Why Schwanns Rocks
- Hell, why not?
- He knows this guy that looks kinda like a pig
- He currently has four different restraining orders against him
- He also has two warrents for his arrest
- He busted out of Alcatraz...twice
- He was the U.S. Ambassador to Nigeria
- He won some kind of award once
- He played Triple A ball for the Tigers back in '89
- He has partyed with three out of the five New Kids on the Block
- He has a pet Goat
- He knows how to kill a man with only a stick of gum and a mirror
- He sang back-up on the popular hit "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"
- He can bake a damn fine quiche
- He once screwed the government out of half a million bucks
- He once lost half a million bucks in one night at a casino
- He once screwed the Mafia out of $300,000 bucks
- He doesn't have any thumbs
- He has a color TV
- He is ranked #22 in the world in Men's tennis
- He has a birthmark on his back that looks exactly like Vermont
- He plays a mean polka on the accordion
- He speaks six languages
- He can bench press damn near a ton
- He almost caught a leprechaun once, but it was too fast for him
- He punched an old guy in the head when he wouldn't move out of the way
- He got arressted once for punching an old guy in the head
- He has a bug named after him Schwannsicus Epificus (it's a beatle!)
- He can count to six hundred and eleventeen
- He was a member of the Branch Davidian Cult
- He likes to start fires
- He did the voice of Eek the Cat in the cartoon of the same name
- He completed the 999 Bottles of Beer on the wall song (but skipped 843-62)
- He has twelve patents pending for his spectacular inventions
- He never makes misstakes
- He worked as a spy for the Soviets during the Cold War
- He is an Ensign in the U.S. Coast Guard Reserve
- He solved a Rubix cube (except for the damn yellow side)
- He swallowed an entire nine inch cactus on a double dog dare
- He is the only person ever to be banned from Ohio
- He weighs over nine tons and stands thirty feet high he does
- He can shoot lightning out of his eyes
- He can lie out of his ass without anybody knowing or caring
- He can burp the entire Gettysburg Address
- He was the drummer for '80s rock band, Ratt
- He scored a bronze medal in the '84 Summer Olympics (pole valuting 15' 9")
- He holds the World Record for eating Pizza Rolls (1,198 in 47 minutes)
- He served as Vice-President under Gerald Ford
- He served in Nam (82nd Airborne Divison, Da Nang province)
-
Back