| 1 |
Keep Ireland tidy, throw your rubbish in England! |
| 2 |
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for seven days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God,
"where were you?".
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making".
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?"
God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on
it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between
everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America.
North America is going to be rich and south America is going to
be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a
hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in
the north and another one of blacks in the south.
And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?".
And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special
place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful
Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line.
These people here are going to be great craic and they're going
to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets
and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black
liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will
come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe.
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming
startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE,
you said there was going to be a balance...
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the fuckers I'm gonna put
next to them"
|
| 3 |
We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some
potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget
about the stew. |
| 4 |
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl
named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way
to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in
show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday
night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended
as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and
began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic
dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would
be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan,
she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings
and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin'
out this night, and me without me bloomers on!" |
| 5 |
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching
the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow
of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic
to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the
sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?" |
| 6 |
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to
the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with
this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little
guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man
says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt
you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited
money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He
gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball.
When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he
is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game
is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how
your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket,
I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask
how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe
once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too
bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." |
| 7 |
The proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He was never married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
4. His last request was a drink.
5. He lived with his parents till he was 29.
6. He believed his mother was a virgin and she, God bless her, thought
he was the savior of the world. |
| 8 |
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man
for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans
'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise).
It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into
the English Mastermind Championships. He did, and won a place. On
they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and
placed himself on the leather seat and made himself comfortable. The
lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded,
"Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question, "In what
year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'
Seamus responds .."Pass"
OK said Magnus, "Who was the leader of the Easter Rising?",
Seamus Responds .."Pass"
OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising last?"
Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell
the English nothing...." |
| 9 |
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll
you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately
sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then
orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have
to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get
low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia
and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday
night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three
Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then
ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd
just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
|
| 10 |
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both
get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.
The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here,
drink some of this it will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what
are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin'
them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'." |
| 11 |
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but
there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during
the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into
a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels
all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the
passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper
was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective,
and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am,"
said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take
anything." |
| 12 |
Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west
of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane
onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long
table with an assortment of human skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!"
said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland...god bless his soul."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him £50.00 in cash.
Bud flew back to New York and mounted his skull on the wall in his
pub. People came from all over America to view this famous skull.
He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich
man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland,
the land that made him a fortune.
Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs
saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs.
"God", said Bud, "What are you doing?"
"I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!"
said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there
is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is
St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the
1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of
Ireland...god bless his soul."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"Well!" said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a
skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then
that the skull was St. Patrick."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see... This
is St. Patrick when he was a boy!" |
| 13 |
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand
still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice.
Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on
the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves.
"So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the
mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up
a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on his door:
1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior,
Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's,
not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
| 14 |
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia
drinking.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before
you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you
like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing
him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil.
When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight
back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes
then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back,
what would you like?" said the prison guard
"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on
the ground, called the prison guards Scheißers and started off towards
the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced
to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something
on you back, what would you like?"
"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the Englishman". |
| 15 |
A boasting American said to O'Connor, back in the States we can
erect a block of skyscrapers in about 2 weeks.
O'Conner replied, we can start a row of houses in the morning and
on the way home from work the bailiffs will be putting the tenants
out for being behind with the rent. |
| 16 |
Archeologist excavating in County Meath Ireland have recovered
what they think is an original manuscript by St. Patrick dating back
to 455 A.D. It was found near the famous Stone of Fal on Tara Hill,
the spot where St. Patrick was welcomed back to Ireland by one of
the great Celtic kings.
The ancient parchment manuscript is believed to be the oldest written
Christian text ever recovered in Ireland. It is estimated to be the
most valuable find in the 20-year research project since the discovery
of the Tara Brooch in the same area. There is speculation that it
may be in St. Patrick's own hand.
Celtic scholars, historians, and religious scholars are excited by
information translated from the original Celt that purports to support
what up to now has been considered a religious myth: St. Patrick's
driving the serpents out of Ireland.
Celtic language experts say St. Patrick writes that God revealed how
to drive the serpents from the land in a vision. St. Patrick ends
his narrative by quoting what God said to him in the vision.
"Pat! Trust me, it taste just like chicken." When questioned, the
Vatican had no comment.
|
| 17 |
Q.: What is Irish and stays out all night ?
A.: Patty O'Furniture (Michael O'Connell) |
| 18 |
Top 10 reasons for being Irish
1. Drinking.
2. Too many kids because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can persuade your girlfriend you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. Nobody can ever remember the night before.
7. Can kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness after a bout of Sectarian violence. |
| 19 |
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British
TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked
him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow,
maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next
month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show
and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland
we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied
Brennan. |
| 20 |
Q.: What is Irish diplomacy?
A.: It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell, so that he will
look forward to making the trip. |
| 21 |
Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a
London street corner near an Irish lady.
"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one.
"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there!
It would be awful."
"Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?"
"Salisbury," she replied.
"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected.
At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why
don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"
|
| 22 |
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks
if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
again." |
| 23 |
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out
to greet him.
St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.
The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@
out! (Patrick Murphy Jnr) |
| 24 |
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into
a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each
of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking
it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!!!" |
| 25 |
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council
conference.
Shortly into the trip, one priest says: "Well, we've all worked
together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest
we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK.
The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With
me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of
town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out
of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly
starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick
the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all!
I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very
difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the
red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle.
I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything.
Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost
faults. It's your turn."
He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm
an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
|
| 26 |
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes
to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides
to stop.
He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?".
The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol."
So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would
you mind topping that up?"
And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to
which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that.
The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just
what kind of petrol station is this?"
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to
the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man
then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !" |
| 27 |
Brendan Behan told the story of how he got a job in London with
a street repair gang. The first job he went to they were down in a
hole singing Happy Birthday around the foreman.
"Is it the foreman's birthday?" asked Brendan.
"No, Brendan. It's the third anniversary of the hole." |
| 28 |
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting
at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man
looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a
Protestant minister."
The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good
Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting
now, not a minister.
"The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last
request. Get a minister for me!"
"But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been
a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time
like this!"
The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me
and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister
right now."
The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back
to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him.
As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming
quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes
of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's
a Protestant now."
Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's
room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good
Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed
my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"
"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured
if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*." |
| 29 |
There was a reporters' convention in Dublin and three of them
decided to go out for a few beers. While walking down O'Connell
Street, they saw a small child pursued by a giant Rottweiler. The
dog caught the child, threw the child down and gripped it by the
throat. The three reporters were stunned into immobility. Suddenly,
from nowhere, a man runs out, wraps his arms around the dog and,
after a fierce struggle, breaks its neck. The three reporters run
over to the man and say "That was the bravest thing we've ever seen".
"What a story" says the man from the Liffey Champion. "Tomorrow's
paper's headline will say 'Northside man saves child.'
"The man says, "That sounds OK but I'm not from the Northside."
"Fair enough" says the man from the Independent. "Tomorrow's paper's
headline will say 'Dublin man saves child.' "
"That's OK too" says the hero but I'm not from Dublin either."
"Well then" says the man from the Tribune, "Where are you from?".
"Londonderry" says the man.
The headline in the next day's papers read, "ORANGE BASTARD KILLS
FAMILY PET".
|
| 30 |
These two lads were in the army. One was Irish and One was Jewish.
They were doubling around the square, and when they were halted, the
Jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish Lad, "I hate doubling, paddy."
The Irish lad said, "I'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either." |
| 31 |
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches
to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on
their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues
starts by ;rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes
the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen.
So my speech started: 'Ladies and Gentlemen' ".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself ' I'll
go one better than that English bastard!' and started his speech by
making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also
rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked
what he was doing.
"Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest
and groin I was starting my speech by saying "Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself ' I'll
go one further than those mainland bastards!' and started his speech
by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and
then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished
his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then
my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying
'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure ..." |
| 32 |
O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold
he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is
stare and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom.
"Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily
will get twofold!"
Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other,
but O'Neil agrees.
"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and
beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting
two mansions and two nymphomaniacs.
Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove
one of my testicles!" |
| 33 |
A Sergeant and a Private were patrolling the streets in a Irish
town near the Northern Irish border. There was a 9.00PM curfew in
place.
Suddenly private Slattery shoots a man walking down a lane.
The sergeant screams, Slattery it's only 8.45, why did you shoot him.
Slattery replies, well I know where he lives and he would never have
made it by 9.00. |
| 34 |
Rev. Ian Paisley dies and approaches the pearly gates.
St. Peter stops him. "You can't get in here" says Peter.
"Why not" says Paisley. I've been a good Christian man all my life"
"Not according to our records. It says here you've been preaching
hatred against Catholics and the Pope for years"
"Now, Just a minute. I haven't done that for a long time. I'm a changed
man. Why, just a few weeks ago, I was walking past a Catholic church
in Belfast and I heard some beautiful music. I looked inside and these
wee girls were all dressed up for their first communion. Well, I called
over ne of those girls and gave her a pound."
"We don't have any record of that here" said Peter.
"And a couple of weeks later, I walked past another Catholic church
and saw some boys being confirmed. I walked over to one of those boys
and gave him a pound"
Again Peter looked puzzled. "We have no record of that either."
Paisley continued, "And just last week there, I saw a nun helping
the homeless in downtown Belfast, so I gave that nun a pound."
Peter said "There must be something wrong with our computer, because
we don't have any of this on file. Let me talk to the Big Fellow for
a moment."
Paisley paced up and down, waiting for the answer. Finally, Peter
returned.
"What did He say?" said Paisley.
"He said here's your three pound back, now fuck off" |
| 35 |
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under
a pew and entered the confessional.
"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"
Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"
When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said,
"Father, have ye fainted?"
"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin'
for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!" |
| 36 |
After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him
one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't
you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well,
I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." |
| 37 |
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with
the mother superior. "Well, how can I help you little people?" asked
mother superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Oh
mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the
convent?"
"No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at
the convent"
"All right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget
nuns in all of Ireland than?"
"No, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are
also midgets in all of Ireland at all."
"Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of
all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?"
"No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!"
replied mother superior, "And would you please tell me what this is
all about!!?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said
"see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin". |
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