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(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
A group of Asian women were visiting a village located in South Africa. They came across a booth selling human breast. One of the Asian lady asked the butcher, "Why are you selling women's breast?" The butcher replied, "In Ouagadougou, we have found that consuming women's breast can increase men's sex drive, and enlarge the size of their penis."
Hearing about the "enlarging the penis" the Asian woman was determined to buy some for her husband. She quickly asks the butcher for the price of the breast. "Well," says the butcher, "It depends on what kind of breast you want. We have black breast, white breast, and Asian breast."
"Give me the price of each!", said the Asian lady impatiently. "The black breasts are $200 a pound," the butcher says. "White breasts are $300 a pound, and the Asian breasts are $400 a pound."
The Asian women were glad to hear that Asian breasts were the most expensive in the breast booth. "Hey, not bad! Asian breasts are worth more!", said one of the Asian ladies.
"No no no, you don't understand," the butcher explains, "you don't know how many Asian women we have to kill to get one pound of breast!"
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!!! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
70 ABOVE
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.
60 ABOVE
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
50 ABOVE
Californian's shiver uncontrollably.
People in Canada sunbathe.
40 ABOVE
Italian and English cars won't start.
People in Canada drive with the windows down.
32 ABOVE
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
20 ABOVE
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
15 ABOVE
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 DEGREES
People in Miami all die........
Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 BELOW
Californians fly away to Mexico
People in Canada get out their winter coats.
40 BELOW
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Guides of Canada are selling cookies door to door.
60 BELOW
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 BELOW
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
People in Canada rent some videos.
100 BELOW
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 BELOW
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
360 BELOW
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 BELOW
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" (right..room service..morning! do u wish to order something)
RS: "Ow july den?" (how would you like them)
RS: "Ow july den?...pry, boy, pooch?" (fry, boil or poached)
RS: "Ow july dee bahcem...crease?" (bacon ...crisp)
RS: "Hokay. An san tos?" (And some toast)
RS: "San tos. July san tos?" (some toast...u like some toast)
RS: "No? Judo one toes??" (u don't want toast)
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew don juan toes? Ow bow ingalish mopping we bother?"
RS: "We bother?"
RS: "Wad?"
RS: "Copy?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy ingalish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"