I know what you’re thinking…and you’re probably right…
Even I hate myself at the minute… It’s not like I
didn’t give it serious thought before I made my
decision though…

You probably have absolutely no idea what I’m on
about… So let me start at the beginning. 

When I first met Gregory I was surprised that anybody
would be interested in me.  Especially somebody that
good looking.  After all I was almost 21 years old and
no one had ever looked once at me, let alone twice. 
So it was a shock when I realized he really did want
to get to know me better… That was just over 6 months
ago.

I’ve never been a person who can handle emotions…in
fact I usually try to find a way around them, do my
best at pretending they’re not there.  Well apparently
I’d been ignoring my problems for too long and the
expiraration date was just about up… So it shouldn’t
have been such a surprise when I started to doubt my
feelings for Gregory…

This particular day had been particularly hard.  All I
wanted to do was go home and curl up into a tiny ball.

As usual I had taken all the stresses of life, all my
worries, everything I felt and bottled it up deep
within myself.  An hour or two earlier someone had
said something to me that caused me to feel unwanted. 
That was all it took to trigger off the release of
months of built up emotion.

I knew that when I got home Greg would be there.  I
was renting a place in St. Louis and I’d given him a
key.  He usually came by on his way to work… Hell, he
practically lived there, he stayed most nights, and
tonight was his night off.  We’d planned to have a
quiet night in, just the two of us… Although right now
I was wishing I’d have the evening to myself.

Emotionally bursting, I finally got home.  Putting the
key in the lock I quietly let myself in.  Of course
being a were, with superb hearing, Gregory heard me. 
Within seconds he appeared in the kitchen doorway.  
Leaning on the doorframe he flashed me a brilliant
smile.  His eyes were admiring, all over me.  I gazed
for a long moment into those gorgeous cornflower blue
eyes and saw a pool of passion.  It was unmistakable.

His eyes found mine and feeling uncomfortable, I
quickly turned away.  When he spoke his voice was
filled with concern,

“What’s wrong, baby?”

I shook my head and waved my hand about, replying,

“Nothing…nothing’s wrong… Why’d you ask?”

I didn’t need him to answer.  As I stood up from
taking my shoes off I, I caught a glimpse of myself in
the hallway mirror… My eyes had begun to turn red… I
stared at my reflection, willing this not to happen in
front of him.

Closing my eyes against everything, I tried to pretend
that I wasn’t feeling the way I was… I just couldn’t
let myself cry in front of him.  Not today.  I sensed
him move, and the next thing I knew, his arms were
encircling my waist and his chin rested on my
shoulder.  Opening my eyes I saw him looking over my
shoulder at my face in the mirror.  He looked so
concerned… I was convinced he’d seen the warring
emotions flit across my features.  At least my eyes
were calming down a little.  Finally I managed to say,

“I’m just tired’s all.”

I don’t think he was convinced, but he played along
anyway.

As he untangled himself from me, he grasped my hand
and started to gently tug me towards the kitchen.  To
my surprise there were a selection of sandwiches set
out on the table.  I’d once told Greg that I really
enjoyed a plate of sandwiches with different fillings.
I’ve a much more savoury tooth than sweet.

Later on that night I sat in the living room while
Greg cleared away in the kitchen.  I could hear the
clatter of plates and the splash of water as he did
so.  I allowed myself to sink down into the
comfortable cushions of the couch.  Pulling my legs up
under me I leaned back and allowed the events of the
day to catch up with me.

Try as I might there was absolutely no way I would
have been able to hold back the torrent of tears that
fell from my eyes.  Burying my head in my arms I
finally gave in…after all, this had been threatening
to happen since my run in with a certain someone… I
just sat there and quietly sobbed.

Totally unaware of my surroundings, I started when
someone began to gently rub my back.  Lifting my head
I saw Greg sat next to me.  Now with my upper body
slightly raised, I’d given Greg enough room to slide
his arm around my back.  His other went across my
front to grip my shoulder.  I wondered what he was
doing…he seemed to be moving in slow motion.  With
ease he turned me and cradled me against his chest. 
Trying to sooth me he lowered his voice and said,

“Shh, it’s all right I’m here now.  Everything’s ok…
Please tell me what’s wrong…”

Shaking my head against his chest, I tried to pull out
of his hold.  He had a firm grip on me, so placing my
hands on his chest, to give me more leverage, I pushed
him away from me as hard as I could.

Startled Greg let me go.  Once again his arms reached
out for me.  He was still prepared to comfort me. 
Looking at his outstretched arms I scooted away from
him.  Concern was etched across his face, but when he
spoke there was the distinct sound of hurt in his
voice,

“Please don’t shut me out, Esther.  Let me in so I can
help you.”

His eyes pleaded with me, yet I found myself saying,
icily,

“There’s nothing to help with.  So just leave me
alone, Greg.”

He looked like he’d just been kicked.  That look made
my heart pang for him, but I remained stony faced. 
Slowly, reluctantly he got up to leave.

The hurt look in his eyes upset me and all of a sudden
I wanted him to hold me again, wanted to feel safe and
secure in his enveloping embrace.  I cried out, 

“Greg…”

He turned and looked at me expectantly, but just as
fast my mood swung again and I said,

“Lock the door behind you.”

I heard the door bang behind him on his way out.  I
waited until I heard the faint sound of the lock turn
before I finally surrendered myself to how I was
feeling, and let the tears fall freely, without
restraint.

Damn who upset me, damn the fact that I can’t handle
emotions and damn hormones…but most of all damn me!

Since that night I’d done a lot of thinking about my
relationship with Greg.  Each time I thought it
through I came up with the same conclusion…my feelings
for him were too strong for me to handle and growing
by the day… I may sometimes come across as the damsel
in distress, but I’m use to depending on myself, and
lately I’d found myself depending emotionally upon
him, and that scared me… The fact was that if I didn’t
talk it through with someone soon, I’d go mad and do
something I’d regret…not that I meant I wouldn’t if I
did talk it through.  I just meant that it would
enable me to make a more informed, clearer cut
decision.

The following day Greg came round to check on me.  At
first waking up in bed confused me…last night I had
fallen asleep on the couch…that is until I heard
someone humming downstairs.  Going down to
investigate, I found Greg bringing my post in.  Seeing
me standing at the bottom of the stairs he said,

“Morning, baby.”

And gave me a peck on the cheek.  Flabbergasted I
returned,

“Mornin’, sweets.”

Following him into the living room I continued,

“Look Greg about last night… I’m really sorry…”

Holding up his hand to stop me he said,

“I know.  It’s ok… I’ve been thinking.  You’ve been
distracted quite a lot recently…” 

He took a deep breath, 

“I think you need a break.  We could go away for the
weekend.  I’m sure Jean-Claude would give me the time
off…”

He watched me for a reaction.  When none came he
asked,

“Well?  What do you think?”

“Greg, thank you…but I really don’t think that’s what
I need…”

My mind was working over time.  The last thing I
needed when trying to figure out where…or more to the
point, who I belonged to out…was going away with him. 
I really doubted I could handle it.  I was liable to
freak out… I mean isn’t going away with someone, what
you do when you’re serious about each other?  Oh God I
really needed to talk this whole thing through.  What
was I going to tell Greg?…

“I can’t promise anything, but I’ll think about it. 
Ok?”

He seemed happy enough with that, so that’s how I left
it.

My anxieties built up so much that I eventually did
talk to somebody.  Greg had gone out somewhere with
his brother, which gave me the perfect opportunity to
go out and find someone.  I hadn’t gotten anybody
specific in mind, I just went out for a walk, to see
where I ended up.  I usually did that when I drew. 
Nothing in mind, I’d just put pencil to paper and let
my hand flow on its own, whatever came, came.

In about an hour’s time I found, Kash, Gigs and Tamara
sitting outside talking.  Sauntering over to them I
sat down.  Half-heartedly I listened to their
conversation.  It didn’t take long for me to loose my
attention though.  Finally I brought up the subject of
Greg and I.

Spilling everything, I told the girls exactly how I
felt…

“I need advice.”

“About Greg?” Gigs asked.

I nodded my head.

“If we can give it we will,” Tam added.

I plunged into how I felt, warning them ahead of time
that I wasn’t fully aware of how I did feel.  Telling
them that I loved Gregory more than I ever thought
humanly possible and that my love for him was growing
by the day.  It just felt so intense, it was scary.  I
explained how this made me feel out of control, as I
couldn’t stop the fact that I loved him.  (And lets
admit it, who does like to feel out of control?)

I was just afraid that if I let him get too close…if
he saw the real me, he might not like me anymore.  I
was afraid that he’d let me down, too.  All the men
I’d ever cared for in life had always let me down, and
I was just scared that he’d do the same.  I knew that
to love was to trust someone enough to give them the
power to hurt you and to believe that they won’t…but I
couldn’t help the way I thought.  To save myself that 
pain I was thinking of leaving.  While my heart told
me to keep a hold of him, my head said to keep away
from him.

At this point Kash cut in with, 

“The whole ‘push them away so they wont hurt you
mentality’ doesn’t work, you’ll end up getting hurt
anyway because obviously you do love him.  Your heart
is engaged or you wouldn’t be fighting so hard to
protect it.”

Tam scoffed, “Esther, you’re not giving Greg the
credit he deserves.  He saw enough emotional abuse
under Raina and Gabriel’s rule of the pack and the
pard to last a lifetime and to never want to inflict
that kind of pain on someone else…especially someone
he cares as much about as you.  I’d almost go as far
as to say that he is madly, deeply, truly in love with
you.  If that’s the case, he’s not gonna LET you push
him away forever.  I know it’s his twin Stephen that’s
the wolf and that wolves mate for life, but there’s a
lot of his brother in him.  Nat seems to think that
Greg has it bad for you…won’t even go out clubbing
with him anymore.”

“Really?…he can’t do that, he enjoys going out.  I’ll
talk to him… Part of the problem is, I’m scared that
I’ll end up hurting him like Raina did.” I stated.

“Listen, there is nothing you could do to Greg that
would be worse than what Raina and Gabriel did to him.
You are definitely a huge leap forward for Greg.  So
relax.” 

Gigs assured me.  I gave her a ‘you think?’ look, but
left it at that.

Another worry was how could I know whether I truly
felt the way I thought I did for him, or if what I was
actually in love with was the idea of being in love
with someone.  When you’re only in your first
relationship I guessed you’re going to wonder this.  I
meant you’ve got nothing to tell you otherwise, you
don’t know how it would feel to be with someone else. 
Which brought me on to my next point.  Most people
experienced what it’s like to date different people
when they’re in their teens, even at 21 I suppose…but
as I said Greg’s my one and only.  I’d like to have
experienced what it’s like to be with someone else
before I finally made my big decision about who I
wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  What I
really meant…but couldn’t bring myself to admit, was I
wanted to know if there’s someone better for me out
there.

Probably my biggest excuse…hm…I mean reason, for
starting to push Gregory away from me was the fact
that he could do much better than me.  The way I felt
right then was liable to stop me giving him all the
love and attention that he not only needed, but also
deserved, and I didn’t want to be the one to deprive
him of that.

After taking all of what was said in, Gigs decided to
give me some advice that she ‘already knew I wouldn’t
be able to use’.  She told me not to make decisions
based on emotions… She was right.  There was
absolutely no way I could use this advice as I had no
idea what it meant.  How on earth were you supposed to
know whether or not you were making a decision based
on emotion?  I did however understand it in relation
to anger…but anger’s not fear.  One thing that she
said that made sense was,

“Your weapon against anxiety is communication.  You
need to be able to determine what it is you need and
to TELL him.  Even if you don’t know what you need,
tell him that too, then together you can experiment
until you find what it is you need.”

Between us we decided that I should write a list of
pros and cons about Greg.  It took a while to get
started, but eventually we ended up with this list;

Gregory

PROS

1.      He cares about me
2.      I care about him
3.      He loves me
4.      I love him
5.      He’s cute
6.      He would never hurt me
7.      Will take my feelings into consideration, 
        because of Raina and Gabriel
8.      He’s got a great body
9.      He turns me on
10.      I enjoy talking to him
11.      He’s great company
12.      He’s cuddly
13.      He’s fun to be with
14.      He’s funny/witty
15.      He takes care of me when I’m upset/he eases 
        the pain/comforts me
16.      I know I’m safe when I’m with him
17.      I know I can trust him
18.      He likes me for who I am, he hasn’t tried to 
        change me

CONS

1.      He’s a cat
2.      He’s going too fast
3.      He’s too serious
4.      His strength 
5.      Could accidentally turn me into a were
6.      Afraid of hurting him because of Raina and 
        Gabriel
7.      He’s a stripper
8.      He’s a submissive
9.      He hangs with people who scare me, e.g. Jean-
        Claude

Admittedly not all of my cons were understood. 
Especially the being a cat by Gigs.  She demanded what
was wrong with being a cat.  The being a stripper and
a submissive were put to the side for a later date,
but the things like him hanging with Jean-Claude et al
and the danger of him turning me into a were, well if
I decided to stay with him they would be things I’d
have to live with, and I had to decide whether I
could.  (Oh and of course ‘Little Miss Wind Up’ tried
to argue that Greg wasn’t taking the relationship too
fast.  Sorry but sleeping with someone within the
first 6 months of getting to know them is fast in my
book.  Not that I’m a prude.  I just always assumed
I’d be married before I slept with anyone…and marriage
is scary, a commitment, to one person for life.  I
think I wanna run for the hills now!)

(An addition to the pros list is how I feel when I
think about Greg.  My heart speeds up, I smile, I feel
happy and excited, I go all warm inside.  I long for
him…for his touch.  I feel like he’s a necessary part
of my life.  I want him and his children (eventually…I
think) I LOVE him with all of my being.  I’d defend
him.  I’d give my life to save his if I had to.)

Anyway there were more pros than cons and the general
consensus was that he was worth the chance.  Gigs said
to look at the pros list to remind myself why I was
with this man, whenever times got tough, but whatever
I did not to give up.

I thanked the girls and left for home feeling like I’d
come to a decision…that being I wanted to stay with
Greg.  Only within days after making that decision, my
doubts and confused feelings over the relationship
returned ten fold.

I spoke to Kash about it.  Telling her,

“I don’t know, I just feel like I’m missing out on the
whole dating different people thing.  Of course that
translates into; ‘I love you so much that it scares
me.  I want to go out with other people, because I
could never feel as strongly about them as I do for
you, so they’re safe, I’ll feel more in control.  I
know no one else will be interested in me, so I’ll
just mope about watching you date others and having
fun.’  All I want is peace of mind and for Greg to be
happy.  And I don’t think I can give him that, no
matter how much I love him… I think it’s going to take
splitting up to settle things.  Apparently it’s
something I have to do.”

“It’s dangerous to throw something so special away…but
if you’re questioning it…just be up front with
him…it’s the only way you have any hope of having him
wait for you really.” Kash replied.

“Why should he wait for me?  He’s probably going to
hate me.  I have to do it though.

“Well then, best of luck and if you need me you know
I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks, it’s much appreciated.  I’m so nervous.  I’m
gonna do it tonight.”

That night on my way home, I bumped into Greg and told
him we needed to talk.  His smile vanished from his
face as I said it.  He reached down and grasped my
hand.  All the way back to my place we held hands and
walked in complete silence…I knew considering what I
was going to do, that I shouldn’t have let him hold my
hand, but that’s the exact reason I didn’t have the
heart to pull mine out of his.

It felt like it took forever to reach home.  Every
second dragged into untimeable hours.

Once in the living room I told Greg to sit down.  His
eyes pleaded with me for this not to be something
bad…but I knew it was… I sat next to him.  For a
moment our knees touched, making me jump, I was that
edgy.  Slightly moving over gave a bit more space
between us.  We sat there in silence for a while.  My
hand rested on my knee.  The entwined heart ring that
Greg gave me proudly sat on my finger and glinted in
the light, catching my attention.  For a while I
wiggled my finger, finding the ring fascinating.  Then
summoning the courage, said,

“Greg we really need to talk.  It’s long over due…”

As gently as I could I told him exactly how I felt.  I
told him what I’d told Tam, Gigs and Kash…only in a
more tender way… I didn’t mention the list either.

I made sure he understood just how confused I was and
that I really, really did love him.  I took special
care in making sure he understood he’d done nothing
wrong, and that it wasn’t about him, it was just
something I needed to do right now.  I was expecting
him to shout at me, maybe get violent or something,
but all he did was tell me he loved me and he’d always
love me.  He told me he’d wait for me, and as long as
it was what I needed he’d oblige.  With that he left
the house quietly.

A day or two later people were saying things to make
me realize they knew what had happened.  Kash told me
Gregory was staying at Asher’s lair, so I asked Gigs
and Tam how he was and asked them to take good care of
him.  Tamara was more understanding,

“I at least understand WHY you did it.  He really does
miss you though… You said that you felt he deserved
better than what you felt you could offer him.  What
Greg deserves or what you deserve is besides the
point…what Greg wants and what will make him happy is
to have you in his life and for you to be happy with
him.  And I think you love him too.”

Looking miserable I absentmindedly nodded.
Gigs told me,

“Tamara and I spent the better part of last night
listening to the caterwahl… Finally, Ash had to
hypnotize him and put him to sleep...it was either
that or kill him and put him out of OUR misery. I
can't believe you dumped him....I can't believe you
dumped him and I'M picking up the pieces… You know he
would never have given you an inkling that this was
going on himself because you said this ‘breakup’ was
what was best for you…and that’s all he’s ever wanted.
It took all of coming from your house to Ash’s lair
to fall apart however.”

Hearing this made me feel really guilty.  As it
should.

If Greg wanted his stuff back he could’ve gladly taken
any of it…except my ring.  That remained on my finger,
it meant so much to me.  Though Greg passed word to
me,

“Baby, I’d NEVER ask for you to give back the ring…I
still mean everything that I said when I gave it to
you both in words and in actions.  I still love you
Esther.”

Now, I’d not only upset Greg…I’d made my own heart
long for him back…it wasn’t going to happen yet, my
head still screamed ‘no, I’m not ready for this’…I’d
also gotten Stephen after my blood for what I did to
his brother.  Plus to top it off, now I had to find
someone who would be willing to set me up.