just a touch of sage. --How do YOU eat a Rhesus?- Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask, "What can I do for my country that wouldn't, y'know, involve doing anything really yucky like sleeping in a barracks or living under mosquito netting in some, like, Third World place?" What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money. I thank my parents all the time for naming me Al, but even more so when me and the boys have a "Pee your name in the snow" contest. Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. --R. E. Shay- "If your phone has been disconnected for any reason, call now." --Erik Estrada, in a commercial for Smoke Signals telephone service. Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. If a stationary store owner ever became a supervillan, he'd probably put the heroes in a wind tunnel. Then,he'd turn it on and throw confetti in it. Never underestimate the power of multiple paper cuts. One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom preparing to make love when a bumble bee flew into the window and entered the woman’s vagina. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor said 'OK, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The couple agreed to this and so the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, ' I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper'. Soon the woman began to moan and groan aloud and the annoyed husband shouted “what in the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied “Change of plan, I'm going to drown the little bastard”. Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder. If you ever get your tongue stuck to a flagpole, the best way to handle the situation is to takeoff all your clothes. Then people will say, "Hey, look at the naked guy!" instead of, "Hey, look at the idiot with his tongue stuck to a pole!". I had a big project at work, and my boss told me to give it the old college try. So I did: I drank until I passed out and woke up next to a confused sheep. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for? Its Braille for "suck here". Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. I'm pretty sure I had a really weird dream last night. I say I'm "pretty sure", because I suppose it's possible that Chris Farley really did throw up Peppermint Schnapps on me. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen? Nobody to seemed to care when I came home and shouted the good news: "I got the part, I got the part!" Makes me think I should have been an actor instead of a mechanic. How do you know a mechanic just got lucky? One of his fingers is clean. Life is nothing but a penis... When it’s soft, you can’t beat it. When it’s hard, you get screwed. Everywhere I look I see people driving fancy new cars and it just makes me sick. Why should I have to drive a piece of junk just because I've made a few dumb financial decisions? A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, ''Who is this?'' “This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'' The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid says, ''What will I have to do?'' The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309? |