THE ANTICIPATED FART:
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART:
This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"

THE BARN OWL FART:
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART:
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART:
This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART:
This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART:
A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART:
The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART:
This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART:
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART:
A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART:
This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART:
The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART:
The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART:
The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART:
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART:
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART:
This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART:
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART:
A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART:
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART:
Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART:
This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART:
The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D.
stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART:
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART:
A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART:
The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART:
Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STUTTER FART:
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART:
The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART:
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART:
Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast!

THE TICKLE FART:
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!

The Over 35 Fart - This is a very difficult fart to detect. The farter has had 35 years to perfect his or her farting technique & is usually a master of concealment. A 35-year-old is still young enough to be original & artful, yet sufficiently mature to be cunning & crafty. Slammed doors, quick exits, opened windows, striking matches, rattled newspapers... heck, use them all!

The Cocktail Party Fart - They put out all these raw vegetables, broccoli & carrots & stuff, so you won't feel too guilty eating the salted nuts, baked brie & other life-threatening snacks later on. These raw vegetables cause some people to fart, but it's tough to identify the farter because the room is crowded & everyone is moving around. If you see someone jumping from one group to another, that person is probably the mystery Cocktail Party farter.

The Cinema Fart - When you fart in a movie theater, you hope the fart will rise straight up & be purified somehow by the air conditioning system before it can offend anyone. This is rarely the case. Everyone smells the smell & realizes the terrible gaffe someone has committed, but the darkness makes positive identification chancy. By the time the lights go on & the coats come off the laps, no one can fix the exact location of anything & the farter escapes in the shuffling crowd. Popcorn, incidentally, makes many people fart, & you wonder how the snack became so popular in the close confines of a movies theater.

The Hot Pickled Peppers Fart - I have a friend who brought me some homemade really hot pickled peppers. Those devils thundered through my intestinal tract like a bunch of cave men carrying home fire from a volcano. This has to be the hottest fart known to man. If you fart this fart while sitting on dry grass or straw, you're liable to burn yourself to death.
< B>The Football Fart The Breakfast Fart - It doesn't matter if coffee or oatmeal or 2 pounds of bran is the trigger, the Breakfast Fart is a satisfying part of everyone's morning routine. Better in the privacy of your own house than, say, in a car pool, I've always felt the presence of a full size newspaper is convenient for wafting the fumes about.

The Newspaper Fart - Any fart where the farter is reading a newspaper can be referred to as a Newspaper Fart. Experienced farters know the newspaper can be used to waft the fart away, or the pages can be rustled to screen moderate noises. They are more sophisticated about these things in Europe & some newspapers, like The London Financial Times, are even tinted in a tan color.

The Old Man Fart - Two old men were sitting on a park bench. One leaned a bit to the side & farted a silent, typical old man's fart. The other, whose sense of smell was still pretty good, asked him a bit sharply, "Did you just fart? "Of course," the farter indignantly replied, "you don't think I always smell like this, do you?"

The Hug Fart - You hug a loved one & the exuberance of the squeeze seems to press out a little blip. With someone you're very close to, you can just laugh it off, but it's mighty embarrassing with strangers. Then again, you probably shouldn't be going around hugging strangers anyway.

The Pop Fart - This fart is identified primarily by its sound which is a clean, popping sound like a cork in a bottle of French champagne. You will know immediately when you've executed a Pop Fart because people near you will raise their hands almost involuntarily as if expecting a little champagne toast.

The Taxi Fart - A Taxi Fart is a particularly rank & unpleasant fart. It's a fact that more people fart in taxis than in any other kind of vehicle. Taxi drivers themselves are among the worst farters in the human race. Many big-city police departments have the cab companies put in these bulletproof partitions to protect the passengers from the drivers' farts. Each year, thousands of lives are saved by them.

The Round Fart - This is a little fart. Perhaps even a teeny weenie fart. The name comes from its feel, which is perfectly round as it escapes from your much bigger behind. This cute diminutive fellow rolls its way smoothly & agreeably into the big world like an oil covered marble, bringing momentary pleasure to its farter & only a minimum of discomfort to passersby.

The Bar Fart - There are many bars where a well-tuned thunderlike fart is a positive sign of virility. In these places, a booming fart may be applauded & the farter even stood a beer or two. Women are treated with great respect in these bars, but they certainly are not expected to fart.

The Door Fart - Oh, this is a clever fart. The farter carefully times this fart, whether coming or going, to leave it inside or out. If the farter is possessed of naturally quick instincts, he or she can even time the slam of the door to cover any embarrassing noises. The Door Fart is one of the most useful farts, & it is put into service much more than you'd ever imagine.

The Bed Sheet Fart - This fart is done in bed. After letting it fly, the farter raises the bed sheet, much to the chagrin of the farter's bed partner.

The Corny Fart - The fart where you want to be funny and have a nice whopper BUT instead you only hear a sound like "blup."

The "DAMN THAT STINKS FART"!!!!!!! - This fart smells worse then The SBD (Silent but deadly) or the SBV (Silent but violent) Fart. This fart, you can hear, once it happens it makes someone want to throw up. It reminds you of the smell of rotten eggs, REALLY ROTTEN EGGS.
 
 
 

THE FART THESAURUS!!!

Verbs
Backfire, Bark, Blast, Blow Off, Blow smoke, Blow the Horn, Blow the sparkplugs, Blowing the ol butt trumpet, Blurt, Boff, Boom-boom, Break Wind, Burn Bad Powder, Cleft a boofer, Cook eggs, Crepitate, Cut a gasser Cut a melon, Cut One, Crack a rat, Cut the Cheese, Deal one, Do a Terrance and Phillip, Drop a cookie Drop a fart, Drop one, Drop a Rose, Erupt one, Fart, Flatulate, Float an Air biscuit, Fluff, Frump, Guff, Gurk, Here comes Freddie, Honk, Lay a Fart, Let Go, Let Off, Let One, Let Fluffy off the leash, Make a Rude Noise, Make a stink, Make cheese, Make methane, Make some underleg noise, Parp, Pass Air, Pass Gas, Pass Wind, Piffle, Pollute the atmosphere, Poot, Pump, Release intestinal gases, Release the Hiney-Hounds, Rip one, Roar from the rear, Shoot Rabbits, Split the seam, Start the engine, Step on a duck, Step on a frog, Stink out loud, Toot, Talk German, Tee Off, The Toothless speaks, Trump
 

Nouns
Anal Airwaves, Anal Audio, A message from Turd Castle, Arse music, Back-Talk, Barking Spiders, Bottom Burp, Breeze, The Brown River, Bucksnort, Burnt Cheese, Butt music, Cabbage Fart, Cheezer, Chocolate Thunder, Chuffter, Disappointments from down under, Egg Salad Rumblers, Fecal Fluffies, Fluffer, Gay love call, Gravy pants, Heinee Burp, Hinder Blast, A Kiss for Khruschev, Natural Gas, Nature's little surprises, Nature's musical box, One turd honking at another for the right of way! Panty Burps, Pant stainers ! Phoofs, Poots, Pocket Thunder, Polish Mating Call, Quakers - 9.5 on the Rectal Scale! Raspberry tart (Rhyming slang), Rouser, Scotch Warming-Pan, Shit Slivers, Shit snore, Sliders (the farts that have to slide past poop to get out thereby picking up the fresh shit smell), Silent but Deadly, (SBD), SBV (silent but VIOLENT), Stinker, Tail Shot, Trouser Cough, Tree frog , Trouser Ripper, Trouser Ghost, Thunder from down under, Turd Honking, Turd Tooties, Underthunder, Wet One, Whiffer, Winder, Woofer

Farts A-Z:
Alarm Fart, Burning Brakes Fart, Car Door Fart, Drum Roll Fart, English Fart, Fizzle Fart, German Fart, Hard Boiled Egg Fart, Intense Fart, Junk Fart, Lisp Fart, Mud-Sucker Fart, Natural Gas Fart, Octave Fart, Quack-Quack Fart, Rover Fart, ScratchAss Fart, Vending Machine Fart, Yoga Fart, Zipper Fart
 

Why Farting is better than Sex
1) You can fart anytime, at will, even in public.
2) You can fart alone, just as enjoyably as with a sig. other.
3) You don't need to shower before farting.
4) You can almost always have multiple farts.
5) A guy can fart, and be ready to fart again immediately.
6) A girl doesn't need to/can't fake a fart.
7) You can't get pregnant/aids from farting.
8) You can share a good fart with a whole roomful of people without having to actually touch any of them...
9) There's no need to wait for a guy to get an erection before he can fart.
10) After you fart, your girlfriend is not likely to ask you the dreaded question: "You mean, that's IT?!"
 
 

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